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Get out now or don't give up?

Evergreen's picture

This situation definitely needs a hero and I don't know how to fill that role. Steve and I have been in a loving relationship for 4 yrs now. Steve's daughter was 5 when we met and his divorce from baby-momma, Kay, had nothing to do with me. Kay hates me and no matter what I do to reconcile that relationship, she continues to blow up in public; screaming obscenities at Steve and I with no regard to how it affects their daughter, Joy. She barged in to Joy's 6th birthday party and tried to fight me which left Joy in tears. She's attacked us in a crowded restaurant yelling F-bombs at the top of her lungs. She has no regard for her daughter when she rages. She refuses to go to counseling and demands that I not be allowed to be around her - at all. So even though I take care of her daughter on the regular, and Joy and I very close, if I am seen in the car during pick up or drop off she makes a scene. She blows up in the school parking lot in front of everyone screaming that I'm disgusting and she doesn't want her daughter around me. I have done NOTHING to warrant this reaction and our therapist summarizes that she is threatened by my success and relationship with Joy. Kay struggles financially and gives high-colonics for a living. Which is fine and good but I can't help that I'm a professional and don't struggle in life.
Kay has chosen to gossip with everyone in our small town making up stuff about me and degrading me to the point where I finally moved an hour and a half away - this was a year ago. It didn't help. Most recently she chose to gossip about me with an acquaintance she was treating (considering the treatment I guess you could say they were talking s#it about me Wink
and I didn't let it slide like I usually do. I know better than to reach out to Kay as it will only go ballistic and hurt Joy, so I reached out to the acquaintance and asked her if I had offended her in some way (I've only met her briefly) and did I need to make amends? Acquaintance tells Kay and Kay waits until Steve and Joy are in the school parking lot and once again blows up, makes a scene, and Joy ends up crying. She acted unprofessionally by gossiping with a client but insists that I'm the one in the wrong.
Bottom line - I don't think Kay will ever move on and stop making drama for Joy. I love Steve deeply but after 4 years we can't talk about a future or getting engaged because the thought of being in a blended family with Kay makes me ill. My choice is to ignore Kay completely and let her degrade me and carry on like nothing is wrong. Or let her "win" - I quit and get out now.
I'm heart broken and so tired of living this drama. Thoughts? Prayers please.
Evergreen

jollybean's picture

Are you saying both bio parents are mentally unfit ? is that why you feel like you have to rescue the SKID? Thats BD role to protect his BD. Your only choice is do you want a man who brings the drama into your relationship.

Evergreen's picture

No, my boyfriend, the BD, isn't mentally ill. He doesn't handle his ex like I wish he would but he's not mentally ill. I believe the ex, BM is though. If BD had it his way I would just be quiet, lay low, and never rock the boat. Every time I stand up for myself we suffer a blow-up that hurts the daughter. So I can take care of the little girl - I just shouldn't be seen with her in public.

Thumper's picture

There are some things YOU can do.

But I will ask a question or two first.

HOW does the mamadrama know so much about where you eat and where JOYS bday party was?

Evergreen's picture

BD (my SO) definitely failed on this one - he told her. He's a professional musician and was performing at the restaurant so she did her blow up in front of the stage. She demanded to BD that she get to come to the birthday party, he folded and said she could come if she acted normal, and of course she did not. Barged in and went toe to toe with me calling me names and trying to get me to hit her. While Joy cried.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

Restraining order - get one.

You do not need to be around Kay. You do not need to go to pick ups and drop offs when you know there will be a blow up. Why do you put yourself in this position? Why do you engage Kay's clients / your acquaintance regarding gossip? This is looking to call attention to yourself because you proffered making amends with Kay, which invites a response from her. Some of this is you inviting your own drama and misery.

You are engaging Kay - and maybe it is only me, but with the slight under current of condescension I detect in this post, I don't think you are as innocent or naive about this whole situation as you make out.

*When I got my eyeballs back from that eye roll... *
I seriously doubt people who give colonics have a professional or ethical code of conduct, so I don't think gossiping to a client about you is going to rain down holy hell from her professional board/association.

Evergreen's picture

We try hard to keep me away from her but sometimes, due to distance and transportation, it's impossible. We've even dropped me off at a gas station during the pick up but the therapist tells us the best thing we can do is be NORMAL and let the chips fall where they may. I agree (in hindsight) that I shouldn't have reached out to the chick who engaged in gossip. I've never been one to back down and I'm learning a new way.
Condescension? At least. For four years I've been listening to her degrade me for no reason whatsoever so I definitely have formed a negative opinion and surely reflect that in my response. And I'm not sure I can just completely ignore her constant attacks. They come in texts and phone calls to BD and I know he only tells me about a few of them.
I'm not sure what you mean by the board/association comment.

Ispofacto's picture

Hopefully BF has a solid parenting plan, because BM will start WWIII when he tries to put boundaries in place.

He doesn't have to take phonecalls from her if she's abusive. He should send her an email saying he wants to communicate by email or text only. He can install Mr Number on his cell to block her from calling. You want everything in writing. Keep records of all of these emails and texts.

Evergreen's picture

We try hard to keep me away from her but sometimes, due to distance and transportation, it's impossible. We've even dropped me off at a gas station during the pick up but the therapist tells us the best thing we can do is be NORMAL and let the chips fall where they may. I agree (in hindsight) that I shouldn't have reached out to the chick who engaged in gossip. I've never been one to back down and I'm learning a new way.
Condescension? At least. For four years I've been listening to her degrade me for no reason whatsoever so I definitely have formed a negative opinion and surely reflect that in my response. And I'm not sure I can just completely ignore her constant attacks. They come in texts and phone calls to BD and I know he only tells me about a few of them.
I'm not sure what you mean by the board/association comment.

Disneyfan's picture

Were they married, in a relationship, still living together....when you got involved with Steve?

Evergreen's picture

Separated, waiting for the divorce to go through, and Kay was dating and bringing Joy around her boyfriend (a married man). I was Steve's first serious relationship. His theory is that since the divorce became final while we were dating she associates me with the loss of income.

Acratopotes's picture

How is Steve handling the whole mess, is he jumping when BM demands, is he protecting you and Joy,

if not then end it, if yes, then this should've stopped long time ago and you can get married, but sorry Hon, Steve has no spine and can't put his foot down, you will always be 3rd cause his daughter and ex wife comes first..

Evergreen's picture

This reality makes me so sad - I think you are right. I love him so much but Kay makes such a scene that Steve says How High when she says jump. His theory is that he'll do ANYTHING to protect Joy. When the birthday blow-up occurred he definitely should have called the police to make her leave but he wouldn't do that because of Joy. I will gladly be 2nd to Joy, but I can't stomach being 3rd.

Evergreen's picture

This reality makes me so sad - I think you are right. I love him so much but Kay makes such a scene that Steve says How High when she says jump. His theory is that he'll do ANYTHING to protect Joy. When the birthday blow-up occurred he definitely should have called the police to make her leave but he wouldn't do that because of Joy. I will gladly be 2nd to Joy, but I can't stomach being 3rd.

Ispofacto's picture

Really, her behavior is quite ridiculous and I'm sure that it's glaringly apparent to everyone who matters that she is crazy, and the things she spews say a lot more about her than they do about you. I would ignore the gossip, and ghost anyone stupid and petty enough to play into it. They are idiots. Responding in any way is just giving her the reaction she is dying for, so stop reacting. Never speak a single word to her, she will try to use anything she can against you. These types HATE being ignored more than anything in the world. Think 'Fatal Attraction'.

Our BM participated in this type of behavior and it always made me giggle, sometimes right in front of her. It's so pathetic and junior high, it reeks of insecurity. Yours sticks tubes up people's buttholes for a living. LOL. Stick your nose in the air, she is beneath your dignity.

There is really no reason for either you or Steve to ever be in the same place Cray is at the same time, except for school concerts, sporting events, or whatnot. This child is old enough to walk from car to front door without assistance, so if dropoffs/pickups are made at home, Steve can and should insist that the transporting parent or designee remain in the car. I don't see any good reason why you and Cray should be at the school at the same time? If it is Steve's parenting time and he has designated you as the pickup person, he is totally within his rights to do so. In that case, Cray should be prohibited from being at the school for his pickups.

It will probably be necessary to get these rules court ordered. In order to gather evidence for the Restraining Order, Steve will need videotaped footage of her crazy ass behavior, and/or witnesses. Trust me, a video camera is well worth the investment. If she sees it being used, either she will make an even bigger ass of herself, or run away. Win, win. If she physically attacks you don't fight back, have her arrested. More fodder for a restraining order. Steve can file for one himself without a lawyer. If she is swearing loudly like that in a school parking lot, the police might consider arresting her for Disorderly Conduct.

As others have alluded, there's no reason Cray should be privy to your plans regarding parties or anything else. That also means you tell the child nothing about anything until you are all getting in the car. If you have a MIL or someone who can't shut their hole about your plans, ghost them too, they are not a friend to you, Steve, or this child.

In the rare case you all need to be at a public event at the same time, you and Steve should sit as far away as possible from Cray with your video camera visible, and Cray should be prohibited from approaching or addressing you. Include this in your RO.

Our BM is a crazy bitch, and we had a Guardian Ad Litem involved in our case. Our BM complained loudly about my being in the car during transports. I calmly told the GAL, "I'm not a party to this case and have not made any threats or attacked anyone. You cannot tell me where in public I can go. And DH cannot tell me where in public I can go." Our BM also complained loudly about the video camera, the GAL wanted to placate her, so said he wanted us to stop using it, and I said, "So she can make false allegations of abuse against us? No." He said, "She's afraid to come outside during exchanges." I said, "So? That's awesome. The child does not have to witness her tantrums. I am not a party to this case, and neither you nor the judge can tell me I am not allowed to videotape an exchange that happens in public." A few months later, she tried to alleged DH had assaulted her. No one believed her. I smiled and said, "What? A false allegation of abuse? No way! You don't say...."

Okay, now for the bad news. Cray is no doubt talking trash about you to Joy, and between that and the constant BS, this child will most likely surrender to the stress and start resenting you. The events you see in public are just the tip of the iceberg, and making them stop won't alleviate the problems this crazy bitch is making for this child. Be prepared for this child to flip on you, it is 99.99% sure to happen.

Evergreen's picture

i really appreciate your response. I love the idea about recording and we always have our cell phones with us. Now I have to convince Steve to use his! I'm starting to see that some of my problem is Steve allowing bad behavior and it makes me feel like 3rd place. I feel sick.

Evergreen's picture

Your response is so logical and strong I have hope for the first time in weeks. I think I've been looking for a way out due to hopelessness. I'm putting this plan into action. If DH will back us on this it could work. Fingers crossed.

Evergreen's picture

I downloaded CRACY and read it in one sitting. You may have felt like this too... SPOT ON!!! Now to see if SO is on board. His response to the 'no face time' will be telling. He acquiesced as of October to pay for a joint bday party for SD in an effort to "get along". I had a headache for 48 hours dealing with that. For the first time, I have HOPE!! Thank you - thank you!

momjeans's picture

Evergreen, my husband’s ex wife was just like Kay, the first two years of him moving on with someone new - me.

It was hell. Not quite as bad as this situation, but close.

We lived in constant fear that she’d show up at our house, destroy personal property (our cars), or stalk us out in public - which she did do, often. Making horrible scenes, screaming at me from across parking lots. “You f***ing b****, just wait until you have kids!” All of this in front of their young child.

She’d send verbal “messages” to me via their child. She’d make threats. Her family members would make threats.

Just thank your lucky stars that you are not married. Not saying you should let her “win”, but just be thankful that you’re not deeper in this, legally, through marriage.

Evergreen's picture

Here in lies the rub. I can predict that he will TRY to put together a plan with my help but then enforcing it will be a completely new terrain for him. I'll have to decide how much patience I can have because if it were left to him, we would both be quiet and let Golden Uterus run the show. That's just easier for him.

Evergreen's picture

Thanks so much, everyone. I read, "Say Goodbye to Crazy" and it read like my diary. Now to see how DH embraces the book and if he will make a parallel parenting plan. If not, I will finally have the fortitude to walk away from a man I love deeply. I can almost predict how this will go but I have hope.

jollybean's picture

Oh evergreen one thing you said Steve is a professional music, that has a big problem with me. growing up my Dad was one and they have issues. Very charismatic deeply generous and captivating on stage and off. It wasn’t until my teens that my Dad calmed down into a fatherly role but I think it’s too late then we’re not that close now and he teaches advanced musicians now. Do you think Steve’s job is affecting his parenting ability?

Evergreen's picture

Thank God - that is not an issue. Regardless of what happens to us - Steve is a fantastic, doting father. The only problem I see is that he suffers from the divorce guilt and boundaries. Tolerable for an 8 year old, but God help him when she turns teen. She uses her mother's tantrum tactic to get her way and it's very effective. He rewards terrorists on the daily.

jollybean's picture

I have hope for you Evergreen. there could a future for Steve or he could stay Kay’s ex husband and Joy’s non-resident parent, because he can’t deal with his guilt or practice healthy boundaries.

JustGettingUsedToThis's picture

I never really feel comfortable telling people whether to stay or go. All I can tell you is that my situation has been much the same. It has changed over the years, gotten slightly better for us, better for the child.

I will say that aside from meeting her and introducing myself, I have gone out of my way to avoid her because I knew she was the type of person to make a scene in public. I avoid going with my husband to pick up the kids even if it inconveniences us. I don't communicate with her in any way- all of that goes through my husband who has had to learn how to deal with her. I don't get involved with a lot of the decision making, although I do try to give my husband my thoughts and ideas.

One day, when the kids are growing and graduating college and getting married, perhaps we will be able to get together as a big family- likely not. Thankfully, she has chilled out a little bit over the years but she as a person will never change.

And yes, our stories are similar right down to the professional jealousy. She wanted to be a science teacher but became a drug addict instead, failed out of college, and now has a long rap sheet full of drugs, alcohol, and violence. Meanwhile, I am not only a teacher, but taught science, and won many teaching awards. I don't revel in it at all but. It drives her mad. It's her own damn fault and I don't feel a shred of guilt. She made her life, I made mine.

One last thing, I will say...from your last paragraph it sounds like you're still hurting but checked out.

Evergreen's picture

In case anyone is curious about how this went...
I sent Steve the book, "Say GoodBye to Crazy" and in 16 days he read 40 pages. I would have needed him to read it, discuss it with me, and lead us into a plan. I finally have the fortitude to admit that this will never change and yesterday, I ended the relationship. Heart broken. I will miss Joy more than I will even miss my ex. Four years - I think that's quite enough.
Merry Christmas, everyone. Thanks again for your input and God Bless!

Aniki-Moderator's picture

It sounds like you did the best thing for YOU.

This year is almost at an end. Look at 2018 as a brand new start for YOU. Take time to heal, take time to grow. Find something in which you're interested, but have never had time to do. Take care of you! Merry Christmas. Smile

jollybean's picture

Heart broken Evergreen I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. Merry Christmas. Be very kind to yourself now.

Lulu58's picture

Hi Evergreen,

I'm new here, and just saw your post and I just had to reach out to you. I am in an almost identical situation. BM is a violent narcissist who has managed to ruin yhe close bond I had with 11 y o SD in the last month. She physically attacked me when she found out SD was staying with me for the day and she has now convinced SD never to see me again. The child lied to the police denying the attack took place, even though she was present! She had to hold her mother back.

Like your SO, my partner also struggles enormously with post-divorce guilt and total lack of boundaries. Unfortunately, SD has now turned into her evil mother.

I just read your update at the end of the thread. I feel heartbroken for you Sad I was really hoping things had worked out.... also, selfishly, that would have given me hope Sad Sending you prayers.

 

 

LoveAmongChaos's picture

If he is good to you and you truly love him, don't give up. I had two xw to deal with and both made life hard for a long time. DH has since realized keeping the peace with me is most important for his wellbeing. I would sit him down and kindly explain that you cannot raise this little girl WITH her. He has to put your little family of 3 first. She is not to attend any parties, etc. that the 2 of you plan, she can have her own, etc. She needs to be put in her place and he needs to do it out of love for YOU and his DAUGHTER. I had the same issue at first and he would engage in lengthy texts and phone conversations with his ex. Until one day he finally understood that he was just giving her the attention she is craving and he stopped. When she quit getting the reaction she wanted, she finally gave up.and it has been so much easier for his son, since we have 2 completely seperate lives. No yelling, no arguements, etc. She knows her place and that our home is ran OUR way and as long as her son is taken care of, it's none of her business what goes on here. They were not divorced when we started dating, she drug it out forever. Even though she left him and lived with someone else for a long time, she was very very jealous of our happy realtionship. She even hacked his facebook and changed our status to swingers... I'm a teacher. I did not react, just changed it back. She NEEDED a reaction and was supremely ticked off she didn't get one. AT mediation she said she wanted us to all get along and he told her that was kind of difficult because of the crud she had done to me. She apologized, but I just laughed and said I will respect her to her son, but that is it. Things have gotten so much better now that w do not react. At All. people who know me, know that I'm not anything like what she says, so I just let her say whatever she wants and laugh, Karma will get her one day. I have my happy family and the man I love and she is nothing in my llfe other than my kiddos mom. 

I hope this improves for you, tell him he has to not let her control stuff anymore and to ignore her lengthy texts. There is no need to communicate beyond basic issues (insurance, doctors, drop off, etc.) anything that gets emotional gets ignored. She will eventually learn her place and realize she won't get her way. Police involvement may be necessary, because stopping her crazy behvior, even with police will be WAY less traumatizing for their daughter than letting it continue the way it has been, trust me. If you don't put a stop to it, it won't ever stop. My DH had 13 years of crazy with his first exwife becuase no one did anything until i came along.. Police involvement was not fun, but necessary. My sanity will not be pushed that way ever again.