BM keeps stealing from us- HELP!!!
I honestly don't know where else to ask advice on this. My husband and I have been to counseling and nothing seems to change. Here's our situation. I would appreciate any and all advice.
My husband divorced his first wife 7 years ago. They have three kids. We have been married almost 5 years. BM is a pathological liar (seriously). She will say she has a job and in reality doesn't. She makes up excuse after excuse why she has a job and then suddenly doesn't. In the meantime, she gets our banking information and uses it to pay for things for her. She will tell my husband that her water is about to get shut off and she doesn't have money, so she needs to run cash up to pay for it (she doesn't have a checking account because she has bounced too many checks in the past). And lo and behold the water is paid for (by her parents) and she just wanted cash for herself. Instead of giving her child support checks so she can't get our checking account number from it anymore, we actually just pay for her house payment. In ends up being several hundred MORE than our court allocated cs. Her parent's pay for her utilities. She now says that she can't work because she keeps getting migraines and having seizures. No doctor has been able to figure out what is going on. Her own children don't even believe her. We all think she fakes it, so she has an excuse not to work and everyone pays for her lifestyle. Every single month she has no food. (We share the kids 50/50 one week on and one week off). She has found our credit card details (husband has given his kids the details when needing to order cheer stuff online) and has pizza and groceries delivered to her house without our permission. We have even called the places in question and asked who ordered it online and they will tell us her name. When my husband confronts her, she flat out denies it. This goes on ALL.THE.TIME. We have to change our card number all the time. And yet all the time, my husband continues to give the card number to the kids.
I have a huge issue that my husband keeps enabling her. When I suggest that if the kids need food they can come to our house (we live 8 mins away), he says it's a good idea. Then he goes behind my back and pays for them to have food over there. Her car recently needed a new battery and despite asking her millionaire parents for help, she asked my husband. He said he wasn't going to pay for it and yes, you guessed it....he did. She asks him to cash checks that she is given because she can't go to the bank without an account. I don't know why she can't go to a check cashing store herself. My husband will tell me he isn't going to cash her checks for her, and then he does it in secret. I don't want to sound heartless, but I feel like my husband isn't putting up any boundaries with her and seems like he never has. I don't want my step children to starve, but we have food here. BM doesn't work and has EVERYTHING paid for (did I mention that my husband paid 1/3 for her brand new car along with her parents?). We pay 1650 for her house, all medical, all kids activities, all gas. Her parents pay for her utilities. She will also lie to the kids and tell them that I tell her I need a break from the kids and they need to go to her house. I have zero contact with her. It's all lies. My step kids used to love me, but now hate me. I truly believe BM feeds them lies about me.
Am I heartless for wanting some boundaries? She shouldn't be allowed to constantly steal our credit card information without any repercussions. My husband says he is stuck because he feels guilty that she is in a bind because of their divorce. He also doesn't want his kids (who are 22, 17 and 15) to see their mom struggling. But I don't think it's right to teach kids that it's ok to steal from people. I also don't think it's okay for kids to see daddy to the rescue all the time. I feel like I can't trust my husband because he tells me one thing and then does another. Perhaps there is more than meets the eye in this situation? I know what it's like to be a struggling mom. I was one for years. But she isn't struggling when everyone pays for her and she steals from us. It's causing major major issues between me and my husband.
Advice?
Well your DH keeps allowing
Well your DH keeps allowing it so obviously he doesn't have an issue with it. You have a DH problem not a BM problem. Nothing will change until your DH does.
If DH wanted to stop this it
If DH wanted to stop this it would be done.
Every single time she uses his card without his consent he has clear evidence of theft. If he brought her up on charges that would be it. Considering her behavior he could get primary custody and be done with this.
Now why won't he do this? Because then he takes the kids from mommy which if course could end up bad for their relationship but I think the situation they are in now is more unhealthy.
You need to decide what you will do. Either demand he changes and if he doesn't leave or keep allowing.
Sorry, but she isn't
Sorry, but she isn't stealing. Your husband is allowing her to have access to those funds.
He's paying her mortgage(and extra CS) because he wants to do so.
If he didn't want her to have his checking account #, he could have paid CS with a postal money order. That would have only costed him an extra $1.00 each month.
Be could have ordered all of the cheer stuff himself instead of giving the kids the credit card #s.
Your husband is the problem, not BM.
You are so right. Though,
You are so right. Though, the reason we pay for her mortgage is because she won't pay for it and the house is in his name from the marriage. She has totally messed up his credit due to so many late pays and threats to foreclose. She plays 'chicken' so to speak and knows that he will rescue her when needed because of the kids. I would have no problem if she needed to move out and live in a small apartment. But he says he doesn't want his kids living like that. I'm starting to see that DH is definitely the problem.
Although I agree DH is
Although I agree DH is enabling to the max. when it comes to his ex-, the be.atch is still stealing from him. No such thing as stealing being OK because someone "lets" you. Classic case of step hell. Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell. They are both the problem. However, the odds are high neither will ever change. DH is too guilt ridden and his cojones are clearly in BM's purse, and BM is just having too much fun. You have to ask yourself, is this what you want for the rest of your life?
As others have said his ex
As others have said his ex isn't stealing from you, your husband is allowing her to have access to his money. If he thought she was 'stealing' then he would be getting the police involved.
I would suggest that you remove your money into a separate bank account, and I would go as far as to say completely different bank. I would also only pay a percentage of your household bills and any credit cards do not use them, get you own if you must. That way you are not funding his EX.
You need to make it clear to your husband that you will no longer 'give' his ex any money, he will give you all kinds of BS about it's for his kids not the EX. If he says will he giving it not you tell him in that case you will be removing your money from the account and you will give X% to cover you part of the household bills and you will remove your name from any all credit cards (contact credit card companies yourself) as you will not be responsible for any debt he runs up while supporting his EX.
I would have left my DH the
I would have left my DH the FIRST time this happened. I can't believe you tolerate this BS.
WTF - and you are still with
WTF - and you are still with your Husband.... Oh hell NO, Hon...
Separate finances immediately, your money is your money only, you do not need to support this woman, If you are not working, find a job and get financially independent, start with an exit plan. Your husband is the problem not the XW...
If she stole the credit card details, then he can file fraud charges, but he gave it to her....
Why is he paying more then the CO? This woman can go and work but then again why should she, every one pays for her... I wish I knew people like this in my life, it would've been so much fun...
seriously keep your income separate from his, you only pay a 3rd of house hold expenses... the rest is for him cause he have his children, not even 50/50.. and make sure you are not liable for his debt, seek legal advice and start with your exit plan
^^^^^^^^THIS RIGHT
^^^^^^^^THIS RIGHT HERE^^^^^^^^^
This woman is manipulative,
This woman is manipulative, dependent, lazy and entitled. She plays everyone in her life by the look of it and doesn't take responsibility. BUT..
like others said, your husband is the problem. I assume he has a CO. He needs to keep to that and not pay ANYTHING else. One of the kids is 22 so I assume he doesn't pay CS for that one. He does it because he feels guilty.. hmmm well that just fits into her modus operandi.
He has shown you he doesn't want to change this and it feels ok for him. It doesn't feel ok for you though and it seems he doesn't care how you feel. So, you have a decision to make. Separate all finances and disengage or leave. He has two wives.
You are right, it isnt good for the kids. It's giving them some very bad messages about relationships and especially how to conduct your finances.
Re: this line--"My step kids
Re: this line--"My step kids used to love me, but now hate me." This is due to DH acting like he is literally still married to his ex-. Although there is probably poisoning-the-well going on too, from what you said, DH and BM are acting like they are still married, just living in separate households. The kids have long since picked up that you are in the way. And, that is how both your husband and BM are treating you--like you are in the way. Sucks when your own DH treats you like wife #2, a lesser wife, a concubine, who is expected to kow·tow to the royal queen and her subjects.
Sorry, but you have some hard choices to make. And, you are not alone. Many SMs struggle with this, because society as a whole tends to see SMs as lesser wives. I say, the be.atch is still stealing from you, tho. You might want to see a lawyer. If DH won't haul her butt off to court, maybe you could, somehow? There is the thought that DH is somehow letting her do this, but there is also the reality that if you can prove she has literally been stealing from YOU, you may be able to bring up charges sans DH. DH has been doing his own thing. Time you start doing yours.
I really appreciate your
I really appreciate your response. It's probably the most enlightening thing I've read and is definitely giving me food for thought.
1. Separate your finances
1. Separate your finances from your DH.
2. If the accounts she withdrew money from were joint.. charge her with theft.
3. Read DH the riot act. He will NOT pay her bills... he is setting a dangerous precedent if they were to go back to court and those monies might not be seen as CS and he might owe MORE.
4. In fact, if she is so disabled she can't work.. perhaps the kids would be better off 100% with your DH and I'm sure she won't pay any CS.. but you will probably end up better off financially.
5. Watch out that without working she isn't entitled to MORE CS.
DO NOT PAY HER HOUSE PAYMENT
DO NOT PAY HER HOUSE PAYMENT thinking it will even out the child support payment.
She CLEARLY ~ can not be trusted.
OUR BIO SKANK lied and took my husband back to court for back child support even though he OVER PAID her with cash...
So not only did she already received well over the amount the court awarded her ~ he is now having to REPAY thousands and thousands of dollars.
All she has to do is say to the court ~ I was never paid child support. He was paying the house to be nice. AND BAM ~ Your husband will owe her BACK CHILD SUPPORT.
PLEASE ~
Pay her CS with Cashers Checks. IT will save you from over paying and you will have documentation for every payment.
GOOD LUCK!
Do you work? Or are you fully
Do you work? Or are you fully supported by your husband?
Are you on the accounts he's allowing her access to?
From the sounds of it he's pretty well off.
There is also a huge possibility that he's having an affair with his ex-wife.
I don't work. Back in the
I don't work. Back in the day I worked for DH as his secretary, but since then, his sister has taken over and I am just a SAHM. We have joint accounts, but there's no separating finances because I don't have my own money.
So your DH divorced his wife
So your DH divorced his wife and married his secretary... Who then quit working and is mad because the man has no boundaries with a woman...
I wasn't 'the other woman'.
I wasn't 'the other woman'.
No you are not heartless.
No you are not heartless. Now.... quit paying her directly for anything. DH needs to immediately engage the court for a CS order and direct pay to the Child Support Enforcement Office and then they cut a check to the BM. NO MORE DIRECT PAYMENT OF ANYTHING TO BM!!!! PERIOD!!!!
Not be be a master of the obvious... However... your DH is an idiot for voluntarily being this toxic BM's benefactor and on call beck and call boy victim.
smh
kks0719 are you looking to US
kks0719 are you looking to US here at ST to tell you what your dh is doing is wrong?
Are you putting it out there to SEE if anyone else's husband does what your husband is doing?
Not really. I don't know.
Not really. I don't know. The more I think about it and the more I hear from you guys, it's obvious that my DH is just as in the wrong as the BM.
I think you need to get a job
I think you need to get a job ASAP so you know you are independent.
If you don't want do to that, then you really don't have much leverage to tell your DH what he can do with his own money...
Couples counselling might help. Other than that, you might want to try disengaging, blocking all this madness from your mind and telling yourself that at least you are taken care of.
Good luck!
Just to add to what everyone
Just to add to what everyone else already said - any money he needs to give her should be in the form of a money order from the post office. Since she says she can't get a bank account, she can cash those right at the post office. And I agree with one post above: stop paying her house payment. If she falls behind, call a realtor immediately and put the house up for sale.
If you plan on staying in
If you plan on staying in this marriage, you are going to need to separate your finances completely from your Dh’s finances, and learn to accept that your DH’s money is regularly spent, and stolen, by BM. If you can’t swallow that pill, then you have some difficult decisions to make.