BM is histrionic

Left out mama's picture

The BM of my SD8, in my opinion has histrionic personality disorder. She simply cannot accept not being the center of attention. Is always the victim, refuses to take accountabilty for anything, but jumps at the chance to take credit for everything. Also, she will randomly flip out and cause a huge scene just because.

SD8 lives with my SO and I. My SO and I have been together for about a year and a half. He has primary custodody while BM has visition during the summer and christmas breaks. (BM lives halfway across the country).

SD loves her BM. As she should.... she is her mother after all.

All little kids love their mommies even if mommy is a waste of space. It just takes a while for kids to see that thier parents are not perfect.

SD went out to see BM at the beginning of June. She will be back in about 1 more month. Her going out in early June meant that she missed 2 weeks of school. The agreement states that her visits are to be during school breaks. My SO told the school that BM had booked tickets for SD to fly out before school was out. The school said it was not ideal but since it was only 2nd grade it was not going to keep her from moving on.

I know that many of you will say that it does not matter, that we should force BM to stick to agreement. But hear me out. SO was hoping the school would say NO, she cant miss that much school. That way it would put BM at fault for SD being held back. If BM thought she might get in trouble for causing her kids truancy she would back off. Flat out telling her NO... BM would absolutly tell SD that "daddy doesnt want you to come visit me!!!" This would put SD in the middle, make her feel torn and that she must pick sides. My SO and I DO NOT want that. That is to much emotional stress for a child. So my SO picked his battles. He decided that it would be easier for SD to catch up academically than it would be for her to recover from emotional trauma. I supprort him in that. There is no winning when dealing with crazy.

I have never met or spokent to the BM. This is the first visit SD has had in 2 years. Last year BM was in PRISON. SO  tried to get visitation terminated at that point, but his lawyer dropped the ball so we still have to allow the visiits....for now.

What breaks my heart is that BM made all kinds of promises to SD about all the fun things they were gonna do together. SD was so excited for all of these things she was promised. Not one of them has happened. She spends everyday sitting doing nothing with her unemployed BM or at the babysitters. The only saving grace in this whole visit is the father of SD half brother who is in the same town as BM. He includes her in outings, treats her like his own child, and is the one to contact my SO if there seems to be issues with BM that he feels we need to know about. Knowing that he is looking out for her is the only reason I have not had a total mental breakdown.

Anyways, I have never communicated with BM, but she HATES me. My SO, and his mother have told me that BM is threatened by me because I am a better mother to SD then BM. I am the one that has "girls day", gets her ready for school, cooks her dinner, talks to her about her day, tries to teach her how to be a good person. BM is jelouse of the relationship I have with SD.

Right before SD flew out, she started with more consistant behavioral issues (all kids have them from time to time). But it increased to the point that I was really getting pissed. Talking back, snide rude comments, ignoring me... to an extreme level. I took it all personally and I know I should not have. I get that she was getting nervouse about being away from her Dad and I. I also know that she was feeling like she had to show that she was loyal to her BM.

BM has had no shame in trying to make SD feel guilty for loving me. So I am very concerned about what her behavior is going to be like when she gets back. As much as I would love to, I will never say anything bad about BM to SD. This will only make her feel more confliced and eventionally she will resent me. Im not going to stoop to BMs level. 

I want SD to feel like she can still love me and not betry her mom. Any suggestions?

Also, does anyone have any experience on behavioral issues after SK returns from a bio parents house? what exactly can I expect, and how do I handle it in a way that will be positive for both SD and I?

 

 

GoingWicked's picture

I wish I knew the answer.  I do know my SD loves me, she just can’t show it either.  I think that is the one difference between having a skid that grew up with you in the home.  She has this basic trust of me, which sometimes surprises me, because she spends her time insinuating to me that I’m dangerous or evil.  I’m just letting the chips fall as they may, maybe it will work out in the end.  Your SD is with you more often, maybe it won’t be an issue.

MurphysLaw's picture

I feel bad for you, it’s obvious you love this little girl very much.

Unfortunetly, I see this child turning out like the mother and in the end you having your heart ripped out.

Sorry for your troubles.

Rags's picture

The odds of her not  being like her mother are slim at best.  

I have raised my SS-26 as my own since his mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo.  How he would turn out was a closely run thing. His SpermIdiot is a dope smoking, game addicted, serial statutory rapist underage girl breeding POS.

There were a number of years where SS was demonstrating far too many of his POS SpermIdiot's behaviors. Not regarding drug use or serial statutory rape events but completely engrossed in video games and fantasy card games to the point that he nearly failed out of HS.  Ultimately nurture did defeat the nature of the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.  His is blessed to be his mom's son and blessed that she and I made raising an viable adult of character, honor and performance our priority.  

We also had the pre visitation departure behavioral degradation and post visitation detox issues for many years.  SS had a very similar visitation schedule with his SpermIdiot as your SD has with her womb donor.  In SS's case it was 5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring.  What we learned is that zero tolerance for that crap is what worked the best, kept SS in closer contact with the behavioral standards he had to comply with in our home, and minimized the adverse impact of all of that mess on our family and home.

So, unless her father and you set and enforce standards of behavior that she either complies with or suffers for violating, there is a significant likelihood that she will turn out like her mother.

Nurture defeating nature takes absolute dedication and zero tolerance of inappropriate behaviors to make happen.  Even a small amount of toxicity in the gene pool provided by the blended family opposition can wreak havoc on the outcome for children cursed with that genetic crap.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

shamds's picture

No matter what you do those emotional ties, bonds and influence will rarely be severed.

children learn from their surroundings and social circles and peers how to function etc. If there is bas influence around, they will pick up on it easily

i used to tell my husband i can teach my kids to be the best they can be, be respectful/polite and not lie or steal but all it takes is 1 bad influence to tell them to lie to someone or pressure them to steal and all my good work is out the door so hubby is responsible for managing the dysfunctional relationship with his dysfunctional skids away from us and keep batshit crazy hcgubm away from us

Left out mama's picture

my SO does set clear rules about what is exceptable behavior. He follows through on punishments. 

Thank you for your feedback. It’s scary to think that someone who has such limited contact has such a big impact!

my SO has told me that he is actively and aggressively trying to prevent SD  from following her mother’s behavior. 

There are some similar behaviors between SD and BM....  however SD Behavior is normal for an 8 yr old..... BM behavior is the same as n 8 year old. But I agree we need to correct and teach negative behavior. I don’t think that was ever something BM had. She was just allowed to run wild. It was easier than dealing with the tantrums. 

MurphysLaw's picture

You will get a very good idea when the girl hits her tween/teen years.

If she is still looking forward to “all the fun stuff mom” has planned for her during vacation breaks (in other words, still drinking the bullshit flavored kool-aid & believing the lies) as opposed to wanting to stay home for the summer/breaks and participate in (fill in the blank with whatever sport/activity her school friends are doing) then you know what path she’s heading down.

Especially when she’s a teenager, if she’s into the party scene, drinking, drugs, inappropriate boyfriends…she’ll be counting down the days till she can party with cool mommy.

Time will tell.

Left out mama's picture

my SO does set clear rules about what is exceptable behavior. He follows through on punishments. 

Thank you for your feedback. It’s scary to think that someone who has such limited contact has such a big impact!

my SO has told me that he is actively and aggressively trying to prevent SD  from following her mother’s behavior. 

There are some similar behaviors between SD and BM....  however SD Behavior is normal for an 8 yr old..... BM behavior is the same as n 8 year old. But I agree we need to correct and teach negative behavior. I don’t think that was ever something BM had. She was just allowed to run wild. It was easier than dealing with the tantrums. 

Left out mama's picture

my SO does set clear rules about what is exceptable behavior. He follows through on punishments. 

Thank you for your feedback. It’s scary to think that someone who has such limited contact has such a big impact!

my SO has told me that he is actively and aggressively trying to prevent SD  from following her mother’s behavior. 

There are some similar behaviors between SD and BM....  however SD Behavior is normal for an 8 yr old..... BM behavior is the same as n 8 year old. But I agree we need to correct and teach negative behavior. I don’t think that was ever something BM had. She was just allowed to run wild. It was easier than dealing with the tantrums. 

Rags's picture

The answer is  no because the request is not in compliance with the CO. Not because Daddy doesn't want the Skid to spend time with BM. The kid needs to be prepped that if BM pulls this shit on the SKid during visitation the Skid knows the facts.

Quit worrying about putting the kid in the middle. Keep the kid fully informed of the facts, the CO, the CS order, and any manipulations by her whack job manipulative toxic BM.  This is the model that we used while raising SS-26 since before he was 2yo.  The SpermClan was always extremely manipulative and never stopped trying to load him up with all kinds of toxic bullshit from the very beginning.   We landed on the full facts model fairly early and kept him increasingly informed on the CO, CS order, state regulations and supplemental county rules, the Spermidiot's arrest record, relationship dramas, and the depravity of the broader SpermClan that impacted the overall situation.  We were careful to keep him informed in an age appropriate manner.  As he grew up, he had more of the picture.

This worked well for us, kept the SpermClan firmly planted under their slime covered rock at the shallow and polluted end of SS's gene pool.  Of the Spermidiot's four all out of wedlock spawn by three different baby mamas my SS is the only one who is worth a shit as an adult. 

His mom and I made raising him to be a man of integrity, character, honor and of standing in his chosen life our primary marital responsibility. In spite of the crazy manipulative crap perpetrated by the SpermClan.

Good luck.