BM is histrionic
The BM of my SD8, in my opinion has histrionic personality disorder. She simply cannot accept not being the center of attention. Is always the victim, refuses to take accountabilty for anything, but jumps at the chance to take credit for everything. Also, she will randomly flip out and cause a huge scene just because.
SD8 lives with my SO and I. My SO and I have been together for about a year and a half. He has primary custodody while BM has visition during the summer and christmas breaks. (BM lives halfway across the country).
SD loves her BM. As she should.... she is her mother after all.
All little kids love their mommies even if mommy is a waste of space. It just takes a while for kids to see that thier parents are not perfect.
SD went out to see BM at the beginning of June. She will be back in about 1 more month. Her going out in early June meant that she missed 2 weeks of school. The agreement states that her visits are to be during school breaks. My SO told the school that BM had booked tickets for SD to fly out before school was out. The school said it was not ideal but since it was only 2nd grade it was not going to keep her from moving on.
I know that many of you will say that it does not matter, that we should force BM to stick to agreement. But hear me out. SO was hoping the school would say NO, she cant miss that much school. That way it would put BM at fault for SD being held back. If BM thought she might get in trouble for causing her kids truancy she would back off. Flat out telling her NO... BM would absolutly tell SD that "daddy doesnt want you to come visit me!!!" This would put SD in the middle, make her feel torn and that she must pick sides. My SO and I DO NOT want that. That is to much emotional stress for a child. So my SO picked his battles. He decided that it would be easier for SD to catch up academically than it would be for her to recover from emotional trauma. I supprort him in that. There is no winning when dealing with crazy.
I have never met or spokent to the BM. This is the first visit SD has had in 2 years. Last year BM was in PRISON. SO tried to get visitation terminated at that point, but his lawyer dropped the ball so we still have to allow the visiits....for now.
What breaks my heart is that BM made all kinds of promises to SD about all the fun things they were gonna do together. SD was so excited for all of these things she was promised. Not one of them has happened. She spends everyday sitting doing nothing with her unemployed BM or at the babysitters. The only saving grace in this whole visit is the father of SD half brother who is in the same town as BM. He includes her in outings, treats her like his own child, and is the one to contact my SO if there seems to be issues with BM that he feels we need to know about. Knowing that he is looking out for her is the only reason I have not had a total mental breakdown.
Anyways, I have never communicated with BM, but she HATES me. My SO, and his mother have told me that BM is threatened by me because I am a better mother to SD then BM. I am the one that has "girls day", gets her ready for school, cooks her dinner, talks to her about her day, tries to teach her how to be a good person. BM is jelouse of the relationship I have with SD.
Right before SD flew out, she started with more consistant behavioral issues (all kids have them from time to time). But it increased to the point that I was really getting pissed. Talking back, snide rude comments, ignoring me... to an extreme level. I took it all personally and I know I should not have. I get that she was getting nervouse about being away from her Dad and I. I also know that she was feeling like she had to show that she was loyal to her BM.
BM has had no shame in trying to make SD feel guilty for loving me. So I am very concerned about what her behavior is going to be like when she gets back. As much as I would love to, I will never say anything bad about BM to SD. This will only make her feel more confliced and eventionally she will resent me. Im not going to stoop to BMs level.
I want SD to feel like she can still love me and not betry her mom. Any suggestions?
Also, does anyone have any experience on behavioral issues after SK returns from a bio parents house? what exactly can I expect, and how do I handle it in a way that will be positive for both SD and I?