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BM has no rules, I suffer the consequences

KitKat7's picture

We have custody of my SS because his mom "couldn't handle him". She is bipolar, an ex heroin user and generally unfit to parent. He's 10 ( 3 weeks til he's11). So my husband was forced to take custody or my SS would go into the foster care system. I suffer the consequences. Husband works, I do not. So every morning I have to wake up, remind him 85 times to get dressed, remind him to brush his teeth, etc. And yet these few things take him 45 minutes cause a fly on the wall distracts this kid (yes, ADHD and ODD). He's medicated for his issues. He doesn't greet me or talk to me unless he is told to. This child isn't likeable. He's mean to my dog. His grades are mediocre and he has no friends cuz "nobody is nice". He's a whiner, a crier, delicate to a fault. For no medical reasons he pisses himself and shits in his pants while wide awake but he's "busy". My own BD is outgoing, smart, friendly and charming (she's 21 and lives away from home due to my SS). His mother has visitation which is a nightmare cuz she goes to bed while my SS is glued to Grand Theft Auto and he is up til dawn (BM confirms this). We have him involved with scouts, martial arts, band, religious ed and local "tween" nights to try to socialize him. His BM doesn't support his activities. 

How can I handle this? My husband throws his hands in the air and makes empty promises ("I'll ground you til your 40!" Or or "I'll take away that toy"). No follow through, no real consequences. 

Is this just how my life is for the next 7 years?? I don't think I could tolerate that.

Advice? Thoughts?

tog redux's picture

Well, my first thought is that it's not your job to parent his child. Are you home with your own children? Either way, why can't he get the kid ready for school? Then SS can go to after school care, and your husband can take care of homework, etc, in the evening.

Just because you are home doesn't make you the boy's parent, you aren't. You didn't agree to care for him, he was dumped in your lap. 

My advice is that you and DH go to marriage counseling and discuss this issue, because it's going to break up your marriage.  Also, DH needs to learn to parent. 

notarelative's picture

Unfortunately, the things you can ignore when there is only EOWE visitation can be impossible to ignore when your spouse has full custody. And not every parent steps up when full custody is awarded to them. It can be difficult to change from Disney parent to actual parent.

Custody has changed and most likely won't change again (unless Dad is found unfit and SS ends up in foster care). You need to figure out how to deal with this ten year old boy. Even at their best ten year old boys are different from girls. Each kid is different. Not every kid is outgoing, charming, and social.

SS has lots of activities. Activities are good, but don't replace good parenting. Therapy for all might help. Individual therapy for both father and son, and couples counseling for you and spouse/father.

Dc3sc2's picture

This might not be the general opinion but I think consequences/discipline help a child feel safe in their environment. You say he's a whiner and a crier I'm pretty sure they're all over emotional when they're young. That being said however the lions share of parenting this child is not your responsibility and maybe talking to your partner and telling him you aren't responsible for his offspring might help. You aren't this boys mother he has one of those (useless as she seems to be) your the mean stepmom who makes him do all the things he doesn't want without having that bond that you have with your own children and it's draining being the bad guy all the time 

KitKat7's picture

I have stepped back GREATLY and my DH has 90% of all the parenting duties. With at-home schooling, I'm 100% hands off! My DH is working from home so he's schooling his son. I pop on my noise canceling headphones and I'm in my own world. SS continues to throw things, kick, growl, cry, etc.....  He's in counseling and on meds. But he's still behaving as I mentioned above. When he goes to bed I heave a HUGE sigh of relief. When he's gone to his moms, I feel like popping champagne. I feel guilty for feeling this way but he's not a likeable kid. And he's scary at times. His biomom continues to let him stay up till dawn (literally, I'm not kidding). She "can't control" him and says she won't stay up all night just fighting with him about bedtime. The kid won't listen to his mom. She's in a wheelchair and the kid admits he 'doesn't respect her' cause she can't punish him from a chair. An 11 year old who basically bullies his own mom and a mom who just gave up on trying (hey, if he's online till 4 a.m. SHUT OFF THE ROUTER!). And this kid will be living here for at least another SEVEN years. Seven years. Not sure I'll make it if this kid gets violent.