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BM Emotionally abusive! If it walks, quacks & acts like a duck, is it really a duck?

one step at a time's picture

My DH is a GREAT father & WONDERFUL husband. We have been married for 2 years now and for the last 1.5 years, I have been the only "positive" motherly influence in my skids lives;(SD7 & SS9)besides my DH's mother. In fact, SD stated on numerous occasions that she wishes I was her real mom. (UNTIL RECENTLY THAT IS) Anyway, to make a long story short; I'll "try" to stick to only the facts. The following should give you an "idea" of what type of person we are talking about and why things have changed between me and my skids.

My DH has joint custody but is the non-custodial parent. However, he was not ordered to pay child support in light of that joint custody. For 2 years preceding their divorce, my DH had his children about 60% of the time and as long as he was kissing her a** financially, BM lead him into believing that she would let the kids live with him once he found a new home. (My DH lived with his parents for 2 years following their divorce so that he could pay off $33k of "marital" debt that she conveniently made sure was in his name.) Everything was PERFECT (for her) until I entered the picture 2 years ago.

Let me start off by saying that I am a classy lady, I am also a BM to one child now (11 yrs. old), I own a very lovely home that I worked extremely hard for and I have owned my own real estate business for 12 years.

For no reason at all, the moment BM learned about me she began to bad mouth me. "Before" we ever met me, talked to one another or even emailed, the woman had an issue with me. The first attack was BM telling my 5 year old (at the time) SD that I was not allowed to bathe her. UGH! Here we go! I guess if I were a bad SM then that would make her a savior therefore; she would be less insulted by my involvement. But, I'm a great SM so; I've been the bad guy from day 1. I figured out along the way that she would rather her children be raised by single Dad than to live with the fact that another woman, "not of her choosing" could actually love and care for her children while they were in DH's custody. After all, the woman had to look at herself in the mirror every day and see the reflection of someone that could have & should have been a better mother and a better wife. However, I tried not to judge and I honestly tried to be understanding and sympathetic to her feelings as my involvement was clearly an attack on her motherly duties. BUT, my IRISH personality and having been raised by a manipulative mother myself, only allowed me to be understanding for about 4 months. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that she renigged on allowing the children to live with their father. SO, let the games begin!

In this corner, My DH and I: have a great life together, we have stability and we have a very traditional view on marriage & family. I gave up real estate 2 years ago to be a stay at home mom therefore; we live within budget of a very modest one income family.

In the other corner, we have BM: This woman has been married 5 times, gave birth to 5 kids, fathered by 3 different men; actually 4 now because her eldest daughter is now believed to be her current husband's child. (I guess they had an affair 18 years ago) go figure! My DH fathered her youngest 2 children. The first 2 children have NO relationship with their biological father (go figure); well, the man that signed their birth certificates-bio or legal, who knows? she lost custody of her 3rd child and now we are fighting for my DH's 2 children.

As this story unravels, let me disclose up front that I am not only a great mother and step mother, my DH and I am emotionally involved with our children. We love all three of our children & each other until the end of time. END OF STORY... as they live happily ever after, the end.

BM is the type of woman that can't be at home. In fact, she was NEVER home and when she was, she checked out and into her own world (behind closed doors with new hubby.) However, when she was married to my DH, she would just simply go shopping while he stayed home to care for his kids and her other 2 kids who DH helped raise and support for 5 years. During their marriage, she had an affair and she forged his name to a loan (while separated) that would fund her boob job. bla bla bla, who cares what she did while she was married to my DH, they always had my DH in their life to pick up the pieces. However, she doesn't roll like that in her new marriage. She simply leaves my skids with their unruly and illegal behaving siblings to watch over and care for them.

On that note let me give you a little history on her other children. They have multiple arrest records; including her 4 skids with new husband. All children over the age of 16 have dropped out of school, drink, smoke, cuss etc. and she actually made the stupid choice to room small children with teenagers. Yes, 8 kids crammed in a 3 bedroom house plus finished garage.

Hopefully, you have visualized the picture that she was intending to paint in terms of proper rearing my DH 2 children. Oh, I didn't mention that BM eldest daughter obviously suffers from BPD and my SD has recently been diagnosed with BPD as well. (Thanks to my DH for pressing the issue through the school principal, she was finally tested.)

If this weren't enough, BM does not administer medication as prescribed (tons of proof), all serious injuries take place while they are in her care, she dropped the youngest off at my DH's parents’ house in Dec last year wearing FLIP FLOPS (it snowed that weekend) and 2 mos. ago, one of my skids didn't even have any shoes with him. They are never dressed accordingly; clothes are either too small or too big. If snow is in the forecast, they lack jackets, hats, gloves etc.

2 years ago, she DECREASED my DH's visitation to every other weekend (for no reason) except a CLASSIC CASE OF PARENTIAL ALIENATION. She makes decisions about the children without including DH. She is without a doubt a CONTROL FREAK as she intent ally makes visitation a hassle and apparently she is above the law because on top of the mountain of other contempt, she pulls a NO SHOW on DH's weekend.

To further explain the mountain of contempt, remember the loan she forged my DH's name to? AKA: BOOB JOB? BM was court ordered to pay the debt but she DOES NOT! The automobile in her possession (joint account) that she was also ordered to repay; instead, was repossessed. The marital home that she refied into her name was, foreclosed on. (She also robbed my DH of his half of the equity when she cashed out/refi)

My eldest skid is in 3rd grade and has been in 3 different schools, they have lived in 3 different homes. (The last 2 moves, she didn't bother to browse the registered sex offenders list) and her last 2 homes are rentals with registered sex offenders living nearby. I mean the list is ENDLESS.

Obviously, she has proven herself to be very reckless where money is concerned so, even though my DH was not ORDERED to pay child support, he still provided for them but only by actually meeting the need itself, NEVER would we just give her a check! Ironically, when I came into the picture, she began to deny that the children need any support from us so; we have simply had to guess at it.

In the past 2 years, she has tried to have me criminally arrested, (for emails having only to do with the children that were composed FROM our home account) and she has tried to have me "excluded" from my DH visitation. UM, excuse me but, this is "MY" house so, where does she expect my husband and skids to go?

She has a very clever way of sucker punching you (with her actions and she uses the children to get even.) I can go on and on about this subject but, just to give a couple of examples, she scheduled a family vacation on my DH's weekend and made sure the kids knew that she was planning on taking them to the beach. (Early April and it snowed the weekend before?) When my DH said HELL NO, it's MY weekend; obviously the kids cried all weekend. Another example is that she will entice my SD by telling her that little Susie at school is having a slumber party and puts my SD up to calling DH to see if she can go. She disguises herself by telling SD that she needs to ask her father first since it is his weekend. BS like that.

Ironically, when I came into the picture, she only wanted to communicate with my DH about issues that didn't matter and refused to communicate with him about issues that "do" matter. She wouldn't call our home to talk to him, she would only call him while he was working or in route to our home. She wouldn't email our home account but, she would blow up his work email. She would communicate certain things to my DH's parents but didn't see the need in communicating these things to my DH (Like baptisms, plays etc.) Obviously, we had no other choice than to set boundaries. VERY STICT boundaries at that. My DH does not respond to her emails from work, WE respond from our home account, we changed his cell number and gave her MY cell number, my DH parents don't communicate with her at all anymore. Get the picture? Having to deal with ME instead, pretty much put a stop to the "useless" communication. However, this would further insult her role as control freak!

Our custody battle is about a year old now but, her actions continue to fuel our fire. Recently, she moved 6 hours away without discussing it or even "NOTIYING" my DH. Having a complaint for change of custody & contempt already in place, her move is yet another "contempt" complaint hence the emergency visitation hearing soon after therefore, the ONLY reason why the children weren't returned to their habitual state is because she agreed to honor his visitation schedule which she was aiming to cause a serious & negative impact on the father/child relationship. Luckily, she didn't get away with it but, that hasn't stopped her from continuing to manipulate the children.

On top of everything else, she wants me removed from visitation and she is asking for child support. My DH makes LESS than he did when it was ordered that neither party would pay child support and now she has moved 6 hours away thereby making it IMPOSSIBLE for him to have 50/50 visitation (which she already took this away from him 2 years ago and while she lived in the same state) AND she voluntarily QUIT her job to be a stay at home mom, LIKE ME! Go figure!

Now, that is living the life of June Cleaver, she is now ACTING like June Cleaver in regards to BEING there but, she continues to take jabs at us through the children. My concern and reason for venting here today is, she may look, walk, talk and act like a duck (good mother) but, we all know it is only temporary until the court has ruled in her favor. The moment they do, she will go right back to being the sh*tty mother she has always been. That is just how she rolls.

Please, I look forward to your comments and any advice you can give.