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BM is a crackhead and BD thinks it adds "variety" to rearing

ltymchu's picture

So. BM is a total deadbeat (doesn't drive, barely has money for the bus, can't keep a job longer than six months, doesn't have a residence (bums of friends), gets drunk in front of SD (3 years old) and does coke and crack on the weekends. Spends what little money she has on gifts that she gives SD every weekend. Shows up to the daycare stoned.

SD doesn't really want to go with BM anymore. Told me today that she "go to drink beer like mommy and Uncle". Tells us, when asked if she loves mommy, "I love mommy's presents". She's a sharp kid but the situation is making her sad, and making me unbelievably frustrated/livid/powerless.

Talking to BD (who is otherwise pretty remarkable) he believes that none of this is really a problem and that baby needs to see mom no matter what. I am REVOLTED. Grew up in a very normal, wholesome home and he has told me that a) he doesn't expect her to change; b) he won't be getting a custody agreement anytime soon; c) the only time he would revoke/limit visits (to once/twice a month- unsupervised) would be if she endangered SD in any way (BM once left baby @ 18 months at a stranger's house for 8 hours to buy drugs); and d) THAT THE 3 YEAR OLD WILL BE ABLE TO MAKE THE JUDGEMENT THAT THE DRINKING IS WRONG AND WATCHING HER MOM BEHAVE IN THIS WAY WILL ADD VARIETY TO HER UPBRINGING.

I am having SERIOUS doubts about his judgement. He also said he wouldn't see a problem leaving our future children in her care regularly, to which I replied, "over my dead body."

My SD lives with us and I take care of her most of the time. For all intents and purposes she is my daughter. I love her to pieces and she's starting to call me mom (which I have mixed feelings about for many obvious reasons.)

I don't really know what to do. SD trusts me more than anyone and our house is the only stable force in her life, but I can't take this crap about BM being allowed to do WHATEVER she wants, WHENEVER she wants.

Please, please, somebody help.

Aeron's picture


Well then. The certainly explains how he procreated with such a screwed up person....

I have to say, that complete lack of judgement on this man's part would be a total dealbreaker for me. Thinking a 3 year old will be able to make any kind of a judgement call about drinking, much less a good one is ... just... completely out of my realm of imagination. Telling me he wouldn't have a problem with leaving my children with a drug user would be the seal on the decision "Great! Never Ever having a child with you."

You can't change him. If this is Really how he thinks that is just unutterably sad for his child. But you can't change it. And you won't change it. If he doesn't get that watching her mom do this crap will lead her to believe that it's ok and probably lead to her living that life style when she grows up, he's either insane, delusional, or seriously, seriously stupid.

I would not stick around for that. Even if I completely and utterly adored my stepchild, there is no way on earth I would would be able to feel confident building a life with a 'partner' who thought about things in these terms much less be even remotely ok to have children with a male like that and that would mean I wouldn't be staying in the relationship.

Only you can decide what you're willing to live with. Personally, I'd be leaving. And calling CPS on both of them.

ltymchu's picture

Hahaha. I'd say.

Up until now we've agreed on everything, but when he's put to the question "What kind of future do you want for her?" I think he believes that with me, SD has a much better chance than she would have with both BM/BF drinking and doing drugs so our current situation is a "good enough" kind of thing.

Extra pressure on me. I get to do the grunt work and mom gets to do whatever.

That said, Silvercat is right too. I'd have TREMENDOUS guilt knowing that I could have prevented the downfall of a child. But at what cost? This is the conundrum.

I appreciate the input. My mom and friends say more or less the same things, but I feel like I'm taking crazy pills when I hear this garbage from the BF and the BM. It's easy to lose grip on reality when people are so convinced of their own bulls**t.

Aeron's picture

I get the guilt thing, but I don't think you're being realistic about it. Even if you stay, because this child's father will do nothing to save her and her mother seems to be intent on actively leading her down a road of substance abuse and irresponsibility, how much will you Realistically be able to do?

I suppose there is a Chance that you could have a situation where this child will realize early that her parents are Insane and make the deliberate choice to be nothing like them. It is Possible that she will appreciate you and love you and respect you and be grateful for your efforts.

However, I think that this is realistically unlikely. There is a much greater chance that this child will be raised to disrespect you, that she will reach an age (maybe by 10, maybe not until 16) where she decides that she wants no rules, that she's interested in alcohol and recreational drugs, that you are not her mother and she doesn't have to do what you say. Based on this crazy man's statements, I would have zero faith that he wouldn't see this as simply a 'learning opportunity' for her and allow her to continue on her merry way.

I guess in my cynical (perhaps realistic) view... this kid is going to grow up in the shadow of her mother and likely wind up at least a casual user of illegal drugs, probably a drinker and likely a teen parent.

I used to have the comment thrown at me all the time that "beggars can't be choosers" and that never flew with me because I wasn't a beggar. If this man is satisfied with "good enough" for his child, no amount of effort on your part is going to save her. If it were me, I would seriously be calling CPS to take her away from both of them and I would be leaving.

I know in many ways that seems harsh - how can you leave this little girl to suffer who knows what fate.... the problem is that even if you become a permanent step-parent fixture in her life, you will always be the Stepparent. When she becomes a pre-teen, a teenager, a very very angry young person, you'll be the one she'll take it out on.

So given that, what are you willing to sacrifice? A partner you can rely on? Children of your own? Stability? It's all about what you are willing to live with. This is a Very hard situation. You obviously care about this little girl very much and I feel for you. I don't envy you the choosing in the least.

BM is obviously an unfit parent. The fact that BF doesn't see this or rather, it seems he sees it and sees it as no cause for concern... makes him a completely unfit parent in my mind too. People like that should just not have children. I'm afraid that this little girl got dealt a crap hand from conception and unless she gets removed from them Both entirely, it's going to be one big long ride on the crazy for her, no matter who else jumps on board that train with the 3 of them.

Silvercat's picture

I agree with Aeron! God!

But of course the poor OP is now stuck between a rock and a hard place - if she leaves, the SD has no hope.

giveitago's picture

I'd walk behind him, bend over and yell 'HELLLOOOOOOOOO' into his butt! That seems to be where his head is right now.
I get that the child might be revolted by what she sees at some point, I also get that children of addicts have the potential to become addicts themselves. Add a mix of pain growing up, anxiety, lack of maturity to develop positive coping skills?
I understand your love for SD, I feel it for my SKids too.
What I am not willing to tolerate is their bad assed behaviors as they were allowed to go to and from the insanity that is their mother.
I should also add that unconditional love is a huge burden for children of addicts to bear, I can sort of see his point in not denying them access to their mother. Are you strong enough to deal with the counselling required for this girl?
No one wants to see a child go to the state, though I do see the need for some input from a counsellor here. It takes a while for 'daddy' to get his head out of his butt, as many here can testify...right ladies?

xtina's picture

OMG I am heartbroken over this. Here is my opinion and I don't give harsh opinions on here but.... you need to the following: 1. Gather evidence that supports what you say about BM 2. Call Child Protective Services TODAY!!! 3. Kick your husband out on his ass. 4. Then call CPS back and tell them in your opinion, SD should not end up in DH's custody either.

And for your SO to think he would EVER leave YOUR child in BM's care just BLOWS my mind!
Get your SD out of that woman's care NOW.

xtina's picture

Also, what adult thinks back and says "I had a druggy mother who risked my life constantly but it's a good thing I had such a DIVERSE upbringing!!" NO ONE EVER!!!!

Natalia Ely's picture

Xtina, this is usually true. But my half-brother and I were exposed to excess drinking and urged to participate in our early teens (me) and toddlerhood (him). Neither of us drink, just when we are coereced by social norms. But there's a danger of being a drunk even at 14 and also sad is the possibility that she will think that betrayal of a child by first her mother and then her father is the norm. That living for sensation is good. That neglecting one's most sacred responsibilities is OKAY. That eternal crisis because of drug / alcohol is the way it is. I would not look at the young father in his present state as truly grown up. He may have become used to these kinds of behaviors and is justifying not the ex, but at least one of his own parents. Exposing the child to drunkeness, joblessness, constant crisis is how you bring up a co-dependent little girl, the victim of abuse by future boyfriends etc. This is true, I think because parents WILL be justified by their young. Too scary not to think one's own parents are in a bad category.

At least try parenting classes and maybe go on to talk therapy. Friends who are new parents. One usually avoids them as they can talk about diaper contents for hours but perhaps the biological father could get a clue about how deep the love of parent is supposed to be for a child. Who else but someone totally infatuated could talk baby shit over dinner for hours -- happily. The hormonal wash takes over and your never recover. You do learn how to resume normal behavior, however, at least I think you do.