BM is a crackhead and BD thinks it adds "variety" to rearing
So. BM is a total deadbeat (doesn't drive, barely has money for the bus, can't keep a job longer than six months, doesn't have a residence (bums of friends), gets drunk in front of SD (3 years old) and does coke and crack on the weekends. Spends what little money she has on gifts that she gives SD every weekend. Shows up to the daycare stoned.
SD doesn't really want to go with BM anymore. Told me today that she "go to drink beer like mommy and Uncle". Tells us, when asked if she loves mommy, "I love mommy's presents". She's a sharp kid but the situation is making her sad, and making me unbelievably frustrated/livid/powerless.
Talking to BD (who is otherwise pretty remarkable) he believes that none of this is really a problem and that baby needs to see mom no matter what. I am REVOLTED. Grew up in a very normal, wholesome home and he has told me that a) he doesn't expect her to change; b) he won't be getting a custody agreement anytime soon; c) the only time he would revoke/limit visits (to once/twice a month- unsupervised) would be if she endangered SD in any way (BM once left baby @ 18 months at a stranger's house for 8 hours to buy drugs); and d) THAT THE 3 YEAR OLD WILL BE ABLE TO MAKE THE JUDGEMENT THAT THE DRINKING IS WRONG AND WATCHING HER MOM BEHAVE IN THIS WAY WILL ADD VARIETY TO HER UPBRINGING.
I am having SERIOUS doubts about his judgement. He also said he wouldn't see a problem leaving our future children in her care regularly, to which I replied, "over my dead body."
My SD lives with us and I take care of her most of the time. For all intents and purposes she is my daughter. I love her to pieces and she's starting to call me mom (which I have mixed feelings about for many obvious reasons.)
I don't really know what to do. SD trusts me more than anyone and our house is the only stable force in her life, but I can't take this crap about BM being allowed to do WHATEVER she wants, WHENEVER she wants.
Please, please, somebody help.