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What To Do, What To Do...Hmmm....

FrustratedandLost's picture
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So, my YSD got kicked out of her mom's house a week and a half ago and ended up bringing all of her stuff to our house. She had a huge mess in the room she sleeps in, you couldn't even see part of the floor there was so much stuff. This all happened on Sunday and on Friday morning, she was sitting on the bed with the door open and this is how the conversation went:

Me: How's it going?

Her: It's going.

Me: You have a lot of stuff.

Her: Yea

Me: Are you taking your clothes with you when you go stay at your friend's house? (Because she had to stay at a friend's house for the rest of the semester of school. She goes to school two hours away)

Her: No, but I can take them to grandma's house, that's fine.

Me: Well, as long as it's organized so we can get to our filing cabinet. And I walk away.

What the heck did I do wrong? She closed the door and the next thing I know she starts bringing stuff out of the room and putting them by the front door, at which DH asks what she's doing and she mumbles something where only he can hear. He asks me if I said anything to her and I said that I asked her to organize it so that we could get to the filing cabinet. He goes in the room and the next thing I know we are moving stuff around in the corner of our garage so she can put her stuff there that she doesn't need. Then I find out that she's taking stuff to my SIL house and tells the SIL that I told her she couldn't keep her stuff in our home. This is what happens. She exaggerates everything to make people think it's my fault. My DH is the same way. Then we're out in our garage organizing stuff and my other SIL that SD talks to, pulls up in front of our house and tells us that she's there to help SD take her stuff to the other SIL house. Long story short, We got the room more organized and her stuff organized in the corner of the garage. I told my SIL as she was telling me that when someone is hurt, they don't want to cause trouble and I told her everything was blown out of proportion. 

My husband said that we are going to buy a dresser for the room she's in so that she has somewhere to put her stuff. I personally do not want to give her the idea that she's going to live with us, even though my husband made a comment that "at least she'll know her dad won't kick her out". We have been our home for a year and it's the first time we've had complete privacy in our relationship. So, she has to find a place to stay for the last semester of school. My thing is that I don't want to live with this kid again and I know that if I tell my DH how I feel, he's going to be mad and tell me that I basically don't have a say. I'm just not sure how to handle this. It won't be until May when she gets done with her schooling. Then she will come back here. Any advice would be good how to handle this situation. She will be here thanksgiving week and then for a month in December between semesters. I cringe every time my SD is here because I feel like I have to walk on eggshells with her because my words are taken out of context. Anybody been through this?

FrustratedandLost's picture

She's 23 and is a self-entitled brat.

Winterglow's picture

Why isn't it assumed that, once she's finished school, she'll be looking for a job? And all this guff about daddy not kicking her out ... bleah. She's at least 22, she's nearly qualified as a nurse, it's time she looked for real life solutions rather than mooching off of daddy. 

I thought your DH was pissed off by her attitude too? Does he really fancy living with one woman who pisses him off and another who is pissed off at him for allowing that other woman to move in? His life can't have been miserable enough in the past if he can't imagine what kind of a living hell he'd be living in. Besides that, there can only ever be one queen in a castle if you want to avoid conflict. He must either be a glutton for punishment, have a really short memory about how things were in the past between you and SD, or have some kind of a death wish ... 

FrustratedandLost's picture

He says that she will take her nursing board test and get a job then find a place to live but past history says otherwise. He will not tell her to do any of that. So it's all BS. His older daughter stopped talking to him the year the pandemic started and doesn't ever contact him so I think he's compensating for the loss and doesn't want to lose contact with the YSD so he's going to treat her like a baby because she got kicked out of her mom's house. 

Apparently he's not pissed off by her attitude that much because ever since OSD quit talking to daddy, YSD now kisses his butt and acts so sweet to him. It's almost sickening. Blood is thicker than water but when it comes to a marriage, doesn't a spouse come first? Not a snot nosed, self-entitled, dramatic, narcissistic, manipulating little b*&^%?!

Winterglow's picture

What did she do to get kicked out?

So he'd rather enable her to be dependent rather than encourage her to be an adult and to spread her wings? Do yoiu think a neutral third party (therapist/counselor) could maybe get through to him?

FrustratedandLost's picture

her mom and mom's girlfriend (yes, mom is lesbian), put cameras up all over the house, except SD room and bathroom, to watch what she was doing and when SD tried to put a camera up in her room to see what they do when they go in her room, the camera showed up on the wifi. BM and girlfriend, told her to come talk to them in the living room and told her she had to leave that night. I asked DH today what led up to her being kicked out and he said the cameras. I think there's two sides to every story and I don't think SD is telling the whole truth. But that's just my opinion.

FrustratedandLost's picture

DH told me towards the beginning of our relationship, that he will never go to couple's counseling and that he doesn't believe that counselors tell the truth. This attitude stems back to when he was going through his divorce with Ex BM.

FrustratedandLost's picture

This kid is 23 years old and my husband still acts like she is like a child. He lets her have her space but then keeps her on a short enough leash where he can still have control. It's ridiculous. They are both narcissistic and dramatic. But yet, I am the one that has the problem.

Stepdrama2020's picture

This wont end well, you already know that.

I am feeling your pain.

Guilty daddios with snot nosed entitled B SD never ends up well for the SM.  BTDT

You need to be totally honest to your DH. Ask him if he wants his marriage to survive? Ask him what is more important a happy life or walking on eggshells to please his entitled ADULT daughter.

Ask him if he truly believes he can do better with SD if our home isnt in harmony?

Ask him if he cares at all on how sick you feel about this?

Ask YOURSELF if you can continue on if SD moves in?

Be kind to yourself hun. Life is short , make it a good one.

Blessings

DarlingDanzel_2017's picture

Do you think she's projecting the negative attitude she has toward you - onto you?  Do you think she's playing the game? She didn't say- she said?   Anytime you two are alone, and you say something to her, she will twist it around to make herself out to be the victim.  Example. You and she are in the kitchen alone.  

You say:  SD23, I love you! 

SD23 runs out of the room to get daddy like you are trying to kill her. 

"Daddy, mean old stepmother said she hates me!" 

The beating (your DH) will give you shall (now) commence!  

From now on, do you think it's wise not to engage SD23 in conversations?  And, if you do have to talk with her, use the tape recorder on your phone to record the conversation. If she runs to her Daddy- after her tirade and histrionics, your phone might tell Daddy a different story. 

True Story

OSD was histrionic like that too.  I remember once we were in a Department Store, in the makeup section.  It was me, DH, OSD, and YSD.  

Me: "Your makeup is almost like it was done by a professional.  Did you do it yourself?"  

OSD: "Yes, I did it myself."

Me: "it's a professional job - looks good, but you have a demarcation line around your jawline. You need to extend your foundation down on your neck and blend it. If you do that - your makeup would be flawless!" 

OSD wrinkled up her face, started to cry (fake crocodile tears), and said, with full conviction, "Daddy, she hates me. She said my makeup is bad!" OSD proceeds to run out of the store crying hysterically, leaving behind an embarrassed father (Daddy-in-denial) and clueless YSD, who sports a blank stare into space (no one home). 

That was the first time I met OSD; from the start, I knew this one was a bad apple! 

Cover1W's picture

Wow - you have more patience than I do. A 23 yo?!  I thought she was like 16 or something, mayyyyyybe 17/18.  But 23?  NO. I wouldn't have even asked for a "path" I would immediately have gone to DH and said 'her or me, 30 days' - I don't think she'll be going anywhere based on her new storage area in your garage and your DH flopping to her side on this.

FrustratedandLost's picture

DH said that he would buy a dresser for the room that SD is staying in and at first the weekend that all of the BM drama took place, I agreed to it. But now that I think about it, I don't want to buy a dresser for her. That means that she's going to keep her crap in our room and I told DH when we first moved her nobody was living with us. He said that way when she gets her own place and somebody else ever needs a place to stay, they would have somewhere to put their stuff. I don't know how to approach this conversation with him. Whenever she comes and stays with us, she uses our house key, incase she stays out late with her friends. But before she leaves, I remind him to take it back. He says I worry too much. He has told her in the past that she can't have a key to our house. But who knows if that will change. This whole thing has turned into a cluserf&%$ of a mess and I have a feeling I'm going to lose at it.

grannyd's picture

In reading your previous posts, it's clear that your husband and his toxic daughter have been bullying you for years. What a shame, that your relationship with your husband lacks appropriate communication. Your very valid concerns about living with his daughter should be open for discussion rather than you fearing that ‘he’s going to be mad.’

However, you’ve written that both your husband and his daughter are ‘narcissistic and dramatic’, which has kept you dancing to their tune. The limits of my own tolerance for bullying of any kind are very narrow indeed and it sends my blood pressure into the stratosphere when I read about a situation like yours.

Hon, you really need to draw a line in the sand and stick to it! If your husband is a true narcissist, he’ll be loath to disturb his creature comforts i.e., a stress-free domicile, in order to accommodate an adult offspring. The fact that he is willing to sacrifice your happiness and the sanctuary of your home says a lot about him and your marriage. None of it good. 

At the very least, your husband needs a firm reminder of your remark, upon moving, that nobody was living with you!

 

CLove's picture

Youve got mini-wife in there and a daddeee that wont let her go and be independant. And now hes "saving space" for her to come back to nest.

If he will not go to therapy, time for a huge heart to heart talk.

STAND YOUR GROUND about your boundaries. SD23 has been a total B!tch to you since 2015.