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bedazzled's picture
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I am totally disengaged from SD33 and SS31. Have not seen either of them for 2 years. They have tried to play all kinds of games with me and I am not playing. I do not want to be around them at all. 

Here is my problem. DH has a sister that I don't like. She came out and told me about 6 months ago that DH's kids come first and maybe we(DH and I) should move on from each other since his kids don't like me. She say's that even though DH was divorced for several years before he met me his kids were not ready for him to have a relationship or marriage. (it could have been 100 years and they would still not want Daddy in a relationship)

I have not gone around her since. She and her husband built a house across the street from their daughter, son in law and 2 kids. They are all together every day. The daughter and SIL both work from home. Mom and Dad are both retired.  They have never missed a single event or game for the grandkids. She thinks this is normal and how DH should be living his life with his kids and grand spawn. 

I have been with DH 14 years. Married for 9. In that time SD and SS have never attended a single event for DH family. Not once.  Now that SD is married and had a spawn she is putting on a big show for her husband that she is close to DH family. DH sister is eatting it up. They have become buddies. 

So I get an email today from SIL daughter. She is having a party for her parents 50 wedding anniversary. She has invited SD and SS.

I have always been very close to my husbands brother, and other sister and family. SD never has, even when she was little. BM did not like any of them so they never were around them. 

So I will probably not go to the party. SD will be playing the role of "I am the most kind perfect person on earth and look at me and my perfect little spawn" "We are gods gift to all of you" "No actually I am Gods gift to the world"

DH will still go. It is his sister and brother in law. I really feel like I have lost DH whole family now. I was really close to them. His 2 great nephews are like my grandchildren. 

I know that blood is thicker than water. And I know that they are SD family but she has never given them the time of day for 33 years. 

I know it will be me chosing not to go. I am just sad that I am losing my extended family because of that stupid b@#$$.

Down deep I really wish DH would not go. I wish he would have my back and support me. We together could just go out to dinner with them or something. (Oh to hear the words. "If my wife isn't going I am not going"  A girl can dream! 

It will be a small party and if SD and husband and spawn and SS are their DH will ignore me. If they show up his family will treat them like the second coming because they have not showed up all these years. 

 

 

 

SacrificialLamb's picture

Don't go to any situation that makes you uncomfortable. A party for people who have made you feel uncomfortable? No thanks.  But don't assume you have lost another part of the family either, just because they will be at a party together. Maybe this BIL can judge things for himself?  I get along well with my SIL even though she is still good friends with BM and knows that OSD and I have no relationship.

Don't look at it as your DH is choosing SD/SIL over you because he is going to a party for his sister.  You are wanting him to snub his sister as a sign of vindication after what she done to hurt you. In his mind, he is just going to a party for his sister.  Find something else to do that you will enjoy doing and do that.  Tell him you understand she is his sister, but she has said unkind things to you and prefer to let him go on alone.

Yes you are right that after 100 years it would be too soon for daddy to be in a relationship. Kids who grow up being the center of the universe have a big problem being moved off of center.  Reality is that your DH did not need his children's permission to get married, nor did you need their approval. I would have told my SIL that if they were still having trouble after all these years, it sounds like the poor babies needed counseling.

 

Dovina's picture

Sacrificial as usual nails the dynamics. "kids who grow up being the center of the universe have a big problem being moved off of center." Then so it begins, the twisted dynamic the skids create to alienate the SM. How dare she wear my crown?  Soon enough they infiltrate the small circle of support the SM has. Perhaps let SIL know you are unable to make this party (no reason necessary) but you would love DH and yourself to take them out for a celebatory dinner. Keep the relationship friendly and warm as its always been. 

Rags's picture

Go to every event. Look radiant. Go to the salon, go shopping then attend the event, put your best foot forward, and beam your happiness on your DH's arm.  Periodically lean over seductively and whisper something in DH's ear in a conspiratorial manner. It doesn't matter what  you whisper, just make it look good for the audience. In fact make it something that will get a notable reaction out of your DH.  My IL clan is a major drama generator.... whispering in my wife's ear that she looks HOT .... or some other such interesting comment...... always works to break some of her anxiety when we are splashing in that drama pool during IL clan visits.

Script a few key, keep em guessing, cutting statements to hit them with when they pull any crap.  Base those statements on your past experience with these people and what is likely to transpire.

"Well bless your sweet little heart."

"And how is that working out for you?"

"I am so sorry you aren't feeling well.  You look tired." (This one you throw out when they are being nasty.

"Does someone need a nap?"

"Well I am sorry you feel that way over something you have created in your own head."

"Wow, someone needs to get these kids under control."

etc..........

The beautiful thing about cockroaches is that they  tend to run for the dark corners when someone throws on a light in a dark roach filled room.  Be that light.  The roaches will scurry.

If you don't attend... they win.

Living well and being happy is the best revenge.  Enjoy your revenge and never cease the campaign of victory.  Rub their noses in it every chance you get.  They only win if you give up.

 

disrestep's picture

Rags, these are just perfect comebacks. Hope you don't mind that I borrow some during the next stephellish event I am blessed to have the honor of attending. 

Dovina's picture

I am going to keep Rags awesome comebacks in my treasure chest and pull them out when needed. Always be prepared!!!

This dadswife is OVER IT's picture

Meeee too, perfect comebacks. Not sure I can go to the events though. I have lost theself esteem I used to possess b3cause if this sort of drama

Rags's picture

My guess is that you can come up with several from  your personal experience with the toxic people in your blended family adventure.

still learning's picture

Love this response Rags! I agree that since you are close to most members on DH's family's side you should go.  Remember that none of this is personal to you, SIL and skids would be nasty to ANYONE in the position of DH's wife, except BM of course.  I've had to endure MIL holiday events where cranky ss32 was there trying to poison the party for everyone. I'm totally going to use, "Does someone need a nap?" next time I have to be in his cranky poor me presence again.  

People see through the nasty antics that skids are pulling, they may love them and endure them because they are family but no one likes it.  Rise above, let the turds sink.  

***Disclaimer: I am very picky about which family events I attend w/DH. Many I don't go to and send him off alone but because I adore MIL I go to her gatherings for her sake.  

Phoebe333's picture

Yes... Yes...Yes! Right on!!

Love it!*ok*

disrestep's picture

You are not alone. My DH has a couple of sisters and SIL who are also retired and have no lives other than revolving their lives around their gskids. These relatives feel that DH should also revolve his life around his gskids, who are the spawn of his hateful brood, who don't contact him unless they want him only to attend one of their gskid functions. They  don't even call DH on his birthday or any holidays. Of course, if a gskid has an event, they expect DH to drop everything he is doing and travel to attend one of these blessed events.

There were a couple of recent DH family events we both attended. Both DH and I were relieved none of the adult skids showed up. I was prepared for if they did though and expected, as they have always done, to play their hateful games with us. 

Your DH's sister had no right telling you that you and DH should not be together and it is not up to her or his kids if he wants to have a relationship with you. That is just a mean thing to say. It is up to you and DH and no one else's business. 

It's same with the adult skids. Whenever they and their kids show up at any event, the world is suppose to revolve around them and we are suppose to just act like they are perfect little angels who have never swore at us or threatened us. 

If it were me, I'd either not go and tell DH why and how they make me feel, or go and hang all over DH because I know how DH's brood and some of his family just cannot stand to see us so happy together. It helps pass the time and DH loves it. I feel sometimes like some of DH's relatives turned on me, as they blame me for DH finally putting his foot down in the way the skids treat our relationship. I know the adult skids have brainwashed some of DH's relatives that I am the reason he doesn't wish to socialize with his hateful brood. It doesn't bother me anymore, where quite a few years ago it did.

Just ignore the people who do not treat you right and concentrate on those you know are decent to you. I figure, If some relatives have nothing left to their relationship, no hobbies, no shared interests and no spark and want to revolve their lives around their gskids then good for them; but don't expect everyone else to share that same mindset. 

Good luck

sammigirl's picture

I have the same issue with my Skids.  I get along well with OSS59, SD57 hates me and has for 38 years, YSS54 is a user and never comes around (thank God).  

OSS59 and DIL are very good to DH and I.  Therefore, I have a "friendship" relationship with them.  I stay away from SD57 and am totally disengaged.  I have never engaged with YSS54; he is DH's problem.  YSS54 has always been in and out of the Justice system (jail) since DH and I met (38 years ago); therefore I've always stayed disengaged from YSS54. 

My entire Step-family knows the situation with SD57 and I.  They all know I do not want to be inflicted with SD's passive aggression, which includes my SGD34 (mother/daughter).  I do not attend any events that include them, and I have not for 3 years, not one event.  I have not responded to either of these women in any way.  I don't make an issue of not attending, I just don't do it. 

With all of this said, OSS59 and DIL come to visit and I am on social media with my DIL.  SD and her family are allowed to visit DH, in our home.  I am civil, but treat them like they are just another person that is in our home to visit DH, not me.  I do not hostess them, nor do I play any drama games.  I ignore them, while sitting in the same room.

At the same time DIL is on social media with SD57 and SGD34.  I have SD and SGD blocked from ALL of my social media.  I do not discuss these women with anyone, including OSS, DIL, DH, nor YSS. 

We do well with no drama, only because I have set boundaries with the step-family and myself.  It is possible to move forward and separate the entire situation.  You do not have to give up your extended family.  I am also friends with BM's sister (DH's ex-sister-in-law).  We have been friends for years and never discuss BM, SD, SGD, or any of the drama.  

Your DH will not choose you over his family, that is a bottom line fact.  Let your DH do his thing with his family, you do what makes you feel comfortable.  For years, I attended all events to be at my DH's side.  It became very stressful for me, so I choose not to do that any longer.  DH knows my reasons and respects them.  My DH still attends, I find something else to do, usually spending time with my immediate family.  

Your extended family will respect you, if you let this go and never respond to any of the drama; which includes letting your DH handle his end of the events.  You handle your end.  My suggestion, never ask or discuss any of it with anyone, just set your own boundaries for you and move forward and enjoy your extended family in your own home, lunch out, or events that you know toxic family members will not be attending.  

It is workable.  I'm sorry you are going thru this, I understand; I experienced it for 30+ years, before I gathered my self esteem and took care of myself.  (((hugs))) 

CANYOUHELP's picture

Sammi is right.  I used to think it could be about winning or losing.  I learned rather quickly that if I felt that way I am the loser and they are the winners. Maybe there is no real win for anybody in this situation, but staying away from the family incest (and that is what this sickness is), protects your mental health and sanity.  What anybody thinks of me (who treats me like this), has no relevance in my life--that includes HIS family and DH if he morphs into his wimpy daddeee role. If they are the winners, let me present them with the blue ribbon. Never one to quit, but this is not a race worthy of my running.

Being in this circus at all is not easy; it is never perfect; but it is easier when you can control yourself.  It takes years, but you learn to protect yourself, after uncalled for nastiness is thrown at you over and over, and you watch your husband morph into jello even when he is being directly insulted. You cannot "make" a person do anything; you can however, control what you do.  When you have had of enough of the family sh....show, you will know what you have to do too...

 

bedazzled's picture

Thank you canyouhelp for the sound advice. You are so right it does take years. I feel like i finally can see what has been going on with all the help from all of you. I really did think it was me. Now I know better. Thank you. I can no sent the bouderies that I am not willing to go back on. I am controling me now. I know I will go backwards sometimes but, I will never go back to where I was a year ago. It was a really dark place. 

sammigirl's picture

You will be ok.  Each time it gets rough, just remember your goals.  Remember what it was before you chose disengagment. 

The reality of what you had will push you forward.  Bad days happen, but they get better with you standing on your boundaries.

amyburemt's picture

When all these people are saying rude hateful things to you. where is your dh ? does he tell them to knock it off? its' amazing how immature these adults are and I don't even know how you have been able to deal with it. I would disengage from them all.

sammigirl's picture

My DH is oblivious to this behavior.  He claims I imagine the treatment that SD and SGD give me.  I just ask him to "pay attention", when they are around.  DH will never admit their actions, but I know, he realizes what I am receiving is not fair. 

CANYOUHELP mentioned incest; this is mental incest between father/daughter.  I see it with my son-in-law and SGD (father/daughter); thus I read it here every day.  It is what it is.  If you disengage and move forward with a life for yourself and make yourself priority with the step-family, you win!

My DH has never had my back, nor will he ever.  I set boundaries for myself, nobody else and I am the winner with my disengagement.  I will never look back nor go back.  My marriage is better for it also.

 

bedazzled's picture

Sammigirl. You are correct. I have done alot of reading about the emotional incest that you mention. I was stuggling with disengagement. I still wanted to be part of the family. Now that I am disengaged I really can see what was really going on so much clearer. 

I can see the the family dynamics of this family were messed up long before I came into the picture. I thought that we could be a normal family. This was not a normal family before I came along. They never will be a normal family. They will never have normal family dynamics. 

It is so true that you can't really see what is going on until you take a step back and in my case disengage. I spent years beating myself up. Taking the blame. I let DH, SS, SD and SIL get in my head and make me think it was all me. Now I can see clearly. It was not me. They were already broken. I like you sammigirl can call it what it is Emotional Incest and narcissism. I no longer have any want to be included with all the drama. I will continue my relationship with my husband and leave the rest behind. 

You have been a rock for me sammigirl I can't thank you enough!

 

bedazzled's picture

No he does not tell them to knock it off. He will not stand up to them. He puts his head in the sand and hopes that time will just make it go away. 

Phoebe333's picture

I would go to party anyway and visit with the family you have gotten to know over the  years. Let the SD do as she pleases. Expecting your husband not to go is kinda crazy to me. They are his siblings. Get a new outfit, manicure, and earrings. Have a good time and let the anger go. It isn't very becoming.

Reread RAGS post.

bedazzled's picture

I have deceided not to go. The SIL and BIL who the party is for, had a very close relationship with my 3 children before SD came back into the picture. My 2 sons helped BIL build the house that SIL and BIL live in. The spent 2 years of weekends and summers of helping them build the house. If SD goes to this party it will be the first time she has attended a family event in at least 15 years. My daughter also had a very good relationship with SIL and BIL. 

My 3 children were not even invited to the party. They are all very hurt. They didn't know that the relationship was so paper thin. They didn't know that they would get tossed aside. 

When DH was married to BM she never attended his family events with him. He either went alone or took his kids. I feel that SIL feels that since DH now has SD back in his life so, me and my kids don't count anymore. Things are back to how they used to be for them all. They are all a happy blood family.

I can really see more clearly now. The family dynamics of this family were very weird and messed up long before I came along. DH's sister also feels like she has this weird control over DH also. Now that I can see the forest for the trees, I really just want to stay away from them all. DH can go. I chose not to. I really don't want to be around people who think that just because someone is their blood they are better than everyone else. I really have learned in the last couple of years that people from this family are allowed to treat people like trash. But nobody from the outside better treat anyone from this family like that.  It is really interesting to watch this family from the outside. 

I find it very sad. I find it very sad that people really do think like that. I am so greatful that my kids did not turn out like that. If they treated or treat people bad I am not afraid to tell them. My kids are not perfect or even close but, they do not walk around all the time thinking they are better than everyone else. 

My kids and I are much better off just staying away from it all. Let them have their party and all their sick sick family dynamics. I think if they thought they could they only would have married in their own family. 

 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

when we realize that it's not us, but them and their preexisting dysfunction.

For these people to practice exclusion is sad, but common. So spend time with your kids, doing things that bring you happiness while your SO hangs out with his toxic family. 

still learning's picture

The thing about exclusion is you start enjoying it.  You look forward to your new found drama free time.  I'd rather be snubbed by ss32 anyday than sit around for hours hearing him talk about how great he is.  

sammigirl's picture

still learning:  It is even more fun, when my SD57 found out that I was actually enjoying her snubbing me and staying away from me.  Then SD came crawling back (visiting DH) to try and win back our family dynamics.  NOT    

I have absolutely no feelings for my SD, not one bit.  She doesn't exist in my world, only when she presents herself to visit her Dad; which isn't often now.  I don't miss her, I don't think about her daily, I don't care if she falls off the face of the earth.  With that said, I still have to endure her, when she comes to visit; but I cannot tell you one word she utters, when she walks out the door.  I hear her, but I'm not listening.  What amazes me, this is all natural for me now.  Also, when DH mentions her or her immediate family, it's almost like he is talking about strangers and I actually have found myself walking away in mid conversation.  I also hear him, but am not listening.

It is so freeing!  Without you people here, I wouldn't be where I am.  I will never leave this site, because I do still need the support to help my disabled DH and swim thru the muck at times. 

Moose:  It took years for me to get to the point of total disengagement.  Hang in there!  As long as we are married to our DH's, there are hurddles and times we fall off the wagon; but it gets easier and more enjoyable.  Smile

bedazzled's picture

Thank you Sammigirl. I feel just like you do. SD is nothing to me. I also don't care if she falls of the face of the earth. I don't want to know anything about her. DH knows now that if he forces me to be around her I will not hold back. I will tell her exactly what I think of her. I told him I am done sitting silently with both SD and SS and taking their abuse. 

I think DH also knows that he will never have a normal relationship with SD spawn because he did not set any bounderies with SD. He will never have the spawn at our house etc. DH made that bed. Now he has to deal with it. Like others have said not my circus.