You are here

Upset over disengagement

Loveydovey52's picture
Forums: 

Hi all. So thanks duo for this place to vent . 
 

a little background about me and my current relationship. My DH and I have been together for 3 almost 4 years now . I have a BS5 BD2 and SS6 SS4. I am the primary caregiver for my BS5 BD2 and SS6, who has just come to live with us for this school year and has it been challenging ....

I am constantly trying to find the time for my own kids plus him and his needs as a new reader and kindergartener. I get him up for school get him to school etc , and then pick up and help with all hw . You know, mother duties . He still struggles respecting me and listening to me . When I notify is father he basically gets a slap on the wrist yet when it is my BS , who always listens and isn't disrespectful -may slip up and show emotion whenever he has to get ready for bed etc he insists that I punish him and I don't agree . So my disengagement of my SS6 is stemming from the fact that I do everything for him and it isn't like it gets any easier , and I'm not valued by my DH. He always has these ideas of something more I need to be doing with him and I'm confused as to why he thinks that is my sole responsibility ... he works 5am to 5pm sometimes shorter days and he never feels he needs to pitch in . I feel obligated at this point but also majorly resentful for the time I am giving him when no one else cares whether it happens or not . My BS starts school this coming school year and I don't think it's fair that I'm the only one involved in establishing foundations (especially when the SS ISNT LISTENING).

My other issue of disengagement has come with the struggle of trying to be anything to SS4. He comes to visit every other weekend . Coincidentally my DH works every Saturday . But my SS4 is Very temperamental . Throws tantrums screaming fits . Doesn't listen . Talks back . Everything that would drive you up the wall. My DH never disciplines him . He claims that I don't spend one on one time with him enough and I am mean to him. ( I'm trying to figure out where he has gathered this information seeing that I'm the one who solely cares for him the time he is in our home. I do his hair. Take him to the playground . Play with him watch tv etc .) and he has the nerve to tell me that I do not speak enough one on one with him .

 

AM I GOING CRAZY OR WHAT . Is that not what a dad is supposed to do ???? I have told him recently that I just refuse to keep him if he refuses to be in the home with him or to discipline him bc I refuse to be disrespected. He claims that he should be able to leave him with me with no problem. (Not like he is ever with all of the kids at once alone EVER, or that he ever watches to BS or our daughter willingly) The kid is just constantly saying I'm not his mom etc . I just don't have any desire to deal with him at all . Obviously not healthy for me . Writing this all out is really pointing me towards JUST LEAVE . I just wonder if anyone has any approaches to the situation.

 

thanks for reading . 

ndc's picture

Do you work outside the home?  It sounds like your DH works a lot of hours. You mention 5 am to 5 pm, and Saturdays.  If he's working a lot and you're home all day, his expectation probably is that you'll do the bulk of the parenting, including of his kids. Which is fine if that's what you mutually agreed AND you have authority and the ability to discipline to go along with your responsibility.

If you're not a sahm, or if you haven't agreed to take on the parenting, then you and DH need to have a come to Jesus meeting where you let him know what you expect from him.  The SS's are HIS kids and HIS responsibility when they're in your home, and he needs to make sure they're cared for and they behave to the standard the two of you expect. If he can't be home for SS4's visitation, then SS4 should not visit. He's coming to spend time with DH; if DH spends no time with him, then there's no point.

I will tell you that I do most of the care/parenting for my SDs when they're in our home (50/50), but that is our agreement as I'm a SAHM.  But DH does play with the kids and spend some time with them when he's home, he gives them their baths every night, and he'll take them if I'm busy with our baby. I am also free to discipline them and he will back me up. Without that, I don't see how such an arrangement works.  If your H is not doing anything to help with his kids, and he isn't backing you up/insisting on respect for you from his kids, then I'd start questioning whether you're there to be the unpaid nanny. 

 

Loveydovey52's picture

So I am a full-time nursing student and the days that I do not have school I work . And of course handle everything else that needs to be handled (actually paying bills, grocery shopping , errands etc). Sometimes I'm even expected to drive an hour (another county over ) to pick up or drop of SK's . So I've been mentioning lately what I think should be done by him and it's like I've slapped him in the face . He gets defensive and believes that I'm their mother when they are in my home and that I should treat them as my own (as I do , but it's still major added responsibility).

 

im not sure how to take his attitude whenever we disagree on expectations . He is just always defensive and attacks me with where I'm supposedly lacking when I feel like I'm pouring as much as I possibly can into the family . Or even sometimes he completely disregards what I'm saying and doesn't reply to my concerns so I just never really feel a resolution or an commitment to improve.

 

Stressed19's picture

Nope!!!! Not your responsibility..... Anything you do is or should be only because you want to!!! You need to set clear boundaries now if you intent to stay for the long haul. He needs to give up his Saturdays when he has his kids.... If not possible then why are they there??? 

Rags's picture

Quit taking SS-4 on Saturdays.  DH can pick him up on Sundays. Since EO Sunday is part of DH's COd visitation BM must surrender SS-4 even if DH does not take his Saturdays.

SParents should be equity life partners with their SO and equity parents to any children in the home, regardless of kid biology.  That said, SParents are not live in beck and call resources and should not be overly burdened by their SO's to raise and care for SKids when the breeder parents are not stepping up.

The SParent cannot be expected to care and contribute more than the parents who bred the Skid.

Loveydovey52's picture

You would think this would be common sense but really I think it just stems from the whole child support crap. Not like he really cares as much as he acts like it . 

ndc's picture

Would not taking him on a Saturday affect CS where you are?  In my state, unless you have some minimum number of overnights (I think it's around 92, so EOWE won't get you there), CS is a simple percentage of gross income calculation. So if you have EOWE and you skipped every Saturday, it wouldn't affect CS a bit.

Loveydovey52's picture

Him and his BM have an agreement that if he has his eldest FT and the youngest EOW then essentially he doesn't have to pay (she gives him the money back) . I don't get into their crap but their crap is starting to consume me and I don't think it's fair to the kids at all. And why the hell am I the only one conscientious about this ? 

Rags's picture

For some reason getting something for their CS money seems to be a thing.  A thing that my SS-27's SpermClan had as well.  For the 16+ years they paid CS under the CO they were a monster sized collective pain in the ass.  Then.... the day SS turned 18 they immediately contacted the CSE office to end CS (as they certainly should have) and had no contact with SS for a couple of years other than to harass him to send money to help support his three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas.

It has been nearly 10 years since he aged out from under the CO and their attempts to contact him have been negligible. Not that his contact with them has been notable at all either.

We have always had a close relationship and talk regularly. Though not as frequently as his mom and I would like.  No money involved.

They "cared" as long as they were on the hook to support him.  Immediately after that point, they did not give a shit. Which they really never did but felt like extracting their pound of flesh for their pittance in CS obligation was their holy quest.

ndc's picture

OK, it seems like he's just a lousy partner and perhaps has black and white views of gender roles.  If he attacks you when you try to discuss the situation, I'd suggest counseling, so you have a 3rd party there to mediate and make sure each of you is heard.  With you being as busy as you are, his expectation that you will do everything with respect to the home and his kids is ridiculous.  What does he say to justify his lack of contribution (other than bringing home a paycheck)?

Loveydovey52's picture

Yeah I'm starting to feel that way . He also says he is just so tired after working . Witch I sort of understand but I get up the same time and go to bed later every day . And he pays majority of bills . I just feel like regardless that isn't enough when you have an entire household . More like 5 kids instead of 4 .

shamds's picture

When i told him i had disengaged from his 3 kids with ex and would never be present at any meets or functions they would be at to fake this one happy family bs. Hubby claimed his daughters and son love me and that i am their mummy.

oh did hubby cop alot of abuse then. I told him i am not mummy to kids i have no control over and cannot be disciplined, civil and respectful and that they have 2 parents who screwed up to thank for that!!

Every few months hubby is suckered back in sd drama that bio mum neglected them and poor them on their own abandoned by daddy except they choose to maintain no contact with daddy and guilt him for abandoning Them when hubby does contact them and its the usual “busy with work” if they can be bothered to reply. 

Then hubby suggests that we bring sd’s along and I firmly reiterate i will never be made to go on a holiday or meeting with them ever again and hubby claims they apologized for their unacceptable behaviour, great did they apologize to me?? No of course not!! Hubby thinks because they do the lip service that why not give them a chance, like they should be given multiple chances because they are poor cod..

i reminded hubby since they like to reinforce that me and my kids with hubby (their half siblings) are strangers, that as a stranger if you want to be a disrespectful little shit, abusive and enjoy abusing me and my kids, guess what? There isn’t much there for me to wanna pursue any kind of relationship with them. So hubby can get his head out of his arse and be a friggin parent.

despite all this there is alot still for my hubby to work on but disengagement is liberating because no one can ever guilt the stepmum. Skids are somebody elses screw up!! 2 people are solely responsible for them, you aren’t one of them!!

Loveydovey52's picture

Do you still blend as a family ? What exactly does this mean for the relationship? He is basically giving me an ultimatum of if I don't like his kids it doesn't work . I just don't like his lack of parenting !! All these ultimatums are starting to feel really wrong . I have given and given and given . I am constantly compromising . I don't ask for much . And yet I am asked of everything . It just doesn't seem right . 
 

I think our relationship is over at this point . He thinks I'm crazy that I'm telling him these things are more his responsibility than my own . 

ndc's picture

You're not crazy.  I understand why he expects you to continue doing what you've done - it's what he's used to.  But that doesn't make it right and that doesn't mean you have to do it forever.  You need to decide if the relationship is worth what he expects you to do.  If not, call his bluff.  Maybe his ultimatum is real and maybe it isn't.

shamds's picture

wasn’t interested in respecting me as his wife and providing a stable harmonious home environment because it would upset ss from not being able to abuse us that divorce was the only option because hubby was not interested in change. I told him i just wanted our 2 kids and to get away from him and his 3 misfits since they were more important than us.

Hubby told me divorce was not an option he would consider that me leaving him would break his heart.

well how do you think i’ve felt all these years?? Hubby told me if i left him that not one of his kids with ex would give a stuff about him. Thats when i told him you do realize you are alienating the only people that truly care about you unconditionally and love you. Your kids eith ex only contact you for favours and money then its months of no contact

i told hubby there would be active changes. The next time ss (then 20) came back home from uni hubby went to pick him up. Let me tell you ss has a habit of over exaggerating things and doing he lip service and his favourite is referring to himself in 3rd person saying “person is stressed” which is to shut hubby up from demanding ss be respectful and civil. Ss came home and within the hour was vacuuming and scrubbing his bedroom and bathroom. Hubby scared him shitless on the way home from work

Ang1224's picture

My dh thinks im crazy for disenguaging also. Its not me being mean or out of spite or jealousy. Ive literally tried and it drove me nuts so i have to focus of my and my biokids. he can have his precious but it puts a definite strain on our marriage. Im not sure where the line should be drawn what he should do and what I should do to help him not my sd. I always end up feeling guilty if im not doing enough for mysd 

Loveydovey52's picture

I just can't see how he would every even see his children if it weren't for me and so what do you think about that ? And it isn't like he is super involving with our daughter or my BS . He gets offended when my BS isn't comfortable talking with him but I feel like he has been abusive/targeting towards him and I just don't understand why he has to do that . Even if his ultimatum is real it is all relieving that I wouldn't have to deal with all of the extra stuff . I feel I would be a much happier/better mother giving all of my love and attention . He just keeps painting this picture that it won't be like this much longer bc I am in school and I'm thinking oh great ? FT nurse and mom to you and the kids . Why would I want that 

SteppedOut's picture

I think you know this relationship is all but over (and it sounds like you want it to be), but he is gaslighting you into believing YOU are the problem and "everything is fine".

IMHO, he sounds like a manipulative jerk, who is also mean to your son. 

SteppedOut's picture

I think you know this relationship is all but over (and it sounds like you want it to be), but he is gaslighting you into believing YOU are the problem and "everything is fine".

IMHO, he sounds like a manipulative jerk, who is also mean to your son. 

ETA: I just read your previous posts. Please leave this relationship, if not for yourself, for your children. 

hereiam's picture

He is basically giving me an ultimatum of if I don't like his kids it doesn't work .

He thinks I'm crazy that I'm telling him these things are more his responsibility than my own . 

He's using you. His kids are not your responsibility. And you don't have to like them.

Even if his ultimatum is real it is all relieving that I wouldn't have to deal with all of the extra stuff .

This should really speak volumes to you. It's time to end this. You are not legally married, correct?

Look, he's gaslighting you. I've been with my DH for 23 years, since his daughter was 5. He never expected me to be her caretaker or to love her as my own. Your SO's ultimatums ARE wrong and they are self-serving. He doesn't care about what you want, as long as he gets what he wants, someone to take care of his kids.

Mandy45's picture

You should treat them as your own. Well if you should treat them as your own. That means sk should also obey the same rules that you have for your bio. 

And if dh is not home that your the boss so sk must do whatever it is that you seem fit. 

It seems with sk that they get to live by a set of different rules. And that your suppose to care for them like there your own. But the same rules dont apply. Because your not there real mum. But your too raise them like your own. But with special rules. Because they not yours.

Confusing yes it is. 

No matter what you do you can never win. 

And in the mean time you end up wasting so much time on the SK yourself and your bio suffer. Because everything needs to be about the SK. 

Then your relationship with your dh suffers because he thinks your not being doting enough to his kids because your annoyed and frustrated. And would just like some of your life back because in the end it not really your problem. But you need to seem like your helping and accept his kids. 

The circle just goes round and round. Your screwed if you do your screwed if you dont. 

Someone is always going to be unhappy. 

 

 

 

TwoOfUs's picture

It seems strange that the SSs are split up like this. Kids need their siblings. 

My DH pushed back a bit when I first disengaged...did the whole "you hate my kids!!!" thing. It's just a guilt trip / manipulation tactic. 

I mean...can you imagine telling your sister: "Hey, look. I'm really sorry but I can't watch your kids today because I have to study" and her coming back with: "What??!! What kind of mother are you??!! You hate my kids!!!" 

No. Of course not. Because generally speaking, most bioparents intuitively understand that even people who ADORE their kids (like grandparents, aunts and uncles? Family friends) can't be around them all the time or take on parental-level responsibility for them. And declining to be around the kids or watch them doesn't mean you hate their kids...it just means that they're NOT YOUR KIDS so watching them is a choice and a favor. 

 

Somehow, when it's a divorced & remarried dad this logic and common sense goes straight out the window and they start throwing around the "hate" accusation. Like others here, I believe it's a tactic meant to shame you into doing what they want you to do (ie -take on all THEIR respindibilities and make their lives easier).

Fortunately, my DH wised up pretty quickly and stopped expecting too much from me when it came to his kids.

In your case, I'd be tempted to start getting sarcastic:

"Oh. You think I 'hate' your kids because I don't want to have full responsibility for them and spend every spare minute with them? It seems like you don't want to spend your time with them either. Do you hate your own kids??!!" 
 

Or.

"Let's take a poll of 100 women who aren't your kids' mom...just like me. Let's find out how many of them want to mother your child full time for no pay. Oh...none of them?? Damn. Seems like a lot of women 'hate' your kids!!" 

Winterglow's picture

'I mean...can you imagine telling your sister: "Hey, look. I'm really sorry but I can't watch your kids today because I have to study" and her coming back with: "What??!! What kind of mother are you??!! You hate my kids!!!" '

And those are kids you are actually related to ...

TwoOfUs's picture

Very true.

I'd spend time with my niece and nephews in a heartbeat over my skids. I do a lot for them...by my own choice. It's never expected or demanded, though. Always appreciated. Always lots of hugs and thank yous (from the kids AND their parents, lol. I work from home and recently let the kids spend the night with me the Sunday before MLK day and my sister literally hugged me and started crying because she hadn't been able to find anyone and thought she was going to have to call in at work.) 

At any rate. With skids you get the worst of all worlds and your involvement is just expected, never appreciated. Can you imagine that level of gratitude from your DH because you're enabling him to work and get ahead in his career?
 

The fact that he pays most bills? You're making that possible for him. And all he can do is complain and manipulate??!! Imagine if you left!!! Then he'd have child support for your bio daughter...he'd probably have to let his son go back to BM and find expensive child care when they are there. He should be down on his effing knees in gratitude. Asshole. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Don't be a doormat for your SO. You are definitely being taken advantage of and allowing that to continue will only cause you to continue to grow angry and bitter. What kind of a relationship is that if you harbor resentment towards your SO. It's not going to make for a good one.