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Thanksgiving - How it went

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Many of you read my pre-thanksgiving post (thank you for the great insight.) As predicted, SKIDs showed up on time and ready to feast. I let DH handle them while I stayed busy in the kitchen. I could feel my anxiety rising and my every move being watched. I made myself scarce, didn’t ask a single question to SKIDs, ate, and kept silent. They giggled with daddee over silly games and one SKID acted immaturely making a mess at the dinner table in front of us. I didn’t care- I did nothing to correct adult SS as he made a purposeful mess all over the floor and table. Overall, everyone kept to themselves and anytime I felt I wanted to further disengage I simply went back to the kitchen area and/or cleaned dishes – happily cleaned the dishes to avoid. After 2 hours I encouraged DH and adult SKIDs out the door for some fun together. The next day DH met up with SKIDs to gobble down pancakes together. Surprisingly, after the meal DH choose to do an activity without SKIDs. The rest of the day went by, and he did not try to meet up with them. Finally, I pushed for him to join their dinner reservation which he did, but he didn’t seem that interested.


Overall, I felt good. I didn’t spend any time with them that next day (by choice) and it was very nice. I spent my holiday the way I wanted- relaxing without catering to ungrateful SKIDs. However, what do you think was going on with DH? I actively promote his relationship with SKIDs.

JRI's picture

You treated it like a dinner for work associates and that worked.  Your prior post made the point that, whatever we steps have done for them, we are an afterthought, nobody matters but BM and Daddee.  I accept that in my family, it actually makes it easier to stay disengahed.  Polite and civil.

You asked why your DH wasn't so engaged after awhile.  Mine is like this, too, he really likes me to be involved with his kids, its not as intetesting to him if I'm not plugged in.  I do it with OSS who is kind and loving to me.  I dont respond so much to SD andYSS.


SeeYouNever's picture

Why do you push for him to have a relationship with them? It's his responsibility and if he doesn't want to why force it? If he doesn't want to spend all his time stuck up their butts that's probably healthier than being a super indulgent Disney dad.

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

I do feel guilt - I want them to have a good relationship and I get pleasure in seeing DH and SKIDs happy together. BUT he has turned the corner and he has strong boundaries so I feel secure. I want him to have a great relationship. 

CajunMom's picture

I'll eventually be around DHs kids again....on my terms. And my thoughts on MY terms sounds a lot like what you did! Thank you for sharing!

As for what's up with your DH? Probably the same as mine. Because when they have to deal with their kids alone (without us helping), it's actually very tiring and a job. LOL

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Yep @CajunMom. To be honest I have taken a lot of guidance from you over the years - so this is a culmination of feeling supported by fellow stepparent and finally finding boundaries. THAT BEING's a constant battle in my head, I am sure I will do something overly nice in the future and feel burnt. 

CLove's picture

I think without you there, it turned into a boring me-fest. You are no longer the fun target to shoot at.

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

CLove, thats a real possibilty. Def a buffer from the real issues. 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Yes @Rags - SKIDs are not that interesting or nice to DH and if I am around that takes some of the pressure and abuse off of DH. When I am not around they feast on him.