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Tell Her To Ask Her Mother!

Ispofacto's picture

I disengaged from SD14 a year ago, but that actually wasn’t the first time.

I’ve been in the picture since she was 5, and I disengaged briefly before when she was 8.  Her behavior was absolutely atrocious.  I literally couldn’t take it anymore.  I had lost it and yelled at her.  Then I'd decided to stop making an effort and do my own thing.

Well, SD ran and cried to BM about it, and BM told her to report me to her counsellor.  SD pulled an innocent lamb routine, it was absolutely disgusting.  BM affirmed with SD that I was a big meanie, didn’t give her any warning that she was doing anything wrong.  Bullsh!t.  Boooo hoooo, poor wittle SD.  SD knew exactly what she was doing, she was smirking every time she threw her tantrums.  Making everyone around her miserable was hilarious while it lasted.  Counsellor coaxed me to apologize for yelling at SD, I overstepped.  I refused.  Sorry, not sorry.

SD could tell I was pissed at her.  That’s what happens when you poop all over someone.  She couldn’t take my disengagement.  I got attacked for spending too much time doing what I normally do: reading, working on my computer, visiting with my kids outside the home.  The ridiculous attacks came from BM and the counsellor, and I actually got questioned in court about how much time I spent reading and what I was doing on the weekends I missed events.  I allowed the questioning even though I didn’t have to, because it was all patently stupid and only made BM look worse.  

The same BM who kept SD in her bedroom most of the time, never made her a single meal, let her fend for herself since she was 3, had her get up alone and wait for the schoolbus unsupervised since she was 6, missing 60 days of school, neglecting SD’s health problems, while BM was passed out on methdone, fentanyl, oxycodone, telling her small child she was dying of cancer when she was not.  The same BM that told SD we were not allowed to have a relationship, and she didn’t have to listen to me.  PASinator extraordinare.  Tried to use my disengagement as abuse to use against DH in court, to prevent herself from losing custody.  

Well, it didn't work, BM did lose custody, even with all the idiotic accusations.  So DH and I decided SD-then-8 was still young enough we could make a difference, so we decided to try.  Silly us.  I re-engaged.  Nutured, went to all the events, cooked, cleaned, spent, gifted, transported.  The whole shebang.  Do or die.  Well, of course, we all know how that goes.  Meanwhile, BM didn’t attend any events, didn’t provide any support, etc.  Typical as usual.

So now that I'm disengaged again, this time permanently, after years of intolerable bullcrap, I keep waiting for the attacks to come.  I know SD cries to her mom about how mean I am, and BM tells her she did nothing wrong.  I’m waiting for the inevitable custody petition, alledging SD wants to live with BM because I’m mean.  Been there, tried that.  BM can file all she wants, so be it.  She’d have a snowball’s chance in hell, but either way, I don’t care where SD lives.

Well, last week, there was some kind of awards assembly at SD’s school, dunno what SD was up for, don’t care, but DH said she wanted me to come.  She could win the Nobel Peace Prize for all I care, and she would still be a POS, imo.  At this point nothing would convince me she is a decent person.  

So my reaction was “Tell her to ask her mother!”  He said, “Okay, I she wanted me to ask you and I said I would.”

I explained to him, again, that she has no interest in a relationship with me, and this is a continuation of her victim mentality, where she is giving the appearance of wanting a relationship, when really she just wants me to worship her.  I'm "being mean", while her mother gets a free pass.  

The assembly happened, and SD never told BM about it, and neither did DH, which he should have.  DH keeps playing into this victim mentality, while I’ve been beating the hold-BM-accoutable drum.  BM is MOTY.  So if SD wants something?  Ask your mother.  Time for BM to step up and be accountable.  As SD is so fond of saying, she has two parents, and I’m not one of them.  And that should be DH's *only* response to any prodding from the lawyers, if this comes to court, instead of his guilty-sounding defenses.

The problem is, DH thinks SD doesn’t invite BM to these things because she genuinely doesn’t like BM, and invites me because she genuinely wants a relationship with me.  I’ve had years of proof that that theory is incorrect, but that is how DH kept me engaged for too long, and now I have PTSD.  He’s not gaslighting me, he really believes it, because BM is a toxic POS, and everyone else hates her.  So SD will continue to play this victim game forever.  I told DH to never pass on any messages from SD, the answer will *always* be No.  I'm not interested.  He said “okay”, but he still doesn’t get it.

fairyo's picture

They never get it- sorry this is going on and hope you find some peace doing what you need to do for yourself.

Ispofacto's picture

Thanks, I'm doing okay.  This is an occasional blip in my otherwise serene existance.  

I just hope we don't end up taking care of SD when she inevitably fails to function as an adult.

lorlors's picture

I really do. It sounds like you have busted your guts with this kid and simply don’t have anything left to give and I am not surprised. Your DH sounds genuine and well meaning, like my DH but the scales are well and truly off your eyes and you see right through SDs manipulation and theatre. Keep up what you are doing. Self preservation is necessary as your SD sounds all about the drama.

Ispofacto's picture

Yeah, it's called Empathy/Compassion Fatigue.  I used to feel sorry for SD.  Her mom is incredibly toxic.  We offered her an out and she didn't take it.  She's been seeing a counselor since she was 6 and just blows smoke up her ass.  Now I don't care anymore.


lorlors's picture

that continuing to keep her perpetually seeing a counsellor was something she thrived off because yep you've guessed it she LOVES the attention. If I were you, I'd think about pulling her out of counselling altogether as serial attention seekers get off on the attention.

Survivingstephell's picture

Sounds like you have a DH problem and he didn't back your role up and hold SD accountable for her actions/behavior/attitude towards you.  How sad for you.  I bet he takes the easy road, everyone is happy, not one negative bit of energy in the house.  Now your stuck with a snotty rude SD.  As for her future, and yours, what are your plans to make sure she doens't stick around?  Since you are already mean, might as well own it.  *biggrin*

Ispofacto's picture

Yep. I'm a big meanie so I don't even try anymore.  She can't complain that I yell at her.  I don't interact with her at all.  She doesn't like it.  She is good at a sport, so hopefully she'll get a scholarship.  Whatever cost remains, DH agreed to only pay half.  I would have covered BM's share, but now I won't.  BM is her parent, she can ask BM where her share is, and SD can take out a loan to cover BM's delinquency.  BM is the other half of her parenting equation, not me.

Every time SD talks to DH about college her gives a little sh!t about "what is your mother planning on contributing?".  Broken record, drill it into her head.  "Ipso was gonna help you out but you blew it."

You can be very sure that BM will try to grift SD when she gets older, heck she tried to get the contents of her piggy bank when SD was 8.  Grifting people is the only reason BM stays in contact with anyone.  I will grab a bowl of popcorn and watch the show.

lorlors's picture

about who is paying for the skids university fees. Like you, if they had been pleasant and not manipulative, horrible and nasty brats to me in my own home I would have been open to contributing. Not now however. DH has been told in no uncertain terms that the money tree dries up at 18 years old and that’s that. There will be no movement, discussion or backtracking on this. Like you said, they can ask their mother!!!

Rags's picture

You are a realist.... DH is delusional.  The best indicator of future performance is past behavior.  SD is playing the same game she has been playing all along.  Your strategy of not playing her game is the right one IMHO.

Sadly... DH will likely keep serving himself up as her victim and keep trying to serve you up as well in an ill conceived and eternally failed attempt to finde something redeeming about his daughter.   I write toxic off... regardless of who may be toxic.  Family, former friends, strangers, .... it makes no matter to me.  They perform as reasonable people ... or they are little more than refuse to to be disgarded.  It makes me sad when people I love fail to see reality ... but that does not make me engage with toxic.  In fact it makes me confront it more aggressively because it hurts people I care about.

Ispofacto's picture

I know.  It's sad really.  DH is the ultimate loving family man.  Clark W Griswold.  I'm lucky in a lot of ways.  And DH now understands more than some of the other bios here, so there's that.