Taking his head from the sand...
He finally brought his head out of the sand and told me he couldn't see any alternative but to leave me. He said he's find a flat to rent and carry on working to pay my bills. I got angry, I told him I could pay me own bills thank you. I was cross becaue it is Mother's Day here in Fairyland and I had arranged to see my son- so I just left the house and have only just returned. I feel so angry with him because it is all because I don't love his kids like he thinks I should.
Here's the end of the conversation though:
Me: I'm feeling really angry right now and I don't want to get angry. Maybe we should involve a third party in all this.
Ostrich: How could that happen?
Me: Counselling, we could try counselling?
Ostrich: Yes,we could, I'm up for that.
Me: What about tomorrow?
Ostrich: It would have to be in the morning.
Me: How about 10:30?
Ostrich: How would that happen?
Me: I have a counselling session then-would you like to come?
Use this as a time to put
Use this as a time to put energy to you.
I'd lett him go and continue to See what happens with the counsellor. Enjoy your time alone.
We're going together- it's
We're going together- it's interesting!
You're not giving us any
You're not giving us any juicy details. Does he miss cuddling? Does he want to spoon?
Sorry I realise I didn't
Sorry I realise I didn't elaborate but I've been here a year and my story hasn't changed that much. After I disengaged from my skids the person I now refer to as The Ostrich buried his head in the sand, moved himself into the spare room and more or less shut down. There is more to it than that but not in the least juicy, infact completely the opposite. However, due to the support I've had here I have not bought into his pity party and it has been very hard, but the fact that he initiated a conversation the other day that led to our joint counselling session I think was a major break through.I know I miss all that physical stuff we used to share, and I like to think he does too, but he is so far enmeshed in his relationship with OSD that I think that counselling is our last resort.
I was aware of your story but
I was aware of your story but I am wondering what he said in counseling. It seems like he's been very secretive so maybe he gave you a clue what he is thinking, what he wants.
What he wants is to leave me-
What he wants is to leave me- he's made that clear twice- but he then said he was hopeful that we could work things out, but wasn't optimistic...whatever that means. He did mention his kids and the fact that I always have to be right. He knows I'm right but can't admit it. His kids are a nightmare! I wish I was wrong... but they are. Things are tough just now- but I am staying strong!
Has he said why he wants to
Has he said why he wants to leave you? Is it because you are not doing exactly what he wants and you are making life difficult for him? Or that he feels he does not love you enough to stay?
I think for him the two
I think for him the two things are intertwined- he says he isn't happy because I don't want his kids to come to our home anymore, which is nonsense .I think he has dug a hole for himself by listening to OSD and turning me into an evil bitch when I have disengaged and have no way of dispelling these opinions to them, nor would I want to. He did admit that his relations with his kids has improved since the disengagement, which to me is a result.
He also can't deal with accepting that I may even be a little bit right on this, so he has to save face, which is why he thinks it is easier to walk away, when in fact that would be very difficult.
He hasn't told me that he still loves me, although he accepts that I still love him- I think he feels that I have stained the relationship with my difficult behaviour and that stain cannot be removed, which to him means he has to remove himself from the dirt rather than trying to minimise the impact.
There is also a degree of self-protection from me. If he decides to walk away it will create long term issues for both of us, but I am in a better position than he is in that I have a whole army of friends and family to support me, when all he has is his broken and damaged children. That is why we are doing the counselling, although I know it may end with sadness on my part I really have nothing to lose now.
Eugh I am sorry
I am sorry that he is so poorly behaved. And I am sorry he tried to ruin your mother’s day - I hope you had a nice time with your son all the same?
See how the counselling works out; it would be interesting to see how things develop from here but don’t let him hijack something that is an investment in you
Thank you- he didn't ruin my
Thank you- he didn't ruin my time with my son (who came to me a few weeks ago with his problems, so it was nice to get his support when I needed it- my kids are great!) and he hasn't succeeded in bringing me down, though I have been pretty close.Thanks to this site I have grown so much stronger than even I realised I could be. It is really him that needs the counselling-he put on a good show but the therapist is very good and bought none of it. I hope that he continues with it, though I have to say things between us are getting more tense and it is upsetting to my family and friends.
I'm so sorry, hon. {{{hugs}}}
I'm so sorry, hon. {{{hugs}}}
I hope he will continue to go to counselling with you and see the light!! Best wishes to you!
fairy, i am so sad to hear
fairy, i am so sad to hear this is happening. does your dh think threatening to leave will get you to accept his children?
i love your calling dh ostrich. i would call me dh earth worm because he has no spine at all when it comes to his skids.
marriage counselors are a mixed bag. some are very good at seeing the dynamics for what they really are, but some like to place the blame on both parties.
Hi SugarSpice!
It feels odd reading these posts now- in just over a month my life has changed far more than I thought I could cope with- but you know that army of family and friends came good and this morning I pick up the keys for my apartment and in two days I move in!! How would I have ever known that could happen?
My beloved home into which I poured so much care and attention has been sold and soon I may be able to buy a new place of my very own back home close to my family.
The Ostrich (now the X) and I communicate only through short and business-like e-mails. I feel that he had been preapring to leave far more than I anticipated, but in the end I took the control he thought I so badly needed and walked out. He still doesn't know where I am and I don't want him to. He hasn't loved me for a very long time but didn't have the guts to say so. His coldness and lack of empathy was monumental. His kids now have him back, even though I don't think they even wanted him that much. It won't be long before no 5 turns up, I'm sure, and he can screw her life up too.
The counselling wasn't a waste of time and money because it encapsulated for me how emotionally damaged that man is- he goes through the motions of being nice and polite but underneath there is no substance or depth- things would never have got better and so I am making a life for myself away from that toxicity.
I'm terrified right now, a little excited, but it is nine years since I was on my own and I have to re-learn everything- but I will. I will be fine. And him? Frankly, my dear...
I am so happy for you moving
I am so happy for you moving forward. It takes a brave person to do what you are doing; it is very terrifying. You will never regret this decision.
I booted DH to SD's for a few months. She was tired of him in a few days. They think they can be part of their children's lives without a partner, NOT. Kids move on with their lives and you are out of that mess. Good for you!
Sometimes, I want to ship my DH back to his kids, but they don't want to take care of him, now that he is disabled, so I do and I will always take care of him; he has nobody else.
Fairyo, It sounds like you
Fairyo, It sounds like you are on the way to bigger and better things. Sometimes when I've made any important life decisions, I think of what the alternative would of been and know the decision I made was for the better. You gotta do what is best for you, as it appears you most definitely have.
I cannot imagine how difficult it all was for you; but know the worst part is over and you will become a stronger person for it.
Life is a big adventure, so embrace all the good and take care of yourself. You are on your way to a much happier life.
I really hope so- the next
I really hope so- the next few weeks will be tough but I am sure I will make that transition with the help of my family and great friends.
Hi Sammi!
How is your DH? I hope that he is still recovering well in your care. I could see a future for the X where we would care for each other and be there together as we got older and less active. He chose not to share that future with me, and I really do feel that I have my youth back.
Today I got the keys for my new place- it is of course nothing like the lovely home I left, but as my sister and I cleaned it up I told her I was feeling better about it, at which she gave me a big hug and I cried. All my family know what he has done to me and want to kill him, or at least smack him in the teeth.
I was thinking of writing a final letter to him expressing my sadness at how it ended and hoping he would let me know how he was getting on, but I don't think I will now. When people ask about him I say he's probably going to live close to his daughter, because that is what he had wanted all along. I couldn't compete with her- I gave in and gave up.
Sometimes the paths we take just feel right even though we don't have any idea where they will lead. The next week or so is going to be very difficult as I adjust to my new life, but I have done it before and I will do it again.
I thank you for all the support and help you have offered Sammi- I guess as time goes on I won't be around here so much and that is, of course, a very good thing. Meanwhile, I still appreciate the kind words and encouragement I get here.