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Popstar's picture

I am really struggling with YSD who is all over DH like a rash again manipulating him every way she can. I haven’t seen her in ages as he usually meets her alone in a restaurant. It sounds awful but I have got used to not having her around for so long that I don’t want to see her at all now! However he has invited her over for Christmas and I am dreading it. 

She bosses DH around which winds me up, makes it obvious that she only wants to be with DH ( he can’t see this of course) and has never wanted to form any relationship with me despite my best efforts. I think she is more of a nightmare because DH has always had issues establishing healthy boundaries with her. He has let her run the show from an early age confiding in her and telling her our private business. 

It just feels like there are 3 people in this marriage now and I can’t cope anymore!! 

Winterglow's picture

Can you invite some of your family or friends to pad things out? Maybe having more people around might dilute her effect. 

tog redux's picture

Did he ask if you were okay with inviting her over for Christmas? Will it just be you 3?

ESMOD's picture

If you have relatives or friends you can invite over.. that would work.

Alternately.. find a restaurant in your area that is open for Christmas and invite her to meet with you both there... you can grin and bear it for a little bit while you have a meal. 

And... I think you need to think more deeply on how you want to disengage.  Disengageemnt isn't just not seeing someone.. not doing anything for them... not hearing about them (which you can't really control).  It's not CARING... it's not letting them "get" to you.. ignoring their clingy behavior... viewing it as pitiful vs malignant.. letting it roll off you like water off a duck.

This is an adult that doesn't live in your home.  She has very little impact on your day to day life.  There i no need to try to point out her flaws to your SO... he won't ever agree his child is horrid.  So, why waste your energy in that pursuit?  Take back your peace.. when he mentions her.. learn to be non-committal.. hmm.mmm?  Oh.. sounds nice.  Lovely.  Good for her.  whatever.. even if you don't agree.. just platitudes in a slightly disinterested tone with no questions to prolong that discussion.

When you have to see her.. like at Christmas... have your phone handy.. do some soduko puzzles.. be busy in the kitchen prepping the food.  Let her have her clingy visit.. and when she leaves... you and your DH can have  your own time together.  

It sounds like you have your own frustrations and regrets.. not having kids etc.. and while your DH may not have WANTED to have kids.. he DOES have them and it doesn't make him a hypocrite for wanting to love the ones he did make.. but it was your choice to remain with him when you knew he did not want more.  If he initially told you he WOULD have them then changed his mind?  again, your issue is still with HIM.. he decieved you.. the SD didn't create that situation.

If your relationship and experience with her is overly toxic and she has attacked you in the past etc.. I might make alternate plans with friends or family.. otherwise, set boundaries on the visit like length of time.. set a schedule up where you and he have to go see someone else in the afternoon for example.. so he can let her know she can come over for a few hours in the morning.. with breakfast.. but that you have to leave by 1pm or something?

And.. in the end... you have your partner.. he is in a relationship with you... showing affection to his child doesn't take anything away from that.  It doesn't mean that he loves you less to show his child affection when he sees her only occasionally.  She is not a romantic rival to you... and while you and/or she may have some posessiveness, the bottom line is that your relationships should be very different ones.. and there is really no need to compete.  And.. sometimes you can sit back and let your partner be the center of their child's attention because they get that chance rarely.. while you are a constant presence for them... 

Stepdrama2020's picture

As others said invite someone else to join . A vocal assertive friend or family member  ;)   You know the kind that calls it as she sees it. Then let the games begin  LOL

Loxy's picture

I think DH should have checked with you first before inviting her over, however that's something you will need to take up with DH. My question is, it's just one day right? I don't mean to dismiss your distress, however if I only had to see SD once a year I would be over the moon. I think inviting some family/friends over for you is the ticket to surviving the day. Be polite to SD but mostly ignore her - let her have her day monopolising DH, you get him the rest of the time. 

Rags's picture

or treat him disrespectfully."

It is entirely within your purview to set the boundaries for how you and your husband will be treated.  Correct as forcefully as necessary to keep DH's failed family cur in her kennel. 

If your DH does not have the brain capacity to recognize that his failed family cur is treating him disrespectfully and alienating him from his wife, and does not have the testicular fortitude to do something about it... by all means, end the problem as directly and brutally as necessary to be effective.

Good luck.