You are here

Step sons

foray542's picture
Forums: 

Hi I've been  with my partner  5 years  and living for 2 she has 2 teenagers  and I have a 20 year old  living with us but I'm coming to the end of the line especially with her eldest  while all teenagers  will try and get away with  doing chores around the house  this one does nothing, his life is the tv and that's it whenbi first moved in  silly  me thought  that everyone  would help everyone   do there bit 

I've come close to leaving  before as we've got a trunk load of baggage as a couple  but it feels  different  this time in that my partner wants me to teach him to drive and I've said if he pulls his weight around the house I'll consider it  but nothing   I mean nothing at all  I work a lot of hours  and so my time is precious  and I still do heaps around the house  so he needs to help to take the load off me but nothing  and I'm getting  pressured by my partner  to teach him  he's failed it 3 times badly  but want me to save costs to help him I've only just found out that she's being  paying for his lessons  WTF I feel backed into a corner  and if it wasn't for my son I'd be gone  I know he's an adult  but he likes living  here  sorry for the rant

How in the world do I get the SS  to buck up,  everything  has been  handed on a plate to him and its not in my nature to do it 

Any thoughts would be good thanks 

tog redux's picture

You can't make him do anything, she's done a fine job of making sure he knows he never has to do a thing he doesn't want to do.  I assume he's 17 or so, given that he's failed 3 tests already.

Find a place for you and your son to go. It's not your job to teach this lazy kid how to drive, and she isn't going to parent any more than she is right now.

twoviewpoints's picture

You have one adult 20yr old child. She has one adult 18yrold child (if not 19 by now since May) and one minor teenager 14/15.

If you want to save your relationship with skids mother, then hire a housekeeper. Your last post talked about working 75hrs a week. If after two years of living together the skids still are not pitching in and being productive members of the household, well, don't hold your breath for anything to change on that front now. 

If you've truly had enough, pack up your 20yr old and move (or if it's her house, she and hers can move out).

You could have tried the handing them the want ads along with the rentals in the newspaper and said they either become household helpful or out they go (to the 18 and 20 year olds)... but you know she isn't going to toss hers and you don't seem to mind yours still being at home. 

The adult children in this home should both not only be helping/doing chores, but also paying rent. 

foray542's picture

I've no problem  with them being  there if their  productive and help out and yes paying  rent would  be nice too but the 18 year has no goals in life  take take take from people  

I love my partner  but at times I'm just going to  burst  with anger over how things are panning out 

He can do no wrong in her eyes what's so ever and I guess we will probably  breakup  due to all the arguments  around  them but that's not how its supposed to be  their supposed to be  becoming  adults  and flying  away but mommy's boy I can't see it happening  

still learning's picture

So you expect her adult children to fly away while yours lives a cush life that daddy provides?  You're upset that she paid for his driving lessons, yet you don't want to help out. What exactly did you expect her to do?  I get that teenagers can be lazy PITA's! I have some under my roof as do many SM/BM's on this board. You're preaching to the choir on that issue. 

The glaring issue here is the double standard between your kid and hers.  It sounds like your 20 yr old son is perfect in your eyes and hers are perfect in hers. You're fighting over who's kid is the best and should be doing more instead of actually parenting and helping these kids be productive adults.  

Quit fighting about housework and who should do what. Act like adults, give ALL of the young men under your roof chores. Be a good example by helping your own son adult, until then you really don't have a leg to stand on.  

foray542's picture

No I'm not saying  I want any of them leave fly the nest whatever, what I am saying  is that he's after my time to help him but that takes my time away from  all the jobs I have to do  if I'm not working  part of the weekend  I'll be doing  stuff in the house  till 6-7 pm so all day and only stop because  it's eating  time  then its a argument to ask any of them to so the washing up  as there to busy 

Like my elder step son  I watched him all last weekend  and he did nothing  apart from  eat sleep and watch tv  all weekend   and done nothing to help his mum and I at all 

Yes my son didn't do much more but did some but he's not after my time with driving  lessons  

Maxwell09's picture

I’m not saying you aren’t valid for wanting him to show some initiative around the house to earn this BUT big picture here: teach him how to drive and he will most certainly be around the house LESS which is a win for you PLUS added bonus of your wife accepting you did this for her out of love bc he damn sure didn’t deserve it. 

Harry's picture

But buy him a new car, pay for the insurance, pay for his gas. And all the accidents he get into.  

Really ?.   Hire a housekeeper, take the load off of you, nothing with SS is going to change, SK disengage from him just hope he finds a GF and moves in with her.  Face facts, there nothing you can do.  This is the way your DW raised him 

Rags's picture

You lock down the internet, you take the power cord for the TV and he does not get access to anything even remotely enjoyable until he gets off of his ass and does his chare of chores.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

And, even if he does pass the drivers test, he does not drive any cars that you participate in paying for until he steps up.

That is how I would address it.

As for your SO, let her know that you will not reward the lazy crap from her son.

still learning's picture

great suggestion, as long as it applies to his own 20 yr old who is living at home as well.  

Rags's picture

Absolutely.  Rewards are performance based. As are consequences.  If one performs and the other doesn't, then the performer reeps the rewards and the non performer reeps the consequences.

It is simple and it works.