Sort of told my husband I am disengaging.
Yesterday afternoon husband told me he told SS that when he got home today he didn't have to do his homework right away but had to get it done this weekend. Bad idea just because SS will wait until the last min but whatever. I mentioned to him that I was disengaging now. He made sort of a face and I just explained how it isn't a mean thing but that for my own stress I am leaving any parenting stuff to him since I care, try to enforce and just end up frustrated since it never happens and isn't enforced or punished. I didn't go deep into it just said I was doing so to avoid the stress. I don't think I really intend to have a further conversation about it as it isn't needed. I already don't drive SS around or clean for him, although I end up cleaning up after him just because everything he touches is dirty after so him just being in the house at all causes more mess overall. But frankly he couldn't or wouldn't clean up after himself in that sense.
I also happen to like things very clean and never really expect anyone to be at my level. Husband knows this and takes care to clean up after himself but will mention to me "oh i cleaned this up but is there something more you want me to do?" and I just say no. One because it is easier for me to do it and two because husband fully supports me financially so I feel zero bitterness about cleaning up after him. It is how we balance things as I truly am happy with it. I would help with anythingI ask, I just don't need it that often.
I am sure Sunday will be a shit show. SS is supposed to do his homework, clean his bathroom, do his laundry and clean up his room. Really, besides the homework this woud take, I don't know, 30 mins total. It will take SS ALLLLL day. Last night he rinsed a plate, a single plate, and it took him the same amount of time it took me to hand scrub two pots and load the dishwasher. I mean, wtf are you doing there at the sink for 10 mins. Rinse and place in dishwasher. It takes seconds. One time he had to go to work in 2 hours and panicked saying he couldn't do his chores before he left because he didn't have time. All he had to do to prepare for work was put his work clothes on. How do you not have time to throw your laundry in (not like he is hand washing it). Who knows. He knows he has his cleaning and can do it any day of the week. He leaves it until the last min on Sunday. DH eventually told him he has to have it done before dinner on Sunday sine he was keeping us up making noise doing it late into the night on Sundays. I am sure between that and HW it'll be drama late Sunday. I used to tell DH to remind him to get on it, say mid day, but I won't be anymore.
Ok I am also mean but it's funny. SS keeps not waking up for school in time. I mentioned to DH to get him an actual alarm not a phone (since he always blames it on his phone). So we did and i set it for 6:30 which is about 10-20 mins before he usually wakes up. I told husband I did so and that the instructions for how to use it were sitting next to it. SS alarm has gone off for a full hour now. I knew it would go off today when he didn't have to be up but I also knew he wouldn't set the alarm to on come Monday so I just set it in advance. I hope that was annoying for him. I told husband I did this so if SS is pissed it's on him. He would just not set his phone alarm, I mean even though you don't even have to set it daily, just put the weekly alarm on and go.
It was kind of mean but I am finding pleasure hearing that thing go off.
First off, yes - disengage.
First off, yes - disengage. Call a friend and make plans for Sunday.
But I started reading your post, and from your description, thought that SS was 9. He's SIXTEEN? Why is your DH treating him like he's 9? At 16, he does his homework however he wants to do it (including NOT doing it), and he pays the consequences. He fails his classes, he goes to summer school, and he loses privileges in the home as a result. You are responsible for your own homework at 16, and if you don't do it and get poor grades, you lose things.
You don't do your laundry? You wear dirty clothes and you smell. You don't do your chores? Privileges lost.
I know you are going to say he treats him like he's 9 because he acts like he's 9, but honestly, it's the other way around - he acts 9 because DH treats him like he's 9. He needs to allow him the independence to do what he needs to do (or not do it and learn that inaction brings consequences).
As for you - not your monkey, not your circus.
He is forced to sit
He is forced to sit downstairs and do his homework now because he kept not turning stuff in or doing it. I support thing (minus him being downstairs) because that psycho is NOT delaying graduating on time. I want him out as soon as possible. I am already counting the months. No chance I am risking him being around one day more than he has to be. I also want his grades good so he can get enough scholorships to have room and board paid otherwise I see him living with us longer. NO NONO
OH and I have no friends nor is there anything to do here anyway. We moved to husbands small town. There are no classes, most people don't even have teeth. The only thing I can even do is go to Target. Literally zero to do here.
Sorry, but what you are
Sorry, but what you are insisting on will make him MORE dependent, not less dependent. He's not learning how to manage his own responsibilities if you and DH micromanage that for him.
The answer is to make clear that there are boundaries and long-term consequences for his choices, not forcing him to do things.
I do not disagree but a.) I
I do not disagree but a.) I don't enforce it, I let him just get in trouble and b.) like I said, the sooner he is out the better so whatever. I won't win that battle anyway so I just enjoy knowing it will get him the F away from me on time.
Plus DH only ever enforced anything for maybe a week max so he will be on his own soon enough I am sure.
I'm not suggesting he be on
I'm not suggesting he be on his own - just that he be allowed to have long-term consequences, rather than micromanaging.
Also - if he doesn't learn to be responsible in high school, he's not going to magically be capable of it after he graduates. He will do poorly in college or at jobs and need support. So graduation isn't the end game, it's independence that DH needs to focus on. DH can't follow him to college or work and micromanage him there.
I understand you see graduation as him getting out of the home, but I don't think that's realistic.
Good point. I think he should
Good point. I think he should just have consequences for his actions. At the beginning of the semester husband said if his grades were bad he would have to stop his school plays. Grades were bad and husband didn't follow through but instead did this. I think he just should have lost the play. I have zero control at this point though.
You can't do anything
You can't do anything if his bio father doesn't do anything either. Its not like step moms have more pull. When skids were small I spent a lot of time letting everyone, including SO, deal with the consenquences of not making the skids responsible.