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PorcelainSlide's picture
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Oh my gosh, I could not be in a better place. I am very seriously contemplating ending my marriage because of my stepson who is a violent criminal and whose biological parent, my spouse, won't or can't admit it. That isn't the dealbreaker because her relationship with her kid is not my business. What is the dealbreaker is that she expects me to live in denial along with her and sweep all of his disrespectful, aggressive, defiant words and actions under the rug because he is her baaaaaaaaaaaby. 
 

This stepson is currently facing possible jail time for criminal damage to property (not our home). He is lucky not to have been charged with many other illegal and violent behaviors he committed in the past. We bailed him out of jail, sent him to drug treatment (he is 18) and is now living in a halfway house. She is now making noise about him coming to live with us one day. I will never live under the same roof as this violent young man. He has physically attacked my spouse in the past and recently had two verbal altercations with me that were very ugly and upsetting. He will not follow rules or meet expectations of any kind. He refuses psychiatric medication. He is a train wreck and my wife thinks her parenting can save him.

The marriage has other issues too serious enough to end it. The issue here isn't even my crappy stepson but his mother and her refusal to respect my need to NOT live in chaos and drama. My only road to a peaceful life seems to be out.

thanks for listening and being here. 

 

 

Kes's picture

Sorry to hear about your SS, but you seem to have got your boundaries very firmly in place which is excellent, more than most of us had achieved when we first happily happened upon this site!    Like a lot of us, you have an aversion to chaos and drama, yet often we seem to get it thrust upon us.  I am now entering my 18th year of step parenthood, and have reached the mainly peaceful waters of post SKID intrusion into my life.  I have resisted about 5 attempts by my two SDs to come and live with us, and would never agree to it. 

 

beebeel's picture

You are wise to get out. I hope your stbex wife doesn't own any firearms when she invites this kid to live with her.

marblefawn's picture

The only thing I made my husband agree to before marriage was that SD would NEVER live with us. I made it clear from the start that I would not stay if he ever even suggested it, so it has not happened.

So my advice is to be clear now that SS will never live with you and make it about what's safe and good FOR HER and SS, not about you. When you make it about you, these guilty parents shut down and it becomes you vs. them.

So when you make it clear you won't live with him because it's not safe for her or SS, be sure to have some other remedies to suggest that will put her at ease. Maybe you could spot him some money just to set him up in his own place and to be repaid; maybe he could live with another relative; maybe he could get into school and live in school housing; maybe he could find a job that provides housing. Maybe you could even tell her you're willing to consider it when he proves he is changed, can keep a job, etc.

It won't be easy to convince her, but remind her that SS has already had issues with her that got him in trouble (attacking her). Maybe say, "Given your history with him, he'll have a better chance at success if he has his own place to retreat to when conflict erupts with you." I think this is a winner because it addresses HIS welfare and reminds her that she's been part of his problem (according to SS, at least) so why would she want to put him in another high conflict situation when he's just trying to make a go of things?

Make it all about WHAT'S GOOD FOR SS.

 

Harry's picture

Jail maybe the place for him.  Why waste your money on this kid.  You know it’s only a short time where he is going to get into trouble where he going to do jail time.  Lawyers can bankrupt you. Trying to keep this kid put of jail.,

Miss T's picture

Insist that your money not be wasted on this wastrel.

 

+1 on the wonderfulness of this forum. I found it some years back when I was just about at the end of my rope with DH and SS. It's invaluable as a place to vent, to explore ideas about how to deal with various issues, and to get solid  advice from veterans who've done exactly that.

Rags's picture

Dirt bags are a write off. Write him off.  Do a balance sheet for your DW outlining the math around how much of a waste of skin and resources her toxic spawn is.

Next time, leave him in jail and testify against him when his case is called for prosecution.

If I pulled this kind of crap, my parents would have been the first ones in line to put my ass in jail.

I am sorry that your marriage is on the slope to demise. However, moving on is the obvious decision based on what  you have shared.

Take care of  you.