So Frustrated All the Time
I don't want to disengage, and when I see something I feel like I have to say something. I don't tolerate lack of manners or children being rude to adults. Never have, not even when I was a kid.
But it honestly hurts me so much that I can literally see my three SDs' disdain for me. We had them this weekend, and the oldest invited a friend to come stay the night. The friend left at 10:00 this morning. The SD spent the rest of the morning in her room. Then came out around 2:00 pm to ask to go back to BM's house. BM doesn't allow friends over. So now I literally feel that my home and hospitality were used for her wishes, and I didn't even get a 'thank you' from SD1.
Maybe I am being ridiculous. Maybe I'm overreacting. But stuff like this has happened more than once and I get scolded when I try to help raise these girls to be the people I would expect of my own kids if I could have any.
Girls'ages?
How old are the girls?
Girl’s Ages
They are so spread out. 12, 8, and 4. I've been in their life for three years now.
SD's reaction
I am assuming the 12-year old had the sleepover. I am not defending her, just suggesting that she thought it was no big deal. Perhaps she has stayed at the friend's house herself. She doesn't realize the extra work involved in having a guest, much less the 3 SDs themselves. I don't know what other behavior has angered you, obviously this is not an isolated incident or attitude or you wouldn't be here. But this seems typical, i don't think at 12 I ever realized the burden my houseguests put on my mom.
I agree with the above, I
I agree with the above, I think most kids probably see having a friend sleep over as no big deal, and they usually don't think outside of what they are doing to consider effort or hospitality parents may be putting toward it. But I do understand the "feeling used", i am just not sure if we would feel that way if we were the actual parent vs the step - and if I did feel that way with my own child, I could use it as a teaching/parenting moment. I was never able to do that with my skids, it just created conflict. Around 12/13 is when the pull toward BM's really started with my SD, and she would do like yours did - we would let her have someone over, but when the friend left she would often want to go to BM's right away. I often felt like she was just here for whatever benefitted her, and if it didn't, she couldn't be bothered. She got less and less interested in spending any time with "us" unless there was something in it for her. Again, probably typical teen/preteen, and probably easier to overlook with your own kids. But with our own kids, we have the opportunity to teach them our expectations about respect, courtesy, etc. I had to let go of trying to help "raise" my skids, because in my case I really had little influence in that. I had to coach myself into if something did not directly impact me, for the good of my relationship with DH and my own sanity, I had to disengage. I am still working on that, and his kids don't even live with us anymore (SS is almost 21 and SD17 moved to her mother's full time last year). If SDs have friends over and they aren't causing any problems and are content, I would count that as a win and not expect too much outside of that, just to save your own peace of mind. I would also guess there is more to the story leading to your frustration, but you have to take the positives where you can!
Thank You
It sounds like your SD pulling away is what's happening with mine. It hurts because we used to be pretty close. Now she doesn't want me even to help with her school work, only her BM.
I appreciate the advise to take wins where I can get them. Did you ever cut off the friends coming over with your SD? If she doesn't want to spend time with me, fine, but her dad really misses spending time with her.
My SD was 7 when we met, and
My SD was 7 when we met, and we were close the first few years as well. Younger kids seem like their hearts are open, and then as they get older they start feeling conflicted. Plus, in the beginning it seemed like BM supported me having a good relationship with the kids, but as time went on and we started establishing how we were going to run our own household, it felt like things changed to where BM was trying to establish her house as better. For example, if we said no to SD having a friend stay over, BM would pick her up on DH's time and let her have a slumber party with 3 girls. If SD was unhappy about something, BM would often "come to the rescue", which was very effective in undermining our household and DH's relationship with his daughter. It is hard to stand up to that.
Regarding letting friends stay over, we never cut it off, but we did limit it. So SD got to where she would stay at her mom's more, or stay at friends' houses instead of here. Ironically, the night things started blowing up last year she was supposed to have a friend sleeping over. They went to a party, and were 15 at the time so DH was to pick them up. They were both falling down drunk when he got there, so friend had to go home. That was a wake up call to DH that there needed to start being consequences and he needed to start paying attention to when and where she went. He was ready to enforce a grounding, but in swooped BM and SD has not stayed here since. We have only seen her a handful of times, and she goes between talking to DH and not. She is currently freezing him out for unknown reasons.
So, that's why I say look for the wins, and maybe do a little disengaging. It is so hard because I think a lot of us came to our marriages hoping for a great relationship with our stepkids and being able to be an influence on their lives. I have been on both sides, stepdaughter and stepmother, and all I can say is, it's complicated and that's nobody's fault. It's the reality of "stepping" into a wife's role, but the role of mother has already been filled. So many complex and conflicting emotions come from that. I am not particularly close to my stepmother (she legit is a little unstable), but now that I am older and living through it myself, I can see that she really does love me and tried her best. I hope my own SD can see that about me some day.
I will say this site has been a lifesaver, I have read so many stories that are similar to mine. It has really helped to know I am not alone, and there are a lot of wise people with great advice. Hang in there!
Age span
It must be quite difficult handling thst age span with the girls, 4, 8 & 12. How do you manage?
I Hear That A Lot
I get asked that a lot by people around me. When we first all moved in together and we had the girls all the time, it wasn't a big deal. I felt like we were a team then, and the girls were thriving. I can't have kids, so I was more than happy to be a step-parent and to help with the girls.
BM has become part of their life more recently and has caused some drama that I'm not in the right forum to even START talking about. I think that's why I can feel it all slipping away and it hurts so bad. I don't think those girls will ever understand how much I care about them.
You are a good person
You sound like a good person who wants to be a good step mom. I'd say, just ride the wave, keep trying to do your best, and realize SD12 is entering puberty. Don't worry, you'll see it 2 more times!
Honestly, this is not an
Honestly, this is not an unusual scenario here, for BM to start influencing the kids against a stepmother when they get older. (And you can talk about BM issues anywhere on the site, most of us have them!)
IMO, it doesn't work for stepmothers to come in and try to be a second parent in the home to kids - they may accept it when they are younger, but as they get older, they will not generally accept it, especially if their mother is trying to turn them against you.
So if you don't want to disengage, you have to expect the disdain you are getting. If you don't want the disdain, you may have to disengage.
And by the way, disengaging doesn't mean you can't say something when they are rude, especially if it's to you - it just means you are no longer trying to "raise them".
12 is a good age to start
12 is a good age to start teaching hostess skills. Do not become their maid. If she wants friends over than she helps with preparations and clean up after it's over. If she does a good job then she gets to do it again , if not she needs to prove herself more responsible before you try it again. Her mom might be a BM but that doesn't mean you can't teach them. Just be a little more covert with it. Your house standards need to be kept, don't let BM change your routine and structure. You are also heading into the major drama years so look at this as a long game you might not ever win. What you want is to have skids that launch. That will not want to move in with you permanently. Making them too comfortable and coddling them and giving over your power to them and/or BM is a recipe for disaster. You be you and give them another example of how a lady can live.
Good idea
That's a good idea about the hostess skills.
If I were 12-ish and saw
If I were 12-ish and saw there were things I could do at my dad's that I couldn't do at my mom's, well I'm no dummy. I'd be taking advantage of that situation too.
It's just like my ss15 isn't allowed to have Magic cards at his mom's. So he LOVES to come over here where he gets to have them. Sd13 gets her bad behavior called out all the time over here, so she's typically ready to go when time's up. So it goes both ways.
I think all that needs to happen is a little chat with her dad about wanting to spend time with her too, and what all goes into having friends over. Kids are kind of selfish creatures by nature. They have to be taught consideration for others. The hostess skills idea is a really good one. Not only that, it's something the two of you can do together--make it a fun thing. Prepare some cute snacks or an activity, etc.