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Should I try disengaging?

Malloy's picture
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My SO and I have been together 5 years. I met him after the divorce, and his ex is NOT an easy woman, so their relationship is not functional at all. She's also manipulative and toxic to her kids. He is constantly trying to make everyone happy, which just leaves us each feeling let down in one way or another. I keep saying we need simple rules, and consistency in the house. Especially since now we have a LO of our own. The girls, 14 and 10, don't resent the baby at all. Well, the 14 year old resents everything, especially me, and is ok with the baby. The 10 year old and I are actually quite close, since she can't talk to her mom about anything, and her relationship with her older sister is strained due to 14yo being VERY much her mother's daughter. 

SO 14 and I had a blow up the other night, because she bodied up on me in the kitchen, so I had to use forceful words to take space, as I would never shove her. My forceful words however were berating her bad behavior toward her father and sister that had been relayed to me by 10yo, and not addressed by dad at all. He has a mega blind spot when it comes to 14yo. The cycle is this: 10yo tells me everything and thinks her dad does nothing about stuff, I carry her emotional burden, and see him doing better but no enough. Then inevitably there is a blow up, and when that happens the 10yo wants to diffuse it, and attempts that by taking her sisters side against me. I would never do this, but somet times I just want to scream that she tells me everything, then gets mad when I do something, and turns on me so just STOP. I would never, because she needs SOMEONE to talk to. I think? So then I'm in a two on one situation, and SO comes in, and his mode to deal with things is to try and level the playing field, which means effectively cutting me down in front of them, so we're all equal... so then it's three on one. 

I've done a good job distancing from the 14yo for the most part, because she so negative it's toxic. So I keep it light, and try to have SO enforce chores and things. But with 10yo using me as her outlet, I'm carrying A LOT. Do I need to just disengage? What does that even look like, how do you disengage with half your household?? She needs SOMEONE, so how can I do that to her? 

He and I are going to trying and have a real talk today, because of course we got in a huge fight after the kids blow up, where in he was screaming at me for being upset with him. This isn't an all the time occurrence, but it's definitely a cycle, and it's NOT sustainable. 

Winterglow's picture

Here cuts you down in front of them? IOW, he treats you like a child too?! How DARE he? He needs to affirm your place as his wife and their place as children. Things need to be clear and all he is doing is blurring the lines. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

"SD, you need to go tell your father about this. I don't have time to listen right now."

"SD, here is a journal. Write out your feelings here."

"SD, you need to sort it out with your sister."

You don't have to be SD's outlet. She can go to her dad or mom. She can hash it out with her sister. She can journal/draw/sing out her feelings. Learning that it's okay to just "dump and run" on someone is not healthy. It's healthier for her if you tell her to talk to the folks who can actually handle it or to self-soothe.

Regarding your DH:

"I am not a child. If you don't want me to have an opinion about how your kids behave, then make sure they behave in such a way where they aren't disagreeable. Your daughter squaring up to me is inappropriate. You tearing me down for defending myself when you were unavailable is unacceptable. Do it again and you can find somewhere else to host your visits with the kids. YOU are failing as a parent if your 14 year old thinks it's okay to be physically imposing on your wife and your 10 year old feels you can't be trusted to talk to because you won't believe her. Do better because you're failing all of us."

Malloy's picture

So the post was getting really long, and I was trying to keep it brief. I love all those suggestions for help SD10, and I have done, and do all those things. Trying to give her tools to use, and she does use them to some extent. We also got them their own therapists so they have a neutral space that is truly their own, because it's a lot for me to be constantly trying to give her tools to navigate things that happen when she's at the other house. It's also hard, because their mom weaponizes love against her, and seems to punish her for being close to me.

So for my SO, he is an amazing father in so many ways, and his compassion and not quickness to punish is good. BUT I've explained that being a compassionate parent only works if you make it clear when a line is crossed. It can't be compassion ALL the time. SD10 does talk to him too, we just spend a lot more time together due to school and 14's dance schedule. 

I LOVE this perspective you guys give of not leveling us all, because we shouldn't be on the same level. I tried to talk about that with him a bit but was having a hard time articulating it, so you guys have given me some really good stuff to work with! He also is looking for his own therapist because a lot of his appeasing behaviors come from years of abuse he had to endure from the EX that he's finally more willing to work on. This is a lot ya'll, thank you so much for you responses!