SD19 Decided she wants no relationship with me.
SD19 (now) I've had since she was in 2nd grade. We have a blended family DH has his two (SS21 & SD19) and I have my one (DD17) who still lives at home.
Over the first 9 years of our relationship, we did our best in focusing on the kids and not on each other. It came to the point that I chose seperation as a way to free myself from the daily bullshit in order to find happiness in myself again and work on my marraige. 9 months living apart and lots of marraige counseling - we are back on living together and moving forward. Today we are a year passed moving back in together and we couldn't be stronger!
I digress....when I announced I was seperating, my SS was already out of the house, married and in the military living his own life. I got no weird vibes from him. Still communcated back and forth - no issues. My SD of course cut me out of her life entirely including my daughter the minute I said I was moving out. We made it very clear that we very much wanted to repair our marraige in hopes of living togteher again...but she wasn't hearing it. She said she doesn't want anything to do with me and wouldn't explain why. She is emotionally unavailable 99% of the time so I figured it was a defense mechanism. Hurt you before you hurt me, cut you out before I miss you from being gone. I finally came o the point that my struggle to connect with her over the last 9 years was over...and honestly I was relieved.
When we moved back in together she was still living at home. She was standoffish, rude and snarky every chance she got. Until one day I blew up and said You know what? If this is ever going to be right between us we need to talk! Her repsonse was to literally turn on her heal, pack her immediate belongings and move out permanently to her Moms house. I looked at her Dad and I'm like, AIBU?
Fast forward now almost a year...we bought a house and DH kept referring to the back room as SD's room and I said, no that's the guest room and my office. She isn't welcome to come back and live here unless she wants to hash this out, I'm not walking on eggshells in my own damn house and putting up with her drama. My husband 100% agrees with me now, after several instances where he witnessed her being a raging B word to others and me. She still barely acknowledges me but when I do speak, text or whatever I keep it general, no feelings and she responds in kind. Is there any hope to fixing this? I just dont' get it....the only thing she has ever sited as her reasoning is that I treated HER differntly than SS and DD....um what?
You created your boundary
You created your boundary with her, however genuine she may be I don't think you should allow it back in your life. You went through hell and are not obligated to have a relationship with her. Sure be cordial if she greets you but her living in YOUR home would not be an option, ever!
Your H can have a relationship with her and wish them the best but to invite that negativity back in your life would be asking for more misery. Look how happy and relieved you have been without her....why give up that peace of mind....
Your real fault
Was doing so much for her. That why people here keep saying you will never be appropriate for what you do. BM becomes the hero now, You wasted your time and money on the SK. Learn now. So not let her back into your home.
I was...and do you know why?
....because I grew up wiht a SM who treated me like shit. She was jealous of me and was abusive. Her kids with my Dad were always first. No matter what. I NEVER wanted my kids to feel that way bio or not.
So I did all the things that a Bio Mom could that I was allowed to do anyway. I SHOWED UP, EVERYTIME for them. Shuttle, cook, clean, shop for, plan parties, school events etc.... what do I get for it? Not a damn thing. Neither of my SK's really give a shit about what I did for them.
Was your mom absent?
Was your mom absent?
yes!
yes!
Of course she doesn't like
Of course she doesn't like you, she's jealous and doesn't understand why. For years Daddy put her and SS first, then you moved out and changed the rules, or more daddy changed the rules. He decided he wanted a big person relationship with his wife and all the benefits of this relationship over his mini wife (whom he groomed to be that way).
Try explaining that to a person who has been raised their whole life that they are first in their parents life, that their wants and needs get satisfied above all else. She can't understand or comprehend it because she was raised thinking that was normal. Now all she knows is daddy betrayed her because she's not getting all her wants and whims satisfied.
This is why it's GROSS to tell your child they are your whole world, you love them most, they are the most important. It teaches them a sick twisted version of a parent child relationship and it destroys them when they grow up and suddenly daddy or mommy isn't their to satisfy their every need.
Maybe this is about a
Maybe this is about a territorial mini wife who was happy to get Daaddee all to herself when you left, and not so happy when you resumed the position of Alpha Female?
Kids can be absolute buttheads between 18-22. Their brains aren't fully developed, they lack self awareness yet think they know everything, and they get drunk on the power of being an Uuhduhlt.
I think I'd remain disengaged and as neutral as possible. See what changes the next few years bring. Ideally, this girl will get some counselling and find out what's really eating her, but that's up to her.
For now, you hold the high ground. Learn about Karpman's Drama Triangle, and be careful to position yourself as Victim, not Persecutor. Don't speak ill of her to anyone, ever (unless it's here on Step Talk). Instead, position yourself sympathetically - It breaks your heart that SD is choosing this behavior, you hope she works through her issues and returns to the family, you miss her, etc.
Making the SM the scapegoat is very common, as is a skid trying to turn other family against you and a partner backsliding. So hang in there, and hopefully this girl will one day grow up and pull her head out.
Change
You separated to gain a change. It changed everything.
This is not anything abnormal. DH and I also separated 7 years ago, put it back together, and are doing well. SD had a meltdown and will have to get over it. Seven years and she is still mad.
Oh well she will be mad or get over it. They are adults. Continue to move forward without the toxic effect.
Good Luck.
SO TRUE
When we moved back in....she immediately complained my DD was "using all of her bathroom stuff" which honest to God she wasn't at all. She wanted us to feel uncomfortable coming back. We invaded her domain...nah you self righteous B. It's been mine and it remains mine because I'm the adult. I'm Dad's Wife. I pay these bills you don't! We are playing by new rules where you don't get to act this way!
Good for you!
Good for you!
It isn't easy. You regained a new beginning, not her business. She can suck it up.
Whatever you do, let it be her problem, don't let it interfere.
Hugs
My husbands sd’s guilted him for marrying me.
They ceased contact with him about 1.5 yrs after hubvy married me and a few months before we met.
hubby was heartbroken but he knew life had to go on that he couldn’t halt his life for his kids being a bunch of self-centred arseholes.
we got married, exwife found out and slandered hubby and me, claiming hubby was no longer in their religion and married a caucasian christian whore and other nonsense.
About 3.5yrs into our marriage and eldest sd re-initiated contact with hubby and said how she wanted to have a relationship with daddy and didn’t want to cause trouble in our marriage that she knew hubby moved on and had 2 new kids except she and her younger sister did alot to cause issues in our marriage and toss me and my kids with hubby to the side. Sd’s expected they could snd contact with hubby for several yrs, tell hubby to get over it (which they did), never apologized for their behaviour and blame dad for marrying me and abandoning them. They abandoned hubby, ceased all contact and hubby had no way of telling them he was marrying me but he saw marrying me as a new chapter of his life...
when you have been raised by a hcgubm narcissist that makes you believe you are and should be the centre of your dads world, you don’t have any shame demanding ridiculous crap from your dad making it like you are far more important than minor siblings who rely on their dad when you should have launched and be self sufficient or working towards that. Add to that mini wife syndrome and you just need to remove you and your kids from this crazy life.
we bought a home and moved in a few weeks ago, its skid free. I am not being disrespected anymore, treated like dogshit by skids or have my boundaries and privacy invaded
After 9 years of trying, you
After 9 years of trying, you don't owe SD anything. As I am learning to navigate myself, some of the things I have learned and have to learn to accept are. Your SK will never love you or think of you as they do thier own parents. So we do not have to feel guilty about not loving them the same way as we do our own children. Also, SK have a mother who does things with them. I am my sons only mother so I have no reason to feel guilty about doing things for him and not them. I am not responsible for the type of adults they become.