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SD 22 disengagement

t_bell40's picture
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So, Ive been disengaging for about a mth now. SD22 last night must have gotten hungry smelling what I was cooking. (BBQ pork steak) I get a phone call from my girlfriend asking "Can SD have some of what you are cooking ?? God I hate this bull shit.) So, now I am thinking you little bitch, you had to go and call Mommy and say Tim won't let me have anything. I text her, "you can cut that piece in half for your mom and take one potato." She came out of her bedroom and said "thanks" and then I said ya, then she starts cutting the piece of pork steak while it is in a non-stick pan. I said hey, "don't use anything metal in those pans , you'll ruin it." She then put it on a cutting board and cut it. I said "didn't you just buy that pan for you mom ?" She said ya. I said it would be a shame to ruin it."
Fast forward to today. I text sd22 asking if she can get a chicken out of the freezer for tonights meal. My girlfriend has started a mail delivery job with the usps and works from 6am to 7pm most days , so, I have been making her dinner every night for the past 2mths. And yes, it's getting old. But, back to spoiled brat, I never got a text back. "I'm not home, or did it, or what's a chicken look like " nothing. So, same old same old. God and this is tough to say, but, I just can't stand that little bitch. UUUGGGGHHHHHH !!!!

Aniki-Moderator's picture

If you don't want to cook for SD, then you cannot expect her to do you favors like getting out a chicken for a dinner she will not be having. She is 22. She can make her own food.

Let your gf know that what you cook is for YOU and for HER. You are not making food for SD. If your gf wants to share her portion with SD, that's on her.

Stepped in what momma's picture

I'm with Aniki, you can't have your chicken and eat it too, lol, you can't ask for favors when you aren't handing out any yourself.

Next time your wife calls for food on the behalf of her grown child in the same house you are in I would tell her to send the person that has the question to you to ask themselves. Who the hell calls their momma to ask for food that someone in the same house is cooking?! A chicken shi* is who.

StepMat789's picture

It makes it tough when they live with you. The mom in me would say cook enough so she can eat too, if she doesn't....you have leftovers. But, disengage from the rest of it. I wouldn't ask her to do anything for you and I wouldn't do anything for her. At 22, I would hoping they would MOVE OUT.

secret's picture

You CAN disengage without completely excluding SD.

You're already cooking... what's the big deal to cook 3 portions instead of 2? It doesn't really add any extra work for you. Especially if you're cooking BECAUSE your gf isn't around to... but to punish your gf by making her have half the food you made for her... it's just going to cause issues, if it hasn't already... and based on the text you got from your gf, it's already starting to.

Disengaging shouldn't be about completely ignoring the steps... it should really be about not doing any parental duties, letting the parent do them. What you're doing isn't a parental responsibility. It's a household responsibility. You're making dinner for you and your gf, to make life easier on your GF. Refusing to add a 3rd portion, essentially forcing your gf to either give up half hers and/or cook for SD is kind of counter intuitive to what you're trying to do.

What you're doing is making your distaste for your SD crystal clear, to both of them. That's not the point of disengaging.

If I was you, I'd re-think exclusion and re-calibrate disengagement towards something a little less... in your face.... maybe have a conversation with your gf in that you feel like SD is old enough to take care of herself, and that maybe SD should also pitch in with household responsibilities - like cooking - because it's important that she learn how to fend for herself isntead of remaining dependant on adults when she is one herself.

queensway's picture

This is how I see it. If you are already cooking helping out your GF because she is working why not cook for everyone. What's the big deal. I find it strange. And to complain that someone who lives in the same house wants to eat food that you are cooking is petty. She can't cook the same time you are. And you are sending the wrong message to her and her mother. Maybe you should not cook for anyone since this bothers you. Go get a carry-out for just yourself.

momjeans's picture

Is this 22 year old contributing to the food bill?

It sounds as though she’s going to leave it up to the element of surprise, if the chicken was taken out of the freezer or not. Fun.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

The food bill and 1/3 of the utilities/rent...

What if OP's funds are limited? What if all OP can afford is enough for 2 people? It CAN be a big deal to ask him to prepare additional food if he cannot afford it. Plenty of folks go through tight financial times. I'm in one now. I can afford to have a drink with friends by giving up something else (fruit, veggies, a serving of meat...).

To me, the bare facts are:

* 22yo living at home
* 22yo texting mooooooommy instead of adulting and speaking to OP
* gf catering to 22yo ADULT instead of telling 22yo she can fix her own food

If the 22yo wants some of OP's yummy food, perhaps she can a) ask OP to teach her how to prepare it so she can make it herself, b) contribute to the food bill, c) be an equal contributor to cooking.

It's a bit of a catch-22. OP honestly cannot expect SD to do anything for him (take out a chicken) if he is not going to reciprocate.

queensway's picture

This guy is the boyfriend not the step father. He is cooking in her mothers kitchen. Which is a very nice thing to do. His BIO says he is a great guy. But if he can't afford to cook for everyone he should not cook at all. This 22 year old still lives there. When I cook in my kitchen I cook for everyone who lives in the house. But this could be because I love to cook. But I DO understand what you are saying about the 22 year old asking him. Maybe she was afraid to ask him. After all he thinks she is "B". Sorry that things are tight right now for you.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Yes, OP is the BF and yes, he's cooking in the mother's kitchen. But it sounds like they live together so it is his kitchen, too (and SD's).

Even if he can afford to cook for everyone, what if the initial plan was to cook a meal for 2? And what if it's a meal that isn't really stretchable except for the addition of sides (veggies, rolls, etc.)?

OP thinks SD is a 'B'. Maybe SD thinks OP is a 'B'. That's an unknown.

One thing... SD is a 22yo adult. Regardless of how she feels about the OP, she is an adult. She has only begun to encounter people she doesn't like. In a job, she won't be able to call mom to talk to a disliked coworker. Home is a good place to start practicing how to deal with people you don't like. You don't have to like someone to be polite.

P.S.
Thank you. It is what it is. Medical expenses are outrageous!!

Focused_onourlife's picture

You don't have to cook her shit at 22! And then to ignore your text and not do it. And she probably wonders why you don't cook for her. These grown entitled, rude, disrespectful kidults make me sick.

momjeans's picture

Or, if your GF wants precious to have dinner available to her during the week, I’d recommend GF gets in the kitchen and does a weeks worth of meal prep.

witch.hazel's picture

I wouldn't have a problem making enough for everyone in the house. I'd have a problem with the grown A*s woman asking her mom to text you to see if you'll let her have any. I'd text back, no, if she can't get off her butt and ask me herself.

The evil smom part of me likes that you would have her take half of her mom's food, but that will create resentment between you and your wife if it starts happening all the time- she comes home for dinner after a long day of work and there's just a little bit. But it would be hard not to resist the temptation to just play dumb. "I made enough for everyone, SD took her part after me, and there was more than enough for two people left....guess she took more than I thought she would."

She should be helping with the cost of food, and if not, doing everyone's dishes.

Cover1W's picture

1) I would not cook for anyone over 18 in the house unless there's a reciprocity; i.e. they cook sometimes OR set table/cleanup/prep. AND I didn't mind doing it. Heck, I don't even cook for my SDs when we're the only ones home sometimes - they don't want what I'm making then they have plenty they can make themselves. Everyone is ok with this.

2) If the SD, 22!, can't ask if there's any food directly to the cook then that's not even a food/cooking issue...

3) ...that leads back to mom. Seems that mom is supporting her DD by expecting boyfriend to cook for a grown woman and support that grown woman's lack of communication and household support by undermining him.

marblefawn's picture

You can't win and neither can GF or SD. No matter what any of you do, it's bad. Look at the responses here: some say you're petty for not sharing; some say you're a chump cooking for a 22-year-old who refuses to even speak to you; some say GF is enabling for playing the go between...and all these responses are as right as they are wrong!

Even if you all did the "right" thing, whatever that is, someone would be slighted or feel used or neglected because two of three of you don't get along. You can't really make a right or wrong call because the real problem is three people who would never live together under any other circumstance are now living in this unnatural awkward situation. And until SD goes (and even after she goes), it will still be unnatural and awkward, but at least you won't be stuck there trying to get along WHEN YOU DON'T. I mean, god, she really called her mom at work to ask you to give her food? That is so...so...what the hell is that???

I hate cooking so I wouldn't share all that labor with I don't love. But isn't it awkward when you two are sitting there eating steak and SD rolls past with a box of cereal? At the same time, if you invited her, would SD come out, eat the food you bought and cooked, then stand up and roll out without washing a dish, cutting a cucumber or chipping in food money? You KNOW she would do that because washing a dish would NEVER occur to these ungrateful gnats. See what I mean? I don't see how any of you can win this.

So, the obvious answer is...SD needs to go. Hey, why don't you make a big meal with all her favorite foods and you can all sit down and then you can throw the agenda item out on the platter: when do you plan to find your own place or start paying rent?
A solution could be that you do strictly a renter/landlord thing: she gets use of kitchen, not your food, she cleans up after herself and rent is due first of the month; otherwise pay the late penalty. I think that's fair.

queensway's picture

Oh yeah that will solve everything.SD needs to go. It is her house with her mother. Not the boyfriends house. If this 22 year old is going to go it is up to the mother to make that call. All because she asked her mom if she could have some food that boyfriend was cooking. LOL

Focused_onourlife's picture

I can see your point if her Mom was home but she wants the Bf to know she wants nothing to do with him and doesn't want to speak to him. "Hey Mom Bf didn't cook for me so kick his ass out". She obviously don't respect him or her Mom's relationship therefore she doesn't want Mom to be happy. Mom needs to make a choice or set some boundaries with both of them.

marblefawn's picture

BF should move out. Why stay where he's not respected? Maybe if BF threatens to go if SD doesn't, his SO will get her act together. The living situation sounds so awful, I'm not sure why BF isn't packing right now!

t_bell40's picture

Thanks for the fervent discussion. I do not live with my girlfriend. I have my own home I am buying. We are , someday, in the process of moving in together under one roof. NO KIDS !! Neither hers nor mine. Right now I have a 30yr old daughter living with me who is battling addiction. So is my son 27yrs battling addiction, and he lives on his own.
Disengaging from my GF's DD (guessing that means "dumb daughter") is a consequence of her screaming in my ear in an Adderall infused rage. I told my GF Ive had enough of the disrespect and will not be talking to including saying "Hi" or doing anything for DD. Meaning not helping with car, giving her money, or making her dinner , which I have many many times for my GF her Mom and her spoiled brat daughter.
Analyzing, as is my job as a maintenance technician, the problem started with mom DIGNIFYING the phone call she got from DD with a response. She should have told her "Hell no I'm not calling Tim and telling him to give you some of what he's cooking, you ask him politely and STOP calling me at work, I'm toooo busy for that !!!!!"
The next problem came when I granted my GF wish and told DD she can have 1/2 her mom's pork steak. What I shoulda coulda woulda done is say "You called your mom? You little piece of s_____, had you asked me like an adult you could have had that and more, now, you get nothing !!! "
I am sitting here as I have so many times over the past 8yrs and am asking myself , is this worth it ??? Do I really want to continue on a path that will always lead to disaster ???
Oh, and as a side bar, I am now visiting GF mom at the nursing home one day a week as my GF's job delivering pkgs for the usps right now has got her working 12hr days 7 days a week. I know, your saying "He's looking for a "MY what a good boy am I" "
No, just looking at what some of you post , tells me you don't read very well. Others of you do read well and have some really good thoughts. Thanks
ps. I'm going to have a sit down talk with my GF counsellor who she seen for years. I'm going to ask him what he thinks of my staying in this relationship. He knows her and her DD better than anyone !!!!!