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Is is right to disengage if Skids are adopted and BM is not involved?

SourGrape2122's picture

DH and I have been married 2 years. I have BS age 12 and he has two DD that are 8 and 6, that he adopted at birth from a kinship foster situation. He was single at the time and they have never had a mother in their lives, though they do know who their birth mothers are, however they have no contact with them. They were 4 and 6 when we started dating ....and they are the Skids from HELL.  I have spent a few days reading through these forums and any similar thing you might have also read of unspeakable, unpleasant, unimaginable things they could do to try and destroy me, my efforts to love them, and my relationship with their father they do in excess...times two.  They manipulate, lie, whine, weasel their way into any minute of alone time. They disrespect me, treat me as a maid, refuse to mind me, openly call me their "fake mom"...I could go on and on about their antics.  But the bottom line is...I am on my 2nd round of disengagement.  The first time I tried this my DH became very upset with me. He truly thinks he is backing me up but he is not consistent at all and as hard as he tries to encourage a relationship beteeen these girls and I, the more they resist.  Especially the 8 year old.  She absolutely loathes me and I cannot stand her.  After I first tried disengaging things did get a little  better for a while but we are quickly back around to the same thing.  I am angry and bitter and all my DH and do is fight all the time about these kids and their behavior and treatment of me, to the point even though I love him I want to leave him because of these kids.   So I am back at it again. I do nothing for them. I don't go out of my way for them. I don't even speak to them unless they speak to me. I don't try and enforce house rules anymore... I leave it all to him.  Why does it feel so freeing and so wrong at the same time ? Am I doing it wrong ? 

Rags's picture

Toxic kids are toxic kids. How they were sourced does not matter. If disengaging is your choice, whether they are adopted or not is irrelevant.

Disengaging seems to be working for you, stick with it if it is working.  

You may want to try webcams to document the 8yo's behavioral crap.  Reviewing the footage of her crap with daddy every evening may give him some useful clarity.

Good luck.

shamds's picture

you’ll read plenty of blogs and posts here of others being treated the same.

heck my ss was 17.5 and told hubby it was my job to clean after his lazy arse because i was a housewife. I had just given birth to our daughter barely 5 weeks prior.

the hypocrisy is his own uneducated asian mum didn’t do chores ever, bragged how she was sophisticated when she was so far from it but somehow the educated caucasian stepmum has been renegaded to what ss views as the bitch maid... eff off is all i can say!!

hubby made it clear to ss that day that i was no ones maid and it was not my job to clean up after his lazy arse!! That was the start of disengagement for me

susanm's picture

It is not your fault that your H had the poor judgment to get into a situation for which he was not prepared.  It is up to him to make up for that by teaching them to be decent people who are the opposites of their mothers but he is failing.  Biology is strong and he has an uphill battle if he wants nurture to prevail over nature.  He can try harder and possibly get them into counseling before it becomes so unpleasant that he loses you.  You may as well lay it out honestly for him and make one last stab at making the marriage work before leaving.  At least you will know that you tried everything and can leave with a clean conscience.

ldvilen's picture

Thumbs up from me on counseling for the kids too.  Age 4 and 6 may sound young, like they were a blank slate of sorts that your DH could start over with, but when it comes to horrible parenting (I don't know if drugs, prison were involved with bio-parents or what), negative impressions could have easily already been made on the children.  If they feel their mother abandoned them too, and you are put out there as a mother-figure, they may take out all that anger directed at their mom on you.  There is much more, behind the scenes, that neither you nor your DH may even have a clue about that went on with these kids prior to them coming to live with your DH.

This is why in these types of situations, it is very critical for children to get help early, because contrary to popular belief, a lot of the negativity they experienced early on, even as early as six months old (if not younger), can mold their thoughts, approaches, personality, etc. for the rest of their life, IF they don't get help from those experienced in early child development early on.  It is not a sign of weakness or poor parenting, necessarily, on your DH's part to get them professional help.  If he truly is concerned about these kids' welfare and wants to keep his marriage, he should be more than willing to get them counseling.

tog redux's picture

Yes, for sure they should have therapy. They've likely been neglected/abused and have definitely been abandoned.

tog redux's picture

It's right to disengage any time - they aren't your kids and you aren't their mother. Your DH may be hoping you'll be an active parent, but that is your choice - and if he doesn't parent adequately or back you up on discipline, then disengaging is the right idea. He chose to take these kids in and be their parent, not you.