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Not even married yet and I’m disengaging

Lefty622's picture

I've been with my fiancé for 4 years, engaged for over half of that time. He has SD19, SS17 and SD11 and I have three daughters, two are 23 and 19 and one is 10. We have set a wedding date twice now, the first time was because of a major life change that we postponed it until things calmed down.  Second wedding date we were five days away and SS17 was discovered to be taking drugs and was put in an inpatient facility to try and get him help. Cake was ordered, flowers, everything. Fiancé basically left it up to SS that if he wanted to be there we would wait to get married. So he said he wanted to be there and we are still not married. Now this is not the first of the troubles with SS, it started a few years ago with him stealing family vehicles if keys were left out, stealing almost $1000 from his dad. Lying. Fast-forward he now has his license and had a job but that's where he passed out at work from too many pills. When he got in trouble for stealing the vehicles he was living with his dad and we were not yet living together yet. My fiancé came down hard on him for the stealing and lying so he decided he wanted to live with BM. She lives a very different lifestyle and does drugs and does whatever she wants to do. SD19 moved in with us a year ago and SD11 has lived with us the past three years even though custody is split, one week with BM, the next week with dad. When SS17 got out of the facility he started staying with us. So all theee of his kids now live with us and my daughter who is 10 lives with us. About two months ago my fiancé got a new job and started working 2nd shift. I work an 8-5 job so I'm not home during the day.  So now I'm home with all three of his kids (that he is still paying support on but we are working on changing that). The problem I'm having is his kids think they run the house the older two run all around and then cry to daddy for gas money. They do not respect anyone else's belongings, most recent examples are my daughter had her school laptop charging with HER charger and either SS OR SD19 unplugged it from her laptop and plugged in their Bluetooth earbuds. And SD19 will not stop coming into our bathroom in our bedroom when I'm at work and using my hair straightener. No boundaries they just don't care. We buy groceries and the two of them devour everything before anyone else can have any. It's just getting really old I just wish they would go live with their BM. I feel horrible for feeling like this. I have disengaged BIG time. SD11 bullies my daughter. She won't leave me alone to have a moments peace. BM gets her every other weekend and sometimes Wednesdays for a couple hours when she doesn't have something better to do. On her weekends she is dropping her off early because she has things to do. Well so do we it's the only time we get alone together and it would be nice to go and do things but we can't because of the kids. I don't want to lose us in the middle of all of the chaos with his kids, there is always something happening and it is exhausting. But especially with him working second shift and me left to deal with it all I feel like I have disengaged from our relationship some too.  He talks about us setting another date to get married and I'm in no hurry and not even sure I want this life anymore. I love him and want to enjoy life with him but his kids are making it hard and I barely see my fiancé anymore and it's going to be like this for a while.

I've been reading everyone else's posts and can relate to so many and the distressed feelings. I'm hoping someone has some kind of advice because I am so sad. My motto lately has been if you can't change the situation change your attitude but I'm struggling bad!!

SteppedOut's picture

But, you CAN change the situation. Not only is all this chaos unfair to you, your young daughter is SUFFERING all this too. And she DOESN'T get a choice like you do.

Nice your SO gets to leave all HIS bullcrap behind and go to work while YOU have to manage HIS CHAOS.

If it was me, I would NOPE right OUT of this toxic chaos. 

Lefty622's picture

I feel like it is headed that way. SO and I's relationship is still good we aren't fighting or anything like that, and when we can get time together it's great. Unfortunately those good quality days are maybe twice a month, every other Saturday but now SD19 and SS are usually around. It's not just about having kids around, it's the crap that comes with it. Leaving the house at 2 in the morning because a friend has "car trouble". B.S.  and my SO just lets them go.  Anyway our relationship is slowing starting to suffer at least as far as my feelings go because I'm starting to resent the situation.  Two years ago I turned down a job that pays twice as much as I make now with a major automobile manufacturer where I would have been bringing home profit sharing and bonuses, because I knew going full time would put me on second shift away from my SO and the kids and being with them was more important than the money.  And now he takes a job knowing he woukd be working second shift. And leaves me to deal with it all.  It may be my time to see myself out. 

ndc's picture

I don't think changing your attitude is the right move here.  Change the situation, because it's not fair to you, and more important, it's not fair to your daughter.  Can you move out but continue to date your fiance, and postpone living together and marriage until his older two children are out of the house and his younger child learns not to bully or goes to live with BM?  That might give your fiance incentive to make changes.  If not, at least your daughter will be in a better place and you won't have to deal with his kids.

Lefty622's picture

It is possible I actually still own my own house. Two years ago we bought our dream home together but we are currently having to sell it and we are in the process of moving into my house. The plan was to sell my house but I was being really slow with doing some improvements and getting it on the market.  Everything happens for a reason. SO owns his own business, or did, kind of still does and now also has this new job, but the reason for postponing the wedding the first time was because of a major client of his dropped him and we could no longer afford the dream house. So we were all going to move into my house.  The thought has crossed my mind several times.  
I didn't really see SD11's actions as bullying more as sibling picking and bugging, but when I asked my daughter to turn on SD11s bedroom light one morning when she wasn't getting up for school she looked at me with this look of fear and then I was like oh heck no!!! I told her do not be afraid of her! So I've been watching closely and getting on SD11 and telling her to leave her alone when she is picking at her and not stopping.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Why are you making your daughter live like this? Her home should be her sanctuary - she should not be afraid of someone else who lives in the home. Even without the bullying, all of the chaos is not good for her.

Your SO has kids who are out of control, he should not be working second shift - he should be home to manage things. What would he do if you weren't there?

I think you should have him and his kids move out and leave you and your daughter in peace. Keep seeing him, and once all of his kids have launched, then get married and live together.


tog redux's picture

You and SO's relationship is good because you aren't standing up for yourself, and are allowing him unload his baggage onto you.

There is no way in hell, no matter how much I loved someone, that I would take care of his kids for him, including an adult kid who can't even be a help to you instead of a burden.

The time to disengage IS before you get married, so he knows that marrying you doesn't mean he gets a replacement mother for his kids, one who will take over his parenting duties for him. He doesn't get to take full custody and then abdicate his parenting to you.

Please let him know he needs to find a 1st shift job, or other child care arrangements by a certain point, or he and his kids will need to move out.  It's not fair to your daughter OR you.  You can still date until such a time as it seems more realistic to live together.

Gimlet's picture

You and SO's relationship is good because you aren't standing up for yourself, and are allowing him unload his baggage onto you.

This is exactly what I was thinking as I read this.  You turned down a job that would have been better for you and your child, so you could be there for the kids, which mostly sound like being there for HIS kids. Is your daughter's dad in the picture?  

You are stuck with his kids every night and they have no boundaries or respect, eat up all the food, and worst of all, they bully your daughter!   Tog is right, you get along with this poor parent of a man because you aren't pushing back on his bullshit. 

You still having your house is a perfect opportunity to move back into it with JUST you and your kids.  Since you already have to move, it's perfect timing.  SS did you a favor by messing up your wedding plans as well, just take this for the serendipity it is and get your daughter out of that situation.  


shamds's picture

the first time my ss then aged 17 did that was the last... ss went through the veggie compartment of fridge to find my stash of powerade/gatorade drink while i was pregnant.

i was vomiting 4-5 times daily every friggin day of pregnancy and needed that drink, it was the only thing that helped. From midnight till 8am he managed to drink 5x 500ml bottles of it.

i am staggering downstairs to get a bottle because i had vomited 4 times in 90mins and see them all gone. Ss couldn’t be bothered to throw in the bin, just dumped on the floor. I lost it with hubby who replies with i will get some more on the way home from work. My response was “great what am i supposed to do for the next 10 hours or so?? I can’t keep anything down unless i drink a bottle of that”, hubby told his son to stop being a pig.

even nowhe might drink some juice but he’s too afraid to get any because i buy the groceries. He doesn’t even take my kids snacks, he knows all hell will break loose.

seems like your man isn’t raining hell on his kids ao the same shit continues

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Don't marry him until the living situation is one you can handle. I'm doing the same thing. Boyfriend works nights but has kids every day. No boundaries, even (especially!) with the bed. F that noise. Backtrack and re-evaluate. I know it's harder since you already live together, but having your home be a place you feel comfortable is priceless. I will not dread being in ny own home. Neither should you, and neither should your daughter. 

hereiam's picture

My motto lately has been if you can't change the situation change your attitude

But, you CAN change the situation. And you should.

Siemprematahari's picture

I don't see how you would still want to marry this man after enduring all this f@ckery. I don't understand how you even consider your relationship "good". Do not sell your house and DO NOT have him and his unruly kids move in with you. Have you considered you and your daughter moving back to your home and have your fiancee fix and figure his shit out?

He has a lot of problems and baggage and none of them should impact you and your child. I feel for your daughter who has to be subjected to all this nonsense. Have you spoken to her to get an idea of how she feels about this entire situation? Think of what you are modeling to her....Get her input and really do some soul searching on this relationship because it doesn't seem to be a happy one from what I've read.