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Nacho Kids Academy

blended4213's picture
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Has anyone participated in this and if so did it help? I'm trying to figure out how to disengage but still be the adult figure. I can't let stepkids do outright bad things in front of me, but if they are not following house rules do I punish or have DH do it? My counselor says it is important to be on the same page.

Evil3's picture

Did you ask your counsellor for clarification on what he/she means by being on the same page but nachoing? I don't see how nachoing and being on the same page go together. SMs normally nacho because we're sick and tired of not being on the same page. We're sick and tired of being undermined by Dad in front of the ferals. Nachoing removes any opportunity for Dad to undermine you and it removes opportunities for arguments between SM and Dad. If Dad was on the same page as SM or granted her equal authority in the home over her ferals, there wouldn't be the need to nacho. You might want to be careful that you have the right counsellor. But that's IMHO.

I didn't go back and read your past blogs, so I don't remember the details of what's going on in your case, but yes, you "punish" DH. Do not say a word to the ferals. That is unless they're doing something dangerous like playfighting at the top of the stairs. Any messes that the ferals did or any damage, you tell your DH, "Hon, there's a turd smeared on the toilet seat, please handle it, thanks." "Hon, there's a sink full of dishes with chewing gum stuck on them, please handle it, thanks." Walk away before he can answer. At some point, your DH will realize what pigs or how feral his preciouses are and he'll get tired of dealing with their crap. Yes, it's very difficult to see a parent doing something a brat should be taught to do, but it's better than you having to do it. If you keep tending to things, your DH won't see just how much trouble his brats are.

Good luck! 

 

blended4213's picture

I don't think my counselor promotes the idea of disengaging but I feel torn. I guess if we are on the same page, I can easily discipline and just say, that is the house rule your dad and I agreed on. I don't want to be cleaning up after them though. I wonder if you can partially nacho/disengage? I already have nothing to do with their schoolwork/laundry/hygiene. It's more behavioral stuff I just can't live with anymore. I'll see what the counselor says when we meet together about this.

hereiam's picture

There are different levels of disengagement and it's fine to do what fits for YOU.

I had absolutely no issues telling my SD what was what when it came to house rules and behavior (although, she was a good kid so behavior was not really an issue). Stuff like taking food into her room, I definitely had a say in as kids are messy and I didn't want food messes in her room (or the living room).

But when she came over as a teenager and had black eyeliner on that made her look like a slut, I didn't say a word and left that to DH!

Her education was not my problem, her hygiene was not my problem (although I tried to guide her when she was younger).

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

Ignore them unless they:

take your stuff

say something rude directed at you

hurt your child or pet 

Do not:

Clean up after them or do their laundry 

take  into consideration their opinons

ask anything of them 

offer them anything 

drive them anywhere 

buy them anything 

give them any money 

show any feelings to them 

arrange anything for them like fun outings  or birthday parties 

get involved in their school or healthcare needs

consider their schedule when making your own schedule 

 save treats for them. Enjoy it all. 

let them take up the tv room 

let them use or borrow your stuff.

discipline them 

Do:

prioritize you, your schedule, your career, your hobbies and friends 

go about your life as though they were the butler. Say hello and good bye as needed and be cordial. 

show up to their events to support their dad, not them. 

NOT your kid NOT your problem 

 

Rags's picture

For me disengagement would include immediate direct confrontation of any inappropriate behavior that violates the standards of behavior and performance.

It would also include zero tolerance for any behavior that adversely impacted anyone else in the family.  Any mess they make they correct under the hairy eyeball of  high pressure completely unpleasant supervision.  Going forward from that point they would relive their nasty messes, lippy bullshit, glaring glances, etc, etc, etc...... every second I can bring those consequences front and center until that kid either tires of having their noses rubbed in their toxic bullshit and gives me no further reason to highlight their behavioral bullshit.  That is their only choice.  Suffer, or stop the bullshit.

But, I don't disengage so.... it is all about providing a decent life for a well behaved kid, or.... delivering a life of abject misery for a toxic shit of a kid. 

Their choice.