my marriage is about to end because i cant make it work with my step daughter
i do not know what to do anymore. i ahve been with my husband for 4 years. since sd7 was just under 3. i have nursed both my husband and sd back to good mental health after his abusive previous marriage. i bailed his ex wife out of ajil after assualting someone just so she could still see her child (supervised of course) i have given 110% of my self, more then i give to my own kids i think. SD7 treats me terribly, she tells me how aweful i am all of the time and is so spiteful. i sometimes fear that if i dont sleep with one eye open she will murder me in my sleep, that is the way she looks at me most days. i do not know what i did. i set rules and boundaries that do not get followed and i have learned along time ago there i not use in my reprimaning or punishing because i get over ruled. we have SD7 every other week. the weeks we do not have her my husband and my marriage is perfect never a cross word to be said, but as soon as she comes home, the marriage is in shambles. she destroys my kids things and when she is asked about it, he escuse it, "its just so satisfying and your kids arent here anyway" my husband thinks this just warranted a conversative, but i felt differenty. this caused a huge blow up in our house and ended with him cradling her to sleep and rewarding her with screen time first thing this morning. i have had it. i dont want to lose my husband but i fear for my own mental health if i let this go on. i know i am not a bad person, but every night we have her i cry myself to sleep because i failed. i think i have to walk away and i am scared.
You have no need to deal with
You have no need to deal with that. Some people are just ungrateful and you do not deserve to put up with people like this.
No, your marriage is about to
No, your marriage is about to end because your DH is a lazy, selfish parent who doesn't care whether or not you are miserable for half of your life.
You are clearly someone who takes too much ownership for "fixing" others (you bailed BM out of jail? What?). Your DH plays the victim about how he was abused by his ex and then is ruining his child's life by coddling her and allowing her to run amok, and you see that as something you need to manage.
You are hardly the problem here. Except that you've tried to fix a guy who doesn't want to be fixed.
If your health and mental
If your health and mental well being are on the line this is all the reason you need to leave this marriage with your kids and never look back. There is no way you should have to sleep under the same roof with a child and fear for your life and perhaps that of your children.
You have sacrifced way too much and you should never give more to SD than your own children. This is not healthy for all involved and should consider if its wise to continue with this toxic man and his feral daughter.
taking some time
i am taking some time and getting away from the situation. he has a choice to make. i always said i would never make a man chose between me or their child but this is far beyond that. sd7 has been kicked out of every day care she has ever been in and removed from public school and put into a school for kids with behavioral needs. i didnt mean to make my husband sound like an aweful person before because he is not. he has seved his country for 13 years and is a stand up guy, it is just when it comes to his daughter he continuously makes excuses and doesnt see that he is going to end up alone with an evil spawn. i so wish things were different. maybe time apart will help.
IMHO being a shitty dad doesn
IMHO being a shitty dad doesn't get to be erased due to other redeemable qualities, especially when you have to deal directly with the fallout of him choosing to be a shitty dad. I consider someone who makes a conscious choice to not parent their kid a shitty parent. There are some things kids grow out of but she is getting positive reinforcement and it's only a matter of time before that escalates if your SO doesn't make a conscious decision to step up.
If my husband was a shitty parent I would have left, love is not enough to live your life like that it will affect your mental health and eventually began manefesting in your physical well being constantly operating in fight or flight mode.
If you are helping with any parenting stop, maybe he isn't dealing with it bc you are taking the brunt of the hard work. Choose yourself and your happiness, step life can be stessful with well behaved skids.
Your DH might not be an awful
Your DH might not be an awful person, but he is an awful parent. Look, I get it. My dad was a decorated Marine and he was a terrible parent. (Fortunately for my siblings and me, my mom was a good disciplinarian and he would support her in whatever she decided for us and we all turned out just fine.)
But since your DH is an awful parent, that's what you've got to deal with. Could you step back entirely and just not do anything for this child? Or do you need to leave the household (and possibly marriage) entierly? You are in a toxic situation here and something must change.
Does your DH know you are so unhappy and that you're about ready to walk out? If he does and he STILL isn't willing to do anything to support you, then that would be all I'd need to know.
If you stay and daughter
If you stay and daughter remains the same, the problems brought to your home will get bigger as she grows!!!!!! Set your boundaries and expectations now! Learn about parenting together, maybe he will feel less defensive and more open to suggestions!
If you stay and daughter
If you stay and daughter remains the same, the problems brought to your home will get bigger as she grows!!!!!! Set your boundaries and expectations now! Learn about parenting together, maybe he will feel less defensive and more open to suggestions!
Your children need a mother
Your children need a mother too, focus on them. Please stop trying to fix your husband, his ex, and his daughters problems. They're not appreciative, as Julie stated, at this point you are interferring. It sounds like youre they're social worker rather than your husbands wife. I know how easy it is to get caught up in other peoples drama. Been there, got the stress and blame for everything that went wrong. Step out of their mess, let them deal with it.
Bailing out the abusive toxic
Bailing out the abusive toxic X? Really? That is flirting dangerously with enabling her crap.
Rescue projects so rarely are successful as long term relationships that statistically you are more likely to see a one eyed one horned flying purple people eater in it's natural habitat.
Find a new project. One that is of adequate quality to step up and be your equity life project rather than a rescue project.
Good luck.
Take care of you.