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My disengaging may end my marriage

Tryingtomakeitwork's picture
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OMG...an entire thread on disengaging?!  I wish I had been on this forum 15 years ago, when I first got married and dss was only 7.  Fast forward, and the disrespect from this 22 yo dss blew up in my face in January.  I told dh that I cannot participate in any events with dss from this day forward.  5 months ago, dh and I told dss how much he hurt me, and dh assured me that dss would show me how sorry he was.  Nope, dss has done NOTHING to show any sincere remorse -- no phone call, no text, no fb message, no card, no NOTHING.  I have held several family events (dinners, activities, etc.), and dss was NOT invited.  Apparently, dh thought that over time, I would just invite him over.  uh, no thank you. 

Since dh has been bringing up this issue every week, I told him that the only way the marriage would work is if dh accepted total disengagement and STOP BRINGING IT UP EVERY WEEK.  DH told me he couldn't do that, and so now, dh told me he cancelled our vacation next week (it's been 5 years since the two of us went on a vacation together despite the fact that dh has gone on vacations with dss.)  ugh.  It looks like divorce is imminent.  He told me he found a mediator and that since he has vacation time next week, we can get the divorce done then.  

Sanfranciscobaby's picture

He’s using a scare tactic hoping you will fold. You be the one to leave him. Let him wallow in his misery for a few days. He will come crawling back.

Rags's picture

Call his bluff.  Don't do a mediator.  Just get the best attorney in town, consult with all of the top 10 since most will do free initial consults, which should take them off of the board for STBXH, and nail him for everything. 

He mentioned the D word. Rub his nose in it hard.

Good luck on your new life adventure.  With STBXH and his spawn having their incestuous emotional affair for the rest of their lives.

Powerfamily's picture

As I posted on your other thread.   There is no reason just to follow because he is dictating what HE wants.

Tell him you are not going to discuss anything about your marriage or divorce next week.  You are on vacation then go away even if it is to family.  Do not contact him, let him stew with his choices.

I hope he gives you back any money you paid towards the vacation or is going to tell you the night/morning before you are due to go that him and his child are going to use your holiday.  And he does I would remove half the cost of the holiday from any joint account.

Use the time you have next weelk to get all the legal/financial advice you can, but do not discuss anything with him.  Do not go to the mediator, do not let him rush you into divorce with preparing yourself.  He hoping by rushing you into doing this you do not get a chance to make sure you are not being short changed.

shamds's picture

Late last year hubby told me all 3 skids frustrated him and were a major disappointment and failure for him in life with their behaviour and attitudes but he says they’ve been wronged because they had a neglectful bad mum (whom hubby stayed married to for 14 years before divorcing her) and hubby was so focussed on work as the sole income earner their whole marriage

boohoo my parents divorced and my mum was a high conflict narcissist and guess what? I never use it as an excuse to treat others like shit. I wanted to be a better person. Treat others how you want to be treated is something alot of skids don’t understand

yesterday hubby had amnesia and conveniently his kids have no issues with me and love me and don’t think of me and our kids as strangers. Really? Is that why your 21 yr old son who lives at home with us hasn’t spoken to me in 2 years and told you i was a stranger and made him uncomfortable to day a basic hello or acknowledge me when i’m here? Is this why your daughters have been 10 months no contact, not even ask about us but conveniently when hubby messages them every 3-4 months they are busy but conveniently ask hubby for gifts from our holiday overseas to visit my elderly dad?

my husband is in major denial and doesn’t like his sisters catching him up on it. They had to talk to me and were in shock at the 2 things i told them about skids...

oh and hubby has this 1 happy family thing in his mind, refers to me as his daughters mummy... ummm no i will never be their mummy... hubby has justified and excused their behaviour. 4 more weeks till i fly back with my kids to my country permanently to finish my university studies and send our kids to school.

i’m hanging by a thread until the day i fly out and am friggin jumping for joy i don’t have to put up with skids

MommyT's picture

Girl! Don’t let him control you! You take a vacation for yourself and let him know that you will meet with a counselor when you get back. Ugh! I hate when people try to control situations instead of working together. I’m so sorry hon

Kes's picture

My DH was in denial of how his 2 kids treated me, for many years, and allowed them to disrespect me in my own home.  Had a bit of an epiphany about 5 yrs ago and is now genuinely sorry for how he behaved and sees where I was coming from.  If this had not been the case, I definitely would not be still with him now. I disengaged in 2004 or so - many years before knowing there was a name for it, and years before I found StepTalk.  DH accepted my disengagement because I think on one level he realised I had good cause - although occasionally he'd still try and convince me I was in the wrong and his kids were the best thing since sliced bread. 

I don't think that you should allow DH to rush you into a divorce - get it done NEXT WEEK? give me a break.  Divorce takes a lot longer than that. I imagine it will take you a few weeks to get your financials in order and find a good lawyer.  He is just trying to bully you.   If it were me, I'd go away somewhere nice and relaxing next week, on my own, maybe a spa, have a bit of me-time and pampering.  God knows you deserve it.  

lieutenant_dad's picture

And you're letting him dictate your vacation time because...?

"DH, have your attorney send any requests to mine. I'll be unreachable about this topic next week while I'm on vacation. I'll meet with my attorney when I get back to finalize things with them."

Don't let him dictate this process! He wants a mediator versus a cutthroat attorney because he's going to go in asking for the moon and stars, "but if you'd *just* let SS come over, we could scrap this whole thing".

Nope. My XH pushed me to the brink of asking for divorce. It wasn't until I moved out and started dating again that it FINALLY clicked that I was done and over it. He begged and bought me flowers, everything he thought would win me back. Too little too late.

My new motto is if I am ever pushed to the point of having to use the threat of divorce to instill change OR my partner threatens divorce to instill change that I'll just leave. It's unfair to throw out the nuclear bomb of marriage threats as a plow. If they are serious, then let's be serious and end this.

Tryingtomakeitwork's picture

He was bluffing.  He's back to texting me and I reiterated that he has to accept things the way they are currently (disengagement) and stop bring up the topic every week.  His response, "can ss still call you to talk things out?"  Ok, I have never said that he couldn't contact me.  He knows how to write a letter/card, he has my cell phone, we are "friends" on fb.  WTF?!  I told dh to exclude my name from ANY conversation with any of our chidren.  I don't think he is capab!e of doing that.  I think he is totally codependent and can't butt out of anything that involves him.  Oh, what to do?!  I started organizing my stuff to move, but I have SO MUCH JUNK to get rid of.  It will take me forever.  Sad

Harry's picture

So go with DH on vacation, Do not talk about SS and see what happens. SS was to contact you five months ago, you are still waiting for that contact and “ his sorry “.   Not saying this is going to make thing right, but it still SS having to do something he did not do yet. 

If SS actually saids he sorry. Most likely he wii because DH will insists on it .  Then move slowly with SS. As no money, no overnight in your home, no free Vacations.  Just come over for a holiday,