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Might be a silly question but would like the opinion of others.

Stepaside-1987's picture
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I have adult stepdaughters.  One is young and into her own world but respectful of me.  One I have come to the conclusion is a hurtful b*&ch.  I have told my husband that “I am done” with her.  I am tired of being used and ignored.  He said he understands.  I told him that I have done nothing but be kind to her and to her children but I am sick and tired of being ignored on texts that require answers.  I don’t speak to her unless it’s needed. 

 

In the past, SD has sent text messages and I have responded but not right away (on purpose) but I did respond.  Just recently I sent a FB message so I could see that she had received it…the message needed an answer and she read it but did not respond.  SO here is my question…

 

Do I ignore future text messages/Facebook messages and be childish like her or do I respond but use minimal words? 

 

I am NOT a mean natured person.  My MIL who was also a SM said – Always keep smiling and don’t let them know they are getting to you.  I feel if I ignore her – it will give her just enough ammunition to blow something so small into a major family fight and therefore causing problems for my husband and me. 

 

Thoughts?

Aniki's picture

I am not a mean-natured person, either. But after the SDs tried to gaslight me last year, I decided they are Dead To Me.

The SDs contact me for 2 reasons: when they want a ride somewhere or they're looking for DH (because he isn't answering his phone). So I respond at my leisure, which is HOURS later, because they have a crappy habit of contacting me in the middle of my workday or after 10pm. I get up at 4:20am, so I only take emergency calls from LOVED ones after 8pm (DH and my immediate family members). Either way, it is always several hours before I reply.

So... perhaps your SD has decided that "turnabout is fair play" and did not respond to you because you don't respond to her?? You cannot be frustrated with her treating you the same way you treat her. Regardless... Make a decision as to what you're going to do and stick to it.

When I respond (eventually), I treat the SDs like I would a jerky coworker: I'm polite.

Stepaside-1987's picture

Thank you - I have always responded but have done like you - I wait a little bit now.  I started doing that after she was ignoring me. 

Aniki's picture

Since the SDs only contact me for BS, I have zero problem ignoring their texts.

I have honestly found it easier to deal with them when I treat them like a jerky coworker. I'm polite and diplomatic because I need my job. So I'm polite and diplomatic to the SDs because I love my DH.

Siemprematahari's picture

You can make this easy on yourself and just have your H contact her in whatever it is you need an answer to. Let your H text and FB message her and you no longer have to be placed in this situation wondering if you're petty or not. This isn't a case of ignoring SD, since she's not very responsive to you for whatever reason than H needs to handle it, plain & simple.

This removes you from the equation and having to deal with it.

 

Rainydaze777's picture

Ignore her completely and enjoy every single petty minute of it lol

Im serious! 

I used to be really nice- Im not anymore, and I've been enjoying it

StepUltimate's picture

I stopped answering SS calls last year... only calls when he wants something...

Bwahaha YES it feels good. Done being convenient for ungrateful stoners who cannot be respectful. 

marblefawn's picture

I had the same situation. I decided to disengage from adult SD. A year later, I received a "happy birthday" email from her. I wasn't sure if I should respond or not, so I waited a few days and wrote, "THanks!" I didn't want to ignore it or I'd never hear the end of it. And I didn't actually want to be rude, so I kept it to the point.

But since your SD routinely ignores your messages, I think you can ignore hers without worry. Don't even open them and don't mention them to your husband. If she says anything to him about it, your husband won't know if you got it or not, so what's he going to say?

Disengaging is taking yourself out of the game, not having to stress over responding to messages or not, waiting for her to respond to yours. When disengagement is in full swing, there will be no more messages at all. Soon she will get the picture. Trust me, I don't expect a "happy birthday" message next year!

Stepaside-1987's picture

Birthday is coming up and I am actually hoping I do not hear from her. If I do get a "forced" birthday wish - I will just simply reply with "Thank you" nothing more.  I appreciate your advice.  It is just nice to bounce your thoughts off of others with similar experiences/feelings. 

marblefawn's picture

Ha, ha! I hoped I wouldn't hear anything from my SD too!

One of the last straws that forced my disengagement was about her birthday wish the previous year. She supposedly sent an e-card to me, which I didn't get. Every time she talked to her father, for more than a month, she asked if I got the e-card. I kept telling him no, but began to suspect she was trying really to convince him she sent it when she hadn't.

SD's pattern has always been about convincing my husband how nice she is to me when she really isn't. The last straw for disengagement was when she sent a postcard to our house addressed only to him. She told him she "just forgot" to include me on the card, and yet she was so insistent that she remembered my birthday only a month before.

Such a minor, stupid thing. But it was what made my decision about disengaging. I got sick of her games after forgiving years of really aggressive ugly acting out.

Go ahead and let yourself off the hook for your SD's messages. You'll be SO GLAD you did! I am SD carefree these days!

Stepaside-1987's picture

Exaclty! They pull such petty BS.  As of right now - my H sees through her BS.  He knows she only does nice things or calls/texts/messages him when she wants something or when it is near Christmas and Birthdays - otherwise he hardly hears from her.  I, like you and done forgiving.  Thank you again for your advice!

SacrificialLamb's picture

"SD's pattern has always been about convincing my husband how nice she is to me when she really isn't"

Yep so they can show daddy how all the problems are the SM, and make it look like the SD is so supportive of daddy's marriage.   Mine used to not include me on cards sent to the house. Now that SD knows I have disengaged, she includes me on thank you notes for gifts that I had nothing to do with. Makes me laugh. I don't even acknowledge it to DH.  I try not to discuss her for any reason.

I recently had a birthday and received a happy birthday text from one SD. I responded with nothing more than "thank you." I will respond politely if they reach out to me, but I never proactively reach out to them. Ever.

marblefawn's picture

I guess the exclusion from greeting cards is what they suggest on the site for SDs. Must be right out of the handbook for how to alienate SMs. It is so subtle, men are too stupid to read the writing on the card. Dumbasses.

Areyou's picture

Ignore her. If she needs something she can ask her dad. Hopefully you aren’t needing anything from her. If you are, please stop it.

Stepaside-1987's picture

No I don't need anything from her.  Just needed a question answered regarding something that would not have taken much effort for her to just simply say "Sure I will get that for you."  But from now on - I will ask my husband to ask her.  She will get the message.  The only time I receive a text from her is when she wants something for the grandkids.  Those texts/messages will now be ignored.

ESMOD's picture

Honestly, there is no requirement that you contact his daughters for just about anything.. (other than if something bad were to happen to their dad).

It is your husband's responsibility to have contact with his daughters if they don't care to be cordial to you.. you should not have to deal with them directly.  He can call, text or email them whatever needs to be communicated. (not sure what would require a reply from adults anyway.. unless it's like coordinating holiday meal plans and in those cases I am not aiding and abetting people attending that I don't like..lol)

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I used to be the Cruise Director for everything related to my DH's relationships. No one appreciated it.

 Then I disengaged, and the first thing I did was reroute all comms to DH. Calls, texts, IMs were all met with "Gosh, I don't know. That's up to DH. Here's his number/email/work phone."

I went zen, and everyone else got frustrated because my DH avoids dealing with his crazy family. He ignored texts, forgot to return calls, and never remembered birthdays or special events. Sorry, not sorry.

notasm3's picture

About a year and a half ago I blocked SS and his GF and told DH to keep them away from me.  They truly are dead to me.  Works beautifully. 

Dh of course is free to go see them as he wishes. The GF is FURIOUS with DH because he won’t “make me behave”.   Yawn. 

Maria10's picture

When somebody repeatedly does the same stuff ir is crazy to keep responsing the same way and expecting different results. 

So ignoring her when she does her petty stuff is a valid response to the petty stuff.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Too funny how so many of us have or are dealing with the same sick games being played. After my kind texts were completely ignored (and I was pretty much ignored on everything else anyway); I blocked them, now they are dead to me.  I have peace now, I am not worrying if I should, should not do something---I feel zero guilt.  Sometimes things just work out naturally over time. And, people can ony pretend for just so long, reality will eventually surface. Eventually, the real colors come out.

Stepaside-1987's picture

Thank you everyone for your advice/comments.  I hardly EVER contact her - I was so stupid to think she would reply back when it had something to do with her own child.  Done being used and ignored.  I have voiced my feelings to my husband and from now on I will not be contacting them at all.  I was an idiot to think she could have behaved like an adult.  I have also decided that I will have my sister-in-law contact them if God forbid anything serious should happen to my husband.  Each "child" will have different levels of disengagement.  I have completely disengaged from this one.  

Siemprematahari's picture

Disengagment = Peace of mind

Remember that and go to sleep at night with a clear conscious knowing that you have done EVERYTHING in your power to be good to them and its out of your hands.

Enjoy the peace and gone are the days of stressing over what they may or may not think.

sammigirl's picture

"no contact to light contact" is spot on!  

My DH is totally disabled.  SD57 and SGD34 (mother/daughter) always make an issue of  "not knowing" how Dadeeee/grandpa is doing????  Excuse me!  He has a cell phone and they can visit him at their wishes, in our home.  

I have been TOTALLY disengaged for 4 years, working on it 8 years.  Because I disengaged, my SD57 and SGD34 turned on me; SD57 had a total melt down and wrote me a two page hate email, 4 years ago.  I never replied and have never had words with either of them.  I just continued on with my life and let them alone.  

Now....DH has been hospitalized several times, over these years of disengagement, for serious/life threatening issues.  I have "group texted" his grown children and immediate family each time; I updated everyone (group text) until he was stable, with all contact information (hospital room number/telephone contact).  Thus all family members contact him at their wishes.  

To this very day my SD and SGD continue to complain, because I don't keep them updated.  I ignore them completely.  I received a nasty text from SGD "update on Grandpa??????".  I ignored it and never responded.  They can contact him and I refuse to be the middle man, only in emergency. 

Their problem:  They want individual personal texts and they hate the group texts   I love the "group text", they hate the "group text".  

There are ways to win the race.  Stay here for support!

Diablo    

sandye21's picture

Sammi, when you send a group text you probably let SD and SGD know which hospital DH is in, right?  If they want detailed information they can always call the hospital.  If your DH isn't in the hospital it can be assumed he is well enough to answer his own calls.  If he isn't able to answer his phone they can leave a message.  There is absolutely NO reason they should call you or that you owe them an individual call or text.  The manner in which your SGD worded her text was disrespectful.  Good for you for seeing this as an attempted power play.

You're a lot nicer than I am.  I don't have SD's phone number so there is no way I can contact her.  If anything happens to DH I will phone a member of DH's family and let them get in touch with her.  If we have to communicate it will be with understanding that we will be mutually respectful of each other or not at all.

sammigirl's picture

Yes, I group text immediately, when the emergency is in process, from the emergency room, or by ambulance.  Everyone is notified within minutes of the transport, along with which hospital.  As soon as DH is moved to either ICU or a room, another group text, stating his condition and where he is within the hospital.  Upon him being in a regular room, he has a telephone, and room number; I send another group text of all information (room # and telephone #) and his condition.  Then I'm finished.  Once he is available for contact by phone and room visitation, I am off the hook.  They all know they can contact the hospital at any time.  

I do not have my Stepkids phone numbers; I use DH's cell phone, during these situations.  They are all on his phone, thus making a group text is easy from his phone.  Then I turn his phone off after the emergency has passed.  I do not answer individual texts, I only do group tests to all DH's family.

I will not deal with SD nor SGD, unless it's an emergency.  They know this, but they insist on personal attention, NOT.

 

SacrificialLamb's picture

If you were engaged with these dumb women, they would love the group texts as mine do, because it would be a way to exclude you. My SD's send text messages to DH, BM, their own DH/SO (their father's spouse, me, does not count). They send text messages about the dumbest things. When they got no reaction from DH after multiple attempts, they stopped sending them. Well, for now.  They will rev it up again when they think of a good idea.

My DH is older than me and there is a good chance I will be communicating with his family at some point. I am making note of your wisdom in how to handle this. I know that when the time comes I also will do nothing right.   DH and I have each other's medical directives and financial trusts put into place, which helps with my comfort level.

sammigirl's picture

My SD and her immediate family have no phone or social media contact with me.  They are blocked from all my social media and they do not have my phone number.  They text and call DH at their wishes, I do not ask, or know when or what is discussed.  They are history in my life and I do not care.  I only do group texts in emergency cases, from DH's cell phone.

Like you SacraficialLamb, they text or call about all types of stuff, but I personally don't want to know, so I don't ask.  My DH is also older and I will always have to contend with this situation, as DH is totally disabled now.  I started out with group texting, because I'm not going back for more punishment from my SD57 and SGD34 (mother/daughter).  The past 4 years have been so peaceful.  

Like you mentioned in your post, my SD and SGD keep it rev'd up and will never let it go.  I'm over it for sure!  I just do what is needed in regards to DH and his relationship with his kids.  It has nothing to do with me or my feelings.  I have no feelings for my skids at this point and will never care again.  That said, I still have to deal with SD.  Ugh... 

We also have medical directives and everything is in order for financial issues.  I am also comfortable with it all. 

Rags's picture

Block her and play the "It never came through" card if she keeps attempting contact.

Lather, rinse, repeat. There is no need to tolerate toxicity or toxic people in your life.

If DH plays the "But that is in the past... she has changed" card.... Just smile and say... "you don't have to tell me, she has to show me."

Disillusioned's picture

Don't let her problem become your problem

If you behave like her, then she's gotten to you and reduced you to her level

If she sends you a message, respond, but I would also stop sending her any messages at all

If something needs to be communicated to her from you, go through your DH

If your SD doesn't want a relationship with you, then let her have exactly that, no relationship 

 

 

Stepaside-1987's picture

Thank you!  I am so grateful for this site.  I get strong and then I get weak and this site helps me to get back up and fight for me! 

I have been doing exactly as you and others have suggested and will continue to do so. As far as I am concerned - distant relatives.