Just feels depressing
I am so tired if being a step parent.
I have two daughters of my own and one step daughter. (7yr)
Literally feel like I could cry when my husband decides stuff and then expects me to help without even asking.
We share 50/50 custody and live very very very close to her mom.
I already stuggle with the two holidays for everything. I tried to have an agreement on gifts and both parties hated the idea. Basically my husband said I am not going to limit what I get her because she will get gifts at her moms. Her mom said that basically she will have to understand some places she may get more or less. It is what it is I guess..
Sometimes I feel like everyone expects me to have my SD be part of every family thing. Sometimes I just want to hangout with my own kids and have our traditions. SD lives a whole other life and is very blessed and loved. I grew up with a shitty mom. I had one mom and she was mean and always put me down. I never meet my real mom so I cherish the connections I have with my (biological ) daughters. When our SD is here I feel like I have to give up anything I want because she is the center, and I am expected to be part of all the events. But I feel like her mom is there to do that with her!
When I try ti disengage my husband starts making comments to try to make me feel bad. I want to be in control of my life and atleast not get forced into stuff. I will start feeling certain feelings and walk away or hangout in our room for a bit to have some space. It basically makes my husband say he feels unsupported and that I am rude or selfish.
I love my husband and like my SD enough but I wish I didn’t have such negatives feelings sometimes. Sometimes I feel so alone in them and just want to take my kids and move.
When my husband and I first got together it was easier for some reason. Maybe because she was younger and in my opinion the parenting was easier.
I know everyone says you should love them the same. I just don’t understand why I have to act like her mom when her mom is literally down the road.
You can't "just love the same
You can't "just love the same".
IT'S NOT THE SAME!
Also, I'm sure to you it probably feels like not only do people want it "to be the same", but expect it should be even more. Like you should "make up" for being there... even though it's not your fault they got divorced. BS
Yes I agree. We can not play
Yes I agree. We can not play catch-up forever and it is not as though she is missing out or feeling secluded.
Just tell your DH to STFU and
Just tell your DH to STFU and go do what you want. I swear some of these men are such demanding aholes.
I get what you're saying. My
I get what you're saying. My skids also get more presents for every occasion because they have two families instead of one. I would probably feel the inequity too if it wasn't for the fact that I just don't want to give my own kids that many presents. I feel like my kids have enough and don't need all the material things, whereas the skids are different. They can be greedy and materialistic and it is very offputting to me.
My husband also feels guilty when we used to do things without the skids. My skids are older now, so DH isn't as bothered, but yes, it's depressing when the skids expect your life to revolve around theirs. SS truly believed at a point that DH and I should literally stay in the house and do nothing when we didn't have them. He was jealous if we saw a movie or went out for a meal without him. DH was really slow with shooting that behavior down, so you can imagine what kind of child I have to deal with now.
Don't feel bad. She has a mom, you don't have to act like her mom. My DH wanted that from me earlier, but he gets it now. I mean, he has a stepfather for over 25 years and has never once said I love you to him. Why would he expect my relationship with his kids to be different? I've had to explain this to him.
This was so helpful! I had
This was so helpful! I had hear our SD make comments about what we do without her and I remind her that she was busy doing stuff too with her moms side. I do not like a lot of gifts either. Last easter my SD commented on how much she got compared to her newborn sister (moms new baby) . I hate that behavior because its like hey our daughter did not get any gifts quit complaining. (She was a baby wouldn’t know the difference) One time she complained that she didnt have many stuffed animals and I knew she had tons at her moms and I said you have a bunch at your moms and she said well I dont here as if it was some expection of us. I was adopted from a poor foriegn country so she heard that shpeel lol.
My DH had to tell my mother-in-law that they can't imagine what it is like. Sometimes the expectations can be stressful. I really enjoy being honest and sometimes I feel like I have to “act” There are good and bad days. When he is supportive like that it is amazing but there are times where I want space and when he doesn’t respect that it is frustrating and just eats at me.
Appreciate your response and sharing your story! It is so nice to know I am not alone in this! Some Step moms make it look so easy!
I'm the same way. My parents
I'm the same way. My parents were poor and I didn't grow up with presents or coddling. They worked hard for all they have and that's how I was raised. I thought DH was the same as he grew up somewhat poor too, but got a great education and good job. But, gift giving is a big part of his family and DH's ex grew up in a family of spenders and hoarders. They got together when they were teenagers, so the skids were raised in an environment where they spent a lot, got lots of things, and weren't charitable. It pains me to be around SS because his only reason to spend time with us is to get something from us. It's sad. DH recognizes it, but at this point has stopped saying anything about it.
Stepparenting for me is an "act" too. I pretend I care for SS. I used to force myself to tell both the skids I loved them. DH wanted me to and said that if I said it, I would feel those feelings. That's a load of crap. I don't say it anymore to both of them. I tell SD that I love her and I mean it, but I don't say it to SS. It feels more natural that way to me.
Update
My two kids are with DH I am sorry for not being clear with that!
Does SD live with you and
Does SD live with you and your family, with BM or is it a 50/50 custody agreement?
If she spends time with BM, use that time as your family time for you, your DH and your joint children.
There is nothing wrong with living life when the SKids are on visitaiton with the other half of their family. If DH is guilt driven, it is up to you to steam roller him into compliance with the core famiy time.
For my bride and I it took a number of years for me to get her to engage in activities when SS was on SpermLand visitation. It finally worked and she finally engaged in our life when SS was with the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. I had to tell her that I was going to do things when SS was on visitation whether she joined me or not. My compromise position was that if we did something that we felt would be enjoyable for the Skid we could do it again when he was home with us.
This helped us be better parents to SS, better partners to each other and to prepare to be increasingly close and dedicated to each other and our marriage as empty nesters after SS-26 launched at 18. We are still the three musketeers and are very close but we also live our lives for ourselves as well as for each other.
Good luck. I hope that you can inject some clarity into your DH's skull.
Make your own traditions with your kids
If SD is there fine. If shes not then shes not. I have been through this and Im now on the other side. 23 years later. 2 of my own DDs and a SD. Sd had a wonderful life at her moms and had a half sibling there that was always in her shadows to the point where BMs 2nd marriage failed.
My DH got tons of guilt from his family his ex and SD about things we did without her. Our situation was worse because we had every other weekend and it was bad. We were doing nothing when SD wasnt here for almost 2 weeks at a time while SD went pumpkin picking, Disney, fairs etc. I fought my DH tooth and nail and he came around. Its all guilt and when DHs family laid down the guilt it got worse.Your DH has to shut them down.
You have to be strong enough to just make the plans and if DH wants to sulk then let him sulk. Yes he deserves to have this time to do some of these traditions with his daughter but you deserve the same with yours.Depending on when he and BM stopped being a couple He had all her firsts with his daughter without all these complications. You are not trying to exclude your SD but life goes on when shes gone.If you have to go alone or with a family member or friend at first then do it. The lightbulb should go off over his head that hes heading towards missing his other kids special times because hes worried about making everything 100% equal with a child whos only there 50%. Its not possible.
If shes like how my SD was no matter what we took her to-movies. fairs, Christmas events she spent the whole time telling my kids how she did this already or saw that already. Ive had a hard road with SD but my DH eventually saw what was happening and things got better. I came very close to leaving my DH years ago because of all these kinds of issues. I think it opened his eyes that he could be in the same position with our 2 together of limited visitations and all that it entails if things didnt get a little more reasonable.
Good Luck.
Thank you for your response!
Thank you for your response! It sounds like we have the same situation. Our SH has a another sister at her mom’s too. I do worry about the braggy behavior. She does this competive behavior with our one year old. She will do something and she will be like oh I can do that or I did that as a baby. Normally we will just say yup or ignore it. She gets plenty of attention but still seems to seek a lot of attention.
"You should love them the same"
If you had 1 bio child and 1 step child who's BM was in the picture, and you're supposed to love "all the children the same" because you are the BIO mom of one of the children, then by that logic, the step child's BM should be loving your bio child too because all the children are to be "loved the same". Because hell, that statement is about fairness isn't it. Loving a step child like a bio implies that the love you give a bio is "special". So if the step child's BM doesn't love your bio child just like she loves her own bio child then YOUR bio's are getting less "special" love. So its unfair to them!
That phrase "you should love them all the same" is such bullsh*t. Its not the same. Love isn't equal. Love isn't measured. Its completely friggen normal not to love your step children the same as you do your own bios. And its not YOUR fault if their bios are pieces of sh*t who don't love their kids. You can love and care for your stepchildren in any way you want because that relationship is "OPTIONAL".
I'm with a man who has 2 sons. I am not responsible for them, I did not birth them. I have no say in how they are raised. That's up to their parents. I'm not required to LOVE them like I would my bio children.
It sounds like your husband
It sounds like your husband wants everything to happen based on when SD is there, nothing starts without her. This would probably work if she were the only child in the home but there are two other siblings to consider. How unfair for them that their lives to have to revolve around their older half sister. I don't know how old they are or if it affects them now but soon enough they will resent her for this.
For your own kids sake you're going to have to push back a little. Just start celebrating your traditions with your kids, DH may say wait for SD but continue, SD can join in when she gets there. No need to fight with DH or have a big conversation just do it.
My situation is different and involves sgkids but DH briefly tried to put things on hold for them. Sorry, I'm not waiting around for them to show up and then cancel on us (always happens).
Agree! Go to a counselor!
If you go to a REAL therapist or counselor they will help you to see that your time - and that of your children is indeed worth more than waiting for someone to show up so you can resume your life. It is inconsiderate and unrealistic to expect your children to be in 'freeze-frame' until SD arrives.. It's like putting a movie on hold - somehow the rest of the movie loses something. Just wondering why SD can't come over a little earlier. As another poster suggested, if DH wants to wait for SD let him.
Also. if he wants her to have more gifts than your kids he should purchase them with his own money.