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It's Hitting The Fan TONIGHT

Java_Junkie's picture

Submitted by Java_Junkie on Mon, 10/22/2018 - 11:23am

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Disengaging

SD13 has a very close friend who just attempted suicide (hanging, and she's still in the hospital, unsure if she'll be ok or not), and the news has shocked all of us adults. So BioDad and DW are going to sit SD down and change up a few things.

Seems SD has gotten an app on her iPad called HouseParty, and has been doing some things that the folks were unaware of. Some non-system text apps as well that all she has to do is delete the app, and *poof* the folks can't see what she's been saying. Well, after this horrible incident, BioDad got her iPad out while SD was playing soccer, and he found a lot of ungood stuff (nothing horrible, but lying about stuff, making up a bunch of stuff, etc). Who can even guess about the stuff she didn't have on there at the time... Needless to say, both parents are now HAVING to be PARENTS. And my heart goes out to all who face the pain of a situation like this, whether directly or in the ripples afterward.

It's no time for me to be the "I Hate To Say I Told You So" guy, so I'm going to sit back through this. To this point, my subtle (sometimes not so subtle) hints being met with denial ("My kids are GOOOOOOD KIIIIIIDS!") are on hold for now. The times I'd sense something (not psychic, just noticing a longer spell of the kid hiding in the room and being REEEEALLY quiet, etc) and say, "Not sure but you might want to check Thing 2's iPad," to hear back the "Ehhh, she's talking to her friends and I don't want to interrupt," or, "My kids are GOOOOOD KIDS!"

SD will get home about 4:16, and DW and I will break the news to her. We'll explain it and what the ramifications are. DW says she's going to limit these kids' web access, and I'm warning her that I've noticed how the previous attempts at this have stalled (if it was up to me, after some of the stuff I've seen them doing, I'd block their access completely, but NMK/NMP) - but also that while SD gets the clamp, SS14 gets to play FortNight till the wee hours, and though SS is not doing the somewhat nefarious stuff, SD will see this and will become rebellious and evermore secretively nefarious. SS is DW's favorite, it's obvious to everyone but her, so I'm gently pointing out the downside of that so as not to come across like a (much unneeded) 3 foot long oak 2x4 to the forehead.

Blehh, this girl is such a sweet one, we're all hoping and praying she'll be OK. No matter the outcome, SD and SS will need to have some reasonable limits put on their web access (finally). I'll be looking into changing the password and putting parental limits on them (I think we have a Smart Router that will do that).

 

Java_Junkie's picture

Submitted by Java_Junkie on Mon, 10/22/2018 - 1:01pm

Great news - SD's friend is alive and alert! May be some damage to her heart and/or brain, but at least she smiled for her mom to take a picture.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Submitted by notsurehowtodeal on Mon, 10/22/2018 - 3:44pm

The friend of a daughter of a friend of mine committed suicide and my friend was a bit surprised at how much it affected her daughter. It was not a super close friend, but her daughter had a very strong reaction and after several weeks did not seem to be feeling any better. She started therapy and it really helped her cope.

According to the CDC, more girls are attempting suicide and more are using suffocation and strangulation as the means. Suffocation is more deadly than pills as it usually works. Suicide is the second leading cause of death in people ages 10-24. And you are right to be concerned about her, it is not uncommon for other suicides to happen after the initial incident.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 10/22/2018 - 5:20pm

We resolved this crap by destroying the Skid's electronics.  Literally.  They can't do this crap if they have no access to the internet.  Run over the laptop and tablets with the car.  Dunk the SmartPhone int he toilet.  Give them a call only phone.  They make several versions of 4 button only pre-programed numbers that only allow them to call parents, school or 911. 

They can reconnect when they launch.

This of course is not without some transition issues when the age out from under the CO and launch.  My Skid struggled with keeping his head in the real world once he turned 18 after spending from 8th-10th grade completely disconnected other than a very basic cell phone and 11-12th grade at Military school. 

He enlisted in the USAF at 18 and  realized most of his personal/social life online for a few years until he came to the realization that it was impacting his ability to function IRL. 

He is working through it and engaging IRL with significant focus on upping his career performance.

So, flush that crap and don't give the Skid a choice.

That is what we did.

What they do after they launch is of course up to them.

Java_Junkie's picture

Submitted by Java_Junkie on Tue, 10/23/2018 - 12:46pm

Double-edged sword here.

Biodad buys them the toys. DW is all about the real relationships over virtual ones, though she was thinking there could be a balance.

Biodad has confiscated SD's iPad indefinitely. SS still has his phone and PS4, which I think needs to be strictly limited, as in we set an electronic block on it. DW says she wants them to develop self-discipline, which sounds all noble, but I know a couple of things going into that:

  • These kids have rules here that are somewhat different rules at BioDad's; they will be one way this week, go there a week to their rules, then return - and all the rules somehow hit a reset; if I mention the rules are being ignored, DW calls me a "tattle-tale" and gets me disengaging.
    •  > Promise you this, when she plays that in a week or 2 (she has done it this way the whole 4 years I've known her), I'll tell her flat out, "I won't support your lack of parenting anymore. Either you realize you haven't got the willpower to parent consistently and accept my pointing things out to you as NOT tattling, or you will create and enforce the rules you created. I won't be part of this quasi partial semiparenting junk."
  • These rules she comes up with are just like her financial plans or like "shape up for the holiday" diets or "slim down for summer" plans - she'll do them a week or two, then her kids derail her with some activity or some other silliness - and she won't get back to it.
    •  > I'm going to point that out when it happens (and it will).
    •  > I need to either disengage completely or tell her to pipe down and remember that I'm her ONLY support. Her ex and her kids each have their agenda, and my agenda is simply to support her when she is feeling vulnerable or hesitant.
  • Biodad said he hopes DW is being strict with SD; DW read his text to me and said out loud to her phone, "Heh. Thanks for the parenting tips, Superdad." This guy's firmer ways are actaully making her want to back off and be softer to compensate, which I know is not helping.
    •  > I'll point it out to her, that she's letting her ex's asocial style change her path. She needs to set the path and not cave to emotional breezes that her ex and her kids are blowing. She needs to see me as the breeze of support that's there to give her strength to move forward in spite of the crosswinds, and that if she keeps turning the rudder to roll with their breezes, I'll have to just stop.

I'm already on the verge of completely giving up because she never sticks with a damn thing she says she wants to do. Then it'll be, disengage till Thing 1 and Thing 2 launch, or just dump the whole thing and be Mr MGTOW?

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 10/23/2018 - 5:26pm

While I get the noble raising the kids to learn self discipline, etc, etc, etc...thing,  at some point it is their performance that has to be focused on and for some kids that requires that we eliminate any distractions.

At some point  for kids that can't get out of their own way by their mid to late teens the parental goal has to be to build the burning platform that gets them to launch.  At that point they they can finish growing up on their own time and their own dime.

As a society we have forgotten that the goal of parenting is not to create a crotch dropping for our own need for unconditional love.  The goal of parenting is to create a viable adult that can navigate the world effectively as an entirely independent adult.

 

Kona_California's picture

Submitted by Kona_California on Tue, 10/23/2018 - 7:32pm

I love what you said there: "...the parental goal has to be to build the burning platform that gets them to launch." If you make life completely comfortable for them to run things however their 17-year-old self will, not only will they miss out on guidance they need, but they won't ever want to be independant. 

StepUltimate's picture

Submitted by StepUltimate on Thu, 11/01/2018 - 12:52am

"If you make life completely comfortable for them to run things however their 17-year-old self will, not only will they miss out on guidance they need, but they won't ever want to be independant."

THIS!! 

Java_Junkie's picture

Submitted by Java_Junkie on Wed, 10/24/2018 - 10:09am

Agree 100%. DW tends to proclaim "We are going to do XXX from now on..." and it's just a BRIEF matter of time before it all just boiled down to a speech with no repercussions.

During her speech Monday afternoon, both her kids started trying to negotiate terms, and we both held firm. Within 2 hours, her son was testing her; and yesterday morning, he was already plowing through his electronics time... and last night, he was actively doing it up, even after his time was up. DW said, "Thing 1, put your phone away, or I'm taking it!" He said, "Waiiiit... I'm checking the weatherrr..." He was still on his phone a few minutes later, and DW hadn't said a word, so I said, "Hey, so... how's the weather?" He said, "It's supposed to rain, and the Spurs are winning." During movie time, he was surfing on his phone, so I gave him a silly look and he put his phone away. DW didn't even notice any of that. SD did, and she was mentioning it, a lot, since she's without iPad, and SS said, "Gosh, Thing 2, you always think you can tattle just because you don't have your iPad." Well, he's correct, however, THIS is EXACTLY why I warned DW she has to be more even with them. Thing 1 gets a free pass on a lot of stuff, and when he gets in trouble, he gets out on "good behavior" for just sitting there and doing NOTHING... but Thing 2 will vacuum the house and do a pile of chores to pay her pennance and might get a little bit of leniency. Not only is it not fair (nothing in life is), but it's WAY lopsided. This lopsidedness will make Thing 2 feel like she's entitled, and she's going to push it. I've seen it roll out that way too many times.