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Is it okay to disengage after 8 years?

CH9341's picture

I've tried to develop relationships with my skids and it just hasn't happened. Nothing I do is ever good enough. Is it too late to disengage or do I continue bearing a dead horse? Skids are 13 and 15 

shellpell's picture

Disengage. None of your time, money, rides, cooking other than what you would do normally for yourself for ingrates. Why isn't your SO insisting on respect for you? There's your real problem. It's good you're not married. You can walk away at any time. These kids aren't going anywhere and will be part of your life forever if you stay with SO. Think about what you want for yourself.

tog redux's picture

You can stop beating that horse at any time. Take your focus off of them and put it onto you and your own life. 

shamds's picture

Which was about 3+ yrs into my marriage with hubby when they had ended contact 5.5 yrs already. Ss i disengaged around 3 yr mark. I'm not torturing myself with their presence and toxic negativity and bio mum crap. 
my kids with hubby don't acknowledge them

as family or siblings. I'm not sorry for that. Life is too precious to waste it on drama and crap!!

maintaining a civil relationship involves both sides willing to commit to it. If skids want to be toxic arseholes, they can do that away from me and my kids with hubby

CajunMom's picture

after 12 years. Fully disengaged and haven't seen any of DH's kids in 4 years. You disengage when you feel it's right. And after 8 years, I'd so that's plenty long. I stayed in the "game" way too long at my own detriment. I was an emotional mess from all that toxic treatment and it took me 3 years to get my head straight.

CH9341's picture

I feel like I've lost myself throughout this process. And it will definitely take a while to get right in the head again. Glad you are in a better place now. 

Gimlet's picture

You can disengage whenever you want.  You are a separate human being with her own wants, needs, and desires and if those are being compromised by staying engaged, then don't.

I just made the decision that I am disengaging from YSS21 completely after 10+ years of knowing him and 2.5 years of him living here almost all of the time.  I have been engaged in trying to help him and support him and getting nothing for it and I won't keep trying when he doesn't. 

It's been a series of little things that just culminated in my realizing that I was just wasting my energy. I am strictly on boundary enforcement at this point.

My house, my rules.  Don't like it?  There's the door.  It's too bad it has come to this but it wasn't my doing.  He's had the kind of support from us that many kids would kill to have.

He's out of my house in 1.5 years by agreement with DH and he has to continue school and stop quitting his jobs.

CH9341's picture

Happy you made that decision for you. 
I feel similar in that these kids have stellar support in not only myself and their dad, but grandparents and even my own parents and sibling. They always are sure to include them in everything. But they are grateful for nothing and want everything done for them and for the world to be revolves around them. 

shamds's picture

Pampered and allowed to use "child of divorce" as a way to get out of everything makes them ungrateful and think they're the centre of everyones universe and an inflated view of themselves. 

Rags's picture

It is never too late. It is  your call and you can make it any time you want to.

Too bad parents don't beat their children's butts when necessary to give them clarity. That poor dead horse needs a break.  People have been beating that poor horse for hundreds of years.


Gh4975's picture

Has anyone had to deal with their spouse treating them differently when they findout that you are not a fan of your ss?  I am trying not to give up,but I may have to! Merry ***in Christmas!  He acts like his son is perfect and doesn't do anything wrong.  I'm too strict etc. so I've been doing my best to disengage after about 6/7 years and it isn't going well.   I'm always accused of treating our son better & spending time with him,but ofcourse!  Why even bother with a kid who's ungrateful, unappreciative and doesn't even say hi or bye