I'm scared this has been unintended emotional neglect.
I got married almost 13 years ago, and married into 4 kids (2b 2g). I adopted two of them (the boys). My wife and I have had three more (2g 1b). I have been the only income since 2009. I also don't seem to have a backbone with our finances, because my wife insists that she handle all of the money despite the fact that I earn it, and would likely handle it better. I have been working for a furniture distribution center since 2012. The hours have been all over the place and the job is beyond physically exhasting. In the same year, my wife began an opiode pill addiction. It got bad for a while. Never reached for heroin, but her the addiction got bad. Our oldest got his girlfriend pregnant when he was 14 (2013). This threw my wife's addiction in a spiral downhill. I had never dealt with this level of chaos or these types of situations before. The stress was overwhelming. Her health was suffering. When I wasn't in denial about her problem, I was pointing fingers at her because of what the addiction was doing to our family. (I wasn't a good husband.) When I wasn't at work, I was doing all of the chores at home and unsuccessfully trying to fit in any time with our kids. All the while facing the, now, teenagers, dealing with resentment over their absent fathers being thrown at me. Our bill were not getting paid because the money was going to the pills and groceries. I started speaking badly about my wife directly to the kids (I know how inappropriate that was.) Three years ago, we moved into a new house. I thought this could be a fresh start. (We were facing eviction and had our utilities shut off at the previous house.) The kids resent me for moving us into the house we are in now.
Between not getting support from my wife in parenting my step kids, feeling emasculated, having my oldest three standing strong against me, I began giving my step kids (including the ones I adopted) space. When they started to distance themselves, I thought that they were doing what lots of teens do. I know that a lot of teens need a lot of space. I used to push them to do well in everything. They have always felt that encouragement to do well and coaching is too much pressure. They haven't wanted any guidance from me for a long time. Suddenly, It dawned on me that it had been months since I had even spoken with my youngest adopted son. I don't know how that happened. All I want to do now is hug him. But he just wants to stay away from me. He won't even look at me. I just let go of my step kids altogether. Why did I do that?
My head is swirling with grief and guilt. I don't understand. I disengaged with my step kids that I have parented for years. I love them, but the love feels different than the love I have for my biological kids. That's a bad thing, right? I'm a bad dad, right? My wife wants to leave me. I can't bring myself to do anything. I don't want to lose my family. I don't know how to fix it either. I feel so empty inside. I feel disconnected from life. I feel so broken. We have all been through so much. We've all done so much damage. My oldest kids seem like the have bipolar disorder too. The outbursts have been rediculous for years. Nobody but me wants counselling. Should I let my family go? I don't want to. I also don't know how to fix this by myself. I've just let my oldest kids (step kids) slip away from me, and it seems like I don't even care about it. I don't know how to address my feelings with that. I also feel so hurt myself, and feel resentment towards my wife. And she is the one begging me to fix this. What should I do?