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I unintentionally disengaged and I think I like it

StepmomfromFL's picture
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Let me begin by saying I do love my stepsons but they both have qualities about them, especially the older one, that makes it very hard for me to deal with them or even be around them sometimes. That being said... I just got a big promotion at work and have been working 9 hour days for the past two weeks. That means my DH has been picking up his kids from school (mine go to after school care and I get them from there) and handling all of their daily stuff when they get home. So for two whole weeks I've just had to pick up my biokids, take them to their extracurriculars and figure out their dinner, etc. at night. It has been like heaven. By the time we get home SS10 and SS8 have been fed, showered and are getting ready for bed so I have hardly had to see them at all. I get to say a quick goodnight and then I'm off the hook. Is it terrible that I am feeling so happy about this and I don't want to go back to dealing with them at all?? 

hereiam's picture

This is, for the most part, how it should be. They are his kids, he should be taking care of them.

STaround's picture

I think this is the way it should be.  Each of you are primary for your own kids.  If an emergency (which should NOT be happening every week) you help you.  

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

before you got the promotion, did you pick up his kids from school and make them dinner?

i think it's hilarious that you working extra only makes your DH care for his kids instead of helping with dinner for everyone and extracurriculars. 

StepmomfromFL's picture

Before this promotion I was out of work by around 4:00 every day which is the same time DH gets out usually on the days he works. So it was kind of just whoever got out of work first picked up all the kdis and started the nightly routine. So most days we were both doing these things but that still meant extra time with the stepkids which I dreaded every afternoon. There were a few days over the past few months that I would pick my kids up and take them out to dinner just to avoid going home to the terrible two lol!

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

are you kids spending more time in after school care and DH picks his kids up and brings them home?

tog redux's picture

As the others said, this is how it should have always been done. Just because you are the woman doesn't mean you are responsible for all child care while he, what  ... sits on his butt?

If I picked up SS from school it was because DH asked, and he only asked because he had a conflict. Otherwise, it was his job.

Chmmy's picture

I worked 2 jobs approx 11 hrs a day + an hour commute and had to give one up to move in with DH due to another hour added to the commute would make for 13 hrs a day every day and not a very good marraige.

I chose to keep my afternoon/evening job to avoid the skids. As of now I see them for 30 mins in the morning and off to school. I leave the house for work and Im gone til at least 7pm(730, 8, maybe 9 if i dilly dally enough), just after dinner homework and the other torturous activities are over. Works out perfect except days off school, sick days. I kinda get stuck unless I get BM to come take them. I know its not my job but DH works and I don't want him to take off or pay for care.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Sounds like your promotion has caused an accidental recalibration of labor, with the pleasant result that each parent is handling their own responsibilities now. How great is that?

Too often, we women end up doing the lion's share of home and childcare, because vagina. What's happening now is how things should have been all along. Your H may soon start complaining though, so be prepared for some whining and emotional manipulation. Have some responses prepared, like how happy the kids are, how each of you is getting more quality time with your kids, grades have improved, or whatever. Don't fall into the guilt trap, and keep your kids busy!

Rags's picture

I think everyone likes to step out the the grind periodically.  When I was a full time professional, husband and dad I would upon occassion "work" late just so that I could have some Rags time.  My wife and both respect that for the other.  When either of us need it we just tell the other and space is granted.  If she needs it I will usually head out for a weekend so she can have the house to herself, or vise versa.

I think it has something to do with kids.  Once we became empty nesters that dynamic has changed.

It is interesting that as the years have progressed we need far fewer of those weekends.  We want to be together, do things together, and enjoy each other.