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I need some (any!) advice

Jess45's picture
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Hi, this is my first post and I am worried about backlash as I tried to post a similar message in a closed Facebook group for Step parents and just got a load of abuse..anyway here goes..

I am BM to 2 gorgeous grown up daughters who I have a great relationship with. I am SM to 2 SS's 12 and 13.
I disengaged with SS's after 3 years of trying to be a good influence in their lives. I cooked, cleaned, entertained and did everything whilst they visited me and their dad, which was usually about 2 weekends a month. In return I got ignored, eye rolled at, tutted at, sniggered at. They fight with one another constantly, scream like babies if they are asked to eat normal, home cooking, swear, they won't get dressed unless asked time and time again, they mistreat my property and make it very clear that they hate me. They answer back, have made their paternal grandmother cry, are babyish and totally unaware of their behaviour. They are heavily influenced by their rather awful BM, who is a very bitter, manipulative woman. She tells the boys her personal problems and totally overshares with them, leaving them confused and worse behaved. 

I have asked my husband to try to remedy the sitaution and lay down some ground rules and make clear that I am not to be ignored or insulted in my own home but he just wont do it. So I Disengaged. I make sure I am away visiting friends or family when the SS's come for the weekend. I have absolutely no contact with them. I don't buy birthday or Christmas presents for them and I won't go to any family events where they will be at.

My life has been so, so much better for it. I don't cry myself to sleep anymore, my stress levels don't go through the roof, I am a happy lady again and my home is a calm hapy place...but, as winter is on its way, my work and social opportunites to take me away from home at the weekends will become less.

Am I right in telling my husband that I won't agree to the boys visiting whilst I am at home and that I will not make unecessary trips to friends or family just to be out of the house? The boys live 45 minutes drive away and he would be able to go and visit them often.

My husband is reacting like I have told him to cut ties to his boys and has said I am trying to drive a wedge between them. I am being made to feel like the wicked stepmother. I'm aware that my husbands family think I just "hate" my stepsons and they don't see a problem. My husband acts hurt and gets upset if I even try to discuss the situation.

I can't go back to how it was. I would rather leave my husband, who I love very much. Am I being unreasonable or do I have the right to a peaceful home life? 

Any advice is welcome.

Winterglow's picture

The way I see it, you gave your DuH the chance to sort things out when you asked him to ensure you were respected in your own home. He refused. Did he think that the problem would go away by itself? You have been taking yourself out of the way every time his kids are around. He has gotten used to this and has forgotten that this is also your home ... If he can't ensure they behave like decent human beings then I don't see any reason not to ban them from your home. It's not as if you are asking him never to see his kids again, is it? You just want him to see them elsewhere. 

Your home should be your safe place, your haven, and if you can't have that, well ... what's the point in it? Have you considered finding a place for yourself and continuing to be married while living apart?

Jess45's picture

I have thought a little about living apart. I think if I did that the marriage would fail though. 
My husband keeps telling me to "be the adult" which I assume means put up with the bad behaviour.

My husband has always been one of those people who says ultimatums are never fair, but I am on he verge of giving him the ultimatum - he stops the boys from visiting or I go for good....maybe seperate houses would be better *unknw*

 

Winterglow's picture

'My husband keeps telling me to "be the adult" '

Well, that's rich, isn't it? The truth of the matter is that if your husband would actually be an adult and parent his kids, none of this crap would have happened because it wouldn't have been tolerated from the start!

Winterglow's picture

Ultimatums are neither fair nor unfair, they are simply the sign that someone has been pushed too far beyond their limits too often. Isn't it unfair to expect a person to tolerate that indefinitely?

AgedOut's picture

I don't really have much advice but wanted you to know I read this. I think by allowing his sons to disrespect you he is disrespecting you. 

What does he expect from you while they are at your home? Are you expected to clean for them, cook for them, accept their insults? 

SeeYouNever's picture

Well I agree with you, you set a boundary to the respect you are entitled to from children as an adult ("be an adult" right?) And your DH didn't accept or abide these boundaries. Now he's annoyed with the consequence of you not rolling over and taking the insults and disrespect. 

I agree with you but very few people outside of a step situation will. As you said they will see it as you rejecting his kids and driving a wedge. Banning kids from the house isn't popular among non-steps... They will expect you to leave instead. Maybe you could propose alternating, one visit he goes to them and stays somewhere, the next you can take yourself on a small trip out of town.

The truth is there was a wedge already and you asked your husband bro remove it and he didn't. Instead he wants you to be treated like crap with a smile. You're not keeping him from his kids, he can still see them and stay elsewhere if he wants. If he wants you and his kids to get along he needs to make it happen. You can't just put stuff in a blender and expect the banana to hit the button itself. He needs to facilitate the relationship.

Jess45's picture

"You can't just put stuff in a blender and expect the banana to hit the button itself"

This is literally my most favourite thing I have read all day!!

Rags's picture

Your husband has complete control over fixing all of this.  He steps up and parents and all of this goes away.

hereiam's picture

My husband keeps telling me to "be the adult"

Tell your husband to "be the parent". Wanting him to visit his sons outside of your home is a direct result of his bad parenting and their bad behavior. It has nothing to do with wanting to drive a wedge between them.

They are the problem, not you, so having to leave your home because he lets his kids be assholes is unacceptable. You should not be punished because he refuses to parent his kids, and lets them disrespect his wife and home.

tog redux's picture

This is a tough one.  He doesn't want to parent, you don't want to deal with the results of his not parenting.  I don't think I'd ever agree with telling him his kids can't come over - but you can tell him that you can't stay in the situation as it is, so changes need to be made one way or the other, and let him decide what he wants to do. 

CLove's picture

Living separately but keeping the relationship. Sometimes it works. Its got a name - its called "nesting", whereby the kids and bio parents live in a separate home from their current spouses. I just dont see this working for you long-term though, and these kids are being set up to fail. At that age there is zero self-regulation and it impulse control (ok maybe not zero, but you get me), and he is not parenting, so they wont launch properly. 

Time to really consider what you want for the rest of your life. Is this what you want???????

I dont like to encourage leaving someone, but I also dont recomend misery either.

Kaylee's picture

Who owns the home, OP? 

Because if it's solely owned by you, give your H his marching orders now.

If you share the ownership 50/50, you can choose to sell up and get half each, and you set up your own home where you have the peace you deserve. Whether you continue to date this man while living separately is your choice, but there doesn't seem to be a future in it.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You might want to change your avatar. If someone would do a "reverse image" search - it  might lead them to this site. Everyone here values their anonymity for obvious reasons!

As to your problem, you will find lots of support here! You have already figure out disengagement on your own, which is a great start.

I Think I Am's picture

This response is a bit delayed but I'm just wondering whether you can implement disengagement inside your home as well as outside? You seem to have the right idea by leaving & disengaging in that way but if that's not an option - can you try to stay & disengage? You shouldn't have to flee your home for half the weekends in every month anyway!

Jess45's picture

My home is rather small. I live in a very cute but quite small cottage in the English countryside. Before I took the desicion to totally disengage, I was hiding in my bedroom or dressing room for days at a time, which was just miserable and due to the boys behaviour I could hear everything that was happening (fights, chaos) anyway, and I may have well as been in the middle of it all.
I can't see anyway round this except to insist on my home being a no-son zone.

triggeredbyskids's picture

I am in a similar boat where I flee the house and stay in a hotel whenever my youngest stepkid is around.  I have tried for the last 5 years to make it work and finally hit my breaking point.  I have come to grips that I cannot share a house with this kid anymore. I still want my partner to be the best dad to his kids and around when they need him, but I just can't live with them. We are at the point of trying to live separately.  I have no idea if our relationship will be sustainable this way since what he really wants is a blended family under one roof.  He is willing to try because he doesn't want our relationship to end either, but he's been really against it.  I would suggest trying it if you are also at this breaking point and cannot handle being around your skids anymore.  I agree with @Clove in asking yourself if this is what you really want? It may be worth at least having him get his own place on the side for when he wants to see the kids.