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I just can't believe it

ALK814's picture
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My 17 y/o step son stole my engagement ring 5 months ago when we announced our save the dates to the wedding. (No proof, just loads of circumstantial clues) It just appeared in a box of allergy medication on my nightstand two weeks after the wedding. I have been disengaging since my initial confrontation about the ring where I asked if he had “seen it” not if he had “taken it” and he acted very suspiciously.

 

I thought for sure my husband would blame me for the new appearance but now it seems he sees this for what it is. I don’t blame him for not wanting to acknowledge his son would be capable of this, I’m personally just happy he didn’t pawn it or throw it out in the trash.

 

My husband feels caught in the middle and hurt his son would lie. I still think there’s a small part of him that thinks I’m some how conspiring but I’m just trying to be kind, forgiving and honest. I’m not even mad now that this happened, I just want some acknowledgement and resolution. I’m not expecting any apologies.

 

My husband would rather we pretend to be happy and sweep this under the rug but I just can’t keep living a lie. I’m not deliberately mean to his son but I am detaching without common pleasantries hoping that the discomfort will lead to a family intervention. I don’t know what else to do. I recognize my part in this, and I also know if his son doesn’t come to the table we can’t move past this or even address his needs.

 

I’m at a loss and happy to receive any feedback, positive, negative or simply honest. Please help!

Kes's picture

In your place I would not be seeking any acknowledgement from SS - you will obviously not get it, and your DH is in a degree of denial about the theft.  Personally I would keep my valuables locked away when not in use/being worn and consider a lock on my bedroom door. 

SteppedOut's picture

Don't consider a lock on your bedroom door - DEMAND one. And a safe that ONLY you have the combo for (so he doesn't "accidentally" give it to poopsie). 

TBH - I wouldn't have gone through with the wedding if the ring didn't get returned. Nor would I have continued living in a home that my stuff got stolen by other members of the household. 

FWIW - my former SO's kid stole thousands in jewelry from me. His dad tried sweeping it and even made rediculous alternate excuse stories for how the items could have come to be missing. That was not the worst he did either! His shit behavior kept ramping up - hope you have no plans to have children of your own.

justmakingthebest's picture

The only reason that she got the ring back is because they went through with the wedding. Otherwise it would have been flushed down the toilet or something.

I agree with a key lock on your bedroom and I am also a huge fan of our home cameras. Worth every penny 100 fold. 

OP- as far as how you are feeling, just know that you are justified to feel like you do. You are a good person to move on but proceed with caution. There is nothing wrong with stepping back and disengaging. This is not your child. Your husband needs to respect your personal boundaries- especially after this betrayal of trust and security. 

Ki2619's picture

I would for sure lock up any valuables. Mu dh would also just sweep it under the rug. He has a blind eye to what his kids are capable of and doesn't want to recognize any issues they cause. Nobody wants to think their kid would steal or be a menace. You're doing right by disengaging. 

Winterglow's picture

If anything ever again goes missing and you are perfectly sure you didn't misplace it ... call the cops immediately. Give the little shit the shock of his life.

tog redux's picture

What part was that? Seems it's all on your SS and DH. He still thinks you might be conspiring against his son? Not sure I'd have married someone who thinks I'd do that. 
 

Anyway, cops get called next time something goes missing. And SS is living elsewhere when he finishes high school. 

ESMOD's picture

I looked at your last post where you said there was evidence like expensive things in his room.  Now that the ring has appeared.. in a place where it otstensibly could have accidentally made it's way into the box in the drawer... do you think your DH went and bought another identical ring?  Do you think that SS was just messing with you and returned it?  Do you think he got scared of getting caught and returned it.. or a case of remorse and returned it?  Do you think your DH searched the kid's room.. found it and then put it there to be "discovered"?

Honestly, the answer to those questions kind of makes a difference in how you move forward.  If this isn't the first dissapearance of valuables/cash.. certainly a personal safe to keep valuables and cash out of temptation is a good idea.  If this was the first/only incident?  I guess it's possible that you were mistaken in your assumption and read into his reaction?  In that case going overboard with treating him as untrustworthy is not likely to go unnoticed by your DH and by his son.. that could make life a bit more difficult living like that I guess. (not saying you have to accept your things being taken.. but if there is a chance that your assumption is wrong.. it could be damaging to the relationships)

Certainly at this point.. the kid is close to being of age.  I would hope that you knew what the plans were for the kid when he graduated and turned 18.. it's fairly close and if you find out now that the intention was to allow the kid to live at home?  what then? might that have been a non-negotiable to deal with before the wedding but harder to demand it right now perhaps?.

 

Dogmom1321's picture

Put a lock on your bedroom door and I would also put cameras in the common areas of the home. Don't ask. Just do it. 

SeeYouNever's picture

They will never accept that their kids are theives or less than perfect. My DH has a little cousin a year older than SD14. If anything went missing or misplaced my DH would immediately blame the cousin, who was oftentimes at our house at the same time as SD. 

Then things started missing when it was only SD at our house. My DH STILL blamed the cousin or said we misplaced things. Anything to avoid blaming SD. He knew, he had to know, but his ego kept him from being honest with himself and everyone else.

Thumper's picture

There is nothing worse than being violated inside your own home. We know this awful feeling.

Where is bm in all this?

 

shellpell's picture

Seriously consider if you want to live like this, locking things up, being hypervigilant, etc.

nappisan's picture

Ive been here too!  ive had hundreds of dollars continoulsy stolen from me by exSS14.  In the end i thought i was going crazy and spending or misplacing the money myself until i stopped having cash around and all of a sudden DH's cash was going missing ,,,,,but OH NO it couldnt be his son , brushed under the carpet.  My son at the time who was 16 constantly had his room searched through by the brat , we put a key lock on the door which stopped that.  This kid was wierd and even stole my sons girlfriends hair scrunchies and stuff she left laying around..creepy!   at 17 years old , he should have now accepted his dads new relationship 

Tenn9lov's picture

I would lock everything up. Do not leave any financial documents, credit or debit cards where he can get his hands on them. Consider a PO box for your mail.

I remember asking dh where his wallet was one evening. He told me it was on the counter in the kitchen. I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea that he left it on the counter since he had trouble in the past with unauthorized use of his debit card. (Yes, I believed ss stole his card in the past). Sure enough, unfamiliar charges appeared on his statement the next month. Dh did some investigating and the charges were from ss17. He stole dh card number and set up and online account to game. I looked back on previous bank statements. The total unauthorized charges were in excess of $800.

Luckily, I had all of our mail going to a PO Box, where ss couldn't get his hands on it. We replaced all of the door knobs with dead bolts. SS was not allowed in the house when we weren't home. He was not given a house key. SS grew tired of this quickly and moved in with his mother.

hereiam's picture

I would lock everything up. Do not leave any financial documents, credit or debit cards where he can get his hands on them. Consider a PO box for your mail.

This would not be sustainable, for me. I just couldn't (and wouldn't) live like this, in my own home.

I remember telling DH when SD30 was a teen, that if she started getting nosy and snooping around (and reporting back to BM), and I felt that I had to lock things up and tip toe around my own house, she would not be coming over.

Tenn9lov's picture

I refused to live like this long term. However, if I had kicked SS out of the house, then I'd be the *ss. So, I demanded dead bolts and denied access instead. It only took a few days for SS to decide he didn't want to live with us. We dropped him off at BM the following weekend.