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I have to run away to stay sane

blended4213's picture

I know I am partial to my biokids but they just don't have certain behavioral issues stepkids have. DH is supportive but so blind to their issues and I don't feel it's fair he expects me to clean up the mess he and BM have made. I don't even want to discipline. I'm trying to disengage. He encourages me to discipline but I just don't want to! It stresses me out, I'm not their mom, and if he would have done a better job parenting earlier I wouldn't be so stressed out by their bad behavior. So I find I just need to leave. I will be gone most or all of the weekends they are here. It is just impossible to live with them. Why can't DH see this? I feel like he owes me an apology for having to put up with it and should actually discipline when they are doing bad behaviors. Lecturing them does nothing. Sure, go back to your phone or video game and play all day after doing unacceptable things! I refuse to feel guilty for hiding or running away from them anymore. I am guilty myself of thinking it would just get easier. I saw how his kids acted before we moved in and got married, so that's on me. But I never realized how miserable they would make me. I do try to see the positives in them, but can only take them in very, very small doses. Which brings up the point of wouldn't it be easier to not live together than disengage? I'm really struggling with this. Has anyone else made it work with a blended family to kind of do their own thing the majority of time?

blended4213's picture

Just to add, I can barely get through dinner with his kids. How. In. The. ..... do you raise kids to this point so they are so socially unacceptable?!? I require decent amounts of liquor to eat dinner with them. This is mostly just a vent but I just cannot believe how they act. So rude. Interrupting everyone. Yelling. Laughing obnoxiously. Belching on purpose. Yelling again. DH does tell them to stop but how did they get to this point? I feel like I am being punished by having a meal with his kids, they are just horrible! 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

It is the bio parents job to discipline so I’m not surprised you are stressed. If he keeps trying to push this responsibility onto you he is not being very reasonable. 

Also, If that were me I would go and eat my dinner in another room if it that bad. Or I would eat my dinner when the kids were in bed. Or have a children eat first policy so you don’t ruin a nice steak and chips supper or something. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

He cannot expect you to discipline them. They will only resent you for it. If the standards for behavior, limits and boundaries have to come from thier parents. SO and I do go to counseling together to address this, and its slowly improving.  But in the meantime whenever they are here I have an exit plan, because if I am not here I cannot be expected to deal with them.

blended4213's picture

Yes, I totally agree with that. It is the parents job and I will support. But I do find myself just avoiding them so I don't have to deal with this. DH and I are going to see a counselor to discuss parenting issues and being a united front, which is I guess different than disengaging. I've been talking with the counselor myself regarding stepfamily stress, and she does have some good advice I have tried to talk with DH about. He says he understands but there is no follow through. I end up feeling like the bad guy when I discipline all by myself, but when I let it go resentment builds up. I think DH needs to hear this from a professional. It is harming our otherwise great marriage, dealing with these parenting issues. I am glad to hear it is helping for you. 

SteppedOut's picture

Not only is he harming your marrige, but he is also harming his children by not teaching them how to ...well, live properly. 

Not that you give a crap at this point, but maybe he will start caring if it is put to him like that. 

Seamus853's picture

For you.  But, I can only sympathize. I think that DHs in general just don't want to discipline because of guilt and because they don't want to do it to be seen as the "bad guy." They already feel guilty over the divorce and kids have this power of really wrapping their dads around their fingers. And DH seems to really like it. Of course they "love" him because he's terrible at discipline. And he gets positive reinforcement from them for NOT disciplining. I feel your pain. 

JRI's picture

How old are the stepkids? How many?  What's the BM like?