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I hate my stepdaughter!!!

strssd stepmom's picture
Forums: 

Can I say that here with no judgement??

Who else feels the same? If you could drop a YES below, I would feel 100% better. 

I need to work on disengaging at all costs. 

Thanks!

Evil4's picture

Don't even get me started!!!! LOL

You can say it here a million times and not get judged. In fact, you'll get a lot of stories from folks here about their SDs. 

Mine's a full-blown narcissist. 

strssd stepmom's picture

Thank goodness. 

I don't want ill for her, I just don't like her as a person. She's lived with us for 2 years and I have zero to no endearment toward her. I thought it would change by now. 

zma_16119414's picture

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now, his daughter was in Kinder when we met and now she's going into 5th and I STILL DONT LIKE HER. She annoys the sh*t outta me just by opening her mouth. She's whiny, lazy and incredibly immature. I'm hoping as she gets older she matures, but with the BM that she has, I doubt it. *sigh*

Nomoremonkeybusiness's picture

I am in the same boat, i hate my stepdaughter, from the time her mom walks in the door she is right up her ass! She is 11 and can't have a friend for more than a couple of days.  She has to be the center of everything, it is really getting to the point that I am ready to walk out on account of her. She lies, shes manipulative she is hateful, and it's like her mom and dad are both oblivious to how she acts. She doesn't go entertain herself like other normal kids, she has to be right up our ass 24/7. We cant even have a conversation because she is always around.  We have to text if we want to talk, this is not the kind of life I want!!!!!

Loxy's picture

I've been a step-mother for 14 years now (since SD was 2) and I have never managed to like her. I think on some level I care for her as I do want the best for her but I just don't like who she is as a person (never have and I doubt I ever will). DH also feels extremely dissapointed at how she has turned / is turning out. She's just like BM unfortunately 

I absolutely hate living with her and believe we will get along better when she moves out so I'm counting down the days until she's 18 as I'm desperately hoping she will live full-time with BM from then onwards.

So you are not alone!

Loxy's picture

If you don't like them then you don't like them and the number of years you live with them won't change that. I've had 14 years of step-parenting and have always disliked my SD16, despite trying very, very hard to bond with her. 

Saabi611's picture

I have been living with 17 yr old SD for more than a year and man she is so rude and disrespectful ..my husband is like a puppy infront of her scared to lose her ..I hate to say that I hate my SD and even If I try to like her I cant...I dont talk to her anymore

Mom2TwoPlus1's picture

My SS is a narcissist and I hate him. He makes out lives and home miserable. 7 months until he's 18 and I can get this lazy POS out of my house!

Carrieanne's picture

Short fun story, real mom abandoned all three 5 years ago right after my newborn daughter was born and my Dad literally just died of cancer. Fast forward to today, I ferking hate my life, resent my husband and cringe if I have to see any of the SDs who btw are still living in my HOME. They are 19,18,15. DH said itll

only be for a year until his psycho ex gets her crap together, she never came back, then he said when they are 18 he'd kick em out. NOPE. I have had enough. I look for rental houses everyday to move myself and my three kids away!!!! There's sooooooo much more to their treachery and evilness that it would take me hours to write. 

Notsoevilstepmother's picture

YES. And I feel awful saying it, but I just genuinely do not like her as a person. She's such a spoiled little brat (which is partly his fault...) but just so lazy and argumentative. I've disengaged entirely but I just hate having her in my house.  13 now and I sincerely hope we don't have to wait til she's 18 and moves out - as that would require getting out of bed and getting a job which appears unlikely. If she chose to stay at her moms full time I know it would hurt him which hurts my heart, but I'd be over the moon 

Notsoevilstepmother's picture

YES. And I feel awful saying it, but I just genuinely do not like her as a person. She's such a spoiled little brat (which is partly his fault...) but just so lazy and argumentative. I've disengaged entirely but I just hate having her in my house.  13 now and I sincerely hope we don't have to wait til she's 18 and moves out - as that would require getting out of bed and getting a job which appears unlikely. If she chose to stay at her moms full time I know it would hurt him which hurts my heart, but I'd be over the moon 

Marianne's picture

Mine is character disorder and a narcissist. I think my marriage is over. The last attack broke me.

PetSpoiler's picture

Especially with the SD's around here.  I used to frequent a board that focused on problems with the in-laws and families of origin.  A lot of stories I read on here show a similar dynamic.  Like instead of SD on the other board, insert mother-in-law.  The common problem in both scenarios is of course the spouse, usually the husband, but it's like either his mother or his daughter tries to be the wife.  Very strange.  I wonder if some of the husbands here have or had a similar relationship with their mothers, and the husbands would never set boundaries with their mothers either.  Now they allow their daughters to run the show. 

Unsureofthis's picture

Very good observation and insight. I have been wondering the same. SD problems appear to be solved.....enter MIL dramas! I never used to pay attention to the MIL dramas because the SD dramas overshadowed everything, but now the MIL is more prominent and troublesome. Definitiely a pattern here.

strssd stepmom's picture

Luckily, MIL is completely out of the picture. So it's just the little SD and her bulls***. 

0o00o000o00o0's picture

Been wondering the same. BF has issues establishing boundaries with MIL (who loves to stick her nose in our business, and he loves to invite her to), and with his kids as well. He tends to let his kids run the show as much as he tells them private and inappropriate information or tries to involve them in adult matters. It's all about boundaries. If someone can't establish them, unhealthy relationships with MIL and kids probably come together as a package.

JRI's picture

I canrt remember the name of the movie but Holly Hunter goes back home to her dysfunctional famly for Thanksgiving.  At the end, her sister says, if I you weren't my sister, I wouldn't have anything to do with you.  That's what I think about when I read some of these posts: the utter incompatibility of some of the SP and SKs.

strssd stepmom's picture

So very true. I hate that we are forced to like someone that we simply don't. Again, I do wish the best for her. I just don't like who she is and I definitely don't like who I can see her becoming. Manipulative, entitled and sneaky. Just like her BM.

 

I will try to check out that movie ASAP. 

Loxy's picture

You need to stop putting pressure on yourself to like your SD.  I spent the first 4-5 years of being a step-parenting berating myself for not falling in love with my skids. I put so much pressure on myself and my DH did too inadvertantly, simply because he was naive and idealistic about how it would all go. I was also naive and thought I would automatically love my skids because I loved their Dad. Counselling (both together) and separate allowed DH and I to become more moderate and realistic in our expectations and align our views/approach. It also helped me individually to stop putting pressure on myself and just let whatever will be, be. 

The relief of letting go was enormous and allowed me over time to really bond with my SS15 - we have a great relationship now and I love him. Although I've tried very hard, I've always struggled with SD16 and accept that I'll probably never like her much and that's just the way it is. I look forward to the day she no longer lives with us and then I can maintain a better (albeit superficial) relationship with her without all the day-to-day stuff causing friction .

Loxy's picture

You need to stop putting pressure on yourself to like your SD.  I spent the first 4-5 years of being a step-parenting berating myself for not falling in love with my skids. I put so much pressure on myself and my DH did too inadvertantly, simply because he was naive and idealistic about how it would all go. I was also naive and thought I would automatically love my skids because I loved their Dad. Counselling (both together) and separate allowed DH and I to become more moderate and realistic in our expectations and align our views/approach. It also helped me individually to stop putting pressure on myself and just let whatever will be, be. 

The relief of letting go was enormous and allowed me over time to really bond with my SS15 - we have a great relationship now and I love him. Although I've tried very hard, I've always struggled with SD16 and accept that I'll probably never like her much and that's just the way it is. I look forward to the day she no longer lives with us and then I can maintain a better (albeit superficial) relationship with her without all the day-to-day stuff causing friction .

Loxy's picture

Isn't that the truth! I would certainly never have anything to do with SD or BM if I had a choice, everything about them horrifies me and clashes with my values in life. 

It's the hardest thing in the world to live with someone you are so incompatible with for so long (14 years now for me). I feel worn out and just hanging on until the end of high school for SD (end of 2022) when I'll be doing everything in my power to make sure she goes to live full-time with BM. 

Rags's picture

I get it.  Most of us do.

For me, I can't stand ill behaved, ill parented POS children. Of any age.  I can't stand their idiot parents either.

I think I ooze this aura.  I have friends that keep their kids away from me at nearly all cost.  They saw how DW and I raised our son (my SS who I adopted at his request when he was 22).  They have all commented on how well behaved he was and on how a great a kid he was.  They would also comment sheepishly that we were  "too strict" with him and "he is is only a kid".  They were amazed that he could hold a full conversation with adults before he was 3yo.  While at- their kids point and grunt and melt down into fits if they are not given what they want immediately.  My kid knew what "use your words" meant before he was 3yo. He didn't get what he wanted unless he asked for it. They were amazed that we would take him with us everywhere. Restaurants, movies, formal dinner events, etc... and he did great.  They rarely take their kids out in publlc and when they do the are always cringing over the crap their kids pull.  They were amazed that he could read before he started Kindergarten. They comment about how their own kids hate reading and won't do it.  We just ask "since when do kids get to choose what they will do.  If they don't know how to read... make them read."  They tend to respond with something along the lines of... '"he/she is not like your son.  Your son is smart and always was ahead of everyone else."  Umm, he was ahead because we read to him every day and had him pointing out words in his books before he was 2yo.  He behaved because he knew if he didn't behave while we were out in public that their was a rest room only a few minutes away that would serve well as a private place for a talk.  He knew when he had made a poor choice when his mom or I picked him up and carried him to the restroom.  One time when he was ~2yo we had been at the mall shopping for clothes.  He hid in the middle of round clothes rack wich was not a big deal.  It was a big deal when he started throwing hanging clothes out in the isle. I dug him out of the clothes rack, we picked up the things he had tossed, hung them back up, then I picked him up and carried him to the mens room.  He got a very calculating look on his face, saw the alarmed looks of the ladies who were shopping or helping customers and started pitching a fit.  As soon as he saw the sign on the door of men's room he immediately stopped screaming, looked me in the eye and said "Its okay daddy. I am not mad anymore. We don't need to go in the potty."  I told him that we most certainly going in to have a talk.  We walked in, I stood him on the counter where we could look eye to eye, and had a talk.  A minute of so into our discussion over his poor choice of behavior two mall security guards walked in. A man and a woman.  The sales ladies had called thinking I was going to drown him in a toilet or somthing.   

The look on the guards' faces when they walked in on he and I standing face to face have a discussion was priceless.  I did not miss a beat.  I told SS that he was not getting away with poor behavior just because people were around and that our conversation would go on as long as it would take for him to understand that poor choices have consequences.  The lady security guard started laughing. The man was giving me the hairy eyeball until his partner busted out laughing.

She then walked up beside me and asked... "Sir, do we need to take this young man to jail?" The Skid's eyes got as big as baseballs.  I told her, not this time and that I think that he understands that messing up the clothes in the store and having a fit was not how he should behave.  SS jumped into the conversation with somethign along the lines of "Daddy, I won't do it again. I promise."

Kids will rise to the behavioral and performance standards that their parents set. They will also stoop the the lowest behavioral denominator when there are no clear standards.

Some of the smartest peopel I know struggle with this rather simple concept.

On my college BFFs daughter, she got kicked out of half a dozen pre-schools and a couple of Kindergartens for being a bully.  It was amazing to me that when her peers had had enough and made it clear to her that her choice to be a bully would be very painful for her, her dad went running into the school protesting that his daughter was being bullied. He called me to rant about that.  I just told him that it was about time that someone did to her what she had been doing to other kids for several years.  He got real quiet and then agreed with me.  She is living the consequences of her choices and sadly it is not her parents that are bringing the consequences. Her peers are parenting her much more painfully than her parents would even if they were good parents.

A few of them have commented on how they now understand why we raised the Skid the way we did.  They will rarely bring their kids to social events because they have failed so profoundly as parents. 

My college BFF is one of them.  His kid was a banshee screamer as a little kid and still is as an early teen.  He recently started bringing her to our usually just the two of us lunches, dinners, or get togethers for a drink.  When she is there, I pretty much have nothing to say.  He spends his time being embarrassed and trying to get her to be polite, interract, and engage.  

Recently I think he gained clarity that I have no interrest in engaging with his ill behaved spawn.  It is kind of odd that for years he would keep her away from me at seemingly all costs. His recent efforts to include her in our friend time have been less than pleasant for both of us.  I really don't care if his kid is uncomfortable about it or not.  

He is one that is a huge fan of my son and would get on my DW and I about being too stict in one breath then gush on how amazing SS was in the next breath.  He is a brilliant guy.  A true progeny level engineering intellect.  That he is so clueless about parenting boggles my mind.

I apply the same problem identification/resolution methodolgies to parenting that we applied in engineering school.  A system is a system, is a system, even if it is a system of people and even if it is child behavior related.  

But... I digress............

strssd stepmom's picture

This all makes perfect sense to me. I raised my own daughters exactly how you mentioned here. It was apparent to them at a young age that they would grow up respectful and resourceful. Some said I was too hard on them but are proud of them know that they work and are in college. No children, no record and productive members of society. 

But not this little b. Always trying to get her way and shirk punishment at everytime. I don't see how she can ever be like my daughters. She is not a lost cause just never going to reach full potential like this. 

Rags's picture

Stay the course.  When she chooses a bahavior that results in punishment, make it very clear that the punishment was her choice. 

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Ask her why she chose to be punished.  Keep asking until she makes better choices.  And keep applying escalating misery inducing consequences for her choices.

strssd stepmom's picture

This is excellent advice! I would love to put some of the onus on her directly. I don't believe children, when acting appropriately of course, need to be punished harshly over and over. But if that is what they chose based on their shi**y behavior, then so be it. 

Mdm.frustrated's picture

I've tried that too...bad behavior progresses, consequences for bad choices....zero positive change. She still does what she's not supposed to and ups it a little more. She does not give 2 poops about consequences for her decisions.

BellaPenny's picture

"Always trying to get her way and shirk punishment at everytime."

This is exactly how my stepdaughter age 16 is. Just two days ago an incident occurred where something was found in her room while at her mothers for the weekend that crossed a line with me and my husband wanted me to NOT say anything until he said OK to. Yeah, I said something to her sternly without "flipping out" (no matter how I approach nice or mad it's always this) when she got home in front of husband so he can see I'm not flipping out. She immediately got defensive and crying (why crying cuz I said one sentence sternly without raising my voice) then proceeded to stomp upstairs.
 

Husband clearly visibly not happy w me but stays silent. He goes upstairs and I overhear from laundry room him angrily say to her "I was going to talk with you about it also" (after that statement I finished loading washer and went out front) and afterwards he comes down upset and she runs out door to go to her friends house down street. He starts w me saying how his daughter is MAD AT HIM for not warning hom.  Like wth?!?! Really, mad at you for something I said to her. I get upset saying to him "that would mean you've been warning her about me saying something to her when it's needed for a long enough time in order for her to get mad at you!!" He didn't answer. Then he says how unhappy he and her are because one of my kids (he is an interior decorator and home laborer) just threw her stuff from her room into the other room (we are remodeling bedrooms) and I say "wow, so she first gets mad at you for not warning her, it is just bizarre, which is her guilt tripping n manipulative AND now also she successfully was able to pick one thing out to take the focus off of the ACTUAL DISGUSTING issue that needed to be addressed and turn it into something to do with my kid who by the way is doing the remodel on his off time for free. But let's look at that for a second, it's okay for her to have all of her dirty and clean and in between clothes all over her floors and bed where you can't even see the floor or bed and she thinks she has a right to complain about someone tossing her stuff into a room. First of all, I was up there today which is 4 days since removing her stuff, and they weren't TOSSED they were put into baskets which was then put into the other room. So now like always when she's done something wrong or said something with extreme attitude, regardless of you or I being the one to address it, we are back again fighting upset and mad at each other." 
 

I also became angry to the point where I told him "I live here to, it's our home, I do not need permission to address something with her. I do not need your permission. Understood? And I'm going to give you one heads up....I'm disengaging and this means I will not do anything for her any longer. I'll be cordial and civil, I'll provide food and drink and other basic stuff but that's as far as i go. I'm done being the one who gets ganged up on by you two every time we are here in this situation. You are afraid of upsetting her, you don't like when anyone gets her upset well here's a secret, she knows that!!! She cries every time for everything. It doesn't matter if it's when I ask her to do the one thing YOU and HER privately put in motion, the dishes daily. I ask her second time, I get "I will later, I know" then the third time I am forced to ask her is when I put my foot down. She cries to you that she had something to do or somewhere to go or she's having yet again another ailment that seems to magically go away w no help or intervention the moment you let her off over it and you just do the dishes yourself FOR her"
Again, I'm the bad guy cuz I put my foot down saying "no, now. Put phone down in living room and do the dishes. If they are done halfway cuz youre mad you'll do it until they are done the way you know is the right way. Then you get mad at me for getting stern and making her do them when she has another created headache or a all a sudden has something else she just MUST do right at that moment." 
 

I'm done with this. It's his weekend (mom gets her every other weekend only) coming up and for the first time I booked myself a hotel room suite in the town just south of us and he has no idea I'm planning on being somewhere else during those entire weekends she's not w mom. I'll tell him Friday morning. 
 

as for my stepdaughter I am saddened that she learned these tactics w her dad from her mother. Her mom did the same things to him when together AND when separated and he just did what he was told or he was manipulated into having false emotions such as "she'll be mad at me, won't let me see my daughter if I don't just comply with her every demand" now it's "she(daughter) will be mad at me and upset w me and will end up going to her moms each time so I just have to not get her mad at or upset with me" 

 

 

I Need A Bubble Bath's picture

People including DH (we don't have joint children) always commnet about how great my children are. And I often get questioned as to why SS12 acts the way he does. I always explain (I dont' care who is listening) that according to the courts in our state I have no leagal right to make decisions or discipline him, so they need to ask his mother and father. I am the 'strict' SM. The school (same school my children attended) and SS12's counsler have all told DH and BM that they should take lessons from my parenting style as SS12 is better behaved, more polite and well mannered, and and does better in class when I am invloved, but BM doesn't think any one but her knows what is best for her 'precious baby' (yes, she still calls him that at 12. 

 

I applaude your parenting style. I am an Engineer also and my focus is risk assessment and root cause analysis. I apply it to most things in my life and have learned if you understand the risk you can prevent a multitude of failure. If you miss a risk but know the true root cause you can apply stategies to prevent it in the future. 

Rags's picture

I have been an Asset Management, Maintenance and Reliability Director/Leader for much of my career.  I have acted in the role of Division Risk Champion responsible for leading the BRM process in large capital and maintenance contracts/projects.  Risk Management, PdM, RCA, FMEA, etc..... are all great tools in our profession and in assessing any asset or organizational performance optimization effort. The concepts also apply to personal relationships, parenting, etc.....  

Mechanical, electrical, and people systems are all systems that benefit from the assessments, etc... that we do.  Monitoring behavior is little different from monitoring equipment performance perameters.  When performance violates the perameters, corrective action is applied.  In my mind monitoring a human behavior, particularly Skids and others in a blended family system, is not much different than montitoring rotating equipment with ultrasonic diagnostic equipment, thermography equipment, or performing oil condition monitoring.  They are all tools and methods for monitoring potential failures and provide information for scheduling intervention prior to failure.

I can go on for days on this stuff.   I hope all is going well for you in your career.  

Shoot me a PM if you would like to network professionally. 

I am blessed to have a bride who recognizes me as her equity life partner, and as an equity parent to our son (my former SS who I raised as my own from age 2  who asked me to adopt him at 22), and who is wicked/scary smart with analytical skills that put mine to shame. Her brilliant and beautiful CPA/Auditor brain is stunning.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Never feel bad for saying that. Thank gawd my SD is now ex SD. I hated just hated who she was, and how she rolled. She was a snot faced entitled B and my sicko ex DH made her that way. I truly hope someone treats her like she treated me, even then that would not be enough. 

Whenever I read how a SM hates her SD it brings me back. I feel your pain.

 

strssd stepmom's picture

And that's the worse part. I love him so much and he is FINALLY starting to see what I'm telling him. But it's slow moving. 

 

I hope she reaps what she sows for sure. 

acef92's picture

Thaaaaaaaank god! now I know I am not alone, I hate her too, sorry but her behavior is not acceptable. Due to COVID she is at my house almost every single f*cking day! I just can't with her  

strssd stepmom's picture

You are definitely not alone. And like you said with Covid, I have to see this b EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And God knows I need a break from her smug face and crappy behavior. 

Carrieanne's picture

I have to see THREE of these b's ever single ferking day of my life while working two jobs and raising my three bio kids to NOT to be anything like these a$$holes.

step-out's picture

I totally get it! I have not disliked a young person as much as I do SD26. I can't think, speak or hear about her without cringing. She is so messed up and has had more drama than anyone I have ever met. She still wants to hold her daddy's hand - I really hate her! 

Carrieanne's picture

That's freaking weird!!!! She should NOT be holding his hand, YOU are thee only woman that should be doing that!! She's what? 26? That is soooo creepy.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I secretly feel the same way about OSD. My entire mood changes when she is present. Her voice is like nails on a chalk board. 

OSD is exactly like the girls you would see on Maury or Jerry. You watch them in disbelief that they must be acting people don't really behave that way. I can assure you they do!! 

Rags's picture

Anyone who detests their Skid probably isn't effectively keeping it a secret. Even if they never say it openly.  Kids know, so do their parents.

This is why I am a proponent of focusing on behaviors rather than feelings then applying escalating consequences as discipline for the crappy behavioral choices that kids or even adults make.  When applied consistenty and effectively, behaviors change.  As choices and behaviors improve, feelings become more positive.

Keep it simple.

strssd stepmom's picture

I'm not necessarily looking for positive feelings. I'm looking for indifference. I'd be happy with that instead. 

Rags's picture

Zero tolerance and total confrontation of inappropriate behaviors drives behavioral change. Reaching a point where you are indifferent would apparently be an acceptable imrovement for you.

Good luck. I hope you get there.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yes and yes omg I was just posting today about my beating SD11!! She is caught between wanting to be a baby and wanting to be 15 I swear to god! She is a only child to BM so you can imagine the self entitlement and the "this is MY stuff" attitude ! She is fake and clingy to DH , it's so sad to watch. She comstsbly feels the need to complete against her own siblings . But yes I can not stand my SD !! 

Jojo4124's picture

I detested my sd...it was my dh that enabled her incestuous overtures,  disrespect of me, etc. I turned my dislike toward my husband who worshipped her. 

It is soooo peaceful not having to deal with his love affair with his daughter

Stepdrama2020's picture

I so agree about the love affair. The SD was the other woman and we are supposed to be ok with it. Whenever he bought me a gift, he bought the fckg princess one. Hers was always better too. Although that is not the point, it was just more insult to injury.

So glad we are done and I never have to see her smug ugly long face again. Or his ugly face, who looks like a pedo who chases his DD. SICKENING!!!

Cheers to all who left and cheers to the ones who stay because they will need the booze to get through it.

Carrieanne's picture

I'm stuck for now because we have to young kids together:/ I drink ALOT. Hopefully he has mercy and just divorces me!!

BellaPenny's picture

I started 6 months ago after the umpteenth time of being ganged up on. Wine is my friend. *drinks*

strssd stepmom's picture

This little B tries to be a mini wife too. I check her little a$$ each chance I get. 

Oddsocks1's picture

Sometimes people are thrown together and they just aren't compatible, you can't make people to like each other. I find my BF kids very dull un interesting people and the eldest who lives with us is extremely lazy and self centred. I can honestly say if I never saw any of them again i would not miss them one bit. 

Loxy's picture

Very true! My love for my SS15 developed very slowly over time but I've never bonded with SD16 in my 14 years as a SP. We are just too different / incompatible to bond and our differences cause a lot of friction living together. I believe it will be much better when we no longer live together but I'll never like her or seek out her company - she will always just be someone I have to have in my life unfortunately. 

SusieCue's picture

I can't stand SD16 at all. She's a terrible person. I can tolerate SD11 most of the time, but she's stary to act sneaky like her sister. 

I think part of the problem is that I don't have kids (never actually wanted them) and I don't have the patience to cater to their bullshit.

strssd stepmom's picture

I have 2 older daughters and never dealt with their bs either. So I'm definitely not tolerating it from my husbands brat. Nope!

Miss T's picture

My DDs' father ruined them. OK, OK, our nasty divorce did not help, but he'd already set the rot pretty well by the time I got around to kicking his @ss to the curb. His Disney Dadding contributed substantially that long-overdue action.

Fact is, I just don't put up with much sh!t from much of anybody.

BellaPenny's picture

I have 3 older now adult boys (they were almost teens and a teen when we married) and they do not act like SD(16) does. When they were at a certain teen age they tried, like most do, to manipulate me or their dad but we shut it down immediately (we are amicable always have been, never had a custody order nor a support order, just couldn't get along being together anymore). When I started seeing SD do this, I discussed w my hushed about shutting it down, he agreed, I believed him.....then realized he never had intentions to do it. Why? Because of her trauma from moms physical and mental abuse (reason as to why court gave him full physical custody). Poor SD. Wah wah wah, I get it I really do, she's been through stuff with her mom that she shouldn't have had to gone through. BUT she's been in therapy since age 10 and still is, she's been with us full time for years, so the past which was years ago isn't an excuse to keep allowing the behaviors. I know I can't change him or how he parents but he's created the person his daughter is now by allowing the manipulation and the crying and the ganging up on me. Like he had to protect her from me. I always repeat to him what my father taught me "if your kids aren't mad at you or upset with you once in awhile then you're parenting wrong and need to change it cuz all you're doing by keeping them always happy with you is creating them to be entitied rude manipulative adults" 

 

I feel like I'm on the verge of telling my husband in the very near future "you created the stage for my next decision  im about to make. You have no one else to blame" 
 

Steptalk123's picture

Yes - you're not alone. Massively struggling here with 3 SS's. Hate one, dislike another, but get on fine with the third for the moment, at least - which makes me feel as though it can't be me that fundamentally has the problem. I don't hate them on principle, I just hate their behaviour.

strssd stepmom's picture

I would die if I had to deal with 3 of these little sh***! I only have one and I'm going crazy. 

Other Dad's picture

Yes. 

I nicknamed my SD "tumbleweed" as she is as cheerful a spirit as one. 

actually 

Lazy, mute, depressed, tumbleweed that won't get therapy. 

i have the 'pleasure' of watching her ignore, be childish to and twist facts with her mother. 

we bearly speak. That used to piss me off but now, who cares? 

Covid lockdown has been a total joy....

.....not  

 

 

MamaPTK's picture

Same boat...no judgements here. I brought my sons up to be respectful and caring. My SD is the complete opposite ...I have learned these valuable lines

When I say "Whatever." .I mean F off

When I say "You are probably right"..I mean you're an idiot who does not deserve my attention so I'm not arguing with you. 

When I say "Not my monkey not my circus". ... I mean not my concern go ask someone else

When I say "I don't know"...I mean...I just don't care.

Lolol

strssd stepmom's picture

I've tried to insult her with one word answers but she just gives me a blank stare because she doesn't understand social cues smh

StepMonster9135's picture

Yes! I don't like my youngest SD and it feels good to say it out loud. It's a constant battle and I'm sorry for this but it's how I feel. 

Kinder1's picture

While it may help to share and vocalize these feelings it won't make them go away. In fact as skids become adults it often gets worse if you can believe it. For me disengagement was the final strategy after anger, tremendous hurt, etc. maybe others can share more strategies here. I wish I knew better 18 years ago.

Kinder1's picture

These skids are angry, depressed, overindulged, ignored, hurt, ashamed, resentful, heartbroken, angry, angry, depressed. Understanding that had helped me detach with love and release my anger. Poison destroys the container it's in!

strssd stepmom's picture

That's a very powerful way to think about it. But it is true. Poison will destroy the container and the person. And yes, I do believe she will only get worse as time goes on. In fact, I anticipate it. At least as she gets older, I will feel less and less guilty about disengaging because she won't be so young. I don't necessarily feel guilty now but others try to make me feel that way. 

I Need A Bubble Bath's picture

I loath my SS12. He is a lying manipulative deceptive POS just like his BM. DH is passive and I am beginning to resent him too. I was happily single with my youngest about to graduate HS when we met. I should have stayed that way. 

 

strssd stepmom's picture

For your brutally honest assessment of her and her character. And for admitting that you are resentful of your spouse. I'm definitely getting there also. And I'm resentful that it took me 12 effin years to find a new partner and this little b**** is about to help eff this up for me. Crap!!!!!!!

BellaPenny's picture

My DH is a people pleaser and passive also. He's a good guy but it's also his downfall when dealing with manipulative persons. Sadly, he got rid of one of them his exwife and I feel more n more it's replaced now with his soon to be adult daughter. I put up with, helped with, stressed over, and did everything I could to help him remove ex wife's abuse from his life....for what? For daughter to just pick up her moms abandoned reins to do the same? If that's what he wants then he's going to find himself doing it alone and divorced, 

caninelover's picture

I can't stand Bratty McBratFace.  She is a toxic narcissist and will never change her ways, only who she inflicts her abuse on.

Miss T's picture

DH does not have a daughter, thank dog.

He does have a son. It was a long, ugly struggle to get DH to pull his nose out of SS28's rear. We'd never have made it if he'd had a daughter.

There's very good sociological research showing that in US society, a married woman stays closely connected with her natal family, while a married man is drawn away from his and into the woman's. This is the pattern in many societies worldwide. It's very common in Native American nations--for example, among the Navajo. As the saying goes, "a daughter is a daughter all of her life, but a son is a son 'til he takes him a wife."

I have seen this process take place among my own (northern European Caucasian) relatives, and I can see it taking place with SS, who lives with a "serious" girlfriend. (Quotes because I'd bet my last dollar that SS is tomcatting around, and that his behavior will eventually end the relationship, but that's another story.) DH did not anticipate and doesn't really understand his son's shifting loyalties and it saddens him, but I am thrilled.

My deepest sympathies to anyone who has an SD.

 

Hadenough34's picture

Hell Yes!!!  

  I hate my 32 year old entitled, bitchy, moody & childish step daughter!!!  Easy for me to say when you gotta deal with her every damn day & she lives with you.  If she grew up with my family, my dad would’ve kicked her out quickly & with no problem.  Then you gave respect or you’d be gone.

  With Covid she’s been around even more, but that has gotta better.  Can’t wait till she has to fend for herself in the real world soon.  Looking forward to that after what’s put me through!!!  After she’s out, I will be so happy!!!  

Guilfoyle's picture

She is 32 and still living at home?

Mostthanklessjobever's picture

I won't use the word hate but I will say I loathe both SD24 and SD21.  If only I knew what I know now 16 years ago I would have run.  I disengaged 3 years ago, best decision ever.  Things still happen but at least they are out from under our roof.

Rags's picture

A mate owes their partner a commitment that includes insulating their relationship as much as possible from drama generated by any failed family baggage that may be in play.  Whether that baggage is resident in the new relationship home or long launched into adulthood.  

IMHO the most critical success factor is delivering firm boundaries for kids on behaving respectfully and complying with standards of behavior and performance within the context of the blended family frame work whether the Skids are minor... or even more critically... if they are adults.

malantlep's picture

Your not the only one feeling that way about a step child. I love my wife dearly but her oldest son has really driven a wedge and i got to where i cant stand him at all. All i want is for him to be out of my house ASAP! I have been unhappy and depressed and blood pressure through the roof from being pissed when i go home from work. There has been no romance for over a year now because im always so mad at home and dont want to be around anyone. Its pretty much like she is my roomate now and i dont know if ill ever get those feelings back at this point. That kid has really caused me to not want any part of their life. I dont like getting to this point but i can honestly say i hate that kid! Like another poster above i dont want anything bad to happen to him but once hes out of my house i dont care where he ends up and will do absolutely NOTHING to help him or let him move back into my home even if he is homeless. I know it sounds terrible but i need my sanity back. 

Trust me...your not the only one with those feelings about a step kid.

BellaPenny's picture

SD is doing the same. The wedge is getting bigger each time DH and SD gang up on me because god forbid I tell her nicely the first two times to do the dishes or clean up after herself. If I have to say it for third time, I'm stern and not budging w her. 

Bex_S's picture

I could go on all day about why I hate the step brat. Her manipulation, self-centredness, entitlement, histrionics, lies, her abhorrent hygiene, vacuous, superficial personality and just plain stupidity have driven me insane for the past 5 years. What I'd give to never have to see her face again. It's taken a lot of shit for me to get to this point but I'm well and truly done with her.

Other Dad's picture

SD was born pretty. So that's one positive, I guess....

She can't interact with anyone more than a few (one?) year(s) older than herself. So just her high school friends  (how is that going to work in real life?)

she is lazy 

She is rude to her Mom (just flicks though Instagram while BM tries to talk to her)

won't say thanks if shown how to do something 

she's depressed so there is a black cloud around her. (But she won't go to therapy....)

she's a "feminist" but wears skimpy clothes and wants all men (except the buff ones) not to look. 

like I said she was born pretty, er....

well - that's it I suppose....

Dogmom1321's picture

YES. I don't even know where to start. Obviously, I didn't ALWAYS feel this way. If so, I would have never gotten involved with DH in the first place. SD was 5 when we met. She has always been a "difficult child" but had some endearing qualities at the time. Playful, appreciative, and recognized my efforts as a SM. Over the years, I feel that her true colors came out and her BMs toxic behavior just rubbed off on her. 

She is manipulative, lazy, not hygenic, and just a joy kill. Constantly complaining about everything. How life isn't fair. And telling DH what he needs to buy her next. She is just miserable to be around. It's impossible to do anything as a family with her attitude. DH doesn't even attempt to do one-on-one activities with her anymore. The whole mood of the house shifts when she is here. SD11 doesn't have any of DHs qualities or values. Her personality is like BMs to a T. I think this is why it's almost impossible for her to get along with DH and I. It's like living with a stranger. 

SD wants to go live with BM next school year. I know it would be hurt DHs feelings, which would make me sad for him, but I honestly think it would be best for EVERYONE. Sad, but oh so true. 

NicoleRB's picture

I have tried everything to forge a relationship with my SD12 but because I am not her BM and her Dad chose me she will forever act like she is miserable around me and my sons. I am not a fan. I feel your pain. 

I Need A Bubble Bath's picture

I hate my SS12. I can not stand to be in the same room with him. DH has primary custody with BM having everyother weekend. He comes from her house acting like the devil's spawn (lying, deceitful, no manners, disrespectful, rude, etc) and she is welfare crack-whore who would make the world a better place if she got hit by a bus. I don't even try to fix him any more because I would spend the first week getting him back to normal, and the second week stressed out about what new and improved crap he was goig to be exposed to during visit with BM. To SS, BM hung the moon and few stars. 

Disengaging was the best thing I have done. 

SAM_VUIN's picture

It's OK to vent about your horrible step.   They are probably self-centered and dreadful to be around.   My 16YO certainly is...at least much of the time.

I'm really hoping it'll be better when she goes off to college and our visits can be limited to the amount of time we get along &  want to be around each other.

SAM_VUIN's picture

If it makes anyone feel better - it can be much worse.   My 16YO SD's father passed away last year so we get the "joy" of her being with us EVERY WEEKEND!!   YAY!  (Not.)

ImFreeAtLast's picture

I should hate AdultSkid. I'm not certain I feel hatred. I feel fear, anxiety, anger, distress. I see some scumbag punk the same age with the same disgusting hygiene from a distance and I get tunnel vision worried it is AdultSkid. I wish we could move far far away. AdultSkid intentionally tried to sabotage my marriage and family. Caused drama and strife with his tantrums, called my names. Took things that belonged to me. Stole treats meant for the family. AdultSkid is just disgusting. Doesn't work. Just plays videogames with his idiot friends online. 

Tenn9lov's picture

I never have to see my adult SD again. I would definitely hate her if DH had chosen her over me, but he didn't. After years of her abuse, I gave DH an ultimatum... Evil Devils Spawn or me and our son. He chose me and our son. It's been 21 months since we've seen her and 9 months since DH has spoken to her. 

numb87's picture

Absolutely cannot STAND my stepdaughter. And the kids only 8! Don't feel bad. It's okay not to not like someone. Sure it's not a polite thing to say about a kid in civilised society but don't feel bad. Don't let it eat you up. If your partner had to have a mean random kid they have no connection with move in with them they would feel the same.  My advice is just accept the hate and move on. Give them as much respect as you'd give any kid. Respect is important. But don't fall over yourself trying to love her. Love yourself!

Caitlyn's picture

YES! I have two stepkids (I wish I got with my husband before he had kids! Huge regret now) One is an angel. The other is a demon, I swear! I can't stand her and neither can my husband! She is so badly behaved literally ALL THE TIME! She's so, so nasty to everyone, including her little sister. She punches people, she punched me in the stomach when she first met me!! Luckily that was before I was pregnant!

Jade123's picture

Nah , hate is a feeling, love is a feeling and I have no feelings towards the brat, none, nothing at all...

For years now,

stepmomnorth's picture

2 skids. Been trying at having a nice relationship with them for 6 years. Buying food they like to make nice snacks they'd enjoy, helped oldest with their resume, buying birthday gifts and making them birthday cakes each year, trying to get out and active with them on hikes, shopping etc.

They've treated their grandparents who love them with disrespect. Their grandmother tried to take them back to school shopping. Rather than say thanks they begg her for more then what she bought. They throw a tantrum simply cause they don't want to see their grandparents who care about them.

Their dad has cancer and he just lost his father. They treat him and myself (SM) like garbage. They are rude to us, non stop complaints about dinners, food in the house, rules etc. Not much in the way shown for gratitude or thanks. Youngest is constantly rude to me (challenges every single little thing I say). Youngest throws tantrums when we try to get them outside of the home and when they don't like the dinner we made. Oldest skid just had a yelling rant where they screamed at me to F off, while 1 inch away from my face. Got the "you're not my real mom, you are only my dads girlfriend." Deep down I am thinking... I am glad that I am not your mom, but of course did not relay that info. Bio mom let's them do literally whatever they want, including drugs, no bedtime, late for school, not doing any online school when it was available. 

Rbm2019's picture

My SS is absolutely awful. He doesn't listen, is disrespectful, and feels entitled to everything. He is in grade K now. Apparently he's been having issues at school with not listening, disrespecting the teacher and school materials, and today he punched a kid in the stomach. My husbands version of discipline is to talk about his feelings and give him his switch to okay games on. According to my husband it's always someone else's fault. 

stepmomnorth's picture

Always someone elses fault theory drives me nuts as well. Like it could never be their kid. Like the kid doesn't get along with anyone at all, but it is everyone elses fault! 

Phil-L's picture

Completely agree. My SD is the same. Always got an answer for everything and never takes responsibility or ownership of anything. Although she is 15 she acts like she is five. 

Dizzytorch's picture

My SD is 18- almost 19 and let me tell you!! I have been with her mom for 10 years, just celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary. She's lived with us the entire time, and I literally can't wait for her to move out! She's so very rude, has absolutely no regard for anything but herself, and literally, all I have to do is look at her and I get pissed off. I have tried to make a relationship with her, I've done all the things I would do if she were my daughter. However, the only time she "likes" me is when I buy stuff. I've stopped buying things just because, because if that's the only way you're gonna like me, to hell with you. Her father is a Hollywood dad, buys her  everything she wants. Her mom just says that she will learn in time, but she's such a material person, I don't think she will. 

I literally have no where else to vent, so I'm so glad I found this site!

PinkSuperMom's picture

I raised my boys a certain way. They are polite, respectful young men. SO is raising 13yo grandson. He is not as horrible as some of the skids I read about here. But SO doesnt enforce any household rules. Just says he is raising GS to be able to work and make a living. Never mind GS is messy and disrespectful to my SO (his grandpa). I am trying disengaging, but what about the messes and such? I cant say a word or SO gets mad at me.

25stars's picture

She's close to the worst human being that I have ever met. 
the only person that out ranks her is her narcissistic mother. 

harmony98's picture

I cant stand the skids as they are all just so much like the BM.  MAKES my blood boil.

Tried soooo hard for 16 years my 17th year is dissengagement central. is liberating.

shamds's picture

Eldest sd even banged on our bedroom door early hours of the morning as a 23yr old because she wanted to get a bag of sugar for her aunt when our 1 & 2 yr old were sleeping and hubby was having sex with me at the time.

i made it clear to hubby then there was never gonna be another trip with them present in me and our kids lives every again.

the level of disrespect of boundaries/privacy etc is astounding. My husband loves our sex life too much to cater to their bullshit so of course prioritises us but there are always moments he caves in to their lies and bullshit behaviour

Phil-L's picture

I feel the same as you guys. I can't tell you what a relief it is to find out it's not just me. My SD has no boundaries. Her mother provides no boundaries and the SD just treats her like she's the child . It's embarrassing. Anything day is ignored. I am ignored when I speak to her which I find humiliating. Yet, if I disengage with her, I fear that it will make her worse.

i am 57 and don't need this level of stress in my life. 

Loxy's picture

Your mental health must come first. I think you need to take back control and disengage, how SD reacts to that is her problem. 

Cellar_Buyer's picture

Hi everyone. This is my first time posting here and this thread caught my eye straight away.

I've had to endure my partner's rancid little 23yo daughter for the last 5 years. She is easily one of the most contemptuous, insolent, self-obsessed, insufferable and altogether poisonous and unpleasant people I've ever had the misfortune to know.

She is literally bereft of any redeeming characteristics at all, there is nothing about her which I don’t find utterly repulsive. I absolutely hate her. 

Rags's picture

Not an uncommon experience in the blended family world.  The sadder thing IMHO is the  people who stay with the idiot parents that created these failed family curs.

CLove's picture

Same.

Add to this shes dirty, lazy, disgusting, mean, and not that bright.

Stepdrama2020's picture

You aint alone. I despised the toxic, snot nosed, POS, spoiled, entitled ex SD. I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy to have this wretched snake as their SD. Oh I forgot to add she is also a B to the max LOL

Welcome mine is an ex SD and to this day I have PTSD from this trauma.

Notthedoormat's picture

SD is definitely not my favorite person....fortunately she lives about 4 hours away. If I had to deal with her more,  it would be horrible. 

She's manipulative, she lied ans blamed my daughter when they were caught with cigarettes (my daughter accepted full blame, but later told me the truth and SD now smokes openly). She was anorexic/bulemic and would want dinner at a nice restaurant,  and would go throw up after her soup or salad,  after the entree, and then would order dessert and throw up again.  She loved how worried about her her dad was.

I got her a birthday cake and she then decided she didn't like chocolate,  but I've watched her eat chocolate cake since then. She piled dishes in the sink for me to deal with after I got home from work, she wanted more and more when we would go shopping,  she didn't take care of nice things we got her. She acted like her mom was always broke and couldn't afford to take her to get glasses (that she won't wear)...

And now she's 20, married with a baby, and lives with her mom. The husband is only 19 and immature.  They go through money like its water and can't seem to save anything. She doesn't work. 

I am just grateful she doesn't live closer. 

I've tried so hard with her, but she doesn't seem to want a relationship with me. I know what its like to be a stepdaughter and I've taken that into consideration because I've never wanted to be the evil step mother,  and I still don't think I am.

She had just turned 15 when I met her and it doesn't seem she's ever had warm feelings for me, either.

I do hope she gets a handle on life and does well, especially since she has a child.

CH9341's picture

I'm new here and this was refreshing to read. My SD is 15 and it's been a long 8 years with her. I've tried to develop a relationship but she pushes every person away. Except her dad. I'm at a loss with what to do next 

Stepdrama2020's picture

That a forum topic on "I Hate My SD" has over 100 comments. 

Im sure it can get to 200 no problemo.

There is nothing worse than being in a marriage or relationship with a third party . What makes it even worse is when it is his daughter. She aint going no where, and you will always be the interloper. Cause big daddio has known her longer and the famous line he gives "but she is my daughter"     Creepy really.