I don’t want anything to do with his child .
I’ve never wanted to be a step mother . I’ve purposely avoided men with kids because I know I’ll never be able to bond with their child and I have my own idea of the type of family I want and someone else’s child and me being a step parent doesn’t fit in that vision at all . I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and about a year into our relationship he found out via dna testing he has a kid . The kid is 5 now.
It absolutely broke my heart when I found out he has another child and now I resent the child greatly . I feel like him and his mother ruined my life and the plans we had set already . He wants to be a good father to the little boy which I support completely but I absolutely positively CAN NOT stand being around him . When he calls my boyfriend dad it makes my skin crawl and my blood boil . I don’t know why tho it just does. I wish I didn’t feel that way but I just can’t help it . I don’t even want to be around him and honestly my boyfriend is less attractive when I see him on daddy duty which I think is weird because women usually like that. I’ve seriously tried to reason with the situation and convince myself my feelings are wrong and selfish but they just won’t go away . The kid doesn’t comes around too often and we don’t talk about him. My boyfriend can tell that I don’t like his son by my energy when ever he’s around but I’m never mean to his child it has caused a few arguments tho . I’ve expressed my unhappiness with this situation to him he just says it will take some time to adjust to because it’s new for us both , but I can pretty much tell I’ll never like the fact that he has another kid . I don’t want my kid calling him big brother nor his child calling my son his little brother. I don’t want to attend anything that has anything to do with his child . I told him I’d rather he just spend time with his son without me around . That tends to bother him a little that I don’t want to be engaged but he just says ok. I really love my child’s father but I don’t think I’ll ever get on board with the step mom thing . (Not to mention his kid has said some pretty messed up stuff to me which kinda put the nail in that coffin and idc if his dad made him apologize either.) With me being 7 months pregnant with a baby we purposely planned and were going to make his Jr, I can’t help but constantly think about just taking my son and leaving when he’s born . Like I said I don’t want him calling my son his brother . I don’t want my child’s father taking pics with my son and his other kid calling them brothers for all his family on social media and etc to see. I don’t want his family looking for both his kids to be at events together etc . He says he wants the little boys last name changed. That makes me not even want to make my son a Jr and have the same last name as THEM . It’s sooo FRUSTRATING feeling this way .! We’ve discussed marriage but I don’t see that being possible anymore . I don’t know what To do . I want to raise my unborn with his father who I know will be a great father to him but at the same time I’m so bothered by this extra child that has ruined our life plan I want to just leave him to father his already born child . I feel like crap and idk what i should do ughhh.
Ok I may be able to offer a
Ok I may be able to offer a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. I have at 13 yr old daughter, she has an older brother and an older sister so they were my step children before she was born.
I couldn't stand that they existed, I would avoid them at all costs, everything about them just annoyed me and I certainly didn't want them being part of my little family.
Until my daughter was born. They loved her and in turn I fell in love with them. I wanted them around, I wanted her to be close to them growing up. Truly when you have your own child you just love them so much you want the best for them and if you see ss doting on your baby you will see him in a different light I think.
Me and dd dad are long broken up but I still stay in touch with those kids today and they are in their 20's now.
I hope that’s the case . At
I hope that’s the case . At one point his child completely wrote off the fact I’m pregnant and even told me my kid wouldn’t be related to him . That was only one of the mean things he’s said but recently his dad talked to him and he says he “loves his little brother “ what would be your advice if nothing changes after I give birth . Do you think I should just leave the relationship . My child’s father says that the relationship between him and this child and our child won’t be the same , because the other kid lives with mom and he only comes over on some weekends and our child will be around everyday . I’m really hoping this all turns out well without me looking like a
MONSTER
You're not a monster. I've
You're not a monster. I've just ended a 3 year relationship purely because I couldn't accept his 6 year old. Some people have it in them to be a step mum but I think it takes a very secure person to be able to step up to the plate. I didn't have it in me. The difference between the 2 relationships was the dad's, the first dad was a good dad but I was a priority. The one I've just ended with was a Disney dad and I literally ceased to exist when sd was around.
So alot of it has to do with how your oh balances both relationships with you and ss and eventually with your child aswell. It really is on him to make it work but unfortunately that is out of your control.
Taking into consideration what your ss said about no being related..... it sounds like you've got your hands full. Without knowing the full situation I don't want to tell you I think you should leave. But I will say don't waste years being a second class citizen to a child that isn't yours. You deserve and should expect to be a priority. If your needs aren't being met and you and your child are placed on the back burner for ss...you know what you need to do, it doesn't get any better.
He tries to balance it pretty
He tries to balance it pretty well . Maybe after birth soon my hormones and emotions will level out a little more and I’ll be able to get a grip on the situation and if it’s still bad then yea I know what i have to do . So glad I found this site *yes3* I really don’t feel like much of an A****** now lol
Definitely see it through
Definitely see it through till after the birth you may well feel very differently. You're not an a****** you're human. Not many people want to share their weekends with a child that isn't theirs. Kids are annoying to their own parents sometimes let alone to someone who's not!
exactly.!!
exactly.!!
You're in a tough spot.
If I'm understanding this correctly, you thought you were involved with a child-free guy, decided to get pregnant and then found out after you were pregnant that he has a child from a past relationship? If that's the case, I truly feel sympathy for you, which I rarely do on this site. You knew what you wanted and there was a curveball coming you couldn't have seen.
Obviously, if you weren't pregnant I would say get out of there. In your case, I think you should focus on your baby, disengage from SS, and see how your feelings shift once the baby is born. I am not a proponent of staying together just because of a child, but in your situation there is much to consider. Do you want your child to have a father? Is BF a good father? If you leave him, you will now be the person with the baggage of a child as you date moving forward. That will turn off a lot of men, much like you are turned off now. Are you willing to be alone? Again, a lot to think about. I think it's best if you take a breath, disengage and get through the next 6-8 months and see where you are.
yes correct . not exactly a
yes correct . not exactly a relationship between the mother and my boyfriend. But yes I had always steered clear of men with children and i ended up And this curveball was a real punch in the gut for me . If I wasn’t pregnant I would definitely end the relationship with a heavy heart but without regret in the long run I believe . I’ve been searching the internet for a while now and have grown fond of the idea of disengagement . It’s just that I’m on maternity leave we live together and I don’t leave the house much so I need to figure out an apporprtway to do that .. As far as our son goes he’s been amazing preparing for our son and he’s still excited about him being born and experiencing pregnancy and child birth for the first time . Never misses an appointment. And although the relationship with him and his son bothers me when he does talk about him and his concerns of being a bad father to him I really respect his outlook on fatherhood and I’m lookin forward to seeing him raise our child . I will definitely try to disengage I’m just not working right now I don’t have friends and I don’t do much so I’m having a hard time figuring out how to do that .
If it’s a deal breaker, then
If it’s a deal breaker, then it’s a deal breaker. You knew going in that you didn’t want to be with a man who had kids, and there is nothing wrong with that.
It would be more selfish to stay in this relationship feeling the way you do, then it would be to leave. The relationship has changed in a way that’s unacceptable to you, and it’s OK to feel that way.
so much truth in that . It’s
so much truth in that . It’s just I’m almost due I really do love him. He’s also shown that he’s going to be a wonderful and engaged father to our child he’s been taking care of us and everything since I’ve been on maternity leave . It’s just a curveball that was so unexpected .
Yeah, I missed that you were
Yeah, I missed that you were pregnant, that changes things.
I’ve been married 4.5 yrs to hubby
ss does not acknowledge the daughter and son i had with his dad aged 3.5 & 2. He told his dad to not force him to be affectionate to his siblings... all his dad asked was don’t ignore your siblings like they don’t exist which is how he’s treated me.
Sd’s aged 23 & 14 are much the same. They live in another state and only reinitiated contact with their dad mid last year about 5.5 years after being kidnapped by bio mum... its been about 10 months since they made any contact. They never come to us for visits. We’re told and demanded to go to them despite sd23 capable of driving...
dysfunctional skids don’t understand the basics of a normal healthy relationship. They don’t have that nurturing loving and social bond. Seeing the 3 skids together is absolute torture. They don’t even talk like siblings. If the full siblings can’t barely manage a relationship themselves and talk normally to one another, what hope is there for them with half siblings....
they make it easy for my kids to want nothing to do with them growing up
Something to think about...
Something to think about... if you do leave... nothing to say he wouldn't have more later on. Instead of an older surprise half brother, he could end up with 3 other younger half siblings...
And a stepmom. And
And a stepmom. And stepsiblings. And possible half-siblings if OP were to get married again.
OP, I am extremely sympathetic to your plight, and that of your SO. I'm assuming he wasn't even aware of the possibility he had a son until he got that fateful phone call/text message/letter in the mail/court summons. And if I had to venture a guess, I'd assume he was tracked down solely for the child support and as a free weekend babysitter. Not because BM felt the need for him to get to know his father, but to use him to her advantage.
I'm sure logically you know this little boy didn't do this to you. And some of what he has said (like your baby not being a sibling) is probably a combination of a child without understanding being blunt and BM prattling on in his ear in the background. Nearly all 5 year olds aren't malicious, but they are parrots. If your SO is addressing it with him, that's the best that can be done.
Life doesn't always happen how we want despite our best planning. Curveballs get thrown left and right. I never anticipated getting divorced from my XH, and I never anticipated marrying someone who never went to college and had been a teen dad. But here I am with my wildly successful teen dad, college dropout DH who, while has many faults and enough baggage to start his own airport, is a good partner with some pretty great qualities.
This situation isn't going away. Even if you leave, your child will live through this with their father. I'm not saying you shouldn't leave, but think about where you'll be on the other side. Have you tried talking to a counsellor regarding your feelings? Read any stepparenting books on how to cope? Coming here is a good step, but you will likely need someone who can work with you one-on-one through your feelings.
Again, this sucks, but this is life. It's messy and rarely goes according to plan. It's okay to be upset that it didn't go as you'd hoped. Now it's time to fix your perspective, start a new dream, or move along.
I hear ya girl, I never, ever
I hear ya girl, I never, ever, EVER wanted to be involved with a man with children. I got involved with my DH thinking it wouldn't go anywhere, yet here I am 5 years later, married and a BK of our own. As much as I love my DH & our BK, sometimes I could smack myself for getting involved with him. Even when it's good, being a SM sucks.
Honestly, you might never feel any differently than you do now. You went into this relationship thinking this guy had no kids, then boom... instant 5 year old skid. I'd lose it if a surprise skid showed up on my doorstep like that. I've point blank told him that if a kid from his past showed up on our doorstep saying 'I'm the kid you didn't know you had', he'd be on his own with it. I already deal with the drama & chaos (and expense) of having 3 stepkids & 2 baby mama's, no way in hell am I adding another BM or skid to the mix when I never wanted this for myself in the first place.
I feel for you. I really, really do. You need to be honest with yourself if this is something you can handle in the long run, though. You might learn to love skid in your own way with time, especially if your son loves him & wants to be around him, but you might never feel that way & that's ok too. Find a way to make it liveable for yourself. If that's not possible, don't be afraid to plan your exit.
I’m REALLY hoping and
I’m REALLY hoping and counting on being able to get past the hard feelings if not I know I will definitely have to make an exit and start over on my own . I’m sure he will still be there for his child. Just today he made a comment to his family member saying we will have more kids Nd I just screamed don’t be too sure about that In my head .!