How does this work?
the short: I have been with dh and ss since ss was 5.5. He is now turning 15. Since day 1 bm has had a hatred like you would not believe. She and I have had several run ins when we lived in the same state and she def is very 2 faced. "So glad we're a team" all the while force feeding ss the "your dad married her not you". "You don't have to listen to her" etc.
bm is a pos. She is 36 ish and still lives in the basement of her emotionally abusive parents and has visitation with BOTH her children. Her daughter's are supervised dues to abuse.
We have fought court battles and dealt with ss lying, cheating, stealing, etc. we moved states away so ss could grow up around dh's fam since dh has custody. Ss has / had appeared to settle in nicely. We all were communicating, including bm. Now I do not trust her as far as I can throw her but, it is for the betterment of ss so I can be the bigger person.
After MANY ups and downs and enough crazy and hate to last a lifetime, I am over it. My father passed about a year ago and something in me switched. I no longer felt that I had the energy to give to fight this fight. Ss is about to be 15 and soon to drive. He can certainly decide whether or not to be a prick to me?!
So, last summer I let both bm and dh know that I would no longer tolerate such behavior. That I would not sugar coat with ss anymore and would do as I see fit. Example: ss does not want to use his phone properly? I took his phone. Bm can not say anything because she barely pays cs, dh agreed with my decision. The end. Or so I thought.
BM and I had words for the last time last week. I have sense blocked her and her family from any form of contact. Dh stood up for me and let bm know that all dealings wiill be with him and she knows how much she enjoys that. Let her know that it is unacceptable for her to speak to me how ever she wants and that he agreed that ss should show me respect while in our HOME.
This to me is GREAT! Finally!!! Here's the dilemma. Ss is gone for 6 weeks over the summer. I have no desire to hear stories or whatever about how good or bad his trip is. I listen but do not engage in the convo with dh. My confusion is when ss comes back! I have no problem going on about my marry way and not giving a crap that ss is even home. I just wonder how toxic this will be for my marriage? It breaks my heart to know that dh has to now know our house is divided because of HIS son and BM. It is one thing while ss is not here but again, he is literally gone 8/9 weeks out of a YEAR! He is ALWAYS around. Which I know is better for him because bm is toxic but what about ME /US?
Now I can not speak on behalf of dh on how he will take the separation between me and ss because it has not really happened before. I guess what I am really after is a: Does anyone have any input on how disengaging works when ss is with you full time? I am having a really hard time with "a house divided". I know all situations are unique, I just can't see this playing out!