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How Do I Disengage When DH travels for work?

Searchingforpeace's picture
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It has long been on my mind that I need to step back and disengage. I have an 11yo SS, my DH and I have been married three years (together for 7) and share an almost 2yo son. We have 50/50 custody of SS. My DH and bio mom were never married and started 50/50 custody when SS was 6 months old. My DH is a commercial pilot and is often out of the state for work on the days we have SS. As a result I find myself in a peculiar role, a single step mom. We have SS Saturday-Tuesday so that means I'm navigating all weekend activities with an unruly 11yo in tow. Please hear me when I say I empathize with my SS. I grew up in a loving home with two parents, we moved once when I was 6 and I have so many happy memories of a very stable childhood. SS has moved more times than I can count and has more adults running his life than is healthy (bio mom, step dad, bio dad, me, maternal grandparents, paternal grandparents) it's a whole mess of different rules and expectations. He has developed a coping mechanism of just waiting us out because he knows his time with any one parent is limited and if he can just wait us out he won't have to do xyz. He is failing all academic subjects in school and is really struggling socially. My heart breaks for him when I really sit back and reflect but in the moments dealing with someone who is clearly failing and doesn't care makes me want to pull my hair out. Today he sat at our dining table for 5 hours and typed three sub par sentences about Steph Curry (a topic he chose!) I should add that I myself am an educator and take his failing harder than the average person. He is not unintelligent but he doesn't care one bit. I can't make him care. His mom ignores school until it's dire. She then does his homework for him and resubmits everything online. I fear raising an 18 year old who is incapable because he checked out of school in 6th grade who will then boomerang back into our homes with no skills to be successful. I would LOVE to set the boundary that SS can only come over when DH is home but DH is afraid biomom will come For child support if he does that. I feel stuck, frustrated, and riddled with guilt. I love my own child with every fiber of my being. I have endless patience for him but I don't have even a shred of that for my SS. He should be raised by parents who feel that way about him, not a stepmom who feels obligated. Any advice to make me feel more sane and less like a monster would be greatly appreciated.

smto2kids's picture

 You shouldn't be the one primarily taking care of SS. However if your DH works on weekends and his work schedule changes constantly, it's going to be difficult finding a custody arrangement which allows him to be present at all times when SS is there. BM is just sticking to the custody arrangement and taking him only during her time.

Who used to take care of SS before you were in the picture? Maybe dad can find other arrangements like he did before?  It's a difficult situation. Ideally both parents shoul make arrangements to make time for the kid.

Searchingforpeace's picture

My MIL took care of him before me, she still has him often if I'm working while my husband is away but never on the weekends. I always have weekends off and DH hardly ever does. My MIL is lovely but she has 10 grandchildren and is in her mid 70's. I worry it would damage my relationship with her and subsequently my bio son's relationship with her if I refused to have him alone. I made the mistake of allowing this behavior years ago and now it's expected. It really wasn't until I became a mom myself that I began to see how sad it must be to be dependent on someone who doesn't have that mama love for you. I want my husband and his ex to deal with it. They chose to have a baby together 11 years ago, they should raise him. DH works on school things with him when he is home but this week for example, I had SS alone. Bio mom texted Friday night with a list of assignments SS was to complete over the weekend that he didn't do in school that week. It fell on me because I'm the warm body at home. 

smto2kids's picture

Do you think one week on/ week off or 2 weeks on/ 2 weeks off would be better for you? It's still 50/50 so no child support, you'll have some weekends off and maybe you won't have to spend so much time alone with SS. maybe it'll be better for SS too as he'll spend  longer at every house.

Searchingforpeace's picture

I've wondered this myself. That would also help alleviate his whole "wait us out" strategy if he had to spend a solid chunk of time with any one family. He has severe attachment issues and I get why. He's always being shuffled around. Missing someone doesn't serve him or he'd be sad every few days. It's all so heartbreaking 

notarelative's picture

. Bio mom texted Friday night with a list of assignments SS was to complete over the weekend that he didn't do in school that week.

How convent for BM. She can ignore his academics all week and push them off on you. 
This is unstainable. Dad's house cannot be the weekend only academic enforcer. 

smto2kids has a good point about custody time. A change in how custody time might help. At the very least it would stop BM from foisting academic enfircement onto dad's house.

smto2kids's picture

Yeah it looks like neither one of the parents wants to do the actual work and spend time parenting their child. That's why I suggested that schedule, it's the most "fair" IMO and OP won't have SS dumped on her every weekend.

Searchingforpeace's picture

It's been this way since kindergarten. I'd have a huge unfinished packet to drag him through over the weekend because they didn't touch it during the week. As a teacher I already struggle with my self worth. In a profession where people expect you to work for free, spend your own money, and sacrifice your sanity "for the kids" it's a hard expectation to shake. I need to focus on the facts though, our current arrangement isn't helping SS thrive, he's failing miserably so a change needs to happen.

Winterglow's picture

I think you have a pretty crappy agreement there - you never get a weekend off? That is appalling!

If your DH is at home more during the week, it would make sense to swap the agreement so that BM gets SS at the weekend. It seems to me that this change is overdue! 

As for her sending a list of assignments that he didn't do ... It's her job to make sure that he does his homework during the week, she doesn't get to treat you like his personal tutor. Don't do it. Let him take the list back to his mother's with him and let them sort it out between them.

Finally, go to the child support caculator for your state and enter the relevant figures to find out how much child support you'd be looking at if BM decides she wants money from him. At least then you'll know the price of your misery... Remember that, even if you have to pay child support to BM, that you will also be saving money on what SS costs you when he's with you (food, utilities, etc.). 

Searchingforpeace's picture

You make very valid points. I will look into the CS calculator. As it is now she could come to us for money because DH makes more than her. She hasn't ever brought it up so my husband bends over backwards to keep her happy. He's fine inconveniencing me but terrified to upset her. It's exhausting 

Winterglow's picture

It's time to make him more afraid of upsetting you than upsetting her. Has he considered that he could find himself paying CS to two women if he doesn't find a solution? 

Betterhalf's picture

Your custody schedule needs to change or your husband's work schedule needs to change. You have been picking up your DH's slack all these years so there will definitely be some pushback. I've been there and my husband is also a pilot. We got full custody of my YSS and SD when they were in HS and it was so hard. At the time DH was gone 2-3 nights per week.  I had a difficult conversation with DH where I told him his schedule had to change. They were not my kids and it was not my job to parent them half the time (BM had no visitation). He switched to turns (one day trips) for a few years which he was not happy about since it was a 2 hr commute to the airport but he made it work bc he knew he had to. I work full time and we had a baby in the midst of all the drama and I just couldn't do it.  
 

SS and SD were both difficult in different ways. SS was like yours, did not care one bit about school. I basically just disengaged from anything that caused conflict. Bc it was not my job to parent. Failing freshman year bc you can't be bothered to do the work? Oh well, not my circus not my monkeys, just understand you are not living here past 18 if you aren't in school. I made sure there was food in the fridge and dinner made when DH was working late. I gave rides if I was available.  If they asked me nicely for something that I was able to do, I would do it. If they acted like entitled brats, I said no. A lot. Other than that I left all the parenting to DH, the actual parent. I know he would have loved to have had more help from me. But he never actually wanted my opinion, he just wanted me to do things his way and "not be so harsh" on the poor CODs who were turning my home into a war zone.  So I said "hell, no" to that and disengaged. 
 

Just because you are an educator doesn't mean you have to be in charge of SS's school work. You are allowed to say no. I would recommend you put it back on your DH. He is the parent, and many of us here have learned the hard way that you just cannot care more than the bio parent. If he doesn't care enough about SS to change his schedule and spend more time with him, why should you?  And if money is tight, why isn't he applying to the major airlines, who are all hiring? 
 

change will not be easy. You are picking up the slack for both parents so why would they want to change? It will be difficult to put those responsibilities back where they belong. But IMO it will be worth it in the end. Good luck

Searchingforpeace's picture

Thank you! A fellow pilot wife step mom! I haven't ever met another in my same shoes. We're about an hour away from his base airport. He's always seeming to start over to progress his career. Commuting, then he'd get to a closer base, then he'd upgrade, lose his seniority and have to commute, get a better base then get a new job at a better airline. All of this makes having any control over his schedule really tough. Eventually he wants to sit long call reserve so he'd likely be home more but his years of "paying his dues" are wearing on us all. I have to fight back feelings of real anger towards him at times. The thoughts of "how dare he seek 50/50 custody when he knows he travels so often" creep in more frequently than I care to admit. Especially now that I am a mom, I would be livid to find my son was being raised by his current wife. Now bio mom and I are not cut from the same cloth and I think she welcomes the break she gets half the week. It's all so hard, lots of moving parts 

Betterhalf's picture

The seniority based rules are tough. But I think he's going to have to work the system bc he has a kid that he is 100% responsible for 50% of the time. If he changes his base can his schedule improve? DH's base has more junior people so he was able to hold a decent schedule even as an FO. And he put off upgrading to captain for a few years (with us taking a $ hit) because as a junior captain his schedules were a lot worse.  
 

has your DH thought about switching from domestic to international? Or downgrading aircraft where he would have more seniority? Less money maybe but a better schedule? and then picking up premium trips on off days to offset the pay cut? There are a lot of trade offs in the aviation life. Does he have a time frame for getting to hold a long call reserve bid?  At DH's carrier only the most senior people can hold that schedule.  
 

or the other option is to change the custody schedule. If your DH has to work weekends and you have SS every weekend that is ridiculous!  I think your DH has to pick his poison. Fix his work schedule or fix his custody schedule.

Searchingforpeace's picture

True there are a lot of changes DH could make to his schedule. He's always been very one track minded, he hates commuting and would pick convenience for himself over working to align his schedule. Because I only know the pilot world through him it has always seemed very inflexible but as you pointed out, it sounds like it's DH who is inflexible. The carrier he wants to do long call for isn't even his current employer, that's like his end game goal. He's currently based close to home but pretty junior. I think he will bid short call for November but looking at the available footprints I already know he will be gone most weekends 

Betterhalf's picture

He doesn't get that luxury, sorry. He doesn't get to pick convenience for himself when it inconveniences you (and isn't great for his son either).  I know my DH hated doing turns 3x a week, which meant he left home at 4am and got home around 10pm, but he did it bc he didn't want to get divorced and it was my hill to die on. And on his off days he was fully present to deal with his kids.  
 

Your DH is being selfish. He needs to pick the schedule that works best for the whole family, not just himself.

shamds's picture

I think its perfectly reasonable to set some basic expectations & ground rules in your home because he's capable at his age of remembering and understanding and following through on them.

my ss was at college but was reminded by his dad that on weekends or holidays when he was at home, he did the trash and kitty litter every day. 
 

now i would often do kitty litter (excluding when i was preggers). The fact your husband is away majority of the time when it's his custody time makes it even more important those basic expectations are met and followed through on.

bio mum can have or not have any rules in her home, but your home can have other rules in place he must respect. It falls back on can you or your husband be bothered to follow through on repercussions etc

Searchingforpeace's picture

You're absolutely right, I have seen his room at bio moms house and it's an absolute disaster zone. That kind of behavior isn't permitted on my watch. I'm a meticulous person and I have systems in place to keep our home tidy. SS is naturally disorganized so it's a constant battle but one I choose to fight because I feel so much better in a clean environment. He also is supposed to mow the lawn every weekend. As I mentioned before he likes to wait us out and then not have to do anything because he leaves so he didn't mow this weekend because we spent a collective 8 hours working on his report before my MIL had to pick him up so he could get a to school this morning. I teach about an hour away from SS school so we can't drop off if DH isn't home 

TrueNorth77's picture

The fact that everyone thinks THEIR kid should be with the one person who isn't their actual parent, just boggles the mind. And your DH- I'm sorry, but he just can't consider that it's not fair to you to have to single-handedly take care of HIS kid while he's gone, just because he doesn't want to have to pay child support?? 

When taking money out of it and looked at logically, this situation is not what is best for you or SS. It's only what's best for your DH and BM, assuming she enjoys wknds free. SS is not thriving, and you forcing his actual parents to step up is what is best for him, and for you. Seems like it's time for a custody change that fits your DH's shedule. And unless your DH is a new pilot on reserve, he should be able to schedule his work to fit a set custody schedule. You have been WAY too accommodating on this- it's definitely past time to set your boundaries and make it clear that that you are not the babysitter. 

Searchingforpeace's picture

Yes I have let this happen and I need to be firm and change things for myself and my SS. My MIL picked up all the slack before me so I know if I step back she will be back in. Bio mom has turned down my requests to keep SS over weekends in the past. She once said she was really looking forward to a kid free weekend (she has another child who is younger with a different man)  so she couldn't keep him while I went on my annual holiday girls trip. At this point I didn't have a baby and it infuriated me that a woman who has never had her first born on the weekends would feel comfortable saying that to a woman who NEVER has a child free weekend because she got pregnant with her on again off again BF 11 years ago. I would camp outside my ex's house if I suspected a stranger (step parent) was caring for him without a bio parent present. Step parents and grandparents don't factor into the court's custody decision but between us we have SS a lions share of the time. I would raise holy hell but everyone seems fine with me being a single step mom. It is truly mind blowing that this has gone on for so long 

Betterhalf's picture

They are fine with it, you are doing all the heavy lifting of parenting for them!  And I'm sure you are doing it well. There are a lot of lazy parents out there who have no problem letting others do the work for them. Your skid's BM is clearly one (so was mine).  And if your DH won't step up now that you are struggling, he is another. That's why I said be ready for pushback. Everyone else is happy with the status quo where you are the little red hen doing all the work. Time to start saying no. 

Searchingforpeace's picture

I'm definitely a people pleaser and the teacher in me feels awful letting go of expectations for SS. I also know that for better or worse my own son will look up to SS (9.5 year age gap) and I want a good role model  for him. What's really causing me to need a change right now is the fact that I don't love my SS and I can only imagine the damage that is causing for him and me (I feel sick with guilt every night that I wasn't patient enough). He has two able bodied parents who should have the same car flipping, mama/papa bear, I would literally die for you love that I have for my baby. I want my SS to feel that everyday, not the coldness of  a stepparent who has agreed to do the bare minimum to keep him alive  

Betterhalf's picture

I didn't love my step kids either. BM is mentally ill (and downright nasty to her kids)  and I tried to make my home a safe haven for them, with clear rules that didn't change by the day or by whim. But I didn't love them. And I felt so guilty about it, at least until they were so unpleasant that I couldn't stand to be around them. I stopped feeling guilty after that. 
 

I think women are conditioned by society to take on the guilt. You are clearly doing your best for this child and that is all anyone can ask. Does your husband feel guilty that he's gone all the time?  I'm guessing probably not. So you should not feel guilty that you are caring for your skid in a loving way, even if you don't love him lije your own. Give yourself a break! 

Searchingforpeace's picture

Yes I think we are conditioned to take on the guilt. My DH doesn't understand how I can love being a mother and simultaneously loathe being a stepmother. I have tried to explain to him that those two titles are like comparing apples and oranges. My SS doesn't love me either, I do all the work of a mom (which is a ton) without any of the warm fuzzy feelings. It's enough to make anyone resentful 

Cover1W's picture

So your DH doesn't want to pay more CS, but he gets free child care and free tutoring services from you. As does BM. And free housecleaning!

You need to have a serious, calm discussion with your DH about parental roles and what you are and are not willing to do. Would it help if your DH hired a tutor? Or hired child care for a portion of the time SS is with only you? Hire a housecleaner a couple times a month...?

I'd also start immediately paring back what I do, making only routine care what is done (food, clothing, no danger, sleep) for SS. I'd also make it crystal clear what your rules for behavior are as the adult in charge and do not get lax! He may have a lot of adults in his life but that doesn't mean he cannot learn basic good behavior. You DH must support you in all of this otherwise it won't work. Then he only has the option of BM as the primary caregiver more frequently.

Note that you also want him out of the house at 18, and graduated from school. Again, no other option and if changes don't happen your DH needs to know he'll be living with his son alone.

Searchingforpeace's picture

Right now I'm working part time because I have a 2 year old. That said I am still paying 50% of the monthly bills. I worked my butt of for years saving up money to fund this because I knew I wanted to be home with my future children as much as possible. I share a contract at an elementary school. Because of that everyone thinks I am free and happy to have SS by myself. I provide free tutoring, childcare, fund all outings on my own when DH isn't home (we have separate bank accounts) and free house keeping and all cooking in addition to taking a huge pay cut so we don't have to pay for daycare for our shared son. I do all of this while still contributing equally to our monthly expenses. I am about to lose my mind but I realize my people pleasing self got me into this. My therapist once said "if you're doing everything someone else wants they aren't going to stop you, you have to stop you" it's up to me because everyone else is fine doing what's working best for them and it can't continue  

lieutenant_dad's picture

Hold up.

You're providing SS with 24/7 care while your DH is away while still paying half the bills (which is just dumb since I assume you made less than your DH even when working FT) AND you pay for extras for SS?

No no no no no. NOPE. You SHOULD NOT be depleting YOUR PERSONAL SAVINGS in order to take care of SS. Hell, you're not even doing it for free - you're paying a PREMIUM to take care of SS. You're setting yourself up for financial failure in order to take care of your SS AND your mutual child with your DH (since I assume you are *also* paying for all of your child's expenses while DH is gone if you're also paying for SS).

Let that sink in: YOU ARE PAYING YOUR DH FOR THE RESPONSIBILITY OF TAKING CARE OF BOTH OF HIS KIDS. You aren't doing ANY of this for free. You're doing it at a loss. You are literally only working in order to take care of your DH's responsibilities.

This is WILDY unfair to you on so many levels.

Searchingforpeace's picture

Yes, everything you said is true. I would like to add that we live in one of the most expensive counties in CA because of our custody arrangement so everything we pay is top tier expensive because of choices my DH made 11 years ago. I really thought if I could fund part time for a year DH would be able to take on more of the monthly bills. He got a better job that pays more but seems to think it would  still be too tight for me to scale back my contributions at this point. This is my second school year working part time. As a result I tutor after school three days a week and have taken on a second role in the district as technology coach in order to receive a stipend. It's not sustainable and I think you're hearing me reach the end of my rope in these posts. I classically don't complain and then I blow up and don't always express myself in a way I'm proud of. I really need to organize my thoughts so DH can understand where I'm at

lieutenant_dad's picture

I highly recommend two approaches:

First, write out everything you want to say to your DH in a letter.

Second, schedulre a time to talk to him. Give him the letter in advance or schedule enough time that he can read and digest.

This both shows you've put thought into this AND that you believe it to be serious. It also helps keep you calm and collected during what can be a hard discussion.

If you need help on how to organize your thoughts, I'm sure many folks here can help with that. I have many thoughts on your financial situation and how it's very unfair to you (you live in an area outside your financial comfort zone for him, and he makes up 2.5 people in the house while you make up 1.5, and he makes more than you; that means he SHOULD be taking on more of the financial burden to even things out).

SteppedOut's picture

A divorce.

Seriously, a relationship can only sustain THIS lopsided for so long before it completely implodes.

I'm sorry but I think your husband is an @sshole for expecting this of you and thinking it is completely reasonable. 

Seriously, I would have freaking BLOWN UP a looooong time ago. 

Rags's picture

I would push for week on week off.  This every weekend thing is purely CP centric.  

This gives you a break, you, DH, and your child some family time sans SS, and it more readily allows for DH to decline visitation when he is traveling.

You should not feel guilty over wanting a more manageable blended family situation.  Your childhood was the prodcut of quality parents.  SS's childhood is different and his current outcome is indicative of less than quality parents.

I would advise that you initiate a shift to minimize or at least compartmentalize the exposure that your own child has to SS.

You can't fix this.  Do not let it consume you or your family.

Good luck.

 

nappisan's picture

wow!   im so sorry that your stuck in this situation.  It seems like you are the only one who doesnt seem to have any say in this whole thing ,, which is wrong!!  Your DH shouldnt be doing whats easiest for him at your exspensive because you have a job too right?,,, or is that not important too?  Your needs dont seem to be considerad at all in any of this ,,and then the bio mum is sending unfinished homework for you to ensure the kid does on top.   Ive been there before and it doesnt get easier or better.  I had to disengage from a SS12 even though i was looking after him more than DH,, it was a horrible feeling being in my own home with a kid i didnt want any interaction with at all and he disliked me just as much.   your DH has been very comfortable for a long time ,, time to ruffle his feathers and put your needs first ! 

Winterglow's picture

The more I read here, the angrier I get for you.

Let me start with a question - are you sure your dh isn't earning a lot more than he admits to, given that you have separate bank accounts? He sounds very clost to his money, doesn't want to pay CS, doesn't want you to cut back on your work because he doesn't think you have the means to, and so on. Even if you have access to his account, are you sure there isn't another account hidden away, one you don't know about? 

 

Winterglow's picture

Here's a suggestion. You're going to have to put your bitch boots on. No more people pleaser, no more Ms Nice Guy. Time to stand up for yourself AND your SS (indirectly).

  • Have a word with a lawyer about what you could expect in a divorce (it always helps to be forearmed, right?). Would you be allowed to move away with your child to be close to your family, for instance, and have a long-distance parenting agreement with your DH?
  • Check out the child support calculator for CS for BM and, hypothetically (for the time being, at least), for you,
  • Draw up a spreadsheet with two pages, one for how much he'd pay BM if he went to EOWE custody like many fathers and the second for how much he'd pay you and BM if he doesn't solve this problem pronto.
  • Make sure he understands that you are serious and that the world doesn't revolve around him, his comfort and his money. From here on in, things are going to change so that your feelings, opinions, and comfort are taken into account as well as SS's wellbeing.

Completely stop helping SS with his homework. BM does not get to tell you what to do with your weekend. Send the kid back home with it undone. Let him flounder, let him fail. Maybe it will make BM angry enough for her to actually care about her son for once.

I know you said you bottle things up and then explode, that's why you are going to prepare this down to the tiniest details, make a list of what you want to say and rehearse saying them in front of a mirror. Have everything written down so that you don't get bogged down or forget things and if (when?) he tries to sidetrack you, you can just go right back to your notes and carry on with what you want to say.

Good luck.

Searchingforpeace's picture

I posed the question, what do you get out of SS being here when you're not? At first he didn't answer. I let it go for about 14 hours. Then I asked again. As expected he told me he thought I was selfish for asking, told me I wasn't a custody expert, yelled and slammed a door. Can't say I'm surprised at all. I'm so thankful for all of your input and the time you took to weigh in on my situation. He gaslights me about step parenting often and without your support I think I'd continue to cave to keep the peace. 

TrueNorth77's picture

The NERVE of this man. I am sitting here fuming for you. SELFISH for asking?? This is your life! You are the one caring for him the majority of the time, and it's not even your kid! You are the only one in this scenario being selfLESS. I hope you don't let the gaslighting and yelling dissuade you from advocating for yourself. Stand strong and do not waiver when you tell him it's time custody changes so you are not the one doing all the work. You only get one life, one chance to be happy, and this scenario you have going on is not it. 

 

Searchingforpeace's picture

After he stormed off I continued the conversation by myself out loud. It may seem crazy but I usually just let it go to keep the peace. I cant do that anymore because I am miserable and as you said, this is my one shot at life. I practiced it out loud to gain confidence because this conversation is not over. He threw out a "just send him to my mom" as a solution but that's not helping SS at all and just continuing to allow other people to bail DH out of his own troubles. 

Kona_California's picture

Tell him you're leaving if things don't change. List the reasons you are unhappy with him and this life and that you are doing more than your part. If he calls you any names like selfish, tell him you'll leave the house with baby and stay somewhere else while he pulls himself together like an adult. I would also say you will be leaving during the time he's supposed to be taking care of his son. Have a list of needs he will have to commit to in order for you to consider staying with him. I would include him going to counseling and getting a good couples therapist. I also like the advice another commenter added of making a spreadsheet of the CS he would have to pay you and BM so he gets the picture. You're allowed to look after yourself and advocate your well being to the people around you.

Kaylee's picture

Of course he's gaslighting you.

He doesn't want the current arrangements to change because they suit him very very well.

You are not selfish. You are selfless, in fact way too selfless for your own good.

I am so sorry for you and reading about your situation makes my blood boil. Especially thinking about your selfish H and BM!

Nobody can tell you what to do but you have got some great advice from people on here  I hope you can do something to make things better for yourself.

 

Searchingforpeace's picture

It's causing me so much anger that I haven't slept well in months. I just lay there seething about my life and current situation. I realize it's on me to fix it because DH is not a nurturing person and is beyond selfish by nature. His reaction is no surprise whatsoever but I can't let it scare me 

Merry's picture

That reaction seems over the top. Or does he always act like a petulant child when he doesn't want to do something?

I would continue to bring it up with him, and if he still refuses, then insist on meeting with a counselor to work through it with an objective third party. If he won't do THAT, then YOU meet with a counselor yourself to talk through your options and approach to setting boundaries or otherwise changing the dynamics of the relationship. Because the current arrangement is completely lopsided. It would be a big Hell No for me.

Did your DH marry YOU, or did he marry a caretaker for his child?

Searchingforpeace's picture

He always acts this way. Once I got our son down for a nap I had to go into our room (where he was) to get the baby monitor and shower for the day. He was watching YouTube on our bed with his hood pulled way down over his head. He is a petulant child when faced with any inconvenience. Now he's downstairs playing video games (again...child) I don't know what he's thinking, like I'm no longer angry because he yelled loud enough, slammed the door hard enough that I'm magically over it? His logic is beyond me

TrueNorth77's picture

I think he's hoping his reaction will be enough for you to be afraid to not bring it up again. 

Definitely prove him wrong. 

Cover1W's picture

Oh no. DH used to do this, usually when he was realizing he HAD to do something as an ADULT and a PARENT. And I'm the one who put him face to face with reality and I wasn't letting go of that mirror.

He would not slam things around though, but he would yell. And I stood up to him, over and over repeat and repeat and I was not ever backing down. I remained calm (mostly) and repeated things that I memorized (some of that from this site) until he heard me. I made HIM encounter the consequences of the SDs, not me.

It took a long time for him not to get pouty and go into his office and watch some kind of race or match on TV to drown everything out. AND he's so so much better now. He's got a great therapist; that took time too.

However, he is ultimately a nice man, with ADD, and with some issues, but ultimately he's ok. If he was a jerk I wouldn't have married him (been there have a huge radar for that). We have our moments but so long as I'm clear he's good.

Cover1W's picture

And one more thing - is SS there or no? If your DH gets in these moods, do not do anything extra for SS - I mean give him food if needed but no bedtime, no nothing. You do not care for two children. You need to start handing things off to your DH. I'm betting you do all of it even when DH is home don't you? 

Searchingforpeace's picture

Yes, I'm the default parent no matter who is home. I was too nice in the beginning and now it's all assumed. If I could go back in time I would tell myself to step waaaaaaay back. My MIL was the default parent before me so it was never my husband. I hear you on being the scapegoat/messenger that they blame the problems on instead of taking a look in the mirror. DH is hard headed but a good man. He has made some healthy changes over our 7 years together but we still have our setbacks

Kona_California's picture

I know you feel guilty for not having that unconditional love for your SS. But he's actually pretty lucky you're his stepmom because despite feeling put off by him, you clearly care. 

These are some options that come to mind:

Inform your DH that you can no longer do the current schedule and you need to sit down and figure out another schedule. A schedule that gives you your time back. Let him know that "no" is not acceptable. He and BM HAVE to figure out a new schedule. You can give the both of them until X date to have a new plan. Otherwise, you will not be present to receive SS from BM. Since you aren't in the CO, what can they do?

I would also inform your DH that your SS requires a plan for his school work that needs to be worked out between him and BM. Maybe SS should go to an afterschool help program, like Kumon. It's kind of pricey but it handles a major portion of the schoolwork.

In the meantime, and you may have already tried these things, I would experiment just being friends with the kid. Find out what he likes and do those things with him. Ask him about who are his favorite youtubers. What are his favorite games. Discover his sense of humor and join in. My SS and I like to watch funny videos together and our senses of humor are now more aligned that my SO's. I actually play video games with my SS and it's made us super tight. I will parent him when it comes down to it, like telling him to clean up after himself or get ready for bed, and then shower him with genuine positive feedback when he listens. I tell him all the time that he's such a good kid and that I'm super lucky. Even when I don't always feel that way.  Again, especially since you're an educator, you may have already tried this. But I will also sit with my SS and do homework next to him and make it as fun and uplifting as possible. Snacks, rewards, lots of compliments. He tells me he looks forward to doing homework with me. Granted he's only 8, I happen to enjoy video games and I don't have any of my own bio children so we'll see what happens in the future.

Good luck to you and keep us posted!

Searchingforpeace's picture

Thank you for saying such kind things. SS and I are closer than DH and SS are because we spend so much time together and we had 3 years before my baby was born where he was the only kid. We have inside jokes, share a love of Harry Potter, cook together, have taken trips without DH to visit Disneyland and my family out of state. It's getting harder as he gets older and is losing motivation and enthusiasm for achievement. I can't help but attribute part of this to him feeling depressed that a step parent who doesn't light up for him is caring for him alone a lot. My baby brings me so much joy, I glow around him. I don't for my SS and that is apparent even when I try my hardest. My feelings towards SS haven't changed since having a baby, my love has just multiplied for one child and not the other so I feel the discrepancy and it breaks my heart. 

Searchingforpeace's picture

I have a counseling session later this week. My MIL is going to take SS when DH is gone for the foreseeable future. DH is still not acknowledging his outburst earlier but I'm choosing to focus on the fact that I found a solution to my problems for the interim. Hoping counseling will continue to help me navigate this but I'm feeling relieved that I'm not facing down another weekend of fights over late assignments and tiptoeing around the house because SS is grounded for his grades and isn't allowed any screen time or distractions while he's "working" which literally takes all weekend because he usually just kills time over a blank sheet of paper. 

TrueNorth77's picture

This is a great step! And hopefully your DH and BM will work together to figure out a better plan that doesn't just involve pawning SS off on MI (NOT your issue, btw, do not feel guilty), but if not, that's not for you to worry about. Hoping your counselor is able to help also.

Btw, do not feel guilty for not loving your SS. I assure you, although I care about skids and their well-being and do love them in a way, I do not light up around them, and do not love them as my own at all. I wish I had those bio-parent rose-colored glasses, it would make this sooo much easier. 

Searchingforpeace's picture

Thank you for celebrating this self care win with me and thank you for validating my feelings. It's easy to feel like a monster when kids are involved because none of this is SS's fault. It doesn't take away the feelings I am having about my experience though, those matter too. That said, without  all of your support it would be all to easy to blame myself and think I was flawed in some way for not having mama love for a kid I didn't create just because I married his dad. Being a step mom is by far the hardest thing I have ever done

nappisan's picture

GOOD!  let his mother care for her grandchild and then if she starts to have a problem with having the kid too much , well its a problem between him and his mother.  you need to start being extremely busy anytime you may think he wants you to watch his kid,,,end of story

Searchingforpeace's picture

I am so excited to be busy! I have said no to plans with my friends and their babies because I didn't think my 11yo SS would have fun but now I can be the first time mama that I actually am and enjoy this time in my life with friends who also have little ones!

Betterhalf's picture

That the weight is off your shoulders. But I can't believe that your DH's solution is not to spend more time with his son by either inconveniencing himself by changing his work schedule or hashing it out with BM in court or out to change the custody schedule to get ss when he's actually home. Instead, he's just turfing the kid out to yet another person who has no responsibility for the kid. What a  manbaby!

Searchingforpeace's picture

DH has been spoiled all his life, that doesn't change just because he's almost 40. His behavior is really making me think hard about how I raise my own son. I want him to be a stellar father and husband and be able to put others needs before his own at times.

Searchingforpeace's picture

You're not wrong. Although I am no psychologist I have my suspicions that this diagnosis would be applicable. DH has admitted that he can't empathize with others. That said, most of our life together is happy and no one and no relationship is perfect but I'm sure there's a reason he married people pleaser me. It's making me grow a lot. I'm also getting to a place where as long as I am finding solutions to my problems I don't care if he has a big epiphany moment and changes. What I understand about narcissistic behavior is it cannot change so I am letting go of that expectation