How do I disengage?
A little background:
My SD is 15 and has been exhibiting more and more extreme behaviors for attention since I have known her. She was about 11 or so when I met her. She has an older brother, my SS (17). He is a genuinely good person.
My Husband and I got married in 2021 and immediately SD moved in, until we lost our home (Covid and such). We live with one of our friends. My Husband quit smoking cigarettes in 2019 for his kids.
So my SD has been here for 2 weeks bc her mom got kicked out of where they were staying bc of SD. Biomom is staying with her parents with her son. SD's grandparents don't want her there bc of her behaviors.
SD is no longer welcome where Husband and I love bc she has been stealing and lying. Yesterday she got caught stealing and then last night she got caught red handed in our roommate's room stealing. Her parents are working on getting her in a facility, but that isn't fast enough.
Ever since my Husband and I got together I tried to be that good and helpful extra person. He has a hard time disciplining and would be lax with her bc he felt guilty for breaking up with their mom esp since SD would use it to manipulate and make him feel bad. I tried to be her friend and help her and give her guidance based on my experiences but she is just a liar and manipulator and since I can see thru her she hates me. Which is fine. But she hates me even more cuz I helped her dad see through her BS.
Today he has been sobbing and having an emotional meltdown bc she can't listen to simple instructions and thinks she has any privileges at this point. He told me he doesn't want me to engage with her and fight her anymore. He wants everything she says to go in one ear and out the other.
I have issue doing this. Especially when she starts lying and manipulating. I want to protect my Husband from her so badly, but he wants me to disengage. I respect him and love him and don't want to cause him further harm by engaging her.
So how do I do it? How do I disengage when I have to be around her? She won't be welcome back in the home I am in now, nor will be she allowed in any home I am living in (I am legit scared of what she is capable of), but I am sure there will be times I will still have to be around her and I need some insight to how others do it.
This is all the very short version of events. It has been a drama filled nightmare since I met her.
Any help is appreciated! Thank you!
Note on the cigs
I forgot to mention as I wrote, cuz my brain is so foggy right now. He quit smoking at the behest of his children, especially her, and then within a year she turns around and is smoking. Her mom vaped nicotine, my Husband smoked regular cigs.
She also got suspended from school 3 times this year and is suspended 180 days the last time, so well into next school year. She didn't attend more than 5 days at school this year.
I can't imagine that SD has
I can't imagine that SD has had a great childhood based on the issues her parents have had even maintaining stable housing...
A lot of the issues you are having.. are really the result of adult issues.. that have fed into the way she was raised. I am not sure why your DH thinks her school progress is acceptable.. it isn't.
Honestly, her childhood was
Honestly, her childhood was overall better than many kids I have known. She has some trauma, but she mostly just plays everything up and does anything she can for attention. I think the worst thing about her childhood was her parents actually being together since they fought a lot (Biomom got preggers with son after 2 months of dating) but she claims that them splitting up is why she is so bad and traumatized, but her parents immediately stopped fighting when they split up and began co-parenting a lot better.
Where are you located that a
Where are you located that a school can suspend a child for 180 days and not provide some form of alternative schooling? Where is SD living today? If she isn't living with you, why would you need to be around her? Her father can see her without you.
In most places, if a school
In most places, if a school suspends a student for longer than 4 days, they must provide appropriate and available support services while the student is suspended. Are they not providing that, or has neither parent made sure that SD is using it?
If SD is stealing from the people who are letting you live there, it is no surprise that she (and DH and you by extension) are no longer welcome there. I suggest that if you have not yet started to investigate shelters, you do so. You may need to utilize them if you wish to stay with DH (who is responsible for his daughter as I doubt BM will take her back).
First, you need to take
First, you need to take advantage of being a away from her and take care of you. You don't ever have to lay eyes on her again if that's what is best for YOU. You do have a choice in that and if you are worried about what she could do to you, then draw that hard boundary now. There are steps around here who haven't seen their skids for years. I'm one of many. DH might not like but then again , I doubt "buffer for SD " was not in your vows. Next time she gets caught stealing , the cops have to be involved. Has she had real consequences yet? If not she needs them.
I really appreciate the
I really appreciate the insight.
Imo, no she hasn't had any real consequences beyond being suspended from school. It is so sad. And on her dad's side, she was the only girl born for a while, so she was suuuuuuper spoiled.
Sounds like ALOT
Sounds like ALOT
It's a lot easier to "disengage" when the kids aren't around as much because otherwise it's easy for the bio parents to accuse you of "neglecting" them so it's a delicate balance.
so never agree to have them over for extended periods (especially if they're misbehaving) unless husband is legally obligated for the extended period
For me, the kids with behavioral problems would not be allowed into my home without some INTENSIVE therapy and there would be conditions that not following my rules/causing me mental or physical harm will get them sent to the nearest military school or mental health treatment facility.
How I disengage is I demand my partner tell me when he's kids are arriving and leaving (he hates telling me because he thinks they should be able to show up in my home 24/7 on demand) and I intentionally leave after a couple hours and come back right before they leave or after they're gone.
It is what it is,....if these bio parents could get a clue on how to raise their kids with some home training then we wouldn't have to disengage but that's the name of the game rn.
If she can't stay with either of her parents, where is she livin
If she can't stay with either of her parents, where is she living?
YOU live there. It is YOUR home too.
So, if daddy cannot find some testicular fortitude to set and enforce standards of behavior and standards of performance... you set and enforce them whether daddy likes it or not and for damned sure whether the failed family progeny like it or not.
As for the failed family spawn destined for inmate status, find her a room at the place with bars and a bed. Press charges for theft, truency, get her sent to a state ranch school where hairy eyeball oversight is constant and they work the kids into a quivering comma after a full day of highly supervised school and hard labor.
Get her to 18 then get her gone making sure she stays gone.
I would.
And... no one can make your DH feel any way.... including bad. How he feels is HIS choice. Caving to the manipulation of his toxic failed family progeny (SD) is HIS choice. Do NOT tolerate that from your mate. Make that kid's life a living hell. She will either get in line... or not. If she doesn't she can get gone. Call the police for her thieving crap. Have her put in for an extended psych eval as a suicide risk. Do whatever it takes to both get her gone and get her some involuntary help.
I wouldn't tolerate DH's chosen fee fees either.
how did her father allow her
how did her father allow her to miss so much school? it sounds like she has been left to raise herself.. and the result is not pretty.
Her parents are legally responsible
For her. He just cant throw SD out on the streets. She will be place in Forster care, and you, BF will be charge $$$ for her care. He either stop up and put SD in her place. Or see if she is mentally challenged?? This is not normal, when a parent insists on a child to go to school, have a goo time, learn about the world, learn about life. Learn life skills, how to be a team player, you are expected to be on time, work hard, ect.