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How can I hate a 6y/o!!

Stepmom110815's picture

Hi everyone. Found this website after googling I hate my step daughter and felt some what relieved when I found lots of other quotes like this. 
Ive been in my SD life since she was 18 months old she used to be such a pleasant little girl I loved spoiling her and spending time with her and we had an awesome relationship but as we grew closer the more HC BM became, BM is awful excuse of a mother. She sends SD in clothes that are way too small and tight for her always in the same gross clothes it's basically neglect. Now SD is older we just can't get along. She is so weird she sneaks around corners listening to me and DH. She waits until I leave the main living area and she will run out her room and sit on her Dads lap which I find so uncomfortable! I'm not jealous of her at all I just find her so awkward I can tell DH feels awkward too because she's so full on. She follows him around the kitchen but doesn't even talk to him she constantly wants to touch him and hug him it's gross. We have always had trouble with her hygiene and she is obese for her age like VERY obese. This also effects her hygiene. She can't wipe her ass when she goes the toilet and leaves shit in the toilet which is the only toilet used by her and often if we forget to check it's clean I'll find shit in the toilet way after she's gone home. Tonight I found shit in the toilet and after talking to her last weekend about how important it is to flush and wipe and wash hands we thought she would feel more comfortable about asking for help when she needs the toilet we have tried the nice approach but now I'm so angry because she gets away with it with no consequences. I told DH he needs to sit her down again and tell her she's getting the lego taken away and NO movies with us before bed time until she starts to tel us when she's been the toilet so we can check she's clean. She's had multiple fungal infections due to her not wiping her ass and when we bring it up to BM she pretends as if this isn't an issue at her house now I'm beginning to think SD does it on purpose to piss her off. I hate her I can't stand her being in my house I'm sue to have a baby any minute and I don't want her around my baby because of how dirty she is. I can't stand looking at her every where I go she sneaks around the house if I catch her staring at me or watching us from the couch she looks away and pretends she wasn't looking it's seriously weird. I hate that I hate her but I'm so sick of this BS. Is punishing her for constantly leaving shit in the toilet reasonable and what sort of consequences???? I'm at my whit end. Please help I would happily never see her again I don't miss her when she's gone and I sure as hell can't wait till she leaves when she's here. 

S_mum's picture

What kind of visitation schedule does your H have with his daughter?

I think that some of your SD's issues stem from her being neglected over at her mum's house. If I were your H, I would start documenting all these problems. If BM has primary custody and is neglecting her daughter to this extent, she's definitely not fit to have primary custody of the child IMO.

Stepmom110815's picture

Thanks for reply. We have every EOW and one night through the week. This is all the judge would give us we wanted 50/50 but master manipulator BM said it would be too much for SD as she has so many emotional issues which she isn't wrong about. We do document everything and are planning on going back to court this year with all the evidence. 

ndc's picture

How often do you have her? It sounds like her father is much too lax and needs to step up his parenting.  There's no excuse for poor hygiene.  I would put a bell or something on her bathroom door so her father can hear when she's gone to the bathroom and can deal with it in the moment.  My SD6 is ok on the bathroom hygiene now,  but at 4 she was not and she did not always remember to tell us when she went to the bathroom.  Our house is small so we pretty much knew when she went and we checked to make sure she flushed and washed her hands every single time until it became automatic. If by hygiene you also mean baths, showers and tooth brushing, that should be on your husband.  He needs to be on top of that and instill good habits in her.  There's not much you can do about what goes on at BM's house, but your husband can do his best when she's at yours.

He should also be addressing her obesity - both with her doctor and by making sure she's getting plenty of physical activity and is eating only healthy foods and not snacking throughout the day.  He can also set boundaries with her - if the two of you aren't comfortable with her sitting on his lap, he needs to tell her she's too old for that and not let it happen. He can also have a conversation about sneaking around listening to adult conversations and impose consequences if she continues. 

Frankly, at this age I put most of the blame on the parents for not insisting upon proper behavior and hygiene, not on the child.  It also could be that the BM is encouraging her to spy on you and report back.  If that's going on, you'll have to have your conversations you don't want getting back to BM when SD isn't around, and your husband will need to put a stop to the behavior. 

Stepmom110815's picture

Thanks so much for reply I totally agree. I just feel like I'm nagging my husband constantly to tell her when he should just do it you know?! In terms of showers tooth brushing there's no issues there as DH supervises all showers she's too young to turn the taps on herself ect so he will give her the soap and say ok I'm coming back in 2 mins make sure you wash and I'll check ect. It's the making the mess in the toilet that gets me and he gets angry with her I have to remind him this is probably what she gets away with doing at BM house and that we just have to try stay patient but I also get why he loses his temper. BM is filthy too. 
he enrolled her into basketball on Wednesday nights which is awesome but she only attended 3 weeks until we went into lock down and they haven't started back up since it feels like we keep hitting dead walls. We was concerned took her to DR and DR tested her for diabetes ect everything come back fine but suggested she needs to definitely eat healthy and exercise more as she's too big for her age. We only have her EOW and when we try co parent with BM she tells us we're being dramatic or it's our fault even though when she's with us we feed her healthy food and do our best for her. It's so frustrating. 
the sneaking around corners and silently watching me is creeping me out. I was so annoyed last weekend I couldn't even mop the floor without feeling her eyes burn into me I stopped and asked "are you ok? Do you need something" and she startled and said "no I'm just watching you" so I was like well go play with your toys lol it's just creepy!!!

Winterglow's picture

"It also could be that the BM is encouraging her to spy on you and report back."

Well, that's easy enough to verify. Have a long conversation with your DH about that really expensive car he would love or about your dream holiday (knowing full well that you can't afford either) and see how long it takes for BM to start talking about raising CS if you have that much money. Explain to her what the word "hypothetical" means.

tog redux's picture

Poor kid, she's being neglected. Instead of punishment, try rewards for flushing, washing hands, etc. Your DH needs to step it up and keep an eye on her and be her parent.  There's no reason he can't pop her in the shower the minute she gets to your house and put her in clean clothes that fit (keep them at your place and send her back to BM's in the small ones).  And above all, he should be paying attention to her. Playing with her, reading with her, talking with her.  She sounds very needy and damaged to me, personally.  So don't hate her, it's her parents' fault that she is this way.

Floral_SM's picture

I agree with this advice. SD7 is the same and can't flush a toilet. I honestly think it's a child thing sometimes IMO, my nephews were raised by my sister who is a clean freak and they always forgot to flush too. She arrives in clothes dirty and small, I just tell her to change and wash the clothes for her to wear back.

Stepmom110815's picture

I feel awful for having such strong resentment to her as I know deep down it's not her fault. Half the time I could just cry feeling so sorry for her but the other half the time I'm like I drown myself in trying to fix this shit and I can only control what happens at our house. Like you said my husband seriously needs a wake up call he gets so defensive everytime I try have a serious conversation. She is definitely being neglected at BM house. We shower her instantly even if we pick her up at 3pm because she just looks dirty when we pick her up. She's so quiet and awkward around us it's not normal for a 6 year old. I have a 4 year old sister and she doesn't shut up lol but when you ask SD "tell me what happened at school today, tell me what you did last weekend" ect it's always "uhhh I can't remember, I don't know" and she would rather take herself off in her room to be alone. 
do we start putting a timer on how much time she spends playing alone in her room? It seems harmless to anyone else but to us it's concerning cause she doesn't ever come to talk to us and when you try play with her it's just awkward. 
we try doing the reward system for toileting but like I said half the time we don't even know she's been the toilet so it's just constantly being hit in the face with failure after failure. 

Tried out's picture

a sticker chart for her to fill out - a red star for flushing the toilet, a blue star for washing her hands, etc. and when she has accumulated X number of stars she gets a treat, like a book or a ball or whatever. Just a thought.

strssd stepmom's picture

My SD does that weird staring shit too. It's so awkward and damn rude! I would never allow my daughters to do that, so I completely understand. 

Do you have another bathroom in your home? If so, I would make that one off limits for anyone to use but you. That way, her dad can see how gross the condition is on his own and deal with it. Unfortunately, her health is her parents issue. I tried being super involved with my SD health and other things too but it keeps backfiring in my face so I'm starting to step back big time. 

Rags's picture

Neglect can be horrendous when the blended family opposition is toxic.  My Skid suffered incredibly as a toddler and young child from this crap during the early long distance visitation years.

We would send him to SpermClan a happy, clean, healthy 80% potty trained, fully conversant little boy and he would come back at the end of visitation (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring) a stinky, dirty, very unhappy, non talking waif.  He would have BO that would make a septic worker proud, black goo under his arms, behind his knees, inside of  his elbows and around his waist, and butt rott and diaper rash so bad his butt cheeks were covered in puss filled welts and his anus would be so raw he would bleed when we cleaned him up. Afte rthe first time we would have an appointment with his Pediatrition for a couple of hours after his flight was scheduled to arrive when he returned home from SpermLand.  We had his Doc docment his post visitation condition and would have our SperLand attorney meet with the Judge and send nasty grams to the SpermClan over their abusive neglectful crap.

We did what we could to come down on the SpermClan like a ton of shit in a 1Lb bag but.... the Judge just shrugged it off and repeated his crap about "Any child would be blessed to have the love and support of this family."


So, we had to figure out how to accelerate his being able to care for himself when he was in SpermLand and to get him back to standards ASAP when he got home from visitation.  We adopted a zero tolerance policy for behavioral and hygiene crap.  If he wanted something he had to use his words or ... he did not get it.  Pointing, grunting, and pitching a screaming fit did not work in our home. We just stepped around him and got on with doing what we were doing and if he went on longer than we cared tolerate one of us would grab him by the foot and drag him out of the way while he screamed and squirmed on the floor.  

We also made damned sure he could use the toilet, change his underwear, and open the fridge and cabinets where ever he was to get food and drink.

At 6yo, I would but this little girl in a diaper/pull up rather than let her be nasty and dirty in my home. Daddy would clean her up as soon as she arrived and inspect her underwear.  She would wear that diaper from the moment she arrived and she would wear it back to BMs if she continued to not clean herself adequately when she used the toilet in my home.  She would wear it at home and out in public.  It would take her running into one kid from her class to fix this problem

IMHO of course.