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Holidaying with SS

MelbSM's picture

Hi all,


Please help. I haw recently become a new step mum. I met my partner approx 10 months ago, it all moved very fast. I was aware he had a child at the time but because of my feeling towards my partner I decided that I could live with it. The son is 8 and lives a week with his Mum and a week with his Dad. Now we are on our first holiday together and I'm about to pull my hair out!!!!!!! I want to cry and scream every day. My partner puts his child first, always. Which kills me. I always feel like an outsider. If I mention any of his behaviours my partner will always defend his child and criticise me. The child is a spoilt only child brat who has never heard the word no. My partner has started showing his son all the love and care in the world and I barely get a thing. His child lies, complains, is on his device with the sound up so loud 24/7 and has extremely annoying habits which my partner doesn't address. It was looking like we were going to get engaged soon and start trying for a child of our own, but now I just don't know. Does anyone have any recommendations on what I should do? I love my partner so much and honestly thought he was the one but after this holiday I honestly don't know. I feel like I can't even communicate with him either because he just gets so defensive. But I don't want to end the relationship. Arghhhhh

lieutenant_dad's picture

Yes, run.

Love isn't enough to hold together a relationship. You may love this man, but he shows you very little respect or care 50% of the time. That's going to do nothing but build resentment as time goes on.

Just your losses while you're still early in this relationship.

hereiam's picture

Love is not always enough. Loving him so much, will not overcome him making you feel like you don't matter.

He treats you like this, at only 10 months in, just wait until you have been together for a couple of years, or are married. He will REALLY take you for granted, then, once he sees that you are, in fact, going to put up with this treatment.

He needs to stay single, so he can concentrate solely on his precious, and you need to find someone who knows how to be a partner.

Winterglow's picture

You should be in the honeymoon phase of your relationship and already he's treating you like an old married partner. Not good.

FWIW, when men who have children move so fast it's often (always?) because they're looking for a new mum for their children which translates loosely as they want someone to take the child raising off their hands. You do not fit this bill so it's probably not going to be long before he either starts making various threats to try and get you into line or dumps you. Thnik this through - does he expect you to pick them up, take care of them when he's not there? Expect you to do their laundry? Tidy their rooms? Prepare their lunches? Be available for them at all times? Does he go out and leave you with them in the evenings? Expect you to finance their outings?

Is this what you want in a partner? I bet it's not. In that case, chalk the ten months up to experience and dump the leech and his offspring now. You deserve so much better than this.

Evil3's picture

I already posted on another poster's blog about how I have C-PTSD from staying in such a situation.

Also, these kids do not launch when their peers do, so don't make the mistake of thinking that you can count down until this kid is 18. He's not going anywhere and his daddy wants it that way.

Run fast and run far!

Curious Georgetta's picture

with someone  whose parenting  you find objectionable a solution to your situation,? It is like saying "He is a bad parent so I need to have a child with him. "

If your partner does not perceive his parenting to be flawed, it is unlikely that he think that it needs to be fixed. 

If you need to be put first in a relationship, it might be best to tell your partner that up front. Telling him gives him the option of deciding if that is a perspective and point of view that he shares.

Sometimes it is best just to put your  cards on the table. If you both want the same things, it will work. If you do not share the same pov  , then you can both look for partners with whom you are more compatible.

Life is far too to short to spend it trying to  disguise your real feelings and needs .


Thisisnotus's picture

I disagree with this. The way my DH parents step kids (which is disgusting, by the way)  is the complete opposite of how he parents our shared child. Not one single part of it is the same..........the difference is that our shared child is NOT parented out of guilt......