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Here's what can happen when you don't disengage early.

Jen2222's picture
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My time with my SS has been 15 years and I’m just now trying hard to disengage totally.  I don’t know how.  My story might be a lesson into what happens if you don’t learn to disengage early.  Is there hope for me, this far in the game?

My SS is 21 now and has lived with DH and I since he was 8 years old.  (full custody and terrible BM) I honestly did 90% of the "taking care of him". By that I mean, doctor visits, keeping up with schoolwork, cooking, taking him shopping, etc. About seven years ago SS started lying a lot and stopped listening to me.  DH was there and I didn't want to overstep when it came to discipline. SS never got the hang of doing chores.  He was so lazy and stubborn.  We encouraged college from a young age and in our school district, had the ability to gain college credits while still in high school.  My SS wasn’t into doing any of that. In fact, it looked like he was choosing things that would hurt his chances in college.  His grades were mediocre but not because he wasn’t smart.  He would make all hundreds or zeros and final grade would be enough to get by.  So smart and so lazy at the same time.  When he graduated from high school, he told us he wanted to be a Dentist.  I wish his actions matched his dreams. 

He was able to get into college and I paid for it out of personal savings, not his moms or his dads- mine.  However, he kept screwing off like he did in high school.  Scraping by, saying he wanted to be a dentist.  I didn’t want to squash his dreams but I’m paying $2,000 a class.  I kept trying to get him to understand that he wouldn’t get in with low B average.  Things just kept getting worse.  My big issue was that I wanted SS to go to college, get a job and move out to start his own life.  SS kept dropping classes and changing majors, so it was dragging on.  The last thing SS wanted to be is a nurse, but his grades and test scores said a different story.  Where we live, the nursing program is extremely competitive so the kids getting in are working ridiculously hard.  My SS was always the kind to do just enough to get by and he picked a profession that takes the top 100 people out of 300 applicants.  I wanted him to have a backup plan.  When I would talk to him about it, he seemed offended by me suggesting a backup. I stopped paying for the school and he dropped down to a community college and was paying for the classes himself. We asked if he ever thought of moving out and he just shook his head and said, "no, not really". Things around our house was getting more and more stressful every semester and it was taking a toll on my DH and I’s marriage. We had been together 15 years and I think my DH is amazing. However, I was thinking about divorce.  I wanted my 20-year-old SS to help around the house, consisting of mowing the lawn weekly, picking up after his own dogs’ poop in the backyard, and taking out the trash. I also felt he needed a full-time job of he was only taking one class at a time in school.  Be a full-time student or a full-time employee.  SS said asking these things of him made him feel like a child and that I was nitpicky when I wanted him to do these few things. 

SS moved out in the middle of the night in December 2020.  He took his dog, clothes and computer and went to another 20-year-old’s house that also lives with his parents.  SS made sure to come back over Christmas for a few hours to get his Christmas gifts that we got him.  He told us that he was going to move in with his Bio Mom after the first of the year, hung around for a few minutes and then left.  SS moved his things from the house while we were out of town. I know my SS took the dog without me seeing her to hurt me.  I spent more time with the dog then he did.  She’s old, and I figure I won’t see her again before she passes away. 

It’s hard to disengage.  I used to be incredibly good at closing doors and being done with someone who is toxic to me. I want to completely disengage, but I’m struggling.  That’s what brought me here to this forum.  I wanted to see I wasn’t alone and how other stepparents handle this.  My goal is to disengage, disengage, disengage, and then disengage some more.  I feel like I waisted time, money, and heart on this kid. I was the one who planned parties, made sure he had his favorite apple pie every birthday and now I wish I wouldn’t have done any of it.  I was the one paying for his college and purchased his first car from my savings. No thank given, just a bunch of headaches.  I know I should feel freedom now.  It’s only been two months, so time usually changes things.  I have a lot of regrets.  I just don’t want to make anymore, and I hope my choices are good going forward.

JRI's picture

If you are new here, read around, you will find many disappointed and discouraged step-parents.  I think you are going thru a kind of grief.  Even bio parents have mixed feelings when their kids launch, sadness, relief, regret, etc.  You gave your all to this boy and did your best, but you feel like its been a waste.  I dont think it is a waste.

He has launched, perhaps not a storybook l aunch, but he's out.  You can feel that its all on him now.  He might surprise you.  I would definitely shut down the Bank of Stepmom now.  You dont mention your DH's contributions.  If yours is like many step-families, guilty dads often siphon money secretly when they think a child is struggling, so you might want to keep your eyes open.

Give it some time, I think you will start feeling better.  One thing: you can look in the mirror and know you gave it your best shot.  Now, it's up to SS.  Good luck.

tog redux's picture

Honestly, he's 21 and he's moved out and making his own decisions. That's kind of what you want for adult kids. You stopped paying for school when he wasn't trying, and you pushed him to be an adult and either be in school or work. To me, you did a great job and prevented a case of Failure to Launch by making him uncomfortable enough in your home to move out. You had rules and expectations and held him to them. 

Even bio parents can't control what direction their kids go in, they can only set limits on what they will and won't do for them. All you've done sounds like good parenting to me.  Great job. 

 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Don't beat yourself up about it. I can understand your frustration that you have done everything for him and it was in vein. But obviously he is someone you have to let go out into the world learn things the hard way. 

I agree it's time to disengage to protect yourself from being hurt by his choices. But, I hope he does eventually learn from all of this and in time comes to appreciate what you have done for him. 

Thought-i-had-this's picture

You are his true mother. And this is parenting. It never ends, even after they launch, things go wrong and sometimes all they want is their mum.

He will learn in time and age, and come back to you with realisation of everything you've done.

In the meantime, maintain your connection by asking how he is, how college or work is, the dog, ask to see him if he wants to come for dinner etc and be polite. He isn't in your house anymore and maybe now you need to find a new relationship rather than the mothering one instead of disengaging. From my experience disengaging tends to happen when step parents literally have no authority or support in being a step parent. This doesn't sound like you.

PetSpoiler's picture

I did the full time step mom thing too.  I drove him to school for a time, I cooked, I cleaned, I did his laundry, took him to doctor appointments, stayed home with him when he was sick, contributed financially for all of his needs.  In a nutshell I did more for him than BM.  She decided one day that she didn't want him living with her anymore and dumped him out.  She also thought that my husband would continue paying child support.  Um, no.  She had to sign over custody but didn't have to pay child support.  We thought maybe she would contribute by helping buy him clothes but nope.  She only contributed once a year.  That was for him to play baseball, which we had to drive him to practice and games most of the time.  

He supposedly thought of me as his mother.  Funny though, he got with his wife and he didn't treat me like a mother.  He made some effort with my husband whenever his wife's father died.  He would text, call, send videos of their baby, etc.  I was left out of all of that but still expected to act the part of grandma.  I honestly got the feeling that I was expected to kiss  their feet for the privilege of being in their presence and for the fact that they had a baby.  I was expected to be all over the baby.  If I was so awful that he wanted to ignore me then why did he expect me to gush and coo over his child?  I'll never understand that.  If I don't want to be around someone for whatever reason, they don't get to have a relationship with my children.  If they're too toxic for me, I certainly won't inflict them on my children.  I don't speak to him or his wife, the two faced liars that they are.  

But yeah, I get it.  Step back.  Your SS might grow to appreciate all you've done for him.  He may not.  The ball is in his court.  I had no trouble letting mine go.  It may have been that I was slowly letting go, or cutting the cord if you will, over time.  So when I finally decided that was it, I was done and didn't give a rat's behind what my husband said,  I didn't shed a tear.  I shed more tears and had more anxiety at the thought of having to be around those two.  My husband luckily was starting to see my side and backed off quickly.  

Dogmom1321's picture

I also basically "raised" my SD from the ages of 5 - 8. Then BM came back in the picture and all of my hard work and come undone. I was thrown to the side with no appreciation. I went to counseling for it, and my therapist said I had all the symptoms of Post Partum Depression. Looking back, it totally made sense. I was trying to "help" DH as much as possible and wanted the best for SD. You can't care more than their Bios though. Now she is almost 11 and I have disengaged. I realize and accept that how SD turns out is not a result of my step-parenting. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Like you, I broke several of the basic rules of stepping. I got too involved, did more parenting than either of the bio parents,  overfunctioned for my H, and lost myself in someone else's responsibilities.

What did I get for all of my love, money, and sacrifice? Nothing. Well, not quite nothing, because everyone was happy to blame me for how things turned out.

Your H and his ex were fine with you doing all the heavy lifting with their son, including spending your OWN money on him. You thought you were helping, and doing right by a kid you grew to love. But what nobody tells you is, kids KNOW. They don't want "outsiders" parenting them; understandably, they want Mom and Dad doing it, so this breeds resentment. Step parents are supposed to support the bio parents' parenting, not do it for them, so despite your best efforts your SS is the product of two sub par parents. He's turned out this way because HIS DAD didn't do his job effectively.

Your SS was eight when you came along, so much of his programming was already fixed. You are a good person. You did your best, really went above and beyond, and no one can take that away. BUT, it's time to step back and let this adult find his way in life. Many parents struggle with launching their kids, so you're not alone in that respect, and you need to shift your focus back onto your self. Let SS goooo! Don't spend another dime on him, and mentally hand him over to your H to manage. 

One more thing: change the locks. Do it in a calm, matter of fact way. SS doesn't live there anymore. He left in a shi!!y, cowardly way, then snuck back while you weren't there. Don't give him the opportunity to do that again. 

Rags's picture

I met my incredible bride when SS-28 was 15mos old.  We married the week before he turned 2yo.

Like you, I raised my SS as my own.

I am the only full time dad he has ever known.  His BioDad (the SpermIdiot) and his mom were never married and their relationship ended when he cheated on her with a 16yo when SS was nust short of a year old.

Fortunately for all three of us, the SpermIdiot was never more than a periodic fleeting presence in SS's life.  Even with a CO that provided for SpermLand visitation, the SpermIdiot pretty much was non participatory.  Unfortuneatly that left SS's primary influence during SPermLand visitation as the SpermGrandHag.  The SpermIdiot is typical of the outome of her parenting failures.  The three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs have pretty much come out like their idiot father.  My SS is the sole example of successful parenting in that gene pool.

His mom and I offered him the full meal deal university scholarship anywhere in the world he wanted to go to, and could get accepted at.

Nope.  He did us the incredible favor of recognizing that he was not ready. "Mom, Dad. I get that college is important and I will go. But I am not ready to do the work and it will be a waste of my time and your money."  As disappointed and frustrated as I/we was/were at that time, I applaud him for his self awareness.

Long story short, he joined the USAF after HS graduation.  His top 2% ASVAB scores gave him an incredible career field in the USAF and they.... sent him to school!  Woo Hoo!  Gotta love karma! In a month he will reach his 10th service anniversary date. He recently re-enlisted for 6 more years.  He has his AS in Computer Science and is plugging away at completing his BSCS.

I can understand the heartbreak you have over your SS's choices.  I am sorry you have had to experience that.

I am fortuntate that my wife and I were on the same parenting game plan.  I have no regrets over anything I have invested in SS.  He asked me to adopt him when he was 22.  We made that happen.