Help. Please.
This is my first post here. I've read other people's posts on this website, and it's so reassuring to know I'm not alone, although I would never wish situations like these on anyone.
Quick background- there are 5 kids in our household. DH and I each had 2 kids before we met, and we have 1 together. My kids are DS5 and DS3, and DD8months. DH has DD7 and DS5, and of course DD8months.
I have sole custody of my boys and they see their dad every other weekend. DH has 50/50 custody of his kids, one week/One week.
I need help with SS5. He is disturbed in the deepest parts of his mind. And I don't say that lightly.
He has a severe speech delay. So bad, that my 3 year old spoke more clear than him when he was 2. He needs speech therapy but BM has less than one brain cell and doesn't see the need for him to go into therapy since "She understands him."
He has SEVERE violence issues. When it's our week with my skids, my boys are unhappy. I don't blame them at all. SS5 hits, screams, breaks things, wakes up 2 hours earlier than everyone. My DH will be in a bad mood because he knows he's just going to have to yell once he's home from work. SS5 gets constant incident reports from school saying that he's misbehaving, hitting, and disrupting the class. I strongly believe he needs to be held back because he absolutely is not ready for grade 1. His name is 3 letters and he can't write it. My son is a year younger than him and has a long name and can already write it perfectly.
I made DH bring him to the doctor and see what resources are available for him. The doctor took one look at him and said he needed therapy right away. The doctor suggested starting a behaviour journal to monitor his behaviour. This was in February and there isn't a single entry in that damn journal. Shows how much DH cares.
SS hit my 8 month old daughter, and that was the end of my rope. I knew from that moment on that there was no way I would ever be able to love this kid. I tried for years. My kids tried. The teachers have tried. He just seems unlovable. He is always rude and bullies everyone, breaks things on purpose, and thinks it's funny to kill animals (this is a new development, which is what made me officially join this website).
HOW am I supposed to be okay with living with a sociopath? I have TRIED and TRIED. Disengaging is hard because I have to do pretty much everything for him when DH is at work.
Frankly, I'm scared. I hate this.
What does your DH say when
What does your DH say when you tell him you are scared? Does he understand how you feel?
Has he really killed animals? If so that is a huge red flag.
If you are truely scared for the sake of your children I would leave or refuse to have SS there when DH is not.
Sorry - I'm not very good with advice.
He says "I know." And that he
He says "I know." And that he doesn't know what to do. Umm hello?!? Actually write in the journal that I had to go out and buy for you because you kept forgetting to do it. I'm more than happy to write in it (let's face It, I'm the one taking care of him anyway), but since I wasn't the one who went to the appointment with the doctor, I don't know what to include, what format it should be in, etc.
Apparently his work benefits don't cover behavioural therapy. At this point I'll go bankrupt and pay for it myself if it means some peace in this house.
I'm discouraged because I know that whatever effort I put in is useless. They split time evenly between our house and their mom's house. She is more useless than a stump. She uses school as a punishment...as in, says that he doesn't have to go to school unless he misbehaves. It's absolutely horrid.
My kids and skids go to the same school, so I'm the one who takes them to the bus stop, picks them up after school and takes care of them until DH is home. I'm a stay at home mom to my 3 year old and our 8 month old, so it's just expected that I will take care of everything. I'm at a loss.
I agree with JanRebecca. If
I agree with JanRebecca. If BM and DH don't see a problem and refuse to address this, then your SS should be cared for by one of them. I would tell your DH that you will not keep SS5 when he is not home. Hopefully, this will push your DH into taking a stance. And yes, if your SS has killed an animal, he needs help and I would not trust him around your other kids.
I'd love to just walk away.
I'd love to just walk away. Unfortunately I'm a stay at home mom for the foreseeable future so I doubt I can just stop caring for SS without neglecting the other kids. No matter how tempting it may be at times.
Talk to a psychologist immediately
Killing animals as a child is textbook serial killer behavior. I do not say that lightly. That does not mean that this boy is bound to be a serial killer, but that does mean that he needs immediate intervention because he has significant mental issues or handicaps. It is possible that it is a combination of trauma with varying disorders. Find resources at your local universities, crisis services, or any doctor that will listen to you. And when you communicate to your DH about this, frame your concerns around the safety of your family. The last thing you need is an ignorant, defensive biodad who assumes you simply "dislike" his son. There is a real threat here and it needs to be calmly, rationally and quickly dealt with as one. Best of luck.
You're absolutely right. At
You're absolutely right. At this point (as bad as it sounds), I don't care if he gets the help to help himself. I want him to get the help so he stops ruining the lives of the 6 other people who live here.
We've been planning for months to get a dog, but it looks like that certainly won't be happening. Thank you for your advice
Go to the pound and rescue a
Go to the pound and rescue a big hungry monster dog with massive teeth that is fully capable of defending itself from this monster child. That may just solve two problems... Rescuing a dog and getting rid of a budding Jeffrey Dahmer.
I would couple that with getting this kid in the system so that help can be forced and funded by the CPS and courts.
There is
The magical triad if behaviors (childhood) that most serial killers have in common, killing small animals, bedwetting, and starting fires. It's the combination of the 3 that is a huge red flag, not one or two.
You can't care more than his parents, but you can protect the ones you have.
Let him know now you won't stand for this ostrich behavior one minute more, this is how we lose children who can be helped!
If your DH won't step up,
If your DH won't step up, then you need to step out to protect your own children. You CANNOT save this boy if his parents won't even put in minimal effort. You have to protect the kids you have, and I suggest living apart from your DH.
Time for a come to Jesus talk
Time for a come to Jesus talk with your DH. Sounds like you and he have talked about it, you are both frustrated, yet nothing changes. He couldn't even keep a dang journal as the doc asked.
You say something like, "I am concerned that we don't have a plan to help SS, and his behavior affects everyone else. Frankly, I am afraid of him and what he might do to the little one and other children. I can't live like this, and I need your help to figure out a solution."
Your DH is likely to shrug his shoulders and let helplessness take over, so be prepared with several of your own options: move out completely, he rents a small apartment and visits with SS there on his weeks, he goes back to court to get court-ordered mental health treatment.
Those might not be the options you come up with, but you see where I'm going. Your DH is helpless and would rather just maintain things as they are, bad as they are. THAT IS NOT OK. Other children are in danger here, and you, his wife, are extremely unhappy. Doing more of the same is the one option that is not acceptable to you, so figure out workable options and then DO something. Because he won't.
Did BM drink when she was
Did BM drink when she was pregnant?
I did not, but my youngest child is the offspring of a psychopath (diagnosed) and he had these types of issues. He was medicated for ADHD starting in kindergarten and it helped a lot. They have a differenct brain structure than the rest of us. Some outgrow the majority of these problems, others do not. Counselling may help him deal with self esteem issues due to all the negative feedback he must be getting, but it won't cure his behavior. He may look normal, but he is literally mentally disabled, as much as a down's child would be, but in a different way.