Help! I’m at a loss
I have been trying disengagement for sometime now and every time I feel like I m getting the hang of it, something blows up. Is it resentment I hold for having to disengage from all three skids when honestly I did nothing to deserve the way I’ve been treated? I’m sure everyone here can say that last sentence with 100% honesty.
So to those that have succeeded, what am I missing? I cannot even have a conversation with my DW if I even ask if she is ok after she spends any time with any of her kids. She does this outside of our home because they have all given her the ultimatum that I am not welcome. I am ok with disengagement in that I don’t want to be anywhere near these dysfunctional people.
But at the same time, DW returns a very distant and cold person. Do I disengage further and give her time and space to “recover” from these visits?
I fnd myself building a separate life outside my marriage now because of the arguments that follow any visit she has with her kids. I am finding that I am building more and more of this separate life, and deep inside it feels wrong I know I need to do this, but it keeps getting to be more and more of my time I feel that at some point it may become ALL of my time. At that point, but probably a lot sooner, why be married at all?
Today I am doing stuff outside of the house, alone, because she was just so defensive last night after seeing MSS and his girlfriend. They are moving across country (One down!) soon, so I am being blamed for her not being able to go see him as often as she would like. BS. I have told her to go as often and for as long as she wants. This shifting her guilt to me has to stop.
"Is it resentment I hold for
"Is it resentment I hold for having to disengage from all three skids when honestly I did nothing to deserve the way I’ve been treated"? Yes it is. You probably feel like your DW should have your back, set boundaries with your sk's and be loyal to you because you are her spouse. It takes time. I've been disengaged from my SD for 2 years now and my SD amped up her anger towards my DH (who she was really mad at) before he opened his eyes to see and heart to understand how I felt all those years.
There was alot of resentment on both ends. Me for DH because I felt he didn't care about my feelings when it came to the behavior of his DD for his wife and my DH for me because "I should have ignored my SD (like he did and )" and not "take it out on him". I merely wanted him to speak on my behalf and put his DD in her place and put a end to it. The problem is unless a parent start teaching their child at a young age to respect everyone, especially adults the child will grow up to be a disrespectful shit and the parent has no control at that point about the way they turn out or treat people.
Like my DH, your DW may not know how to change the situation at this point without feeling like she would lose her kids. I had to forgive my DH (for being oblivious and when he did address her, not following tjrough..) and support his relationship with SD if i wanted to stay married. It wasn't easy and how they behaved wasn't personal but it wasn't easy not to take the behavior personal either. When your DW visit her DD/DS do NOT sulk, start an argument, point out their flaws/disrespect, etc. Just simply tell her to enjoy (pay attention to your demeanor) and you will see her when she gets back with a smile on your face. If your actions scream 'anger/resentment' she will get defensive. Don't even ask how the visit went or if she is okay. It will take her a while to trust that you TRULY support her relationship with her kids. It helped me to begin the healing process when I focused on the fact that my DH finally stopped begging me to be a part of my SD life/their relationship and supported my decision. We did not speak of his DD and the funny thing is, SD had misplaced anger for me all that time and took it out on me. She started disrespecting my DH to a point he didn't want much to do with her either. When they don't have you to blame anymore, they have no choice but to deal with the real issue at hand, each other or not...
My advice would be to focus on your marriage and in time you will become indifferent of your sk's and how your DW interact with them. As long as she does not expect you to shut up/put up with them in your home or presence. Right now, she may be so embarrassed by their behavior but YOU are the safest person for her to take it out on. So going forward do not ask how the visit went or how she's doing when she returns. Just smile, give her a hug/kiss and say something Like "hey babe I have a (insert food) in the oven. You may not be saying anything verbally but you may be displaying animosity (even through your body language, I know I did for a while ) that will make her feel as though you want her to give up on her kids.. and that can/will send her into defense mode.
Take your outing for instance , though she was sleep when you left, you could have given her a kiss on the forehead and told her your plans and that you would be back shortly. Because you did not, she will probably think you're being petty and getting even because she went to visit her DS. You can still do your own thing, in fact it's a good thing just pay attention to how you go about it. Your goal is to still do what makes you happy while doing everything ypu can to make her happy and pretending your sk's do not exist in your life (not hers).
If you want to save your marriage you will have to separate the two. Like someone posted here before, it's you and your DW and it's your DW and her kids. Plan date nights with her and be the man on those dates that you once where before the shit hit the fan with your SS. Again, give it some time (a couple months) and if she is still snappy and hurtful towards you then you will know what you need to do. You will be able to sleep at night knowing you gave it your all. Good luck and I've felt your pain.
Ok
I read your post, several times in fact. I agree with everything you said, but in the moment I get so lost. I know this takes time, and I have been doing everything you talked about in your last paragraph. She continues to tell me that I am expecting her to give her kids an ultimatum. BS. I keep telling her to go and spend as much time as often as she wants. One weekend in Pittsburgh with SD, and then 4 days over Mother’s Day where I didn’t see her from Thursday morning until Monday night. How is that an ultimatum to her kids when I gave them all what they want, her without me? Honestly I made the best of both weekends and was fine when she came back.
I feel that at this point all my needs are just that... My needs. And I will have to find a way to get past that, without her. If the marriage survives, it survives. If it doesn’t, I will move forward on my own without her and the drama her family brings.
"She continues to tell me
"She continues to tell me that I am expecting her to give her kids an ultimatum. BS. I keep telling her to go and spend as much time as often as she wants". OMG reading this was like de-ja-vu to me. My DH said those exact things to me in the beginning of my disengagment, only i never annonced my disengagement to him, he just noticed a change in my behavior. I WAS doing those things before I disengaged. After a couple months I had to learn to stop taking the blame and just say "NO, I am not making you choose I support your relationship with your DD, I'm just done trying with her and don't want any parts of it" and change the subject (calmly of course) to a more pleasant one. By the 3rd time he tried that line I just walked away and ignored anything he said on the subject. When He came into the room with me (trying to hold a normal conversation) I would say "guess what happened at work and proceed... " I discussed things a wife would discuss with her DH minus the SD. He tried once more to bring my SD up in convo and I finally said "I'm sorry hunny, I don't want to discuss SD it breaks my heart and causes us to fight and I don't want to fight anymore". He caught on and I didn't have to go into the details, he just noticed as time went on any topic of SD made us both unhappy otherwise we were happy or trying to be. I also know that there was some truth to what my DH was saying, I did not want him to go on playing happy, nicey to his DD who hated me for no reason. Even though I was trying to do the right thing and allow him to continue his relationship with my SD on his terms I felt betrayed and he could sense my animosity regardless of what came out of my mouth. As her parent he loves her unconditionally as your DW does, and until he had to feel what I felt he couldn't understand why I felt the way I felt and still would never fully understand. Because he can cut her off for her rude behavior towards him and the minute she calls it's all forgiven. Hell, he even had to finally stand up to her last year when we visited for my FIL funeral an she had a complete meltdown because "how dare him call out her behavior when she is trying to punish him" but still she knows he won't tolerate her disrespect anymore but he will not cut her out of his life either.
I would even avoid telling her to go and spend as much time as she wants. She knows she can do that and you telling her that may seem like your giving her permission in a sly way. I tried that approach as well and my DH told me he felt I was being snarky about it. I wasn't and I know you aren't you're just trying to show her you don't mind and she has your support as long as you're not expected to endure their company. But because this is so new to your DW and this has been an issue and change in your marriage dynamic, anything you say regarding her kids will be picked apart in a negative way. Which is why i said avoid discussing her kids all together.
I'm not saying this is your fault at all but like my DH, your wife is probably struggling with the fact that she doesn't have a happy blended family (not your fault) and wish everyone could get along for her sake (my DH said that as well). The reality is, you tried and her kids did not. Your situation sounds so much like mine and I had to make some changes in my approach in order for us to move past this and be happier in our marriage. Looking back, I realized why my DH had a hard time moving on past my disengagement. Of course for obvious reasons but mostly because the resentment I felt i was projecting onto him and he thought I was making him choose. It took time for my DH to give up the pipe dream of us all being one big happy family and because of his actions or inactions he has to have 2 separate families.
It took time for my DH to feel like I really did have his best interest at heart regarding his DD and I did feel like he wasn't honoring his vows but I had to really soul search, see things from his perspective, have a life for myself outside of him and have a life with him (excluding any talk/interaction with his DD) before things changed (I'm talking 6-8 months).
From one hurt and confussed spouse to another, I know what you are feeling and AS someone who walked a mile in your shoes, it can get better with time. If you are worth it to your wife, she will see the error in her ways as well and make changes. If she doesn't then you know that she will never honor you or the vows you took.
Thanks
i have taken a different approach and have spent 2 weeks focused only on positive things. Even bought a small unexpected gift for her, like old times. What did it get me... Well, SD came into town last weekend and since she “isn’t comfortable” staying here, DW checked her into a hotel AND checked out of our home to go stay with her DD for 3 days. Oh yeah, I also got a few text messages over the weekend. Nice! Not even time to call me? And they stayed in a hotel just a mile from our home. Awesome.
So as hurt as I have been from the abuse from OSS, and all three of her kids not wanting me around, I disengaged. It feels wrong but I had to for my sanity and protection. What has it achieved? My DW has now disengaged from me anytime her children are being needy. Tossed aside when SD comes into town.
Couples counseling is next where I tell her if that’s how she wants to treat me, I do not want to be married anymore. And tomorrow is supposed to be our one year anniversary. I have nothing to celebrate.
No easy answer
I personally could not live that way. I have expectations of what marraige should be....and spending my life alone...doing fun things I enjoy on my own would encourage me to give up and be single. Your wife is married to her adult children...if she had any respect for you as her husband she would set boundaries with them and make YOU the priority!! They are adults...
I understand wanting to spend time with them and would not have an issue with that. However, not on our anniversary or any other holiday.
My friend's adult SK came to HER home...advised her that she would taking her father out for his birthday ...and that my friend was NOT invited!! He WENT!! They are now in the process of divorcing...and her ex is miserable because he no longer has his partner...and his LOVING children do not seem to want to see him as often. Your DW will end up alone...you deserve a marriage partner that you can share your life with...
Sorry you are going through this!! Blended families SUCK!
Blended Family? Not Blended At All
If you read my reply to Focused_onourlife above, you will see how my expectations of what a marriage should be are not being met. At all. It may really suck when I tell DW on our one year anniversary that if she is going to check out every time her DD comes to town, not tell me where they are staying, and only find time to text me a few times in 3 days - then I don’t want to be married anymore. I have had enough of being a convienence and a second choice at best. This has gone on for 10-1/2 months, so I have tried only to see things go from bad to worse.
She’s Moving Out
It all came to a head and I can do nothing right. Whatever I say is an attack against her family. I cannot live my life as someone’s disappointment and constantly have everything I do be turned against me. I don’t know this person anymore and she clearly has no feelings for me. She has made her choice and it’s not me that made her choose, that’s on her kids. She can keep telling herself that I am all the things she hears from her kids because that makes it easier than admitting they are being rude, selfish, and spoiled little brats. It’s finally over and I know there will be a sense of relief as I pick up the pieces of my shattered life and move on. Alone. Guess we fell into the 72% of second marriages that fail. I tried, but it really takes two to make any marriage work. When you add in three spoiled kids that want to break it up and a mother that puts her kids above the marriage, it has little chance of ever succeeding. Done.
SoDiappointed I've been
SoDiappointed I've been following your story and I'm sorry things ended up like this. I was cheering for you on the sidelines for things to get better but as I see they have not. You've been struggling with this for a while and know that its not going to get better so why continue wasting more time on this marriage. You did what is best for your well-being. Keep your head up, pick the pieces of your life back together and know that this is a learning experience and will thank yourself later for moving on. There is nothing wrong with wanting your marriage to come first, just sad that she doesn't want it as well.
You got this! Wishing you much strength, peace, and light!
Sorry.
Please take care of yourself I do empathise.