Handling inquiries from "outsiders"
So I know that the standard for dealing with DH when disengaging is just mmhmm as a response when SD gets brought up, but how do you guys handle friends, family members, etc? Everyone feels the need to inquire about her whenever I talk to them and honestly I just dont want to have her brought up in all of my daily convos all the time when I'm trying to disengage and just not think about that.
The response I get if I'm not as enthusiastic and in depth in my response about her as I am about my bios tends to be either the other person trying harder and kind of trying to either convince me to be more involved/enthusiastic or them deciding that they need to bring her up even more and in unnecessary ways. Overcompensating to show that they are treating the step fairly is what it feels like.
How do you guys tend to respond to these things if you are pretty disengaged?
I think most people have
I think most people have sufficient social skills to be able to turn the conversation to something else if it is not something you want to discuss, ie your SD.
If a friend continued to do this with me, ie keep putting SD's side and try to "convince me to be more involved" basically they probably wouldn't be my friend for very much longer. If it were a family member I'd probably avoid them until they stopped doing it.
I don't have
I don't have bios and I am utterly drained from years of dealing with the demands of stephell. If someone wants to inquire after them I have no problem answering briefly but if they insist on only talking about kids then they are not someone with whom I want to spend time. There is a whole world out there that has nothing to do with children and people who are not interested in it are not interesting to me.
Yeah its probably easier to
Yeah its probably easier to avoid talking about if you dont have bios.
Actually it is not.
Actually it is not. Everyone assumes that if you have breasts you are want to talk about kids whether you have bios or steps or have no children in your home at all. It is the universal subject. I can not tell you how many women I meet who can not go more than 20 minutes without mentioning something about their child and they are floored when you don't want to participate in the conversation. The fact that I do not have bios is irrelevant to them.
Yeah I can see that actually.
Yeah I can see that actually. When I take my baby out I've noticed that about half the strangers that ask about him or comment go off on a 20 min rant about their grandkids who I've obviously never met like I'm supposed to be interested. It's obvious that whatever quick question or comment they made regarding baby was just so they can bring up their own kids or grandkids. I have no idea why they think I would be interested.
Oh my god, so true. I HATE
Oh my god, so true. I HATE talking about kids. I always feel as if I'm faking it when I ask after someone's kids.
Alright for example talking
Alright for example talking to my dad on the phone asks about the kids, asks about SD as well. I bring up us moving and mention that my oldest son needs his own room since hes getting older (he shares with SD). Dad feels the need to add well SD probably needs her own room as well. Just feels unnecessary to add that, she is obviously going to have her own also in that situation. Then xmas presents get brought up and he asks what she wants and starts going on about how shes like a granddaughter too so ...well duh everyone has bought her gifts the last 3 years also including him. Why is it necessary to start going on about how shes like a granddaughter also when the situation isn't new and its obvious. My family could be worse about this than most because they are people pleasers that generally try way too hard, give over the top fake compliments all the time etc.
Basically I'm asking if anyone else gets annoyed by this when they are trying to disengage since I'm trying to more mentally and it makes it harder when its constantly brought up even when shes not physically present, and also if you just generally give the same mmhmm yep type answers to other people that you give SOs since it comes across kind of poorly to do so, especially since people who have never been part of a stepfamily dont really understand and think that I'm her other mom and shes "the exact same as one of my bio kids"
Have you tried
Have you tried just telling your father how you feel? "Dad, you know she is not my child, right? I have actual bio children, your actual grandchildren, and it makes me feel that you are trying way too hard here. You know we have issues and I am trying to disengage. When you pretend that I am supposed to love her like my own child it seems like you don't hear me." If he doesn't get it when you put it directly to him because of his need to people-please then you can always simply get off the phone when he starts going on about things that you don't like. He may be your father but you are an adult now and can teach him how to treat you.
I've brought up that theres
I've brought up that theres issues which hes sort of gets but then it ends up turning into well I feel sorry for her because she has to go back and forth between houses. Which is mind blowing to hear from a guy who didnt hardly see his own kids after his divorce (although he went way overboard with his gf at the times kids/grandkid so theres probably a pattern there). I could probably be more direct with the shes not actually my kid and I dont want to talk about her.
Ugh, I hate the "I feel sorry
Ugh, I hate the "I feel sorry for her/him/skid because they go back and forth between houses" BS! Really?!?! If that is the extent of their problems I have no sympathy. 1/2 of the US is divorced. 1/2 of the population deals with it. Children can adapt to this when they don't have a crazy BM or dad interfering with their warped/whackadoodle mindset poisoning them!
Maybe your dad is trying to
Maybe your dad is trying to make up for some of his own perceived failure as a parent by being extra concerned about COD sd since he obviously wasn't outwardly that concerned about his own kids in the past. I think the best thing to do is to hear him out and say, "It's so nice of you to be concerned dad" leave it at that and move onto the next subject.
I've had a few inquiries about the sgkids. One lady started talking about her grands and sgrands and said, "Oh, there's no difference they're all my grandkids." I just oooh and ahhed about how great that was for her and talked about something else. I could have went on about how there is quite the difference for me since there's a jealous BM/Grandma who doesn't want to share the title but I saved my breath. No need to prove anything to anyone.
Tell him, "you can feel sorry
Tell him, "you can feel sorry for her until the cows come home, but it doesn't suddently mean it's my problem to solve. it's not like she's the only kid in the world who's ever had to go back and forth betwen houses. My focus is on my biological children."
I tell my family that I don’t
I tell my family that I don’t want to talk about SS. So they don’t ask anymore. They ask DH when he’s around but he appreciates that because after all, it is his son, even if he’s disappointed in him. Since SS and everything to do with him causes me stress, I just don’t talk about him.
That approach could work. I
That approach could work. I dont get why they feel the need to do it with me when shes not even around to hear anyway. It's not hurting her to not be part of my private conversations.
My family doesn't see him as
My family doesn't see him as their family, they just want an update on the drama, effectively. They aren't judgy about it. They don't miss him or care about him, really, though they do care about DH and the pain he's been through. It upsets me to talk about the kid, and it's not like I have other kids that I'm updating them on. Seems to work.
I wish mine was more like
I wish mine was more like that. Mine are judgy and feel the need to prove what great people they are by treating her "just like family." Nevermind that she doesnt share that same view of them. I dont think it's ever occurred to them that she has a full family already and might not consider them family also it's always just we need to make sure she doesnt feel left out ever. Which again still doesnt really make sense with a private phone call but I kind of think they think I'm going to make her feel left out and need to step in and correct it.
When my SS was coming over
When my SS was coming over and was at my family events, they included him - bought him presents, etc, so he didn't feel left out. But they've never thought of him as family. Of course, he was alienated for many years and hasn't seen any of them in almost 4 years, so it is very different than your situation.
My parents have made it clear
My parents have made it clear that my skids are not "like grandkids". They buy Christmas and birthday gifts but not as much as for bios and it has already been brought up that my parents are going to start putting money in my bios name so there is no chance of the skids getting it
Yeah that's more like how my
Yeah that's more like how my DHs family is. Which makes it even worse to me because while his family is doing that my family is overcompensating so my oldest bio is getting shorted on both sides and SD is getting extremely entitled. I've tried explaining this to my family and now my mom at least tends to do more for bios but DH is getting pissy that SD doesnt get equal from her anymore. Since you know the kid who is going to 8 different xmas celebrations and will get 40 to 50 gifts total is really hurting. Everyone just assumes that she is deprived for some reason because she splits her time between her parents and is a skid. I even had an aunt bring an extra present for just her even though everyone was supposed to just draw a name and buy a gift for the person they drew so everyone got one. Why would anyone do that? Buy for a step niece you've never met but not any of the other little kids there?
It really grinds my gears
It really grinds my gears when people assume & behave as if COD’s are somehow deprived or worse off than kids in intact families. My in laws act like this sometimes, I told my H it’s like they think the kids are orphans from a 3rd world country, when the reality is they’re extremely fortunate, well adjusted & happy little boys with two sets of parents who love them very much.
They get MORE gifts now than they did when DH was with BM, because they get them from me & my family now as well. They go on twice the holidays, tons of adventures, and are, in all honesty, quite privileged kids. There’s no need at all to feel sorry for them or believe they’re somehow getting less now than they used to, nothing could be further from the truth. Ugh.
Just be vague
i used to get a lot of questions about my SS’s and I would either shut it down by saying “they are fine” and change the topic or just say “I don’t see them often” and end the conversation. I refuse to have conversations with people about my SSs. Eventually they stop asking.
Although I get when your family asks. You don’t want to be rude. But sometimes you have to explain that you really don’t need their commentary, just their support.
Oh how I wish I could say I dont
Oh how I wish I could say I dont see her that often
Disengagement doesn't
Disengagement doesn't necessarily mean that you are pretending the kid doesn't exist. So, when your dad mentions thing about her.. or asks a question.. it can be answered.. or just accepted as a thing he says.
When he says "she probably needs a room of her own too.".. that' is probably a factual statement.. it doesn't really need a response at all except. "yeah.. I guess" or 'mmmhmm" You acknowleging that she exists isn't a violation of disengagement.. that doesn't make her disappear.. but it should be your attitude that you don't care about caring for her.. that you don't internalize that responsibility.
When he asks what she wants. just say truthfully.. gosh.. I really don't know.. you should probably ask her dad. If your dad wants to engage with her.. that is his choice.. just like your choice to not engage.
Now, if someone calls you out on "not caring enough".. you can say.. "I have no animosity.. but she is not my child and she is not interested in having me as a parent either.. so we coexist.. but it's her parent's job to care for her and about her.. not mine"
When they ask about one of my
When they ask about one of my SS's I will answer and fill them in on what he is up to.
When they ask about SS16 both my DH and I say "hes an asshole, he is back with his mother"
When I disengaged from SD, I
When I disengaged from SD, I made it clear that NO ONE is to talk to me about her. It helped that she was a total monster to my family when she met them -- now all I have to hear is my mother recount all the slights SHE has taken from SD. When my mother starts, I just tell her, I don't want to talk about SD, and then I change the subject. If she continues, I remind her of what a monster SD was to her. That ALWAYS works!
I think all you can do is remind them you don't want to talk about SD and change the subject. If you keep at it, SD may become an old subject.
I Respond With Either Ask Her Father They Talk Daily, OR
Why do you need to know that?
I'm all for not filling my brain with negativity and things I don't want to think or talk about.
"If they're not paying rent, don't allow them space in your head."
My family and friends used to
My family and friends used to ask me about sd’s, I assumed it was because they liked seeing me get upset. I would launch into a tirade about how sucky the skids were, and after a few times, they stopped asking. I’m normally very balanced, almost stoic unless someone is really funny... so I think people were shocked at how much passion I could summon when speaking hatefully about the monsters. I know my mother would ask to tick me off... with a smirk... until I started responding by asking about her adult skid (the mean one who snubbed her) every time.
I think my way of handling it— making my friends and family listen to story after story about how awful the skids were— made them uncomfortable enough to not ask anymore.
Either way, sorry you have to deal with skids invading your personal conversations with people you love. It’s no fun!
I answer with the facts. No
I answer with the facts. No need to talk about it, just put the applicable facts on the table in response to a question.
e.g "She is failing English but other than that I am not sure."
Most of my inlaws are great
99% of them abhor the exwife, know there are ongoing issues with 20yr old ss and most of his first cousins ask me how things are if he still claims he can’t show affection to his half siblings etc and if he still continues to ignore them and when answer is yes, they really give it to ss telling him he’s ridiculous and he smiles like its so funny he emotionally abuses and bullies us.
they’ve always been trying to tell him off he’s such a hypocrite to show affection only when family is around so they don’t tell him off. A few others turn a blind eye to all of ss issues and then ask me about the kids and why is it i’m struggling managing that i have ss and i just sarcastically say “you do know who you’re referring to? A boy that has ignored and not acknowledged me since marrying his dad 4 yrs ago so everything is between me and hubby to manage, ss is out of the picture for us despite living at home outside university studies”
the inlaws who generally ask just want to see how i’m coping, they’re well aware of the issues, some were/are in blended families so know about the usual issues..
To answer your question on
To answer your question on the rare occasion that anyone asks about my H's daughter I tell them to ask him and I tell them straight out I've disengaged and DO NOT know anything about her. That usually shuts people up and keeps them from asking me about her ever again.
I find that if they are people that respect you and how you feel on the situation they will take heed. I haven't had an issue with this yet but if I do I'll make it clear and if they really need to know direct them to her father.
I have just not told them. My
I have just not told them. My dad knows as i have a whinge to him about it now and again. He knows i really dont like kids lol.
But if anyone asks i proudly say i dont have kids and conversation ends there
I dont talk about it at all, work dont know nor do freinds, he isnt my kid so why would they ask? lol