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Halloween at home

Ki2619's picture

We do Halloween big at my house and we get about 1000 trick or treaters.  Typically if DHs kids are with us they stay inside the house (SD13 and SS15) the entire time.  They are really antisocial which is fine...whatever.  We all dress up, our families comes over and we pass out candy while standing in the yard because we get so many trick or treaters.  This year I happened to ask at dinner if his kids were going to be here this year and SD13 said she wanted to be here (it's BMs day).  She said she wanted to dress up and help pass out candy.  She won't but whatever.....  BM said they could be at our house if DH picked them up from school that day and said I could just take them to school the next day., I could not because I don't want to, BM.  '


I agreed last year to take his kids to school two days one week and three days the following week to make a shared schedule because I was done doing all their work for the last three years.  Last night DH said he told BM I would take them the school and now he doesn't have to go all the way out to BMs after trick or treat.  I laughed out loud in his face.  I told him me taking them to school that is only 10 minutes away from BMs is putting me out and nobody else.  Plus they ride the freakin bus to school from BMs.  Guess he's taking the kids home after trick or treat because I sure as heck am not taking them to school next Tuesday morning.  No thanks.  I reminded him once again I am disengaged.  I don't have to do those things I don't want to do anymore.  

ESMOD's picture

I get being disengaged.. but I would also ensure that I was a good partner.. a good partner does his/her partner favors.. will help do things.. run errands and it's a normal give/take situation.

The errand I may have done for my DH might have involved his kids.. his errand for me might have been getting my tires rotated..   While the errand I did for him may have tangently been a benefit to his EX or his child.. the bottom line is I was taking over a responsibility of HIS.. 

Now, no.. we don't have to give rides to people that are rude to us or a child that out of control won't listen to us.. and our partners shouldn't use us as a default solution to their own parenting issues.. unless there is no other viable solution.

But the occasional ride if it isn't a total out of the way issue.. i don't think that's something I would be quick to turn down if my partner was generous in helping me out.. in other ways and with other tasks.

If it's all one sided though.. and he never makes your life easier.. I see less reason to flex.

I just don't see disengagement as totally refusing to do anythign associated with the Skids.. if it is being done as a help to our partner.. (in the occasional situation.. not the day to day solution)

CLove's picture

every now and then I get bamboozled into picking up kiddo, "because its on the way". When being taken advantage of over a period of time sometimes its necessary to be hardcore in "retraining" the bioparents to not count on us, the SP.

THEN you can ease up on those boundaries. 

Ki2619's picture

This wasn't a favor. DH simply did not want to drive to BMs because it is 25 minutes away. Instead he wanted me to go out of my way the next morning to take them to school an extra day. I already do that more than BM or DH.  We don't work or live close to BM or the school. I was being put out by both of them.  Marriage isn't about favors no matter if it's about skids or not. 

Harry's picture

To want you to do things for his kids.  Making BM come first, In his life.  Good for you to let DH know it's his kids, a bd he's the one who has to make a effort to parent them.  He should let the kids stay with BM