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Haaaa, well...

Java_Junkie's picture
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Last night, DW (still getting over surgery), Thing 1 (SS14), and Thing 2 (SD13) all went to the movie, was great.

Got home, and because DW is still a mess from surgery, she went to our room to put meds on her stitches, etc...

Thing 2 needed to get up early this morning, so she went to take a shower.

Thing 1 went to his room.

I got stuck with ALL the chores. I did the trash, fed the dogs, administered a shot for the diabetic dog, tidied up after all that, rounded up the dog dishes afterward, checked the cat food (Thing 1's job, but Thing 2 keeps doing it). Scramble, scramble, working it, got it done - though I admit I was looking down the hall at Thing 1's door and listening if he was playing Fortnite (again). So I took his blanket back to his room, and BUSTED. He was just sitting on his bed, waiting till all the chores were done. He's such a SKATE! Grr... and DW won't see it, and keep arguing it back at me that he's Such A Great Kid. OK, he doesn't do drugs, he doesn't fight in school, he doesn't argue with her... but he sure knows how to avoid doing the right stuff, and he sure knows how to keep DW wrapped around his finger. Aggravating.

So I will continue disengaging with Thing 1. Thing 2 is malleable, so I am going to open up for her and develop a healthy step relationship, but as long as DW and Thing 1 have their thing going on, I'm out of that.

soccermom830's picture

isn't it hard to disengage when you live together?  wouldn't it be easier to take more of a role model approach with someone so young still and impressionable since you do have to deal with each other day in and day out?  just my opinion.  why make yourself even more miserable by trying to ignore all of this when you know it will be impossible to do so? 

i mean instead of doing everything yourself and being so frustrated over it all, couldn't you just continue delegating?  i have a 12 yr old and i have to do this all the time.  did you just not say anything to him at all?  if so, he knows he can get away with it.  just don't do the chores and demand he do or make DW tell him.  if she can go to the movies, surely she can tell her children to finish their chores before bed.  and why doesn't SD have any chores too - just because she had to take a shower? 

seems like you will have to come to some kind of understanding with your DW and SS to get this to be a comfortable living situation for yourself without all the resentment.  i know it has to be difficult but sounds like you need a sit down with all the involved.  maybe a check list of some sort would help things on their bathroom mirror - or taking away the video games until said chores are done? 

hang in there!!

TrueNorth77's picture

This is exactly how I think too- I cannot just sit there and let skids skip their responsibility and do things myself. I make them do it, or if my SO is around, I have him tell them to do it. It would drive me crazy to say nothing and get stuck doing it all myself!

Java_Junkie's picture

Well... In another post the other day, I 'splained about some changes coming down around the JavaHouse. DW said these kids were going to do more chores. Her surgery has kept her from sleeping, so she still hasn't made the list (and told me to not do it). OK, lady, your kids, your list.

Thing 1 has no officially assigned chores yet. Maybe my expectations are too high, but Thing 1 ALWAYS ducks out when chores are being assigned, and DW always just brushes it off. She'll ask him to do some work, and he'll drag his feet; if I say, "Thing 1, you heard your mom, right?" and DW gives me *the look*. FFS, she wants me to support her - and when I do, she resents it. Therefore, I guess it's my style? I'm a guy, not Thing 1's mommie, so my voice is deeper and my word choice is not, "Deeeariiiieeee.... pleasepleasepleeeease, won't you do what mommie asked you to dooooo????" More like, "Dude. Really?"

Being objective, this is not HIM. This is the direct result of DW's coddling and lack of parenting him. He is the product of that, and everyone will see it that way - and anyone who points it out will have MadMamaBear as their contender. And I don't want a fight, I just want her to see it and own it so she knows to fix it. If she wants my help, great. If she doesn't, great. If she doesn't want to fix it, fine - I'll call him a lost cause and might just figure I'm being used as the billpayer and GTHO while I still have my sanity (and money).

SteppedOut's picture

Sanity is priceless! And not being used as a bill payer sucks, but when you feel it there is no getting rid of it. 

Rags's picture

Why didn't you grab him by the ear, give it a twist and march his ass down the  hall to become your beck and call chore bitch?

I would have were I you.

Our kid was our live in beck and call boy/chore bitch and it was great. We worked that kid's ass off.  His mom went CPA chore list on his ass.  Every couple of weeks more was added. If he failed to complete the days chores.. he was left on the front step with no key, no phone, with no access to the house until one of us got home from work.

Give it a try. It works wonders in modifying Skid behavior.

Have fun!

 

Diablo

MommaBlueJ's picture

I would have done the same thing!! I would have been like guess who's in charge of charge assignments NOW!!

Siemprematahari's picture

I agree with Rags! Why didn't you march in his room and tell him that his chores are still waiting to be completed. If not you punish him with no tv, games, whatever. You did all the chores and he's in the room kicking back laughing his @ss off because you did his CHORES.

How is he going to learn if you don't get in his @ss about it.....

Java_Junkie's picture

Because...

DW doesn't want me disciplining her kids.

Agree, have told DW that her kids have her and I trained pretty well. I'm supposed to take Thing 1 to a baseball tournament on Saturday. Thinking that if the twerp doesn't step up, I will find a way to give the job to his Biodad, since Biodad has found some lousy ways to dump stuff onto DW, and I get stuck dealing with it, too.

I do think I need to give DW a heads-up, though, and am thinking a "Gee, hon, Thing 1 has been really not holding up his end of the bargain for chores around the house here, so I'm really not feeling AT ALL appreciated by him for all the stuff I do for him. And for that, I'll recommend Thing 1 ask his dad to take him to baseball. Maybe they can have a little quality chat on the hour long drive up and hour long drive back so Dear Old Dad can mansplain what he can do to show some initiative and desire to be on the team."

LindaLee's picture

Other than feeding the pets and giving the dog a shot, why were YOU doing any chores?  Why don't you just let everything pile up?  And when DW makes a comment, explain that's Thing 1's responsibility.  If you continue to do their chores, the skids aren't going to step up and offer to help.  Skids or bio-kids, they're all the same.  Would you allow bio-kids to ditch their chores?  And about the tournament?  Tell Thing 1 he didn't live up to his end of the deal (chores), so you're not available to drive him.  When my bio-son was in high school pitching for the baseball team, he got an F in English, and so I pulled him off the team.  The coach called and thought that was too harsh.  I explained he was warned if he didn't get at least a C, he wouldn't be playing, and I can't reward him with a privilege if he doesn't hold up his end of the deal.

Java_Junkie's picture

DW cornered me about some of this last night. I'm thinking she feels like his emptying of the skimmer baskets for the pool and tidying up his room and taking out his own trash was good enough. She lavished on about his many accomplishments, that he had done his homework (SD said he had none) and he had fed the cat (SD told me she didn't and even said to me that DW is always covering for him - I just nodded and shrugged).

This is just beginning to come to a head. I think I'll have to be Mr Uber this weekend, but I'm really bummed about it.

DW pointed out how Thing 1 is always THE FIRST to give hugs when family shows up, while Thing 2 is a lot less open like that; as if that has anything to do with following up with commitments?

So Thing 1 wanted to go practice baseball with a fiend of his, and I drove... DW bought drive-thru at Chick-Fil-A (she's still loopy after surgery, so restaurants and driving are sorta out of the realm of possibility for her). Thing 2 wanted to come along, and when Thing 1 caught wind we were going to CFA, he pouted like a toddler that he wanted CFA. DW said, "Sorry, you want to go play baseball. When you come home, we have plenty more to eat here." He said, "Awwwwww..." I said, "Sometimes you have to ask yourself what's more important - your baseball future or tonight's sandwich." DW said, "BASEBALL!" Thing 1 agreed.

And wouldn't you know it (I knew it), when we got there, DW ordered him a meal so dear little him wouldn't go without.

She paid, I didn't say anything.

Here's the kicker: We got home and were eating, DW confronted me about how I'm not on board with some of her parenting, and it got a little tense. SD had put her sandwich on the table in her room, and one of the dogs got on her chair and took it. SD was so bummed... DW said, "You shouldn't have left it out where he could get it!" I agreed. Then DW gave Thing 2 half of Thing 1's sandwich. (BTW, I wish I had a picture of this small dog with a huge whole sandwich in his mouth, it was memeworthy).

Sigh.

THEN... We picked up Thing 1 and dropped his fiend off, DW went on about how she got him a sandwich, but that Thing 2 got half of it and explained the circumstances. I thought, "Whaaaa? Why even mention it unless you want to show him how much you lovvvve him???" He started pouting about how Thing 2 is always leaving her food and all that (I remember about 2 years ago, him leaving a hamburger out ON A COUCH and the same thing happened to him with the same dog, and he was practically in tears). Annnnywaaaaay.... I mentioned how I thought it awful nice of his mom to go ahead and get him something unexpected, and how it'd be nice to show some appreciation. DW agreed, but by this time, I was still chafed with DW about confronting me after all the stuff I do, complaining about me actually having some expectations of her kids. Finally, I asked her if she wants me to just stop talking to her about her kids, and she said YES. Cool, I'm out. I'm not a StepParent.

So, this weekend, I'll do things for DW that she can't, but as of last night ... I will not lift a finger to do one of these kids' chores, and I will not mention a chore isn't being done, nor will I utter a breath that something wasn't done up to snuff. I will start taking notes, and if DW thinks things are not going well, I'll show her the list and say, "Hon, you told me not to say a word. So I honored your request. Here's what you've been missing." 

This morning, I saw a box of cereal I bought, and these kids *AGAIN* left it open to go stale. I promptly dumped it in the trash, about 1/3 of a box they both loved. I bought it, they ruined it, I solved it. And NEVER AGAIN will I buy them goodies., No, really.

Rags's picture

That DW thinks that her toxic spawn should be praised for doing the basics tells me more than I need to know about her.

Stick to your guns on this.  Bare DW and Skid ass when they pull their crap, throw their crap away when it is left out.  Put a lock on a cabinet for yourself and keep your favorite foods in there, buy a small refridgerator with lock and keep your stuff in there.  Everything else... gets pitched when it is left out and not put away. 

If DW can't listen she will have to feel and if the Spawn can't listen they will have to feel.  Make them feel.

And don't forget to have fun doing it.         Diablo

 

fairyo's picture

Never a dull moment in Java house! These Things sound delightful and good luck in your mission to de-Thing your life. Hope DW  is well soon so she can carry on improving her parenting skills!

Siemprematahari's picture

I think once you get the hang of disengagement and stop doing their chores and reminding them of what they have to do that sh!t will hit the fan. It actually works out well for you because if the kids dont do their chores and you don't do them, your wife will be left to clean up after them and trust me that will get old quick.

So you have to allow things to fall apart so your wife can see what you have been saying all along and hopefully she'll come to her senses that these kids need structure and if they don't follow rules there will be consequences.

She's not going to see the situation for what it is until all hell breaks loose, so let the pieces fall where they may and enjoy disengagement.

Java_Junkie's picture

Thanks - I had been doing that, some - mainly because her kids were leaving cups and glasses all over the place. So I stopped. After about a month, DW said SS and I seemed to be getting along better, and that's when I told her I had stopped cleaning up after him. SD is usually pretty neat, and you only have to point it out once... SS, OTOH... Nope. So I told her I stopped, and "Have you noticed you're cleaning up a lot more lately, too?" She just looked at me.

Last night, she told me that I don't need to make every moment a "teachable moment." OK, point taken. I won't teach anything. I'm just going to stick to my list of stuff to do and let her raise her son to be a Dumb Jock. I think SD will be happy to learn all the stuff I can teach, and I'm happy to show anyone who wants to know anything (believe me, I'm pretty dang good at all types of repairs and other work around the house, and everyone there knows it - yet, SS isn't even vaguely interested).

The differences in their personalities are stark. SD wants to BE self sufficient; SS wants to HAVE stuff. SD is malleable, and I can work with someone like that. I'll have her learning all about cars, home repairs, and all that stuff... maybe a little bit of a TomBoy, who knows? But being self-sufficient, she'll never have to settle for what comes her way - she'll be able to go out and get the pearls from the oysters.

Ispofacto's picture

I didn't have time to read all the responses, so excuse me if I repeat.

Change the wifi password.  Permanently.

 

Java_Junkie's picture

DW and Thing 2 came to me asking if Thing 2 could have a friend come that night for a sleepover.
Hmmm... Well, she was just busted about a week ago, lying and doing online shenanigans, harassing people from school - and got her iPad taken. I didn't like it, but they both pled the case, so I asked about who it was, when she's leaving, what are their plans, was she bringing portals to the Dark Web where they will find cults to sacrifice them, etc... I finally said, as long as there are no shenanigans, I'm good.

As soon as she showed up, the plans started changing, and they wanted to go to a close-by haunted attraction. OK, and guess what?? I KNOW THE OWNER. I went there a week ago, myself! And last year! This is a good one, and they'll LOVE IT!
Before we left, I asked Thing 1 to feed the dogs, and he said he would. More on that later...

So we got them there at 8pm, long line - should take about an hour. We went home and let SD and her friend enjoy, per DW's request. I was apprehensive, but... Annnnywayyyy, about 10:30, we hadn't heard from them, so DW started reaching out. Finally, the friend was responding, saying they were in line, still had "30-100 people" ahead of them. Well, we were already underway, no prob... let's just see what this is all about... I think DW was hoping to catch the girls doing exactly what they said they'd be doing so I'd learn to back off. We got there and DW said, "We're here, where are you? Trying to find you..." response was they were "just 2 steps" from going in. LIE. I was AT THE FRONT DOOR ALREADY, had been there for 3-4 minutes, and the line hadn't moved, they weren't just going in. I looked up and down the line, nope. LIE. So I went back to DW who was at the exit, waiting for them (that's where I found out they were saying they were just about to go in). Ah. So I told DW, "Well, no, they weren't there. I looked, and the friend's fluorescent tie-dyed shirt was a stand-out, and they weren't anywhere in the area." DW said, "Well, let's just wait. They'll be out here in just a few..." So we waited. Then it dawned on me, they're not in there. They'll come up to us and say they got scared and left through the panic escape." DW looked at me like I was Captain Suspicious of the Township of Accusatory. We kept watching the exit... no, not them. Not them... Not them... Finally, up from behind, from the parking lot, "Hi!" DW was so mad I was right.

Well, now, any more sleepovers, DW says she will back me. Answer is NO. Want something? NO. Want to go somewhere? NO. Want to check something online? NO. I'm going to get a shirt that says NO. Black shirt with big white letters, NO. Let's see how long DW sticks with this.

Then yesterday, I went to feed the dogs breakfast, and I noticed Thing 1 left a MESS of gross dog food all over the counter, didn't tidy up the bowls, and left a foody spoon in the sink. Hm. I don't clean up after them, so I fed the dogs around the mess and left it.

Life went on, we did our thing for the day, and Thing 1 was the center of attention ll day. We kept Thing 2 with us to keep an eye on her... When we got home that night, I went to feed the dogs (again) and saw the spoon had moved, but there it was, still dirty and dried-on, caked-on food. Hm. Did my chores, figured Thing 1 was getting ready for school or shower or something, took care of business, as Thing 2 and DW were using the 2 bathrooms to shower, etc. Hit the end of my chores and took the spoon back to Thing 1's room, said REALLY POLITELY, "Hey, Hoss, thanks so much for feeding the dogs yeasterday (He sorta smiled that he was getting recognized) - just wanted to point out, when you're done (I held up the spoon), you gotta clean up afterward." He looked at me like I just challenged him to a duel - VERY defensive. All he was doing was lounging and checking sports scores. I held the spoon there about 3 seconds, said, "Well, just gonna give you a chance to make it right." and I dropped it on his bedspread. Really sarcastically, he said, "Really?" Yeah, really. And I left his room to go do some configuring of some smart plugs. Yes, I'm a nerd, too.

No activity from his room.

DW came out of the shower, and I was walking around the house looking for something, and Thing 1 had gone into the kitchen to talk to DW. All innocent, he said, "Mom, when I feed the dogs, what do I do with the spoon? (holding spoon up)" She explained, and then I heard the twit say, "OK, because HHHHHEEE just THREW IT ON MY BED!"
I flashed with rage, calmed, and stepped around the corner. "What were you saying I did?" DW jumped to his defense, practically demanding that I explain why I was being so mean to her little boy. Actually, THAT pissed me off more than what he said.

I said, "Thing 1, that isn't how it went AT ALL, WAS it?? You're making it out like I was being a jerk, but I wasn't."
"Eh, uh, yeah, it was kinda babyish, you just came back and threw the spoon on my bed."
DW was getting madder.
I said, "Woah. I thanked you for feeding the dogs last night, right? I was VERY polite, wasn't I?"
"Uh, eh, yeah."
"And I then explained, VERY politely, that when you're done doing that, you need to clean off the spoon and put it away, right? I was VERY polite."
"Eh, uhh, yeah..."
"And then I held out the spoon and said I'd offer you an opportunity to complete the job, again, VERY politely, right?"
"Uh, yeah."
"And I held the spoon out to you, but you didn't take it, right?"
"Uhhh, well..."
"And I just shrugged and dropped it about 6" onto your bedspread, am I right?"
"Uh"
"And then you said, sarcastically, 'Really??' - right?"
"Uhhh..."
I turned to DW and asked, "When he doesn't complete a chore correctly, or skips it, I want to know, right now, am I supposed to come back and do it FOR him?"
DW said, "No!"
"And do you want me to explain it to him, how he should do it?"
"Yes."
"OK, thank you."

Then a little bit later, they were in the living room, and I heard him pouting MORE about it. I went out there, "Are we STILL talking about this???" Thing 1 started to leave the room. We called him back in, and I read him the Riot Act. "Listen. You were talking TRASH about me to your mom, telling her I was saying and doing things that I wasn't doing. You were doing this purely to cause strife between your mom and me, and you do this a lot. It's unacceptable, and I won't tolerate it anymore, GOT IT?" He was nodding and shrugging... So I went to take a shower, and I heard DW talking about how her own dad was "MUCH WORSE" and so on. I thought, great... DW is only sort of backing me here. Grrrrr....

Tonight, when Thing 1 and Thing 2 aren't around, I will be talking to DW about Giving The JavaMan The Benefit Of A Doubt. I was so dang mad about her instantly taking his side and tearing into me, as if I was being intentionally mean, and then even saying to him "It wasn't handled very well by either of you" - WHAT?? I really think she wishes I'd have just cleaned it dor him and not said a thing. Forget that junk...

Java_Junkie's picture

SKids up to shenanigans is what kids do, be they SKids or not. It’s sinking in with DW that her kids are no longer CHILDREN, and the parental skills and techniques need to shift with their hormonal changes. This is great - let’s hope she doesn’t regress. 

Last night, DW’s ex found out late in the game that Thing 2 needed to go to a band event. He was torqued. But guess what? SD told SuperDad’s new wife (she’s a princess and can’t be bothered) over a week ago, but she dropped the ball. Now SuperDad got onto DW about the last minute nature of this need. “Sorry y’all are having some miscommunications issues over there, hope you can work it out real soon.” 

So SuperDad took both his kids up to the event (kinda thing he hates bc he hates being around people), but then he *had to take Thing 1 home so he could do his homework* - and instantly, DW and I started betting what was coming next... would he tell us to take Thing 1 to our house so he could pick her up there? Would he be waiting out front? Would he send his DW to pick her up? Would he ask us to bring her to his place? My stance is that I don’t know who’s taking her home - but I know who’s NOT. And ever since (a few months ago) that guy told DW that his wife does 10 times as much for these kids as I do, wow... that told me he’s clueless - and also his kids are probably saying I’m “Doctor No.” So I’ve limited my involvement with the disengagement activities, have been doing nice things for us all, but NOT doing THEIR chores. SuperDad’s DW goes into Thing 1 and Thing 2’s bedrooms and rummages thru their stuff (according to these kids) and if they have any food, she takes it and throws it away. So, yeah, I don’t clean, decorate, and rearrange their bedrooms for them - and I don’t clean up their messes - and I don’t tell the kids how to dress, etc... but I do buy some groceries, cook (pretty nice stuff, too), drive them places as needed, have bought some really nice gifts I know that cow hasn’t bought. So I’m pretty sure these kids haven’t bragged to their dad about how f’in awesome I am... Smile And I know, as a step, I’ll NEVER get the recognition or praise. This is our lot in life.

Anyway we left the school auditorium and Thing 2 was waiting outside for her dad as the crowd was dwindling. It was nice to put it back on Captain Coattails.

Then, last night and this morning, SuperDad was asking DW for help with schlepping his kids. I said, “Y’see, he thinks he can dictate our lives. Tell him we have plans and can’t.” His story was a real tear jerker, not. His DW is at work till late and can’t be bothered - and SuperDad has to take his SD to soccer. So DW said she’ll take Thing 2 to school for the band event, and his DW can pick her up on her way home, then said, “Bet he’ll leave Thing 1 here till 6:45.” I didn’t tell her, but I will be staying away till I see Thing 1 leave on the Ring Doorbell camera. I’m just not in the mood to deal with these kids when it’s not my week.