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Fell out of Disengagement- should I go back?

GLada's picture

I have a SS12, sweet, caring, loving boy. The only issue I have is he chooses not to eat while he is at our house. Is it a power or control thing woth him? I cook, he doesn’t eat home cooked meals at BM. He only eats fast food and junk over there. So when he comes over here, he doesn’t eat.  I went a period of time where I wouldn’t make him anything special, he would eat what I cooked for the family, and  he wouldn’t eat at all. His choice. Then today, I made a huge mistake. My intention was to be nice and he told me he had a hotdog at his Moms for lunch before he came over to our house. So, I bought the crap hotdog he likes with crappy white hot dog buns and made it for lunch for him. No one else in the family eats that. It was only for him. What does he do- he eats the white bun and  pushes the hotdog away from him and pours water over the hotdog on the plate.  I say “what’s wrong” he said he wants it grilled and burnt- he wants it all black. What?!? I have never heard of wantjng a hotdog black burnt. Really?! So I ask my husband to turn on the grill and burn it. He refuses. Meanwhile my 3YOS is eating his lunch watching my SS12 not eat his lunch. I am fed up!! Not acceptable behavior. Especially after my husband said no to the grill he pours  water on the hotdog. He is sent to his room. Now he WINS. He doesn’t have to eat the hotdog. He gets his way.  I go out of my way and always he refuses to eat it. It seems so trivial, but it’s so aggravating to me. He chooses not to eat. Then he goes to BM and prolly eats 2 hamburgers from McDonalds because he didn’t eat all weekend at our house. Should I go back to being disengaged and not caring if he eats? Please help- I feel like I am going crazy. 

Areyou's picture

Hey, it's cheaper to feed him crap so give him all the white processed junk food he wants. This battle isn't worth it for you. Then feed your 3 year old all the good healthy food. Eventually skid will want the good food too. I let skids eat all the junk they wanted because they would frown at our salmon, asparagus, and brown rice. DD loves healthy food because she grew up with me so DH, DD, and I would eat the healthy food and skids would eat PBandJ or packaged ramen because they wanted to. We didnt' fight it and honestly, it was cheaper to feed them a 5 cent sandwich or ramen packet. Two years later, they now want to eat what we want. They will change. Just enjoy your life and fight them as least as possible. And yes, they learned to eat junk because that's what BM was feeding them. She even bought portable ramen bowls for her kids for christmas!

still learning's picture

Unless ss has a food allergy he should be eating what everyone else is eating, don't cater to him and fix him a special meal.  My kids know this rule and will sometimes make their own meal if they don't like what's for dinner. They're teens so oh well, I don't do food battles anymore.  A therapist told me that kids may be picky at times but they won't starve themselves. ***As long as they don't have any psychologicial issues.  

twoviewpoints's picture

Some of these food fight themed entries can sometimes really make me laugh. No offense intended to the OP whatsoever intended, but yes, grilled dogs. When one stops to think about it, how many people do *we* all know as adults who must have their icky steaks grilled to perfection (or whatever perfection in their individual taste thinks that means)? 

Sure, it was a lousy dog, but it's the same concept. LOL. Yep. As a kid I loved my dogs roasted on a stick over a fire. I didn't get them often but when I did I thought it was wonderful. The kid that must still linger in me somewhere could totally relate to what OP's SS wants his dog like. 

Anyway.... if meals in your home are a hassle when SS visits, why are you subjecting yourself to the frustration. Make those days 'Dad cooks' days. Dad can cater to the kid's whims are not. Kid can eat what Dad serves kid, or not. Who cares. As long as the other persons at the table aren't forced to go hungry and/or expected to eat grilled burned dogs on yucky white buns. 

At age twelve and having been allowed a fast food routine for years and/or home cooked (not that most of it is really 'cooking') the odds of changing the habits are probably not very good. If the kid has went twelve years believing he hates, example, cauliflower and brussel sprouts , making the kid sit at the table staring at them for an hour threatening him to eat it or starve (or putting in in the fridge and trying to make the kid get them again for breakfast) is pretty silly IMO. 

And yes, I know, no parent nor SM should be expected to be a short order cook or make three different meals for one dinner. But I also can't help but think the lady of the house (most times than not) plays the traditional evening meal cook. And with that, she usually plans the meals. I seriously doubt any woman plans serving her meal full of foods she, herself, believes she dislikes. And everyone has something food wise they dislike. 

IDK, I guess all I'm saying is when you have the kid a few nights a month , does it really matter if kid eats , starves or manipulates dad into catering to kid? As another mentioned above, heck, it's cheap too. And sure, every parent wants their own kid to learn to eat variety and healthy and the old 'eat what you're served'.... but is a few nights a month going to turn a good eater, who normally eats anything and always healthy going to suddenly stop doing that because two nights a month they are served something like a kid friendly homemade pizza, grilled chicken taco or oven baked self coated chicken breast chunks? 


Rags's picture

Sweet caring boy my ass!

Keep it simple.  The hell spawn eats what he is served or he starves. No special efforts for his meals.  He is just a picky PITA. 

The pouring of water on his HotDog would have gotten him an ass whuppin in our home and far worse in my parents home.

That rude crap pisses me off.

tog redux's picture

Let DH deal with SS12's meals.  You make them for everyone else and enjoy your good food. He can fight with his son. Not your problem.

Rags's picture

I read the OP to my bride. “This kid is a dick.  Don’t give him anything any different than what everyone else eats.  Treat him like any other kid in the house.  He’s nothing special.”