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An F in Disengagement

StepUltimate's picture

An F in Disengagement

That's my report card on myself. I keep getting yelled at by DH that I'm being too harsh on SS17... but I'm not. Little lying snowflake SS17 is hurting me, hurting my marriage, by acting like BM taught. So. SICK of it. Really appreciate this site though, as you all encourage so many like me. Very bummed out and the explosive tension around lazy lying teenager, getting threats that he's gonna be allowed to continue to live with us and go to college when SS17 is making no moves to get licensed to drive, get a job, etc. I'm burnt out on SS17's manipulative lazy parasitic ways and and its hwrd to respect DH when he's raging at me defending a liar.

fairyo's picture

Hang on in there- it isn't you- you're getting to him and he doesn't like it. Give yourself some little treats this weekend and a big pat on the back. I'll give you an A for just breathing the same air!

Disneyfan's picture

Why are you ALLOWING your husband to yell at you? Why do you want to respect a man who treats you like crap???

Blaming your SS for the way your husband treats you is silly. Yes, your SS may everything you say he is, but his father is the problem.

I think the hang in there advise is foolishness. What you should do is give your husband pure hell for yelling at and ragging on you. WHY he does it doesn't matter. He needs to know that you will no longer put up with it.

There's nothing wrong with loving yourself and DEMANDING your husband treat you with respect

SMforever's picture

Giving yourself an F for disengagement sounds like you are blaming YOU for this SS situation? You are not to blame.

Your DH is not taking the action he should to get the kid moved onward. He is also treating you badly enough to be a game ender for many of us here. You know what you have to do -- decide once and for all that you will not accept such treatment. DH is unlikely to change (what adult does this?) so your choice is either accept them as they are and stop complaining, or move on because you want control of your life, peace and happiness back.

The way you go about walking away is your choice. My preferred style is quietly make the decision, then take my time planning my own future without DH, and calmly go about implementing the choice with as little conflict as possible. That usually involves having your next destination lined up, then move out, and leave the divorce papers on the sideboard. Done it twice, works like a charm.

Going no contact is essential if you do leave. That's your future on fast forward. Take as long as you want for receiving punishment in the meantime.

Acratopotes's picture

Yes I also give you and F for disengagement cause you are not disengage, now Hon.. Disengage, give a shit what SS does or not do, leave his chores for his father to do, you do not even talk to this little spoiled brat,

It's going to take will power to fully disengage, and be warned even after disengagement, SS will complain you are nasty towards him, you are not on his case anymore blablablabla and your DH will be angry again, this is when you smile and tell DH, oh stop nagging like a woman, you said I should leave your son be, now I am and still you complain....

sammigirl's picture

Totally wash your hands of this kid and do it with civility. DISENGAGE from this situation, it's your DH's problem. Set boundaries for yourself, not them. Protect yourself financially and don't let yourself be pulled into their issues. If confronted by DH about your disengagement, play dumb, and deny, deny, deny. Just don't get involved in any way, not in any way.

Next time your DH yells at you, calmly and in a very quiet voice tell him; "Shut up! Don't ever yell at me again. I will not tolerate it ever again. If you continue to take your frustrations out on me, you and your kid can move out either on your own or escorted by Law Enforcement." Then stand your ground and do it!

This is what I did, it works. I made a believer out of my DH and SD57. They leave me alone. Of course SD57 can't help herself with the snarky remarks, when she visits her Dad; but I ignore it. If it goes over the boundaries, I will escort her out of my house, either personally or by Law Enforcement. DH has been warned and I'm sure has related the message to SD57.

I will NEVER back down and I will never go back on my disengagement. It takes time and patience to disengage, but you can do it on day at a time and one day you are finished, don't care, and move forward. Be prepared for the back lash of disengagement, but it is worth it.


StepUltimate's picture

Thank you thank you a million times Acra & Sammiegirl. I appreciate your wisdom and encouragement more than I can express.