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Elder Abuse

Marianne's picture

Submitted by Marianne on Sun, 10/30/2022 - 8:53am

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Disengaging

DH and I started reading about elder abuse after adult SD started taking steps toward gaining legal control of DH. When we realized that her behaviors and actions were harmful to our wellbeing and had been for years, things started to become clearer. In our situation, it was best for us to get some distance and make wills and health plans to protect us from her. Our case is extreme, but after 15 years of disrespect, theft, elder and pet abuse, we are breaking free of the relationship. It is like we are in a limbo stage of grief. Letting go doesn't take place in an instant. Today is sunny and winter will be here soon enough. It is a good day to tidy the house and go for a hike.

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sun, 10/30/2022 - 9:01am

Savour every moment that she is a far. Don't give her another thought. Can you get a restraining order (pre-emptive strike) against her so that if she so much as shows the tip of her nose, you can call the cops? 

Live your life as you see fit and enjoy! 

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Sun, 10/30/2022 - 11:48am

Wills and health plans are a good first start. Do you have a financial power of attorney also? 
While you can do internet documents, if you think the documents might be challenged using a lawyer might be a good idea. 

I am an a site for spouses/ families of DH's medical condition.There have been awful step stories on the site.One stepkid was angry that his father was leaving anything in the will and is seeking guardianship. One stepkid obtained guardianship and somehow legally forced a divorce. Make sure all your documents are airtight. If you used a regular lawyer, having the documents reviewed by an elder care lawyer might be useful.

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Sun, 10/30/2022 - 12:29pm

I dont know all the details, but my brother's elderly mother-in-law was the widow of a minister.  She then married a nice older man.  They lived happily for a few years but then he got sick and was in a nursing home.  His son, an attorney, got him to divorce her.  I understand it was so that the son got all the assets when he passed.   She was left with nothing and had to live with my brother and SIL until she entered a Medicaid room then died.

Marianne's picture

Submitted by Marianne on Sun, 10/30/2022 - 1:12pm

You are so right to bring the legal stuff up. DH and I went to an estate attorney. DH had neurological tests and a physician letter on file with our attorney stating that he is checked out for making any legal decision about his care and estate. We did it all-health POA and financial POA. We will revisit with an attorney in our new state. When we figured out what was going on behind our backs, we were literally tripping over ourselves from shock and betrayal. A close friend disclosed confidential conversations she had had with SD that were shocking. SD wanted it all--everything her dad worked for and custody of him. How awful that an adult child has gained custody and forced a divorce. We were targets of just that though. Before learning of her designs and schemes, DH gave SD every benefit of the doubt. We are sad that it broke down to the extent that it did. I am angry and hurt- and taking steps to heal and have a great time with what we have left.

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Sun, 10/30/2022 - 6:31pm

Sounds like you've got it covered. Good idea to revisit with an (estate) attorney in new state.

Your situation is the stuff of my nighmmares. I've always known that one of his daughter might be problematic, so we have a very detailed prenuptial and wills that conform to it. We each used the lawyers we used for the prenuptial to do our wills. Both lawyers suggested the same 'if you challenge the will you get nothing' clause Hopefully, it holds up.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Mon, 10/31/2022 - 6:21am

I'm glad you have managed to get away from SD.. considering all the trouble she tried to cause.

I do think that you need to start to try to follow your therapist's advice and put it behind you to the extent you can.  I get the need for validation.. that you get reassurance that you didn't overreact.. that you were justified in the actions you took.  I get that venting can be therapeutic.  But, at this point.. I think you have gotten a good dose of both of them.. people agree your SD was out of line.. and applaud the fact that you broke away.  

But... it really feels like you are allowing her to still reside in your brain rent free.. and that you allow her to occupy an outsized place there.. that now that you are gone.. you should be focusing on the positive.. and not rehashing the past.  I am not saying that you forget her existance.  I know that isn't possible.. but in a way.. I think posting here about her is almost counterproductive because it is like you aren't able to move on.. you moved physically.. but a lot of your mental focus is still back there.. back with the house. 

Right now.. with your DH's cognitive issues.. I would hope that you could channel all your energy to the here and now with him.. and do your best to not put a lot of thought into your SD.. other than to ensure that you have legal protection from her in the event she tries to push in again.

Again.. I do get that it feels good to be validated.. that you made the right call.. but there is also a big danger that you haven't moved on emotionally. and rehashing things really ends up not doing anything positive for you.  Remember.. you are paying your therapist for their help.. and it seems like they want you to try to put it in the past.. to move on.. there is likely something they see in your need to go over the same history that makes them think it's unhealthy for you...